Neil doesn’t meet the foxes, he’s instead caught by the FBI
He helps them catch his father and bring down his empire.
One day he’s brought in to Andrew’s lecture as a guest speaker
The Q&A at the end:
Student: Have you ever killed someone?
Neil: There’s two FBI agents at the door who advised me against answering that specific question. There’s your answer.
Student: What’s the best way to get fake documents?
Neil: I’m legally required to say “don’t”.
Student: What’s the most illegal thing you’ve ever done?
Neil: See, that’s a trick question, because if I answer it becomes the most illegal thing I’ve admitted to.
Student: What’s the hardest lie youve ever had to tell?
Neil: “Sure, I’d love to do a Q&A with a bunch of people who are weirdly obsessed with my father and decided to study crimes because they don’t have the balls to commit them.”
Student: Are you afraid your father’s people will come after you?
Neil *at the end of his fucking rope*: No, I feel completely safe. That’s why I’ve got armed federal agents waiting outside.
Student: How’d you get caught?
Neil: First of all, rude. Second, the FBI made a very compelling argument
Student: …which one
Neil: “cooperate or find out exactly how many laws you’ve broken” - said by a guy holding a very thick file. Direct. Effective. Hard to argue while zip-tied to a chair.
Student: What’s something you miss about your old life?
Neil: being able to leave a room without seven cops and a judge asking where I’m going.
Student: If you could do it all over again, would you?
Neil: I’d rather set myself on fire. I know you don’t understand that reference, but trust me when I say it’s funny.
Student: how many identities have you had?
Neil: Simultaneously or in total?
Student: …total?
Neil: enough that I had to check my ID before answering roll call
Student: what’s the worst crime you’ve ever committed?
Neil: do you want me to answer this as Neil Josten or Nathaniel Wesninski? The distinction matters.
Student: Have you ever made someone disappear?
Neil *looking over his shoulder at Browning*: goodness gracious no
Student: How many languages do you speak?
Neil: enough to talk my way out of things… mostly into them, though
Student: Why did you agree to talk to us?
Neil: it was this or community service
He’s as unhelpful as possible.
His entire goal is to waste everyone’s time while making it just interesting enough that no one can call him out on it.
And Andrew? He’s watching. He’s enthralled. He’s interested, and isn’t that odd.
The professor looks like she regrets her entire career. Half the class is too stunned to speak. Browning is wondering if the punishment for beating up the most valuable witness the FBI has in custody would be worth it. (It would)
Anyway long story short. 5 minutes in Andrew’s in love
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James: started writing “siriusly” as a joke back in year 1 and now has to pause every time before writing “seriously” correctly
Sirius: loves house plants. can’t keep one alive for shit
Remus: doesn’t like ice cream. texture issues. “weird consistency, I’m not putting pseudo-solidified cheese in my mouth”. (fine with ice lollies)
Peter: his favorite number is 3 and made it a core personality trait
Mary: oldest of 3 (two boys)
Lily: thought she didn’t want kids until she got pregnant. Marlene would always help her with the 1st years after she was made prefect, she couldn’t deal with them
Marlene: sleeps with socks on
Regulus: gives the best presents ever. he’s too observant for his own good. it’s creepy sometimes
Barty: teaches Regulus Italian. Regulus teaches him French (tries)
Evan: wears dress robes even on off days
Dorcas: loathes warm weather. winter supremacist
Pandora: has a crow plushie her dad gave her when she was a kid (Lestrange family emblem) and sleeps with it still
Sirius: would burn water if possible. horrible, terrible cook (makes the best cocktails though)
James: teaches Regulus about hoodies only to steal them the second they smell like him (only times he’s seen wearing green)
Remus: didn't start wearing old man jumpers until his dad's started fitting him around year 4. he never stopped after that
Peter: terrified of chocolate frogs. can't eat them. won't so much as have one near him outside its container.
Mary: she has all the gossip. it doesn't matter that the gossip in question happened 2 seconds ago, she already knows it
Lily: was a vodka girl up until New Year's Eve 1976. never again.
Marlene: is childhood friends with James and they hold an annual prank war where she allies with Effie and James with Monty over the hols
Regulus: by age 12, him and Sirius were fluent in German solely to shit talk in the house.
Barty: his first kiss (a peck, really) was Pandora on a dare (they do not speak of this). his first real kiss was Regulus (who was his gay awakening and crush for years)
Evan: fucking loves cats. is allergic to them
Dorcas: wears men's cologne
Pandora: doesn't really like being touched. Unless it’s one of the 10 people allowed to do so, then she will cling and never let go
