#kailli

   In the end, after everything has been said and done, all Jongin wants is for Jinri to come home.

-

Kim Jongin (kind of) meets Choi Jinri within the first week of him being a trainee under SM Entertainment.

He sees her in passing. It is not a situation where he had been actively looking for her; he knew of her- because who didn’t? But he didn’t know her. At that point in time, with her being two years his sunbae, she was in all ways possible out of his league.

But he notices her. Always has, with her being too much of a visual shock to not notice.

Even back then, Choi Jinri was a jolt of wonder with her long black hair, pink lips, and crescent eyes. Jongin still remembers the day he first saw her- something in him very much wanted to talk to her. But he quieted that want, forced it down into submission, only because he’s not here for any of that.

He's not here to meet (very, very) pretty girls. He is here to train, to make his dreams come true. He's here to expand on his dancing skills, to learn how to sing, to make it big.

She walks past him and Jongin lets her walk away without a word, head lowered.

Jongin forces himself to push the image of her out of his mind.

Out of sight, out of mind.

-

Jongin doesn’t officially meet Jinri until months later.

Training had been hard on Jongin; he’s a dancer through and through, and he loves the art. He loves that he’s chasing his dreams, that with each day, he’s getting closer to standing on the stage he has always imagined- but in between vocal lessons and manner classes and school on top of the dancing that he loves, he finds that he’s stretching thin. It has only been five months, but he feels tired, depleted of energy.

Fellow trainees have warned him about the first year always being the toughest; in terms of handling the stress, it gets easier after the first year. It’s everything else that gets harder. Everyone else (his parents, his friends, his teachers) warned him of his slim chances, of the lifestyle being too much, too harsh. He finds himself wishing he believed in those warnings. He had been foolish enough to believe that his own will was enough to easily get him through every trial and hardship. Jongin wanted this so badly- so why did he feel so close to giving up?

He is long passed wishing he believed in the warnings that come with being a trainee. Now he just wishes he had the energy to go through with what he had willingly signed up for.

Jongin is thirteen and finds himself feeling like he has the weight of the world on his creaking shoulders. It is already the end of the day, with the sun long gone, but Jongin can’t move himself from from where he is sitting. He is against a wall, curled up within himself. It is ten o’clock. The last vocal practice had been brutal. Just the mere remembrance makes him break out in cold sweat. He feels suffocated, weighed down. This is it. For Jongin, this is rock bottom.

With this mindset, he wants to wallow for a little while. Jongin isn’t ready to go home. He tucks in his knees and rests his head on them, shutting his eyes and himself from the rest of the world.

This gives him a sense of peace for maybe half a minute.

The peace is broken by a voice. "It's hard, huh?" The voice is soft and sweet, but unrecognizable. Jongin doesn’t know the person speaking to him, the one looking at him while he feels like he’s at his lowest.

He raises his head slowly, irritable. Above him is a visual shock of pale skin, pink lips, and dark tresses. Seconds pass in silence. Jongin belatedly realizes that it is the same pretty girl from months prior. Choi Jinri, he recalls. When she got there, Jongin will never know. But he maintains eye contact. He looks into her eyes and all he can see is understanding. It makes him speechless.

So the silence stretches.

The silence is awkward, to say the least. But it causes Jongin to  sit up straighter, to uncurl himself. He doesn’t need anyone seeing him so vulnerable. He also definitely doesn't need pity, especially from someone he doesn't know. Especially from Choi Jinri (who he only knows the name and face of because of Lee Taemin, okay).

His thoughts spiral in this direction until Jongin can feel his lips curling into a snarl, not in the mood for this type of conversation, and quite ready to tell this girl just how he feels.  

“It’s hard,” Jinri reiterates. "But it will get better." Jongin opens his mouth to retaliate, to let her know what he’s really thinking. It is a way to let out all the pent up negativity and anger.

But she’s smiling at him. Pure and bright.

The snarl stops mid-curl and Jongin can feel his throat close up. Jongin is left staring in wonder. If he were feeling a little more poetic, he would even say awe instead of wonder.

When she’s smiling like that, Jongin believes her. It sounds a lot like the truth, coupled with a disarming smile.

She extends a hand and he finds himself taking it; she is a slight, small thing. So, so tiny. But she lifts him up. Jongin lets her help him up.

“My name is Choi Jinri.” He knows.

He’s still holding onto her hand.

“Kim Jongin.”

This is the start of their friendship.

-

Jinri is all bright smiles and free laughter.

Jongin finds this out so quickly, he feels breathless each time he catches a glimpse of a smile.

