April 28th, 2021
Life is just hard, and it’s been hard and I can't seem to climb out of it. It just feels like I'm tumbling further down a rabbit hole every day and I can't seem to catch ground. I want to be my own Prince Charming, sweeping me off my feet, saving myself first, because for me its who I should be willing to die for. I’ve been praying to be relieved of this desire to leave this earth, because no one should want to, right? I should want to live but I try and I try and I keep trying, but when does it become so complicated that I can’t try anymore? I feel like I’m there, and I’m struggling to be. It’s strange because I love me, and I can’t understand how it’s possible to love myself so much but want to die that much more, I just want happiness. They say happiness comes from the self, but what if it’s just not for me, like the universe played the stars out and decided it wasn’t meant to align and be becoming of me. I think about getting on antidepressants, but side effects claim potential worsening of suicidal thoughts and it doesn’t make sense to me to take something that could possibly make me worse, doesn’t that defeat the purpose? My mom says life sucks, than you die. A concept I never wanted to believe or think was reality. But she’s right and I hate that. I hate that she feels that way too, that we all just merrily exist for life to suck the literal life out of us and the basis is to survive. Does clarity clear the unseen and the troubling times or is it all just false hope for a moment of bliss that turns into emptiness?
As I write this, I realized something. I don’t numb as much anymore, not mentally, not physically no matter how badly I want to. I feel this switch when things become too much during the day, my eyes start to fade out, but lately I remember to blink it away and come back, sit in the emotion even if it is bleak. Even if it takes me away from everything I’m trying to make of the day, and just lie down for a few hours with my cat on my chest because maybe it is better than the alternative; emotion doesn’t always have to make sense and I’d rather go through these trials and errors and misfiring of struggles. Because after a while, my mind does quiet at these times, I sit with myself and I don’t disappear. A blank expression may find my face, a slight frown may permanently be apparent, but there are times of smiles. Life does suck, but maybe I’m at the point of breakthrough. People have been reaching out to me a lot these days, people I’ve never met, people that genuinely care. It finds me as strange, I’ve never been one to put my feelings out there or let others know I’m not okay, but there’s something comforting in knowing that even through a text, or a message, or a letter like ones I’ve been writing lately can change perspective of worth. That from these strangers, these friends, these loved ones come a sliver of hope that might just save my life. So, today I want to reach out to those I care for, those I don’t know that seem to be struggling and just say that you’re enough as you are… because I forget this all the time and think we all deserve to feel worthy of being alive. Here’s to living, even if life does suck and then you die.
