#justfoundout

Hey all! Just found out I'm "woke...”

I am, well sadly right now this should say WAS, a really happy, bubbly, sporty, healthy person. In short, squeeze everything together about a glowing, kind and cute person (who you might secretly hate, but seriously, I am too nice to be hated) and you’ve got a good picture of myself. It’s not that I never experienced and hardship or pain or chaos...I just eventually decided that life is too precious too get caught up in the sh*** so instead, I tried to be happy. And the phrase, fake it till you make it, really does come true, trust me. But just so you hate me a little less, I know what the dark side of live looks like too.

I had met my boyfriend in November the previous year (we are talking like spring this year), so we hadn’t really been dating for that long, but for some reason, it felt right (jep, sounds wrong and fake and disney-ish, but that’s what we were at). And for some odd other reason, we stopped being as careful as you might want to be. Fast forward, 4 months (I think it really was just that, things tend to happen quite fast in my life, it’s always everything or nothing and nothing barely happens) I was in our bathroom (at that point I was still living in our flat share of five in which I had moved into the previous October) brushing my teeth while not looking at the stick I had just peed on. Btw, isn’t it weird how pregnancy suddenly makes it totally ok to talk about all kind of activities you’d have NEVER mentioned before? Or is that just me? Anyway. I had taken test before. Like, MANY. I was one of those girls who got so scared of our school lessons of turning pregnant (they made it sound like it could HAPPEN any moment) that even though I had religiously taken the pill for years, I had more than one fright where I had thought that, for some mysterious reason, I might have fallen pregnant. So, by the time I was peeing on that particular stick, I wasn’t really worried. Sure, it did feel a bit different this time. I somehow had that weird impression my boobs had GROWN like at least a cup (exaggerating here for good measure) and there were pretty tender...but common. I was a bit late with my period, yes. But I mean, this stuff happened! Right? So, I peed and brushed my teeth and did stuff to generally make those 3 minutes pass. And then I went over and looked at the stick. Ok, for a more dramatic pause here I might shouldn’t have started with the fact that I AM pregnant. Kind of spoils the ending, but so you might guess right here: There was a SECOND line. It was thin, yes. But it was there. And I think I went into shock. I had imagined myself endless times in exactly that situation but it always had turned out, my brain was just too scaredy-cat-ish so I somehow had started to believe that that’s what it would be like for forever. Turned out it wasn’t. I took a picture, threw the stick away, changed the garbage bin bag and went into the kitchen. And the first thing I did was burst into tears after one of my roommates looked expectantly at me (to verify, it was one of my female roommates and we had gotten quiiiiiiiiite close over the last month, so naturally we had talked about EVERYTHING).  

Those first few days were weird. Suddenly your holy life changes, but then again, not that much changes. I had TONS to do at work. I had friends I was meeting. I had my life. I think that, as I would call it now; happy in between (to stay on the honest side here, it wasn’t really that happy, lots of stuff was going on, but I wasn’t really bothered by the new fact of my pregnancy) lasted for like...2 weeks? And then it all started to go down the drain.