ep. 24 spoilers but it’s an essay about the story in general. DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT FINISHED SEASON 1.
one thing i was really disappointed in was how anticlimactic our Inspector’s curse-breaking scene was.
we know zzg is capable of creating suspense and executing emotionally heavy and significant moments. especially with the later Kaito scene.
yet i did not feel the same when our Honor Student broke her curse.
of course, this could be foreshadowing to how the anomaly doesn’t actually grant wishes, but it just goes to show.
this was never about the Inspector. it was always so much more. we are merely bystanders stumbling (albeit unwillingly) a whole new world of conflict. we chose to center it around ourselves and our own predicament.
the social division, the inability to compromise, the treatment of the unknown, the power of the individual. these were all massive themes that, in recent episodes, were very much downplayed.
why, then, does zzg choose to focus on the suspense of the Inspector’s curse and the Kyklos in the episodes leading up to the finale?
we were led to view this situation and fit it into the lens of our Inspector. why would the story commence from the point of view of the Inspector? what if instead we were an Institute agent? a general student? a Darkwick staff member?
because they want us to know that even though we did very little throughout, were (to a large extent) passive throughout our year, in the end, it was ultimately our presence that caused this tragedy to occur.
so. if we’d never been cursed, if we never went to Darkwick, would this have occurred? what is the true weight of the Kyklos in the grand scheme of things?
if Kaito had let the Inspector turn into the Kyklos, would any of this have happened?
as the O Hallowed Magic 8-Ball would say: signs point to yes.
how meaningful was our presence, truly? all those small things that added up between episodes were all part of bigger machinations. a sign that something bigger was happening in the background while we focused on the immediate curse.
the Clash happened before we arrived. the inter-ghoul conflict had already been established.
we offered a distraction from the brewing tensions, and we were an opportunity to unite them.
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(disclaimer this is not my study. I still don't fully understand what that means and frankly I'm too scared to do further research.)
^^ personal thoughts in blue! this is more and less sexual than you think it is.
THIS STUDY WAS DONE IN 2022 AND PRIMARILY FOCUSED ON EPISODE 5: The Cursed Temple. IT DOES NOT INCLUDE REVISIONS FROM EPISODES AFTERWARDS.
The study examines Subaru Kagami's personality traits through the lens of. Freud's Psychosexual theory. As a case study of how rigid environments in early childhood can affect how identity is developed and how social relationships are formed in the long-term.
She/her pronouns for MC. ~2.5k words. I'm sorry. It was 11 pages. see end of post for citation and how to access.
A little bit of background on Freud's psychosexual theory: (genuinely what the fuck was this. what was he doing.)
Freud's theory proposes that children move through 5 stages of development each linked to different body parts. each horribly named. they are: the Oral Stage, Anal Stage, Phallic Stage, Latency Stage, and Genital Stage.
The Anal Stage lasts from anywhere between 18-35 months of age where children focus on gaining control over involuntary bowel and bladder release (in other words, potty training).
Freud said that if this stage is not properly resolved, it can evolve into two different kinds of personality traits: Anal-Retentive, and Anal-Expulsive.
Anal-Expulsive is characterized by messiness and disorganization, while the Anal-Retentive (what this study focuses on) is characterized by rigidity and obsession. (Not entirely sure how not being properly trained would lead to the development of these traits, but whatever)
Anal-Retentive traits may lead to rigid tendencies in adulthood, as well as a desire for order, perfection, and control.
sound familiar?
In Subaru's case, this inability to resolve must've stemmed from the pressure he'd faced in kabuki training as a child and the environment he grew up in.
STRICT UPBRINGING
Affinity 6 Chat Dialogue: You flatter me. My family is quite strict when it comes to learning traditional arts, so that's the only reason I know any of this.
He must've grown up in a rigid family environment and high expectations from an early age, with strict adherence to social norms.
The pressure to learn traditional arts from an early age indicates his family tried to control every aspect of his life, without any room for his own opinions.
