#jsimes

Wu-Tang Clan

Project Mayhem

Exodus-era Yahweh

Chucky

In keeping with “gritty realism” of the series, there is only a Batmobile, Batpod, and Batwing – no Batboat.

Tossing a bone to the fanboys, Chris O'Donnell cameos as a burnt-out, bitter alcoholic named Richard Grayson.

Bane and Batman settle their differences by sitting down and having a calm, rational discussion on the distribution of wealth in America and class politics.

Joeseph Gordon-Levitt cries like a little girl the entire movie

In Line At the Unemployment Office

They Might Be Giants Concert

Amish Barn Raising

Chicago Plumbers Local 130 UA Meeting

The Not-So Amazing Spider-Man

The Amazingly Boring Spider-Man

Peter Parker: The Amazing Boring Man

The 10% Amazing Spider-Man, 90% Andrew Garfield Not Doing Anything Remotely Memorable

We here at Bit City take our jobs as cultural gatekeepers very seriously – so much so, that we feel it our responsibility to bring you the latest reviews and opinions on movies, TV, and music whether we've actually seen or heard the piece of entertainment in question or not. With that in mind, here is our take on that new movie about male strippers.

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When I first heard about this film, my initial reaction was, "Oh great, just what we need – Showgirls with Channing Tatum." But then I heard it was directed by Steven Soderbergh, who I really like, so maybe it's actually pretty good. Not good enough that I'm going to pay money to go see it, mind you, but hopefully not half bad.

I've never been a huge Tatum fan: the one movie I've seen him in, G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, I was not impressed (and I never saw The Vow, though I heard it sucked). From what people are saying though, he's not that bad in this; the movie is apparently based on his own experience while stripping to pay for college or something, so hopefully it would be in his wheelhouse. He is the titular Magic Mike, but I guess that's not actually the main character. That would be some guy named Adam (Alex Pettyfer, the dude from that crappy I Am Number Four sci-fi movie no one saw, as well as In Time, that crappy Justin Timberlake sci-fi movie no one saw), a young college student, or college dropout, or whatever, who gets introduced to the world of male stripping by Tatum, who he works with doing construction, or maybe meets in class.

Then, a whole lot of stripping. Apparently there is one actual dong shown – in a penis pump no less – but I hear that's just a quick shot backstage. On stage, lots of abs and assless chaps. Oh, and Matthew McConaughey! In what is no doubt a revelatory, scene-stealing performance, McConaughey plays the strip club's owner with just the right mixture of smirk and self-awareness – slightly parodying his own public image to, I'm sure, hilarious effect. Not only, according to a review I just read, are there bongos, but also repeated use of the phrase, “All right, all right, all right." Sounds awesome.

With all the partying, however, comes the drugs – and with that the movie no doubt takes an unfortunate turn into the same “this is the bad time" 3rd Act we've seen before in Goodfellas, Boogie Nights, Blow and, I'd be willing to bet, half-a-dozen other movies. I expected a little more from Soderbergh then yet another “nobody to somebody back down to nobody again” story that takes place against a dangerous yet likely colorful backdrop of drugs and sex. This is a man who has shown equal acumen in directing everything from crackerjack popular entertainment (The Ocean's 11 films, which were pretty great – though I did fall asleep for a little bit during the second one) to award-winning dramas (Traffic, which I really enjoyed the one time I saw it), to experimental films like 2009's The Girlfriend Experience (which stars, like, a real porn star or something. I don't know, I just remember hearing about it) so the last thing I'd expect of him is to churn out a movie with such a generic plot. Oh well, I'm probably never going to see it anyway so, no huge loss. I really am interested in seeing McConaughey's scenes though – hopefully someone will put together a YouTube montage.

1. In reimagining of classic origin story, Peter Parker now gets powers not from the bite of a radioactive spider, but the bite of radioactive Hebrew School student Irwin J. Spiderman.

2. Stan Lee has a cameo as a creepy high school custodian that keeps trying to get Peter alone in the school locker room.

3. Director Marc Webb showcases the high-octane action sensibilities that drove (500) Days of Summer and the Maroon 5 “Harder to Breathe” video.

4. Post-credits teaser of Frank Langella working naked at a sewing machine humming softly to himself - then holding up what appears to be a giant suit covered in green feathers...

Like killer hybrid sharks, or Nicolas Cage's "Nouveau Shamanic" acting method, society is constantly evolving - and not always for the better. Occasionally something suddenly appears in pop culture, consumer goods, fashion, or group behavior that causes us at Bit City to pause, and to ask, "This is a thing now?"

7-11 Big Energy Coffee

1. The current year will bring an end to many unrealistic hopes

2. You will catch a CSI: Miami marathon on A&E

3. Your financial outlook is kind of “eh”

4. Beware the Ides of March, for it is then that you will lose your bus pass