#kaiblogs

after my my grandfather died it felt like my head was above the water. i kept it afloat as to not sink deep and face the truth that he is truly gone. it has been nearly 5 months now and i’m finally sinking.

maybe what i’m experiencing is a mere part of grief where losing someone is dawning on you months after their death. yes, I suffered after he was gone, but not like this. I thought I’d gradually accept his loss, instead, I’m suffering more and more each day. I reached a point where I just felt incredibly sorry for myself, because the pain is terribly painful, I don’t even know how I’ll move forward with my life. I also thought about those people who’s lost in life and became drug addicts or alcoholics in need of rehab, loved ones shun them, I start to ask why? what turned you into that? it’s pain, all they are is pain, everything is painful. the thing is it’s not surprising if i turn to one of them. even my family doesn’t know what to do with me anymore. i’m getting psychiatric help but i have no idea if it’s working. i guess losing my grandfather made me lose myself too.

eversince i came out, women have been flooding my mind 24/7. i guess it’s the liberating sensation of finally admitting to yourself that your gay– that makes me so gay.

i never knew homosexuality would hit me like this. i am bisexual. so the idea of liking men is still present, but let’s just say it’s in the farthest back of my mind. when i see men i’m not even fazed, but when i see women bro… they’re amazing. also before coming out, i used to spend my sweet time maladaptive day dreaming. i was so invested cause i like men. and now, let’s just say they have been playing less roles in my daydreaming world.

women are fucking ethereal, and becoming gay made me feel more at one with myself. a door has been opened “your gay” it whispered, “thanks for letting me know” i replied.

some people discover hobbies, likes dislikes, pet peeves and the like at 20 something— for me, i discovered i'm gay.

it was a peaceful night while I was laying and doom scrolling on tiktok, then abruptly, this girl appeared on my fyp. she’s a celebrity that ocassionally streams gaming, i've been watching some of her vids for awhile. it was a video clip of her comforting one of her girl friends. while i was watching i thought to myself “i’d like to experience that someday with her, i can probably even marry her or have some kids”. a thought swiftly and aggressively knocked on my brain, i let it enter without hesitation. “you’re gay!!!!!!” it said. I KNEW IT. i stood up, eyes wide open, heart racing, this is it…my GAY AWAKENING! huh who would’ve thought it will happen on a random evening.

realizing your gay at 20 something feels liberating but at the same time, hello fomo! i’ve wondered what opportunities i missed out on because i had a gay awakening in my 20s. maybe i wouldn’t be so hung up on boy at 16 if i knew i liked girls too? maybe that’s why no boy can reach my standards? i’m flooded with questions... my awakening was also really random 'cause for the past few years i knew i was confused. there were even sleepless nights and “am i gay?” quizzes i had to take just to take my confusion away, and all for it to be halted on a random night? i’m perplexed and relieved.

i want to disappear. no, i don’t want to unalive myself (for now), i just want to go somewhere far. i want to go to a place where no one knows me; in a place where i have this tiny cozy home, in a small town, in a place far far away, maybe somewhere in europe. i know you’re curious why, actually i’m curious as well. this thought has been laying on my mind for quite some time, and after long hours of contemplation, i finally figured it out; i think i just want peace. i’m not saying my life isn’t peaceful, well it isn’t, but it isn’t that chaotic either. i think a lot of things have corrupted my life and it deeply affected my sanity. 

i just aspire that calmness, peace— serenity. i don’t know if it can mend my sanity, but i’m sure it can fix something inside of me.

however, i am aware, it isn’t easy; cause technically i’m abandoning my life here. my friends and family will surely worry about me. but i think some of them will just know— if one day my room is empty and there’s a note on my desk. 

maybe all of this is merely a fantasy…or maybe it isn’t.