His cautious personality and need for control ultimately reflect the traits that were demonstrated by his family.
His dedication to traditional arts, with family pressure, reflects not only commitment and discipline, but also a desire to adhere to pre-existing rules, which can make him feel like any failure whatsoever is unacceptable.
Home Screen Dialogue: I've been working since I was four, so people often said I was mature for my age...
Demonstrates high level of responsibility and work ethic
Which can ALSO indicate a desire for control and power over surroundings.
Working from a young age means he was likely put under pressure to live up to societal standards and further strengthen diligence and commitment.
Anal-Retentive individuals often have an intense focus on achievement.
Mature for my age means that he likely conformed to societal expectations successfully, highlighting his efforts to meet adult standards even as a child.
This emphasizes the Anal-Retentive traits of adherence to rules.
Such a tendency would have restricted his ability to express his true feelings since he was a child.
Being viewed as "mature" can also indicate an underlying fear of judgement, which may lead him to feel as if his value or worth depended on how others perceived his accomplishments.
Learning to avoid confrontations and disappointments by adapting to adult behaviors is likely what made others consider him mature, but it also may have caused the anxiety from not meeting those standards.
Anal-Retentive traits include: a strong sense of responsibility, a drive for social acceptance, and pressure to succeed and fit in. HMMM
Affinity 6 Home Screen Dialogue: Ever since I was a child, the performing arts were my only focus. Maybe that's why people always say my mannerisms are so peculiar. It bothers you too, right?
"performing arts were my only focus" since childhood suggests deep commitment that is often brought about by strict upbringing. <- guess what! that's an Anal-Retentive trait!
Such strict environments stress achievement and discipline, leading to the formation of perfectionist tendencies.
"Focus" may reflect a drive for success
The drive for success was probably instilled by parental and societal expectations, which would have prioritized achievement over personal exploration.
The need for perfection, or in this case, repression, can result in self-doubt and anxiety about how he is perceived, as indicated by his concluding remark, "It bothers you too, right?"
Being raised in a rigid environment without emotional support will inhbit the expression of emotions and true feelings.
An Anal-Retentive person may adopt unusual behaviors or mannerisms as coping mechanism in settings where they feel pressure to conform to strict standards.
THIS IS A GOOD QUOTE
Him saying it's "peculiar" would indicate self-awareness and sensitivity to social standards.
His concern about how his behaviors affect others suggests that he has lived under constant supervision in a strict household, especially as a child prodigy.
The mannerisms comment indicates a struggle between his true self and the persona that was shaped by his upbringing.
The pressure to perform and adhere to strict standards may have led him to adopt behaviors that would have felt "inauthentic" or "fake," which would lead to an internal conflict between who he is and who he feels he should be, establishing a perception of inferiority between himself and his persona.
PERFECTIONIST TENDENCIES.
5.10: Haku: Good thing she likes it after you spent the whole morning fretting over which sweet to give her, huh?
Demonstrates his perfectionist tendencies
Comment reveals that Subaru has an obsession with choosing between ideal options for a perfect option
Reveals his nervousness and meticulous attention to detail regarding others.
"Spent the whole morning fretting" shows the amount of effort, time, and thought he puts into seeking validation and approval.
A need for control and fear of making mistakes may possibly explain why he is so excessively obsessed over a seemingly insignificant issue.
Tendency stems from his early childhood experiences when he had to live in high standards, where every decision must be flawless.
Subaru might believe that his value depends on how well his actions turn out. (-> more perfectionism)
Haku's comment also highlights the burden that Subaru puts upon himself and his internal conflict. His perfectionist nature gives him unnecessary stress.
Home Screen Dialogue (Winter): ...Oh, (MC). Good morning... I had a hard time getting up today. It must be the cold... Ha ha. Not very captain-like, is it?
Anal-retentive traits include self-criticism and a desire to conform to social expectations.
