#kaleeko

Sometime around mid-March, I almost messed up pretty badly. You may know that I'm currently living in Canada as a visitor (because I've procrastinated on getting my residency), which means every year I have to renew my visa. Well, I almost didn't renew mine in time--and in fact, may not have. (I don't know yet, processing times are atrocious.) And I panicked. Badly. I spent several days barely able to function, which was probably an overreaction, but that's okay. It's okay, because it made me realize something important--I have neglected and procrastinated on moving forward with my life for way, way too long.

While it was the tipping point, it's not when I first recognized my life needed to change. Staying with my in-laws for several months was the first eye-opener, but the birth of my niece, Elizabeth, was the second. Both hit me hard, but as soon as we got back into our house, I tried slipping back into the way things were again.

But not anymore. Not again. Not ever.

After I had that 48-hour panic attack, I made the conscious decision to stay away from the computer for a few days, and focus on what I needed to get done to try to feel better. Making the bed, washing the dishes... stupid little things just to give me a little sense of accomplishment. I figured, after a few days, I'd feel better, and I could get back to "work" on Sims stuff.

But it didn't just feel better. It felt great. As I took more and more time away, I only continued to feel better and better. My house was always clean, I spent time planning and purchasing for better and healthier meals, having fun with my cooking again, I made progress on some big home projects, I started jogging every morning, working out every night, I played with my dog, I spent more time with my niece, I had more sex with my husband (TMI, sorry ;) , I started doing little things to make me feel good like wearing makeup and painting my nails...

It sounds silly, but for years, spending time on the computer was a cop-out, a distraction from reality and my depression (and in turn, all the things listed above). But instead of helping my depression, it worsened it. I've visibly seen how detrimental it was to my life, now, and despite how much I enjoyed spending 10+ hours a day planted in front of a screen, I have enjoyed feeling healthy and amazing and happy 10,000 times more. (And my body looks pretty darn amazing, too. Win, win.)

I still have a long way to go, and a lot more hurdles to jump. But for the first time in years, I feel like I'm making progress towards being able to jump them. First my residency, and then... well, kids. In fact, largely why I've been so determined to get in shape and cage this depression once and for all is I finally feel like I'm ready to become a mom, and I know one of the most valuable things I can give my kids is a mother who is healthy and confident. Being around my baby niece has opened my eyes so much, and shown me exactly who I want to be--and who I no longer want to continue being. For her, for my own kids, and for myself.

But while I can't say that I miss playing the sims or scouring tumblr for hours on end, I can say that I desperately miss every person that I have had the privilege of getting to know the last few years. I went through some hard times that I don't know I would have gotten through without that friendship. I will forever be in debt because of that--but it's not a debt I can repay with my time right now. If I spent as much time as I'd like remaining social on the computer with every person I've gotten to know over the years, I would be right back where I've started. I count myself lucky to have so many friends that that's the case, but also saddened. I wish distance weren't an issue, so I could spend time with you all without making a buttprint on my chair, but life is much more complicated than that.

I promise to try to at least keep in contact with those who are interested, so sometime soon I'll send out some contact info to those who want to stay in touch, but for now, please know you have my deepest love, and that this bird finally was able to fly the nest because of you.

Hugs, kisses, and huckleberries,