Fuck It, It’s Time To Show Up For Myself 🤷🏾♀️
I wasn’t safe with myself because I valued my pleasure more than my life. Satisfying my endorphins outshined making responsible future facing decisions daily for me, even sometimes now. I will do absolutely whatever it takes to not do exactly what I know I should. By that I mean that I’ve used pleasure, people, and a shit ton of pot as place holders for dedicating my time to my craft. I wasn’t safe with my body, my spirit, or my capital. A junk eating serial monogamous who gravitated toward people who exhibited obvious qualities of a person who should not be in any kind of relationship of any kind with anyone other than themselves first. The thing about that is we attract with we reflect. Basically I wanted to wake up, bake-up and make a living being myself. From a very young age I have always been attracted to dissecting words like niche, the sociological concept that we all have a natural functioning purpose in this life and would achieve the ultimate level of satisfaction if we discovered and dedicated ourselves to these callings. For people like me who don’t decide on Attorney of Journalist and stick to that solid plan but muck around from sales job to bank job while crushing college night life that calling comes as a silent whisper of, umm what can I do that will actually not suck out my soul but also pay my bills? I spent many years trying majors and careers on for size, even after acquiring my lonely little BA in English Literature.
Just typing that out reminds me of all the years my mind has returned to the familiar resting place of admiring the simple primary purpose of a Mayfly. With a mouth that does not function and a stomach cavity filled with air in its 24 hour lifespan a Mayfly does no more than emerge from the water, fly, and reproduce. What an uncomplicated and fulfilling life. Swim, fly, and live on forever through your offspring- dying before you could ever question the brevity of your existence.
As human beings what separates us from other animals is our minds. Our flesh is weak and easy to penetrate, our bones break at a hard fall, and we are by no means in the top 50 fastest animals; however we have emerged at the top of the food chain. We have become the apex predator, and the very feature that makes us dominant will be the very same feature that has led to the demise of many and will ultimately lead to the demise of us all. The complexity of my very own mind has created a life for me that consist of me overthinking every move I should make while not seeming to think at all when actually making moves. I’ve lived life of a clock puncher that hated every 8 hour day I gave to the corporate world and I have recently been the starving artist who would eat more if they were disciplined enough to actually write and sell an article. To continue my unflattering honesty I have to admit that both versions of my unfilled self suck swine ass.
So I woke up this morning, yes this morning, and said fuck it I’m going to actually commit to self-discipline and take the necessary steps toward accomplishing exactly what I want in life. For me my first step was sitting down here to actually figure out and slick admit what my problem has been and now my second step will be to actually figure out what I want. So, now I must go get to the second step of my journey toward self-actualization, write out my life’s affirmations and DRINK MORE TEA ☕️