At thirteen years of age, Jongin latches onto Jinri like she is his anchor. He’s struggling to stay put, while she’s something to hold onto. She grounds him, reminds him of his own goals. While she’s chasing her own dreams, he’s right next to her in his own lane.

Jongin doesn’t know what it is about Jinri but the shine in her eyes looks a lot like hope. Gradually, he feels weight being lifted from his shoulders. He is being lifted up, guided- and while he never believed that any one person (besides his mother or sister or father of course) could have this effect on him, Choi Jinri makes this possible.

Because when Jongin looks at Jinri, he imagines springtime and youth and all that is true.

Even years after he has met her, when they are no longer mere children and instead idols and young adults, Jongin still keeps this image of Jinri.

-

Jongin is fourteen and it has been about a year since he started his training. He has grown more accustomed, a little more settled in place.

"Choi Jinri is truth!" Jongin can hear Jung Soojung childishly shout this for anyone willing to hear her from across the hall, conversing with other female trainees. Jongin knows that Jung Soojung is quiet in nature, but he also knows that no one brings out the loud dorkiness she keeps hidden like Jinri does.

Jongin stays where he is, standing around with several other male trainees. The division is obvious. He settles for eavesdropping, pretending to pay attention to whatever story Kim Joonmyun is telling.

Soojung’s statement awarded with Jinri’s loud, infectious laughter. The older of the two girls has doubled over, a pale pink painted on her cheeks at the pride in her best friend’s voice. Jongin gapes at the sight- he hasn’t known her for long, but he thinks that there aren’t many sights prettier than a laughing Choi Jinri. Soojung is grinning, self-satisfaction evident on her face.  Jongin can see why; more than a clever play on her name, he feels like truer words have never been spoken.

Choi Jinri is truth. He keeps those words close to his heart for years to come.

-

Friendship blooms between fellow trainees, even with the underlying tension that comes with competition. In the end, they're all competing for a spot in the next group. In a sense they are are rivals- but they understand each other's hardship and stress by all going through similar trials.

Jongin finds himself creating and solidifying bonds; he can tell, even now, that some of these people will be treasured friends for life. He has friends that he would fight for, people that he can spend an insane amount of hours with and not get bored of. Jongin likes that.

Amongst the people he has grown to care about, Choi Jinri stands in a category all of her own.

He has never forgotten their first encounter. The reminder of what he felt that day lies in the hope in her eyes and the brightness of her smile.

Thus, he continues to build his relationship with Jinri. It’s hard not getting along with Jinri, and he finds that they are a good pair of compatible friends. She likes gags and pulling pranks and she’s kind of scared of pigeons, but that’s okay, Jongin can bypass that tidbit even if he can’t understand it- if only because he finds it rather adorable.

Jongin gets used to his friendship with her. Comfortable, even.

But sometimes, Jinri manages to surprise him.

One day, when Jongin least expects it, Jinri walks (stomps, actually) up to him with a scowl. With the look in her eyes, Jongin feels almost hunted. She is so small and he’s probably like a head taller than her and he probably shouldn’t be feeling slightly amused but he is.

She reminds him of a puppy. An angry puppy. (He loves puppies.)

“Kim Jongin,” Jinri grits out his name like he just took her Hello Kitty doll away from her.

Immediately, he thinks of all the possible things he could have done to make Jinri upset with him. He recalls nothing. "I'm sorry," he blurts. Better to apologize now (even if he doesn't know what he has done). He doesn’t want Jinri mad at him, after all.

Jongin’s apology wipes the serious look off Jinri’s face, confusion settling into her features instead. “Why are you apologizing?” The confusion fades and the scowl returns.

He doesn’t have a proper answer for that, not really. (Not any truthful answer that he would like to tell Jinri, anyway.) Jongin finds himself laughing awkwardly, asking her a question instead. “What’s with the frown on your face?”

“Well you see, Jongin.” Jongin doesn’t see. "I don't have a nickname for you," Jinri sighs, loud and dramatic. Jongin doesn’t understand. Jinri was expecting a reaction out of Jongin- nothing big, but at least something- but her dear friend only stares blankly back at her. "Soojung is Jjung and Taemin is Taemni oppa," Jinri explains, sounding both exasperated and patient. "I need one for you to complete '94 line."

Oh.

And then Jongin laughs again, this time genuinely in mirth. She had looked so serious, and he had even apologized, and- this was such a Jinri thing to get upset over. “You call me by name. Isn’t that enough?”

The pointed look Jinri gives him tells him that no, it isn’t enough. Okay, well. He’s not about to fight her over this but- “I don’t really like nicknames though, Jinri.”

Jinri pretends like Jongin hadn’t talked at all. “I’m going to call you Jonginnie,” she declares. Clearly, she has put thought into this.

