#kadan.txt

Or... as close to that as possible.

Thanks for your patience, amigos.

Today at the service, despite his ADHD and struggles with staying still/quiet, he didn't say a word during the entire funeral service and didn't fidget whatsoever, then quietly bent down and picked the prettiest dandelions he could find (he still thinks they're flowers) 

And when we go up to say our final goodbyes to the casket, he gently places them on top and says quietly "There you go, Grandpa.  You can go now." And I won't lie you guys, I just about burst into tears right there despite not even tearing up previously.  

And before the service while we looked at graves, he found an unnamed baby's grave, then spent 15 minutes meticulously cleaning moss and dirt off of it, asked me for a wet wipe to make it shiny like the others, took a lone flower he'd found that had blown away from a grave, and placed it.

Because he thought a little baby that died in 1980 deserved even a single flower. I don't know what I did to deserve this kid, but dammit, he reminds me that people can still be good and I hope he never, ever loses that.

Because at the end of the day, you're still a flawed human being, and as a human being, you have feelings and needs, and sometimes you need to put your own feelings and needs first, because if you're not taking care of yourself, you can't take care of your kids.

My mom once said something to me when I was little that she probably doesn't remember, but it stuck with me for my entire life.  I was being a little asshole and she said "I love you.  I have to love you, but I don't always have to like you, and I don't like you right now."

And honestly I think being able to look at it like that is so god damn important.  Because even if you love your child, you DON'T have to like them all the time. It's okay to not like them if they're being a little asshole.  IT'S OKAY. You're not a monster for having normal human feelings and reactions to things, even if they're done by someone who doesn't know better. You're allowed to not like your kids sometimes.  As long as you still LOVE them and do your best to care for them.

We need to end this idea that parents have to stop being people once they have someone depending on them, and that their feelings and needs are now the lowest priority.  They don’t just magically lose their humanity once they reproduce.

Because when you bottle up your frustrations with your kids or how you feel like you have to live when you have them, it's only going to fester and turn into resentment, which is bad for everyone. And it’s not fair to anyone.  Even if your kid is around due to circumstances outside your control, they never asked to exist.  It’s unhealthy for you to resent them because it will only further spiral your life, and it’s bad for them because they’ll spend their entire life feeling like you hate them and never knowing why.

Can’t say much about most of it, but I do have my grandpa’s funeral today so that’s gonna be pretty draining.  I’m perfectly fine, we’ve kinda been waiting for this for about two years since he was refusing treatment for his lung disease and his health was really bad before they even found that, so by this point I’ve already made peace with everything but it also means that I’m gonna be stuck surrounded by the one part of my family that treats me like garbage pretty much all day.

I'll keep you all updated.