#juliahoffman

You took a deep breath as you waited for the person to open the doors you just knocked on. You closed your eyes along with the breath and started counting how long would it take her to arrive to the doors.

The doors opened and you looked up at the woman. She had her typical red hair falling next to her face and covering her ears. When you saw that she had her glasses on, you knew that she was ready to have a session with you.

“Hello Y/n, come in,” the doctor you have been talking to, or trying to talk to for three months by now said. You just nodded your head and listened to her, waiting for Julia to step aside. As she did so, you walked inside of her office and waited.

The sound of that Julia closed the doors was the sound you were a little afraid of. Because that meant she wanted to talk to you about your problems you really didn´t want to share with anyone. But since you have already started with the sessions and Julia knew a little more about you than you were comfortable with, you didn´t care anymore.

“So… you wanted to talk to me,” Julia started as she walked closer so you could see her. She sat onto the couch which was opposite to the one you were sat on and you took a deep breath.

“Yeah I wanted to,” you admitted and started playing with your fingers. The long sleeve you were wearing made the wounds feel even more sensitive than they really felt.

“What about?” Julia asked you and she pulled out your papers. You looked down at them realizing that the stock which was yours was pretty thick.

“You said… you said whenever I’ll be ready,” you reminded the doctor of her own words and Julia blinked few times. She put aside the papers and put something onto the table in front of you.

“Do you mind if I make a voice recording of this?” She asked you and looked at you with those deep brown eyes. You shook your head and weren’t even scared of that Julia could make your mother listen to that. You shook your head and Julia put down her phone, recording. “How have you been feeling lately?”

“I…” you wanted to start but you didn’t know how. There was nothing what you felt. “I don’t really know. I don’t think I felt anything lately.”

“Not even a little joy? Or sadness?” Julia asked you and she placed her elbows onto her thighs, supporting her chin with her hands.

“I don’t think there is a point in anyone’s life,” you said and when you met Julia’s surprised face expression, you looked back at the floor, playing with your sleeve. “You know. You literally come here to die. You help the others and then the others die and you die too. It’s just the same cycle around and around,” you said and pulled your sleeve a little lower, realizing how your hands were sweating.

“You don’t think there is a point in your life? You don’t want to do anything? Have a husband? A child?”

“No,” you answered Julia clearly and looked up at her. “What for? I can’t even care for myself right now, i won’t be able to care for two or more other people,” you said a little annoyed. You wiped your sweaty hands in your clothes, not thinking before you did so. The only one movement you did, hurt. And even if you didn’t want to show it in your face, you were sure your breathing would tell.

“How can you say so? What if things change?” Julia asked you, writing something down and her eyes sliding down onto your sleeves, what you didn’t realize.

“I don’t want it right now and i can’t imagine myself having a family,” you told her and Julia nodded her head. With this, she made you feel something else you felt before. She… understood you? Agreed with you? You had no idea.

“I understand that,” Julia said and she put aside her papers. She made herself more comfortable in her chair and she leant onto one of the armrests, crossing her legs. “Now Y/n… have you been feeling any pressure lately? Or any kind of stress situation or…”

“Why?” You asked back immediately, making Julia smile a little.

“Just a random question,” she shook your question off and you started thinking about it.

“I don’t think I have… maybe just that I feel like- uhm-“

“Yeah?”

“I feel like I’m no one here,” you said more quietly than before and sighed.

“How so?” Julia asked you back and you didn’t even know how but you found yourself answering her question.

“No one cares. No one asks me what my problem is, how my day was. I have no one to talk to here. It just sucks,” you shrugged and avoided to look at her. You felt her eyes burning on your skin and you rubbed your forearms, using a little more pressure than you used to, because of the stress. As a reaction to the pain which exploded on the place you rubbed your arm you hissed loudly. “Fuck.”

“What’s under there,” Julia asked you clearly and you took a deep breath. You knew that you had to prepare some argument. And is you wouldn’t show her more, you could say you just accidentally burned yourself while helping Willie.

“It’s just- I was helping Willie this morning with the lunch,” you said honestly and Julia looked at you. You knew that she didn’t believe you.

“Can I see?”

Fuck

You nodded your head and pulled your sleeve up, just to the first burning mark on your arm. Julia sighed. She knew that this burning mark wasn’t from a pan.

“Take off your shirt please,” Julia said and stood up. She walked over to her cupboards and opened some of them. You didn’t know what was she up to, but when you saw her taking some disinfectant you knew that there was no way of lying to her anymore. You didn’t have to. She already knew.

You really slowly took your shirt off. Being really careful around the burning marks, which were… everywhere, you didn’t let out a sound as you took your shirt off.

Julia turned around, her eyes on the disinfection. You started shaking your leg a little and closed your eyes. You were scared of the moment she would see your body with all of those wounds.

Avoiding the eye contact, you realized that she stopped closed to you. When she was standing just few inches away, you knew that she had already seen your body, but you were still somehow scared.

She didn´t start talking. Or asking you any questions. She just gently took out one tampon and started cleaning the wounds on your body.

It hurt a little, but you didn´t let her know. Julia cleaned your body and you were just looking down at her hands, until she wasn´t done. Once she was, she put the disinffection away and walked to the cupboard. You didn´t know what else she was up to, but when she didn´t bring anything else with herself back to the couch, you breathed out in relief.

“Why did you do that?” Julia asked you after few minutes of silence and you swallowed. She walked back to the couch and sat down opposite to you.

“Don´t know,” you said quietly.

Julia just sighed and then she stopped recording your talk. With her eyes on you, she waited for an answer and you knew that she had nothing to show anyone anymore.

“Needed to feel some pain,” you admitted and tried to not cry. Julia nodded her head and swallowed, what you could see.

“How often do you deal with toughts like this?”

“Once or twice a week,” you said.

“Would you like to have sessions? For example once in two weeks?” Julia offered you and you took a deep breath. That meant everyone under that roof would know that you have some problem.

“Can it stay between us?” You asked with a little hope in your voice. And you knew that if Julia wanted some patient, she had to promise you.

“Of course,” she said and then you nodded your head.