Jonginnie. Of all things. Something in him winces. That something is probably his soul.

Jongin has always felt bothered when people called him that. It sounds childish, maybe a little demeaning.

But somehow, it doesn’t sound so terrible when Jinri says it.

(And then Huang Zitao picks up on the nickname and Jongin finds it’s not half as irritable as it used to be- maybe because it reminds him of Jinri.)

-

Jinri continues to be the truth.

Jongin is fifteen now and Jinri is still fourteen and getting ready to debut. She’s a busy girl, but right now she is hanging out with him, doubled over in laughter because of some variety show playing in one of the common rooms.

Jinri has grown in the last couple months, going from one of the shortest female trainees to the tallest in the new and experimental group she is in.

He hasn’t gotten to spend much time with her as late, both of them busy with their own lives, but he likes when he can see her like this. Jinri is pretty all the time, but there’s something special about seeing her cheeks pink and flushed with laughter. It makes her look-

Beautiful is what he thinks, what his mind supplies.

Except right after he thinks that, Jinri stops laughing, opting to awkwardly stare at Jongin instead.

Wow, did he say just accidentally say that out loud. He could have sworn he only thought it. Judging by Jinri’s reaction though, he definitely called her beautiful for her ears to hear.

There is nothing else Jongin can pass off as beautiful without it sounding like a bullshit lie and Jinri has already reacted enough to pretend she hadn’t heard him.

He can feel his cheeks burning with embarrassment and shame.

But Jinri laughs again, this time shyer, a tinkling version of her boisterous laughter mere moments ago. “Thank you,” she says.

Words leave his mouth before he can keep himself in check. “No, thank you,” he responds.

-

Jinri makes her debut into the entertainment world as a singer in 2009 with four other girls that have become a second family to her.

f(x). She debuts in f(x) after four years of training, fighting for her spot, and all the blood, sweat, and tears.

Jongin attends her debut stage, given a special backstage pass by Jinri herself. The girls had just performed their last take, done for the night. They’re backstage now, surrounded by friends and family and co-workers.

Backstage, everything is chaotic and messy, but the girls are happy. They are happy and that is all that matters. Jongin can see the sweat and the faded nervousness and the sheer joy on each of their faces. He wants that. He wants to be able to experience the joy of debuting, the achievement of a long term goal. He’ll have that, one day. But for now, he’ll settle on something equally important.

Jongin walks up to Jinri with a proud feeling in his chest. “I’m happy for you, Jinri.”

Jinri giggles, cheeks still flushed from the performance mere minutes ago. “Thank you, Jongin.” Jinri beams and Jongin thinks that she has a smile the whole nation needs to see. It would be a shame not to spread that brightness.

He smiles back easily. “Wow, I’m friends with an idol!” Jongin jokes. “Korea better watch out for you!”

Jinri shoves at Jongin playfully, happy that he’s there to congratulate her and celebrate with f(x).

She is happy because Jongin is a friend. She is happy because he is a person she has grown up with, someone that responds to her calls of ‘Jonginnie!’ with a pleasant smile.

And she is happy because Jongin is an embodiment of training halls and vocal lessons and dance practice. It is where she met him, where she sees him most. As of late, no one practices as much as he does, no one shines as bright as he does. (If only she knew what he thought about her). Jinri’s sure that he’ll be SM’s next golden boy, ready to wow the world whenever the company deems fit.

“I’ll be waiting for you on the other side,” she says, tone airy. Jinri has no doubt that he’ll have his own debut stage soon enough. She smiles, thinking of how happy she is to have debuted, how happy Jongin will be once he debuts.

He grins at her words, thanking her and laughing loudly. The words are hopeful and childish with no real weight because it comes with optimism from a good friend; nonetheless, he’s happy. Jinri makes him happy.

Jinri likes when he smiles like that, unadulterated and pure. For her, Jongin represents comfort, of such a big portion of her own life. He is a part of her childhood, a familiar point of reference.

With him smiling like that, Jongin feels a lot like home.

-

Jongin debuts three years after Jinri does with eleven other members. Together, they form EXO- a group that is ready to take the world by storm.

f(x), in all their five-membered beautiful glory, attends EXO’s debut stage. Much like how Jongin had done three years prior, Jinri waits for him backstage. The scene is just as chaotic, maybe even more so. He looks around and sees the same tired, happy relief on his groupmates faces’ that he’d seen on f(x)’s- and in that instant, he feels proud.

They made it.

Jongin sighs with a quiet sense of joy, still scanning the room for faces. The moment Jinri catches his eye, she grins at him like she’s the sun.  “Told you I would be waiting,” Jinri tells him.