"Not very captain-like, is it?" indicates that he holds himself to high standards, and showing vulnerability (i.e. struggling to get out of bed) goes against his ideal of being a strong, dependable leader.
Anal-retentive people have their own interpretations of personal and societal standards, leading them to believe that they must always appear competent and in control by becoming their "perfect identity"
"Captain-like" demonstrates the pressure Subaru faces to present himself the way others see him. He's embarrassed by his weaknesses because it doesn't align with his ideal image of the perfect person he tries to be.
"Ha ha" serves as an emotional mask to hide his disappointment at not being the ideal model. It also suggests an attempt to downplay his own struggles and a reluctance to show weakness to others.
Emotional masking like this is common among perfectionist individuals because they fear displayed vulnerability can be perceived as weakness and undermine their competence.
His concern about not meeting the "captain-like" ideals can also reveal a fear of judgement. Perfectionistic people often worry about how others perceive them, leading to Subaru prioritizing a maintenance of public image.
The statement also indicates an internal struggle between his true self and the pressure to maintain his idealistic self-image
RIGID PERSONALITIES.
5.7, Subaru's chat:
Subaru: Thank you for your visit today. Again, I'm sure you're busy, so please forgive me for keeping you waiting so long. Going forward, if you could send me a message before you come, I'll make sure I'm prepared to properly receive you. Though I'm not sure I'll have much to offer, I hope that your time with us will be fruitful for you. I look forward to our mission together.
MC: It's so polite...
Haku: That guy's not one to skip formalities
This message is an example of his rigid personality, his need for structure, and control in his interactions. These are all manifestations of Anal-Retentive traits.
Subaru is very meticulous and struggles to break away from the formal and informal standards he feels he should follow. His emphasis on preparation to "properly receive you" illustrates his desire to maintain professionalism, indicating that he requires time to properly prepare himself for MC's visits to Hotarubi.
Thus, Subaru will often create environments where he is in control and can ensure that everything is in proper order.
Haku's "That guy's not one to skip formalities" emphasizes Subaru's strict adherence to social norms.
His politeness can be commendable in formal environments, it also makes him less adaptable and more rigid in informal situations.
Subaru will often prioritize control over spontaneity, which will affect his relationships with others.
Subaru's Affinity 2 Chat Dialogue:
MC: Really? That's a surprise. You always seem so calm and collected, I never thought of you as someone who'd get so nervous.
Subaru: Do I really seem calm to you? I feel like such a bumbling mess most of the time...
MC: Hmm... Maybe calm isn't the right word, but you do come across as pretty composed. I guess you kind of have a poker face?
Subaru: A poker face, huh? It feels a little embarrassing to admit it, but you might be right.
THIS QUOTEEEE
His surprise at MC referring to him as "calm and collected" highlights the disconnect between his own perception of himself and how others see him.
Individuals with Anal-Retentive traits will often struggle to view themselves positively. They will focus more on their weaknesses rather than their strengths, especially as seen in the contradiction between MC's and Subaru's perception of himself.
"I feel like such a bumbling mess most of the time" highlights his self-critical nature and his tendencies to downplay positive attributes, even when recognized by others. Anal-Retentive individuals will often set high standards for themselves.
And yet. Despite feeling like a "bumbling mess," Subaru is able to maintain control over his image to others, as MC admires his "calm and collected" demeanor, even if it is dissonant with what he sees himself as.
CONFLICT AVOIDANCE.
Due to his early childhood in a strict environment, Subaru struggles with social anxiety, causing him to constantly apologize for minor inconveniences in order to prevent conflict or discomfort during social interactions.
His history as a child prodigy in kabuki would worsen his fear of failure and criticism, making him overly cautious. His inability to directly address problems may hinder the development of interpersonal relationships. (aw. fanfic writers this is for you.)
