#journalofselfhealing

P.s. I want to get into #martialarts what dojo do you like?

It takes hold of my breath, so shallow so low, air won't fill my lungs. It interrupts my sleep with disruptive dreams feeling of something standing over me, watching me closely. My head gets foggy, thoughts become spirals of confusion and illusions. In moments like these I need to be alone or near someone that can ease my spirit. I can feel it wash away slowly as I listen to music with a frequency of positivity. I start to take bigger inhales and my body exhales the fears through dance. My head began to straighten out as I meditate away the shadow watching me. My dreams are emptied of anxiety. 

When the word vomit hit and you cant swallow it. Tripping on my tongue, words escaping me. They say it's freeing this little thing call vulnerability. Allow all your emotions, logic, being speak. Without holding back showing all the pieces of your puzzle. But is it freeing? Or does it open you up to all the hits your unsure if you could take until contact is made. Some say it's a weakness, a trap for others to use and abuse as they see fit. What is this little thing called vulnerability? What do you think?

Love is a tricky thing, it's sewed so intricately in my sleave, threads tough as nails but when snagged it hurts like hell. I see it's needed yet the choices got me defeated. There are times when your on my mind, the same time I think I'm fine. Whenever I want to speak with you I just write what I would say, usually it's just adventures, stories of the day. I hope your doing well, that you never fail. I hope you dreams come true, that you never feel blue. Love is a tricky thing because I want to see you grow, but you can't be near me this I know. So from afar I check in, reluctant to reach out until I can love you as a friend.

Ego is a two sided sword. On one end it can be releasing, telling of all thing needed to be said. On the other it can been misleading, creating fractions where petty is fed. Understand that ego is not big or small, it is an energy that grows tall, yet in the same breath its roots stretch low. To depths so far below, it reaches through the earth and touches space itself. It becomes a dragon you must tame in order to maintain and growth self loving wealth.

So for a long time if I found someone attractive I would flirt with an end game. I had a goal I was trying to accomplish most of the time. It was very rarely that I would just flirt freely, without any purposes but to enjoy that person or people's company in that moment and time. Now that I'm finally coming out of this bubble of depression I had stewed in for years and I'm actively not engaging sexual or romantic with anyone I feel like I can't flirt. So when someone shows interest in me I think I am subconsciously like tensing up and it seems like I don't like them at all. But I want to learn the friendly flirting technique. Like its fun and an ego boost but that's as far as it will go. I think that's a good skill to have. How do I do it?