In that moment, Jongin feels so, so many things for Jinri. He feels so much, he can’t even give his feelings a word equivalent. He has never wanted to pull Jinri into his arms and place a kiss onto her forehead more than he does in that instant.

Jongin barely refrains from doing so.

-

Many years have passed since Jongin and Jinri first met, but Jinri still makes Jongin’s cheeks burn red with embarrassment and affection.

He is nineteen now, having safely debuted for a year already. A lot has happened, and yet- not much has changed.

Not much has changed between him and Jinri, in any case.

  She, for instance, still calls him by that ridiculous nickname. “Jonginnie!” She still grins as she says it, her smile pure and bright.

  Even now, the nickname makes something in his soul wince- but the slight acceleration of his heartbeat tells him that he can’t hate it too much (or even at all).

But their last encounter had been that been weeks ago. She is busy promoting Rum Pum Pum Pum, while his days are filled with practicing EXO’s next comeback track. Ruefully, he thinks back to days during his trainee period where Jinri’s smile was the only thing that got him through the day.

  He feels a sense of nostalgia- and of loneliness. Jongin hasn’t seen much of Jinri these days. He finds himself missing her.

Even if he hasn’t seen her in so long, he thinks about her so much.

-

Jongin still reminds Jinri of home. True, she hasn’t seen the boy in a long while- but when she thinks back to her childhood, she thinks of Jongin.

2013 hasn’t been the best year for her, with bad press and even worse health. First the attitude scandal, and then the cursing one, and most recently, the relationship rumors. Things are getting tough, taking a toll on her soul. Jinri always believed in smiling through pain, but even that is getting hard now.

Jinri recalls a moment all those years ago, when she had extended a hand to Jongin. Many good things had come from it, from lifting Jongin up when she did.

With those thoughts in mind, Jinri sends Jongin a text on a whim.

To: Jonginnie~ What do you tell someone when they feel like giving up?

She doesn’t have to wait long for a reply.

From: Jonginnie~ Someone loves you.

There is something tangible in those words, something fragile. Laced within the words, there is an underlying layer of hidden secrets and a tiny promise. Truer words have never been spoken.

Something in Jinri’s heart aches.

-

(When Jongin receives a text notification telling him that Jinri has messaged him, he scrambles to reply.

The question floors him, flooding him with questions about why Jinri would even ask- but before that, he tries to answer Jinri’s own question. He searches for a sincere answer, one that he hopes will help Jinri with whatever she is going through.

To answer her question, Jongin thinks about what keeps him going. He thinks about Jinri.

Suddenly, the answer is obvious.)

-

Life goes on.

Jongin and Jinri are both too busy to meet up. They stick to short snippets of conversations and occasional text messages asking about well-being. He never gets a follow-up conversation about Jinri’s question, nor about his answer.

  However, he has enough faith that Jinri will overcome whatever she is going through- even if he can never get rid of the tiny, digging sensation that tells him he’s wrong.

  He ignores it.

  -

(Later, much later,  Jongin will hit himself in the face for not believing in that feeling.)

-

When the news first breaks out about Kris’ (Wu Yifan’s) contract nullification, he feels numb. It is a downward spiral of confusion and hurt from there.

The members are all tense with each other, furious and a little more than broken. With each call that goes to voicemail, with each day that they do not hear their twelfth member’s voice, they break a little more. They all experience this trial in their own way, each with varying levels of anger, but all heartbroken. Their promise to stick together, to be one, falters in that moment.

  This is their bond and it has been cut. It is a truth that they all come to terms with on their own, some with words of forgiveness, others with spite.

  But they all promise to work harder. For themselves, for the remaining members, for their fans.

  Jongin, in particular, words harder with what he knows. He finds himself in their practice room more often, left alone with pulsing beats and powerful moves.

  This is how he copes.

  But maybe he has been here too often, left alone for far too long. After the second week, Jongin finds that he has company.

  She arrives before he does, greeting him with a sweet smile once he enters the room.

  He wonders who told her of his whereabouts- Luhan? Maybe Chanyeol. Jongin’s not sure, but that’s not important. What’s important is that she is here. (The next night, Luhan will ask him if Jinri helped clear his heart in any way. Jongin will hug him in response.)

  Jongin sits down next to her, not quite sure what to say. Jinri is wordless, instead just offering her shoulder. When he does not move, she guides his head closer to her shoulder until he is willingly leaning against her.

  Jinri has no words of condolences to say, not any that haven’t already been said. He does not need that type of comfort from her, nor will he get that type from her.

  For the entirety of this encounter, they do not exchange words. He finds that they do not need words.