5.6: Subaru: I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, captain of Hotarubi. My apologies for not greeting you properly earlier. (dogeza)
(a dogeza is a deep bow that would indicate respect to people of higher statuses, and is considered one of the most humiliating and humbling positions in Japanese culture. a dogeza is primarily performed during a sincere apology or when asking for a favor, usually forgiveness.)
Literally his very first interaction with MC. He immediately apologizes.
His tendency to apologize demonstrates his conflict-avoidance and thus his desire to preserve harmony and prevent conflict. He intends to avoid discomfort by performing the dogeza and constantly apologizing to MC, but it definitely doesn't succeed at making her comfortable.
His immediate apologies when they just met emphasizes his cautious personality. He needs to immediately correct any mistakes he made, even if it was before meeting MC, showing how much he cares about maintaining a good reputation.
His excessive apologies and the honestly excessive dogeza, however, makes him appear too formal in front of others, showing that he prioritizes politeness over genuine expression.
Subaru's Affinity 2 Chat Dialogue:
Subaru: Sorry for asking you such a random question. If it's okay with you (and it's absolutely find if it isn't), would you mind telling me more about yourself? I'd like to get to know you better. Our last mission together was such a blur that we barely had time to talk, so I was just thinking it might be nice if we had lunch together sometime. Only if you want to, of course.
FUCK.
He starts his message with an apology. HE STARTS HIS MESSAGE WITH AN APOLOGY.
"demonstrating a strong desire to avoid any potential conflict or discomfort between them."
People w/ Anal-Retentive traits will often feel the need to maintain harmony in relationships, leading to excessive apology for even minor perceived inconveniences.
"If it's okay with you (and it's absolutely fine if it isn't)" reflects the amount of caution with which he approaches the situation. He's very sensitive to others' feelings (and funnily enough not his own) and doesn't want to impose his own.
This is a common trait among those who fear rejection and/or conflict, and they are often reluctant to act without the acceptance of others.
It also allows them to phrase it as a not-quite request, so any potential rejection can be better handled because they literally said it was "absolutely fine if it isn't."
His cautious manner in inviting MC out to lunch reveals that he is afraid of rejection. He wants to build a relationship with her but fears the consequences of approaching MC and the potential conflict that may arise out of it.
"Only if you want to, of course" leaves the decision to MC, NOT HIMSELF, reducing the possibility of a negative reaction or awkwardness following a potential rejection.
An indirect approach is commonly used by individuals that want to avoid confrontation.
By allowing MC to easily reject his invitation, Subaru is likely suppressing his own desire to grow close to her. His cautious and apologetic tone indicates conflict avoidance, and people with Anal-Retentive traits will often minimize their emotions as much as possible.
CONCLUSION.
This pretty much summarizes in a more formal manner what the fandom has already found out.
Still hung up on the whole. Anal-Retentive thing but ok.
All of these traits limits his abilities to establish genuine relationships with others, especially in informal contexts. It also demonstrates how childhood pressure can shape the way they live even as adults.
STUDY CITATION:
Febrianti, Y., & Tawami, T. (2022). Identity formation: The case of Subaru Kagami from Tokyo Debunker and his anal-retentive traits. International Journal of Computer in Humanities, 2022(2), 1–11.
How to access: If the link doesn't work, search up Subaru Kagami in Google (typically on the second page of results, unsure if any other search engines work), and find the link that says unikom.ac.id (or something adjacent). It may prompt you to download a PDF.
I am not going to share the article here for copyright reasons.
crawling out of the trenches to do a translation of taiga's last conversation in the park in ep. 21 (en/jp/ch/fr)
if you've read ep. 21, you know what convo I'm talking about. I'm going to try to keep textual analysis to a minimum because I want to know your interpretations! but I will offer several translations and connotations for that.
(I'm not a Taiga girlie but I'm doing it for those who are. I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT)
anyway ep. 21 spoilers under the cut, also it's a massive essay. sorry.
ok English!
I'm assuming most of you speak English so I won't do an in-depth analysis of it, here's the script that you can use for reference.
