Woke up rageful and in pain. I wake up every day in pain - like I just hiked a mountain for several days and I can barely walk to the bathroom my muscles and joints are so sore. Yesterday I asked for help to get to a lab for a blood draw. I asked a person I thought was my friend. But on the way home she asked invasive questions about my health and my dysphoria and why on earth would I want top surgery? I tried to explain to her, because I was trapped in the car and she was driving me home. I tried to explain that living inside my body with two foreign objects attached at all times is impossible feeling every day. She told me maybe my dysphoria was making me so physically sick. She told me I should go swimming or hiking or dancing because obviously exercise is going to solve my pain and fatigue? She told me at some point I need to get over my dysphoria and just exercise. She told me to eat healthy. She asked me how I am affording my life when I'm so debilitated. There was so much transphobia and ableism and classism. I was being judged so harshly for all the ways I have found to live, to stay alive, to survive. And none of it helps me understand why my body is suddenly 75 years old. I swear, I know I'm 28, but these bones and muscles joints are BEGGING me for a cane, a walker, a wheelchair. I tried to walk like I used to last night, the speed and uprightness and the stability my hips had once. I made it three steps before I was out of breath and in worse pain and I returned to my newfound hobble. But sure, I'll go for a hike or a swim cause that'll cure whatever is wrong. I'm so so scared every moment of every day because how the fuck to take care of myself? How the fuck to find out what's wrong? My doctor keeps pushing fibromyalgia. I thought I could be that, I guess it still could be fibro. There's no test, so there's no way to prove it either way it feels like. I'm scared I have Lyme. I cannot tell if my cognitive impairments are because of DID or because of physical illness. I'm getting tested for Lyme, that was part of the blood tests yesterday. I'll find out next week the results. But Lyme tests have roughly a 50% false negative. So why does the test even matter? And even if it is Lyme, how the fuck will I afford the treatments? Insurance is notorious for refusing to pay for long term Lyme treatment because it's "not a chronic condition" or some bullshit. Idk. I'm scared and needs to tell you all. Gotta get off the bus now and hobble to the psychiatrist. Love, Jo