  Jinri remains wordless, but she does start humming for him, soft and sweet. Her voice has always been melodious, not quite powerful, but calming in its own right. It is a stark contrast from the music he has been blasting for days beforehand. Something in his heart recognizes what Jinri is doing for him, how she is yet again lifting him up. He recognizes that she’s telling him- hey, it’s going to be alright.

  The only difference from when Jongin was thirteen is that instead of raising just his heavy heart, she also lifts a part of his burdened soul.

-

In that quick moment of time, Jinri switches from his anchor to the lifehouse that brings him home.

Like a lighthouse, she is a beacon of hope.

-

Things eventually calm down for EXO.

EXO is busier than ever with their own tour and intense schedules.

As such, Jongin doesn’t realize that his light is wavering before it is too late.

-

Jinri isn’t as strong as she seems, isn’t as unwaveringly bright as Jongin thinks she is.

It’s a slow process of hurtful comment after unnecessary blame after unwarranted hate. The scandals are taking a toll on her and the criticism is adding to her stress levels. Jinri feels like she’s drowning, like she needs to get away. In life, you either sink or you swim- and Jinri definitely feels like she’s sinking.

Sometimes, Jinri lies awake at night, kept up by rampant thoughts and wonderings about how she’s going to get through the next day. She wonders if being an idol is supposed to strip one of their emotions, to not allow anyone or anything to get her down. She wonders if she is supposed to be immune to negativity, to always be strong. She wonders if she’s not allowed to feel emotions like a human being. How can anyone carry on when one feels crushed by unrealistic expectations and smouldering disapproval?

Jinri realizes that she has heaps and heaps of love and support- from her fans, to her friends, to her family. But sometimes, that type of support isn’t enough. It can’t be enough, although she so desperately wishes that it was.

Because negativity is cruel.

And Jinri is only human.

-

When Jinri looks in the mirror, she sees someone that is tired out of her mind. Physically, mentally, emotionally. She sees someone on the verge of giving up.

And she hates herself for that.

She knows she is supposed to persevere, to be strong enough to fight this increasing sadness. She is an idol, an icon of strength and happiness. She gives love just as she receives. Jinri knows all of this right to her bones, understands who she is to her precious fans. But Jinri can’t fight what she feels. When she finds her own happiness slipping through her fingers-

What can she do?

-

Jinri wonders when she first began to hate herself.

She figures that it was a slow process- just like all the hate she has been getting. So slow, in fact, that she didn’t even realize until her self-hate and sadness has already made a cozy home in the depths of her heart.

-

Choi Jinri got her first break as a child actress in 2005, when she had barely been eleven years old. Four years later, she made her debut in f(x) in 2009.

She was born and bred to be an idol. The life of an entertainer, of an actress, of a singer-

This is the only life she knows.

  Jinri has made so many lovely connections- with her fans, with fellow co-workers and idols, with her bandmates- that she can’t imagine changing anything about her life.

But she knows what she has to do- for herself.

-

Jongin feels like it’s going to be a horrible day. He wakes up with a terrible headache, has to skip breakfast because he woke up late, and can’t get rid of the unsettled feeling he has in the depths of his heart.

  Even at practice, he feels absolutely awful. Joonmyun ends up sending him on a fifteen minute break to clear his mind, to which Jongin dutifully follows. He knows he needs a break. Jongin leaves in search of a vending machine- and realizes that he left his wallet in the room.

  He had only been gone for three minutes, but he comes back to hear the ending part of a conversation he obviously wasn’t supposed to hear.

  But he does hear it; he hears as Joonmyun sounds stern and tells Sehun, “Don’t tell Jongin.”

It’s a case of terrible timing on both Joonmyun and Jongin’s part, as Joonmyun says this right as Jongin comes back and Jongin hears this when he is supposed to be long gone. Part of Jongin wants to pretend he hadn’t heard his leader- Joonmyun always has the best intentions in mind for everyone, so Jongin probably won’t be happy with the information being kept from him. At the same time, another part of him, a stronger part, feels a sickening sense of dread. It creeps up on him, seeping under his skin and into his heart. He comes back into the room with quick, hurried steps. “Don’t tell Jongin, what?”

Joonmyun exhales softly as he watches Jongin reenter, biting his lip and looking contrite. Sehun looks away from Jongin's questioning glare and remains silent.

This sends so many warning signs to Jongin, because while Joonmyun has that facial expression on whenever he delivers bad news, Sehun never looks away from Jongin like that. He gulps, focusing on Joonmyun. "Hyung? What's wrong?"