I am aware that there is a choice of dialogue here, and I'm choosing the one that would elicit the biggest reaction (I think)
MC: Taiga! You have to get changed first!
Taiga: ...? Oh yeah. Forgot about that.
Taiga: You undress me, kitten.
MC: Okay! The changing room is over there!
Taiga: Gyahaha! Second nature to you now, huh? I'll give you a gold star later.
Haru: Hey now, cut that out! I'll strip you, no problem! Get moving!
Taiga: Ugh... That really doesn't do it for me...
ok now for Japanese! It's the language that the game was developed in, so I'm doing this next.
The first two lines are the same.
AND THEN, Taiga: Kitten, you undress me/help me take it off~ (THE SQUIGGLE TILDE IS THERE IN THE TEXT.)
IDK it just feels kind of direct like he's using 「お前」 which is specifically directed at the person in front of him, which is, in this case, MC.
MC basically responds with: "Understood*! The changing room is over there!"
Taiga: Gyahaha! It's already become familiar, hasn't it/no? You'll receive lots of praise later~ (this tilde is not in the Japanese text, but the sentence ending kind of implies it)
First off, since it's shorter, the "praise" that he's referring to? It's synonymous with like gambling rewards, or cash bonuses. (this is SO in character for him!) And by "lots" he means "full". (These are the literal Japanese translations.) 「いっぱい」
Okay. "Become familiar". This is weird. That's the primary use of this kanji (慣れる), but it is also a verb that implies domestication/taming. Oh, you've already become skilled at/experienced in this, aren't you? Oh, you've already been tamed, haven't you? Hopefully you get the gist.
Haru's line is like: What are you saying! I can undress you, let's go!
and Taiga ends it off with: Eh..? But I don't have that kind of taste... (OR that's not the kind of thing I'm into...)
*It is important to note that MC speaks to Taiga (& all other ghouls) formally, so instead of saying something more intimate/casual like 「わかった」 or simply 「はい」 she's implying distance in their relationship or considers the ghouls to be above her status. The ghouls speak to her very casually whereas she's very formal, so it's kind of like a continuous rejection lol
next: Chinese!
First 2 lines are similar, if not irrelevant.
Taiga: Little (female) kitten, you help me undress~ (<- this tilde is canon)
MC: Okay! The changing rooms are over there!
Taiga: Gyahaha! You're already used to it, aren't you? Later I will handsomely reward/praise/gift you.
The words that he uses is "奖励" for any other Chinese speakers looking to interpret it differently.
Haru: what are you saying! I can help you undress, hurry up and come with me!
I think it's really interesting that he says “傻话,” literal translation: stupid talk.
Taiga: Oh... But I'm not interested in that kind of stuff... (or: I don't have those kinds of interests...)
FRENCH!
Straight off the bat, Taiga goes: Déshabille-moi, p'tit chat.
"Undress me, little cat." Wow. Okay. Wow. In the other ones, Taiga refers to her first. This is also possible in French, but what a twist to put the action first.
MC: Of course! The changing rooms are over there!
Taiga: Gyahaha! It's become second nature for you, hein*? I'll give you a good point for that (just now).
*imagine hein in a French accent. It shouldn't need translation.
THIS is interesting. In this, he doesn't flat out deny homosexuality, but instead expresses disappointment. "Argh, it didn't happen...." or "it doesn't do it..."
yeah okay hope you found that helpful! I will return to the trench I came from.
please let me know your interpretations, or if alternative translations! it's so hard to capture the full connotation of sentence inflections and verb usage etc. Translation is made stronger through other input!
