#spilledjournal

Life is just hard, and it’s been hard and I can't seem to climb out of it. It just feels like I'm tumbling further down a rabbit hole every day and I can't seem to catch ground. I want to be my own Prince Charming, sweeping me off my feet, saving myself first, because for me its who I should be willing to die for. I’ve been praying to be relieved of this desire to leave this earth, because no one should want to, right? I should want to live but I try and I try and I keep trying, but when does it become so complicated that I can’t try anymore? I feel like I’m there, and I’m struggling to be. It’s strange because I love me, and I can’t understand how it’s possible to love myself so much but want to die that much more, I just want happiness. They say happiness comes from the self, but what if it’s just not for me, like the universe played the stars out and decided it wasn’t meant to align and be becoming of me. I think about getting on antidepressants, but side effects claim potential worsening of suicidal thoughts and it doesn’t make sense to me to take something that could possibly make me worse, doesn’t that defeat the purpose? My mom says life sucks, than you die. A concept I never wanted to believe or think was reality. But she’s right and I hate that. I hate that she feels that way too, that we all just merrily exist for life to suck the literal life out of us and the basis is to survive. Does clarity clear the unseen and the troubling times or is it all just false hope for a moment of bliss that turns into emptiness?

You might have forgotten what it felt like, but poetry is just that; a preservation of an undying love, a bittersweet ending or a stab-in-the-back type of hate. Poetry is an eternal keep of the promises, laughs, cries and tears of what we felt back then.

Always cherish it.

And as the sun sets,

I wait for a better tomorrow

//210501

How we once were

The more I realize,

Just how mistaken I was

Let the moon hear my cries,

And let the tides send my whispers,

To the shooting stars,

Falling in the horizon

- Riptide

My pain sits heavy, one not worth believing. I land on a spectrum where differentiating reality’s darkness and purpose for living gets lost in translation because the heightened emotions of each, come and go but not as I please. When one hits, I want to leave. When the other, I can achieve anything. The problem is, what is the reason for either? Am I after approval, am I after success, am I after death? I think I’m just wanting things to make sense. I don’t just feel I am an outcast; I know I am. Sometimes I like this, it means I’m different, unique and my own. 

But with coping my mind finds another route until my own met the end where there was no bend, just through.

I think I met my breakthrough today because my mind ran out of ways to hide. Hiding the truth that I play two parts, entirely blind. My mind knows when another is around, I blame empathy for that. Maybe a sixth sense, I just know beforehand it’s time to change my face. I can’t let someone see the darkness, that would be intense. So, with pretending I go to my happy place. Cheery, change of voice, but then it stays. My mind thinks this is great, I am capable of so much, my potential is through the roof. I’m motivated let’s change the world. But later this shatters to the ground as my walls come down and I’m left coming up with each and every idea to neglect what’s actually real. I’ve gone through so much creation of fake, take me away that I can’t even face. What’s staring back at me. I battle an ordeal with strategy, analyzing and reasoning but it’s not what you’d think, it’s my own mind protecting me by changing subject matter, sometimes thinking of others. Mostly forgetting about myself because it’s always been easier this way, I never understood why but it’s teasing. My own being knew that this was heartbreaking and when you’ve been broken time and time again it leaves me blank. With everything unspoken because it just can’t. I’ve always been a runner, most people know this about me. Things get hard, people get too close, feelings intense and I’m out. New place, new me, a chance for no one to actually see what I’m blind to, subliminally. I’ve been living a labyrinth while writing it, but not fully grasping the meaning of why that word plays again and again in my mind followed with I don’t belong, no one understands. I can’t even understand so clearly no one else can. A labyrinth is powerful because in the process I get lost a lot, then find hope as I turn the page, or the figurative corner. I think I’ve got this, I'm finding my way out, impossible is bullshit. I’m limitless. I’ve found a new plan, a new way to neglect. This is perfect. Soon enough truth finds me again at a wall where it’s time to strategize and coordinate. I must be articulate. But I ran out. And found myself in a darkened corner, wings tattered and a bond that I didn’t know was apart, the mind from the heart. I grasped what this darkness had meant, it had been pretending and thinking what’s right, from what was Keri g me from reaching new heights. I tried blaming others, I tried blaming me, but blaming me made the hatred stronger and now that I’m here I feel fear. Fear that this understanding is something I can’t stand, that I’ll stay on this ground allowing myself to forget what I just learned, thinking it’s an illness that I can magically say this is and be prescribed more meds. But I don’t want to be a zombie, I also don’t want to neglect what I’m feeling because I see it clearly. I am one but I have darkness but a power to make light when it comes to others seeing, never for myself believing. I make contact with another and it’s game on. Fake face let’s go. This confused my mind all along. I’ve never been truly happy for me, only doing so for what I thought was to protect others, but really it was to hide my own being, the hatred, the disgust, the suppressed. I kept myself safe by making sure others knew I was okay but as I did the dissociation continued and ran. Separating further and further and that’s why blank just fit in perfectly. No feeling because the background was unseeing and I couldn’t hear the mastermind behind the scenes, the one counting everything to perfection because if I can track it, I can manipulate the thoughts pattern and ensure I have no time to actually find what it is that’s been hiding. Maybe this is confusing, maybe this will make understanding. These are words but to me there more because I get it now… yet now I am in Fear but I’m not afraid. I will face this person that is me, the darkest parts the destruction the girl I had allowed myself blind because of the fight, the war in my mind. I will fall, I have been breaking, but the point of a break-through is that even when the world crashes and breaks, and it feels like more than I can take- I power through. I continue and I never give up on me. Entirely. At the end of the day when I’m taking it all in it isn’t to reflect on the day it’s been to deflect from what has always been, and now I know I don’t want it to stay but the only way is to continue, break the mold break the breakthrough because I deserve to. I deserve to. I am enough. This time, I’m calling the part of me that doesn’t think this is worth it, and saying fuck you, we’re in it together and it’s me. All of it. Against the world and I can’t wait to see the other side and the opposite come together as one. A powerhouse. 

All we ever needed

Was each other

- Embrace

In a cold day such as this

Till i am,

Slowly,

Turned into crystals

- Stone Cold

Hold on a little longer

- I Beg