Joonmyun’s words come out slow and measured, most likely in hopes that saying them gently will make them hurt less. “Soojung called me today.” Which is nothing new, Jongin thinks. He wonders why Joonmyun sounds so serious, why he is still talking in the same calm tone. “She told me that Jinri has decided to take an official and indefinite break from the industry, said that the negativity is getting too much.” Now he knows why Joonmyun had been talking in that tone- but his leader’s calming tone doesn’t make the words hurt any less.

Jongin feels his throat constrict and his stomach drop. He knew it was going to be a bad day. He knew it.

  Five seconds is all it takes for Jongin to leave his groupmates with the sound of a slammed door and angry footsteps.

-

  The digging sensation comes back to haunt him, making him feel sick to his stomach. He should have known, he should have done something. These feelings spurn something deep within him, something that feels a lot like fire, until he is up and running.

  He only has one destination in mind.

  -

Jongin finds the girl he’s looking for walking through the corridors of SM’s main building. The moment he spots her, he runs up to her, spinning her around so that she’s facing him. In hindsight, he’ll be shocked that even found her. She could have been anywhere. But he had chosen to go there, had (finally) followed his instincts. And he found her.

  The moment they make eye contact, Jongin goes off. "Why didn't you tell me, Choi Jinri?" He blurts this out before he has a chance to think his words through. He winces at his own tone- accusatory and demanding. He takes note of Jinri’s shocked facial expression and immediately backtracks. “Wait, I’m sorry.”  She still looks rather attacked and Jongin figures that’s the last thing she needs right now. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he reiterates.

Jinri says nothing, silenced by how in shock she is that Jongin is standing in front of her. He takes her speechlessness as a cue to continue. "I’m sorry, but- how come you didn't tell me you're going on a break?" He sounds a little more breathless this time, a little more vulnerable.

She is still wondering how he found her- but of course Jongin would find her. This is her Jonginnie, after all. It is only fitting that he has. Jinri can feel herself swallowing hard. “It was too hard to tell anyone.”

  Too hard to tell even him, it seems.

  “I feel lost.” It’s hard, putting her feelings into words like this. “And I need time to find my own way.” Her voice cracks and she struggles to continue. “To get that time, I need to leave.”

  Jongin can see the dull glow in what used to be a brilliant shine in her eyes, and in that moment, all he wants is for this girl to find her way. “Let me be your lighthouse,” he blurts. There is no practiced speech, no fluidity of words. These are his thoughts, his honest feelings, laid out in the open.

  A lighthouse is a curious thing to be. “Why a lighthouse?” Jinri tilts her head to the side, sincerely curious.

Jongin knows why. “Because you’ve always been mine.” The situation has reversed. Instead of her acting as his beacon of hope, he wants to be the light that guides her home. “A guiding light.” He’s babbling now. “A way back home.”

“But we can’t both be lighthouses, we would be away from each other forever.” The words leave Jinri’s mouth before she really thinks about it. She shocks herself, realizing too late that her words are not appropriate with the mood of this conversation.

  Even still- It is such a Jinri thing to say. (Jokes and gag representative, indeed.)

He frowns at her, the twitch at the corner of his mouth betraying both the amusement he feels and the seriousness of the situation. “Choi Jinri, do not ruin the metaphor I’ve been using for you.”

  That gets a smile out of her, albeit a small one. The unnatural tension is broken, and all that is left is Jongin and Jinri. She takes his words to heart. A lighthouse is a guiding beacon; she knows that much. It’s a nice thing to have, especially when someone is feeling as lost as she is.

  She takes his words and tucks them into a special corner in her heart where they’ll safe, protected by years of friendship and care. “I might have to take you on that offer later- but as of now, I have to go talk to my members," Jinri announces. She needs to end this conversation. “I’ll talk to you later, Jongin.” She walks past him with no other words exchanged, going towards the room she knows her members are residing in just a floor above.

  He hates how much that sounds like a goodbye.

  She hates how much it feels like she’s walking away from home.

-

f(x) has one last group meeting before Jinri goes on her indefinite hiatus. Jinri has an airplane flight to catch in five measly hours.

They’re sitting in a circle, in the practice room they have grown to know so well.

It’s an impromptu talk, instigated by the fact that each and every single member wants to soak in what they can of their completed circle. It is going to be different for a little bit, they all know that. But with circles, once a circle is complete, there is no beginning and there is no end. This is it for them. This is their bond.

One part of that bond needs to heal, to find her brightness again. And they understand that. It is with that understanding that there is also a realization that it’s going to feel like there is a missing link, that it will hurt more than nothing else. But they’ve survived this once and came back better than ever. They’ll survive this again.