Juni I need your thoughts on Jiro saying he ‘has no brothers’ when Haku called him Kiraski Jr
And Zenji essentially telling Haku that he won’t tell anyone cause he doesn’t ask and doesn’t tell
WHAT DID ZENJI DO
They make me ill
-🌿 anon
OMG HI NEW ANON HSDSFSJSHJKSFL
“they make me ill” I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE 👏
okay yes.
i took jiro’s line 2 ways:
i don’t have a (living) brother, therefore no brother
i don’t have someone that i see as a brother because the one that i did have is BAD
i’m leaning more towards 2.
i think the general consensus in the fandom is that there was a falling out between the two of them.
either jiro did something horrible to zenji that made him want to forget his brother or zenji backstabbed/betrayed/did something horrible to jiro.
and i do believe this was recent. (recent as in, shortly before zenji died) because we see that zenji still cares about his brother even in death, and not an ongoing hatred kind of thing.
UGHHH ZENJI DEFINITELY DO TELL WE WANT TO KNOW. HAKU DEFINITELY PRY. THIS OS WHAT YOUR AUDIENCE SEEKS, ZENJI. not your videos. i’m sorry.
anyway. um.
i believe whatever happened between them could have been related to either (or both!) zenji’s death or jiro’s coma.
because zenji really doesn’t have a reason to stay in this world besides making the world feel the posthumous impact of Zenji Kotodama (which. this feels like an excuse.)
beyond writing/singing/offering general commentary, zenji’s character really only takes other action when it comes to jiro. we see him venturing out and doing out-of-character things only when it comes to jiro.
OR TOWA. which brings me to an interesting point. it’s interesting that towa can see zenji, and perhaps zenji is trying to be the brother he never could by seeing towa’s vulnerabilities like jiro’s.
anyway.
yes i believe zenji was the one that did something horrible to jiro because we see jiro attempting to erase any traces of his brother and ALSO zenji trying to cover up things.
what he means by don’t ask don’t tell i genuinely don’t know.
what’s the question? what would be hypothetically be asking? could it be an allusion to potentially a Haku secret? could it be “why haven’t you forgiven me yet, Jiro?”?
anyways clearly he is extending some sort of courtesy to haku or jiro in exchange for them respecting his wishes?
we know zenji cares about jiro but if you’re withholding information that could make jiro healthier… hmm
whew long essay! genuinely did not expect it to be this long.
these are just my thoughts in reality i’m just a little guy who doesn’t know anything
i'm wondering why some ghouls are so desperate to turn back to humans again?
(massive stitch under cut)
Rui's curse, of course, isn't ideal, but his stigma can be fairly useful. I would personally focus on getting the curse broken, but would be content to remain a ghoul.
the rest of the world doesn't know ghouls exist, and for the most part they look like normal human beings. the only danger being tacked on to their identity is the missions that Darkwick makes them go on.
we don't know if ghouls act as "anomaly magnets," so it's safe to assume that they could probably live a normal life.
if you really think about, they're only at Darkwick because they're ghouls. the Institute forces them there to both deal with various anomalies and be studied.
disobedience of the Institute (probably) means getting Lyca'd in Ultio.
this insecurity that ghouls feel about their identities, about not being "normal" is a fabricated lie created by the Institute to separate them and dehumanize them from the rest of the population. a lot of the ghouls could probably blend in perfectly well within human civilization, and society would write them off as neurodivergent of something.
the ghouls don't have to be human to have a human life or experience things as a human. the only thing that's keeping them from living a normal "human" life would be the Institute.
physiologically, there is no evidence that becoming a ghoul changes your body in negative ways. if anything, many humans would probably desire to become ghouls.
idk. it could be that I'm not far enough in the story yet, or this becomes a point of conflict later, but. I would love to hear your thoughts/disputes/opinions. hopefully I communicated everything clearly, this was all a massive brain dump with no editing.
