#journes

Diskusi / sharing setelah pertunjukan di fasbuk

Photo Les stats des nombres de buts inscrits en Ligue 1 depuis 4 ans !

Life for me as an individual is hard. Who am I to compare myself to other people? Who am I to say that the pain I've gone through is a pain like no other? Who am I compared to the millions who are poor and have experienced death face to face? I am just a nobody in this world... Yes a nobody to other people. But right now, to myself... I am someone strong.

PAIN:

I've been through a lot of pain and heartbreak over the years of when I was supposed to be feeling my youth on the process of growing up. I felt unstable, broken and incomplete. Incomplete in the sense of not having what I should have normally had as a kid growing up. I've seen the life of having less a father in a family and a mother who was always working in another country. I grew in an environment that I thought was nice at the time I was younger but realizing right now that it really wasn't. It only gets harder, when I found out about how my relative, "that person" treated me and my sister. It's such a pain how I felt manipulated, lied to and cheated on by that person. Someone who was supposed to be protecting us, instead did things that a kid like me at that time could never forget.

A kid should be treated with love and care but I was treated differently. I thought for a number of years that I was the alone, the only victim; but eventually I found out that my sister was just the same as I was. When you come from a family who says behind your back: "Ah, yang dalawang yan, baka nga nag dadamo yan eh, nagbibisyo kasi nagbabanda banda sila. Magpapabuntis lang yan." You grow asking yourself, what have you ever done wrong to make them say that? I never smoked a cigarette in my life. I don't do drugs. I'm not even the type of person who drinks in occasions. So why? Why say those things? Why judge us just because we're high school kids in a band starting to discover our love for music? It also pains me that my mom in abroad never knew what was going on at that time.

High school was also a train wreck. The people who were supposed to be called my second parents, my second family and a place that was supposed to feel like my second home never felt that way. I never got the support and guidance from my teachers when I needed them the most. *I don't intend to speak badly about anyone. I just want to share REAL LIFE experiences. It's true that I never got the guidance I needed so please? If you're reading this post and if you're a teacher, please care for your students more. Please be in their need.

STRUGGLE:

It's sad that I only realized everything when I finally had a chance to live and grow up. It's heartbreaking that the pillars who were supposed to hold me strong in my youth... My relatives, my teachers and my father... Weren't actually there when everything else was falling apart. Instead of feeling guided and secured, I felt judged. I felt that the people who surrounded me were the jury of me and my sister's lives. The more they believed in false accusations and stories, the harder we got pushed away. The further we went and kept our lives to ourselves, afraid of making new friends and social interaction. Surrounded by negativity, it felt like nobody was really there for us.

ENDURE:

When my mom finally found about about everything, my twin and I started to live by ourselves. Another long and complicated process. Anyway, the chance to live alone while mom was still away was given to us. We still knew that people kept on judging and criticizing us for how everything ended. We were kids away from our relatives, all by ourselves in high school. They may think that it was the end, but for me it was the beginning. We had to endure a lot by ourselves. We felt lonely for years even though we were together. I felt sad, anxious and my confidence shut down. I could say that everything was a traumatizing experience. I kept on having nightmares for years. It was more like of a post-traumatic effect to what had happened. I was too emotional and very sensitive. I cried a lot at night and I became pessimistic. Not too long, I realized that I was forgetting a few very important things. God had a plan. God was still here, so I managed to recover.

LIGHT:

Like I said, even though they kept on saying there was nothing more for us; I knew that it was the beginning of a new life. I was scared being away from the family I knew. I was afraid of facing the big world independently. It was all His plan. All I know is that in the recent years of my life, when I started college I started growing strong. There, stood the few people who built me up when I was broken. It took me years to realize this because of the overshadowing pain, but I am thankful that they never gave up.

STRENGTH:

My mom, my sister and my boyfriend. These three people never left me behind.

My boyfriend, who kept me balanced and kept me moving on from the pain. I never really knew why, but he accepted everything that sucked in my life and tried to replace all the bad memories with good ones. While I was fixated in negativity, he was the one who kept on telling me to think of positive things. He was like a father sometimes, the way he treated me in the different moments I had. He understood the depth of my problems and instead of leaving a shattered girl like me, he chose to stay. For the first time, after a long long time; he made me feel alive. We have both had our issues but everything kept us strong. I am still at awe that he is the kind of balance that I needed.

My sister, my twin. I know for a fact that I am more confident and outspoken than she is; but, she is the strongest person I know even when she's more quiet than I am. Her patience is immeasurable compared to me who's easily tempered. She's the one who got us out of everything that hurt even though she was in the same amount of pain as I was. She was the person who stood up to the people who hurt us when I just kept myself frozen and shut in the sidelines because I was scared. The biggest regret making in life was not being able to protect her and stand by her side during the early periods of what had happened, so I promise to protect her now. Always.  

My mother, who we haven't seen for years but kept on working for us just to keep the two of us alive. In the absence of a father, the price to pay was we grow up separated from her just to live. She still managed to guide us through phone calls which molded us into better individuals. Those weren't just simple phone calls; those calls were our lifeline. I just learned how to accept the fact that it's better to have it this way than to have not known her at all like my father. Her devotion and love kept us alive, kept us going and kept us safe. I'm proud to say that I am living alone with my sister without the physical presence of our parents, but I grew up to be a fine young lady without any vices.

APPRECIATION:

Lord, thank You for everything. It was your plan all along. Nothing else could have made me a stronger person. I may not be ready to forgive and forget just yet because I didn't have anything that easy but please teach my heart compassion and guide me through the path or forgiving those who hurt us.

Thank you, for the gift of music and my very few but true friends. Thank you, for I may not be lucky enough to have a whole and true family; I am still lucky that you have given me true love. I may not be lucky enough to have an older bigger brother to protect me; but instead You gave me what every other sibling in this world could ask for, a protective and compassionate twin sister. And lastly, I may not be lucky enough to have known my father for my entire life; I am still lucky to have a mother who never gave up on us even at the worst of times. THANK YOU! Please take care of these people that I love so dearly.