Jinri shifts in her spot on the floor. Soojung is on her right, Amber to her left. Victoria is diagonal from her, with Sunyoung next to Amber and their leader. She doesn’t have much time left; she ends up blurting out the first thing she can think of, the apology that has always been on her mind. "I'm sorry for ruining this comeback.”

They've all worked so hard for their Red Light promotions, but Jinri can't find it within herself to continue.

They know. "You ruined nothing," Victoria chides, voice gentle. It was a group decision, in any case. They don't want to promote with only four members. f(x) means f(5) and that always been the truth. There is nothing more, nothing less to the statement. f(x) is only complete with five. "Never say you ruined anything, Jinri ah."

"I know what they'll say, that you guys stopped for me, that I messed up and I'm bringing you all down with me and-" Jinri's babbling is cut short by Soojung softly hitting her cheek.

"Shut up, Ssul." Soojung is frowning at her, visibly upset.

Jinri wonders how obvious it is that she is close to tears.

"This sounds so much like a goodbye," Sunyoung whines, voice cracking midway through the statement.

A heavy, tense silence reigns as her words sink in.

“This isn’t goodbye,” Amber clarifies, flicking Sunyoung in the forehead for even implying it.

"This definitely isn't goodbye," Victoria strengthens Amber's statement with her own, looking offended at the mere insinuation that this is a farewell.

"I never said it was, I just said it sounds like one. f(x) is never going to say goodbye to each other." Sunyoung pouts while defending both herself and their group. 

Jinri knew this conversation wouldn't be easy. The attachment she feels for her members are comparable to nothing in this world, her love for each and every person in f(x) unparallel with anything else. Maybe that's why saying goodbye- even temporarily- feels heartbreaking. "I'm just going home for a while."

  "Rest well, Jinri yah." Victoria's smile doesn't quite meet her eyes, but she means her words well enough. She stays strong- not for herself, but for her four kids.

  "f(x) is and will always consist of five members." Sunyoung declares this loudly, as if the sheer volume will engrave it into the depths of the earth. She bites her lip and tries not to cry and Jinri almost loses it.

"Of course," Jinri finds herself sniffling. "f(x) is my life." It is what she has grown up with, all that she knows. “And I just want you all to know that I love you."

"Like we didn't know that already," Sunyoung sniffles back, sounding just as heartbroken. “We love you, Ssul. We’re family.” She stresses the last word’s importance, signifying her own belief in their bond. Jinri doesn’t think she can stay here much longer, lest she burst into tears on the spot. She doesn’t want to leave them in tears.

So Jinri moves to leave; she can hear Soojung’s soft whining as she gets up. Jinri moves to each person, pressing soft kisses onto each member, giving one last bit of undying affection to a forehead or cheek as they stay seated. "Don't have too much fun without me," she jokes. She’s still the one in charge of gags and jokes, after all. With the given atmosphere, the joke falls flat.

In Victoria’s warm gaze, Jinri feels the comfort of a sister, of a leader, of a best friend. "Feel better, Jinri,” she murmurs, smoothing out her bangs as if it’s the last time for a long time.

“You’re at your lowest point right now, we all know that. Honestly, I would do anything to raise you back up.” It gets harder for Amber to speak with every passing syllable. “But I know you’re the one who has to do that- so while you’re doing that, we’ll wait for you.” Her words pierce through Jinri’s heart, settling down into the core of her soul. She can’t bring herself to respond. She doesn’t think she’ll get her simple desire to leave without tears.

Soojung has always been the closest to Jinri, always considered the other girl her best friend. It's fitting that she gets the last words. "Choi Jinri is truth," Soojung mumbles. "And the truth always prevails."

Jinri doesn't realize that her tears have escaped her, running down her cheeks, until she has Amber wiping them away.

  -

Jinri makes it one floor down from her practice room before she breaks down, her feet no longer able to withstand the running. She leans against a wall for support, tears making her eyesight blurry. Her back slides down against the wall until she’s sitting, knees pressed against her. She lowers her head, sniffling, but hiding her tears from plain view.

  She has a flight to catch in several hours. She doesn’t want to leave, but she can’t stay here. Jinri feels stuck, like she is trapped. All she wants is to run back upstairs and into Soojung’s arms. But Jinri knows that if she doesn’t leave now, she never will.

  So she sits there, curled up into herself.

  And then she hears a voice. "It's hard, huh?" This is definitely a voice she knows well. She looks up to see a person with a voice she could recognize anywhere, any time. She’s about to ask how he found her (again) until she actually looks at where she is.

  Jinri realizes that she ran back to where she had been before she went to talk to her members. She ran back to Jongin. He hadn’t left. And if anything, the coincidence makes her want to cry just a little bit harder.