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14! If you could give a TED talk on anything, what would you talk about? <3
what the FUCK i just wrote a whole ass essay and tumblr deleted it i am ENRAGED i didn’t even copy and paste or save it anywhere HRRARRGHHH i’ll try to recreate as best i can
sorry
god it’s so hard to choose there’s so many issues i want to talk about
massive rant. beware. (i would put this under a read more but i think tumblr hates me so i’m not taking any chances sorry)
let’s talk about American megacorporations. haha.
this may sound a bit ironic because we are on tumblr but megacorporations, especially social media and internet-accessing industries have learned to exploit our attention and our time for more addiction, interaction, and profit.
we humans exude millions of data points in any thing we do and our data is being collected and put into algorithms that are designed to maximize interaction and profit.
every click, scroll, linger on a post is another slew of data that you’re unknowingly giving the algorithm.
and the same way we influence the algorithm, the algorithm influences us. a 2023 study revealed that algorithms can make us perceive the country as more politically divided than it already is, making people more inclined to elect extremists, and thus making their fears a reality. for the non-historians, a fear of extremists and elections of your own extremists is exactly how fascist states rise to power.
it’s upsetting that companies are allowed to make their products as addicting and attention grabbing as possible especially due to the lack of legal framework that would restrict their actions.
instagram and snapchat and tumblr and pintrest were not made with your best intentions in mind. they were made so that they can profit off of your time and your attention.
that’s why ads and websites nowadays aren’t necessarily trying to get you to buy something per se— they’re more interested in keeping your attention and taking up as much of your time as possible.
their terms of service and privacy policy technically detail all of this when you click onto their website or use their service, but they have been designed to be unreadable, further exploiting the human psyche for profit. most of the time you can’t even use the product if you don’t agree to its terms.
these companies have spiraled to become so big, they are now influencing government and legislation. ALEC corporations influence how what bills are introduced to local and federal governments. these bills more often than not do not serve the people and instead further their own profits, wringing the public dry of the last dregs of their money. (for a list of corporations involved with ALEC, click here)
in a world with a disappearing middle class and growing wealth disparity, it’s hard to feel like you have control over anything. especially since a lot of these companies exploit what humans have been hardwired to psychologically do.
what we can do, however, is lobby for more legal restrictions on both megacorporations and ALEC, and be mindful of where you spend your time and attention. these companies want your time, your attention, and your data. ads are everywhere.
don’t give them the privilege of giving them more than you already have. your time and attention are like gold to these corporations, so it’s important that you start treating it as such too.
since the beginning of time, humans have been driven to imagine, and depict their imaginations. characters, for example, are only given as much soul as the creator. they can be changed, of course, by individual interpretation. they have been given life thanks to people who dare to imagine them outside of their stories.
Art is not meant to hinder, but sometimes I feel like that's all it does to me. I can't part with it otherwise I fear it will disappear. I cannot keep it close, either, because what if it loses its meaning to me? or what if I cannot do anything else but admire this art?
These superficial realities are only momentary, these doodles and words that are but a fraction of a creator's true ability, but will stay in my head and my heart and my soul for months to come.
and you know what? I hate it. I hate how people just have the ability to make something so gut-wrenching out of well-aligned squiggles or the right sequence of letters. I don't even know who you are, what your story is, or your thought processes when making these, yet you still have so much impact on me. I hate it, and I hate that I love it.
I'm so scared that if I look away for too long, it will disappear. And that if I look at it too hard, it will disintegrate before my eyes. I need to keep going back and back and back. soon all I will have are the memories of what it was. I know how easy it is to delete something. to erase something. or even worse, to forget something.
because then it will truly be gone.
no amount of "HSHFSJHSK" or "OMG" or "T-T" or "AAAHHH" will properly communicate how I feel.
My chest physically aches because I am unable to do more for it, and that it can only live on in my imagination.
When I respond with tears, or a ghost, or a heart, or a star, I MEAN SO MUCH MORE than what these tiny little symbols mean. It's a way to channel the screaming of my soul into a communicable means of expressing myself. humans have created art so that we can express emotion, but it will never be enough.
Perhaps in the future I will look back on a piece of art and this essay and go "oh haha silly me I was overreacting" but a creator's skill is undeniable, and so are MY FEELINGS
-juni
or idk maybe it's because I'm on my period and I'm stressed and mentally ill