  "But it will get better." Jongin is smiling. He’s calm and he’s there and he’s trying to help her up. He extends a hand and she stares back at him, eyes wide and stricken with tears.

  Suddenly, they’re teenagers again. It feels like they have been taken back seven years, with the only change being that it is Jongin now holding out his hand. “It really will get better, Jinri.” He knows it will. It has for him and it will for her. He trusts in this truth, trusts in Jinri.

  “You sound so sure,” Jinri whispers back. She wishes she could be so sure.

  His hand is still extended, ready for her to take.

  He sees her tear-stricken cheeks and Jongin thinks that misery has never looked so beautiful. “I’m as sure about that as you are beautiful,” he sighs back. He means everything in every sense of the words.

  “Yah, we’re not kids anymore,” Jinri chides, giving him a small smile. “Stop saying things like that.” She sniffles, but looks marginally more cheerful than before. She takes his hand, lets him pick her up. She’s so slight, so thinned out, that Jongin has no trouble lifting her.

  And that’s worrying.

  But it is progress.

  He stops to wonder about her words- when did they stop being kids? Both he and Jinri are barely twenty, but here she is, telling him that they’re no longer children. When did they grow up so fast?

And why would them no longer being children have anything to do with how beautiful he finds her? At first, he doesn’t understand.

  With more thought, he supposes it makes sense. They met when they were young, barely teenagers. It was the age where anyone could get away with saying almost anything. (And, honestly, he has already let it slip just how beautiful he thinks she is.) Jongin realizes Jinri hasn’t taken his words seriously. He frowns in displeasure, opting to enlighten her on how serious he has been since they were thirteen. “You were beautiful then and you’re beautiful now.”

  Jongin doesn't know where these words nor this confidence is coming from; words have never been his forte. He fumbles more often than not, struggling to connect his thoughts with spoken words. But if he doesn't speak now, he doesn't know the next he'll have the chance to. That, if anything, spurs him on. “And you should know that.” He pats her head, carding through her bangs with gentle hands.

  Jinri sighs, letting herself lean into his small act of affection. This is going to be the last she’ll see of him in a while. “I need to leave, Jonginnie,” she whispers. Jinri doesn’t respond to Jongin’s prior statement, which doesn’t go unnoticed.

  “I know you have to go. I’ll wait for you, Jinri yah,” he says, slight smile on his face.  “So come home soon.” His voice shakes somewhere in the middle- Jongin knows he’s asking for a lot.

Jinri blinks hard in response, taking in the plea with a heavy heart. It sounds simple enough, but she knows what he’s really asking her to do. He wants her to return to their scene, to come back better than ever- except Jinri doesn’t know if she can do that. Not now, maybe never. Jongin thinks coming home would be coming back to her life as an idol. She thinks that’s part of it; most of it would be coming back to Jongin. "Don't wait for me," she protests. Jinri can't make him wait for her.

"I've waited years already," Jongin shrugs. "What's a little while longer?"

It is as close to a confession as Jongin has ever come to and they both realize that.

A moment of silence passes through them. She doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to do what he’s asking her to do. Jinri can’t promise that she’ll make that type of return. But she needs to promise something. She settles for a just as meaningful, “I’ll come back for you,” instead.

Jongin looks skeptical, and rightfully so. He’s touched by the statement, but they’ve never really talked about whatever it is that they had between them. Jongin figures that this is a good a time as any to get a confirmation. Something, anything, to tell him that this hasn’t been one-sided all along. He’s cautious and maybe a little embarrassed when he asks, “Why would you come back for me?” If she notices the tint of pink on his cheeks, she doesn’t say anything.

“You are part of my home, Jongin.” He really, truly is. This is her life and her home. She’s only taking a break. “My very own lighthouse,” she adds, voice deliberate and careful. Because he has always reminded her of home.

"Only part?" He asks, voice teasing. Jongin rubs at his nape, nervous. This is unfamiliar ground for them both.

Jinri thinks of four girls who all have large portions of her heart and feels her lips curling into a smile. "Be happy that you have a part," she teases back, grinning in the bright way that only she is known for. It is a little dimmer than usual, but the undeniable shine is still there. He’ll miss this smile, he thinks. Hopefully, he won’t have to miss it for too long.  

He’s happy enough to be her guiding beacon towards home, to where she belongs. He’s happy to be what she has always been to him.

Her smile is infectious- always has been, always will be. Soon enough, a grin that matches Jinri’s finds its way onto Jongin’s face. It is a smile that speaks of hidden promises and a bright future. "Come home soon, Choi Jinri." Come home to me, your members, your fans. Come home to all the people who have doubted you and to all the people who stand by you. Come home to every single person who loves you.

-end!