#jonos bracken

and also because current era blackwood v bracken has theeeee funniest set up of:

Noble Houses of the Riverlands: House Bracken of Stone Hedge

35_Tormenta de espadas_Catelyn IV

Los siete bajaron a Lord Hoster por la escalera del agua, chapoteando en los escalones a medida que subía el rastrillo. Cuando depositaron el bote en la corriente, Lothar Frey, un hombre corpulento y de carnes blandas, respiraba jadeante. Jason Mallister y Tytos Blackwood, que se ocupaban de la proa, se metieron hasta el pecho en el río para guiar la barca. 

Benedict Rivers/King Benedict Justman - a bastard of both Blackwood and Bracken who rises to become King of the Trident - pretty neat but loses points for going with the most boring name possible.

Shiera Blackwood - When it came to supporting Rhaenyra, I wonder if House Blackwood remembered how they would have been Kings and Queens of the Riverlands had the Riverlords just accepted a woman's rule?

Agnes Blackwood - Speaking of Queens of the Riverlands... vengeful Curse of Agnes Blackwood for the win

Royce Blackwood - Come on, Daella, girl, honey. He sings, he writes his own ballads, he's your age...

Samwell Blackwood - Shit at duelling, but unlike Amos Bracken he did not hold a grudge for his failed attempt to court Rhaenyra, so who's the real loser?

Alysanne Blackwood - Bisexual, archer, warrior, peacemaker, smells of woodsmoke... Cregan blushes and twirls his hair nervously. I will never forgive HOTD for erasing her in favour of... two random ocs for tumblr to ship, followed by a for some reason still-alive Samwell and Amos at the Riverlands Geneva Convention... we lost so much. Who else bets they're going to take her peacemaking role and give it to Alicent?

Red Robb Rivers - What is it with House Blackwood and iconic archers? Gave Criston Cole a very satisfying reward for being a loser.

'Bloody Ben' Blackwood - 11-years-old and an absolute mad lad... at least that's his reputation in battle. This shy little boy had to lead men into battle at 11 and wept to see the dead, he saw more bloodshed by 13 than most grown men see their entire lives... and come on I know AddamxDaeron is the more popular ship but I am an AddamxBenjicot truther. This little boy carried Addam's body from the battlefield and kept his bones at Raventree Hall for 8 years. 8 years.

Sarra Stark, Alys Stark, Raya Stark, Mariah Stark - we barely know you but I hope none of you died in childbirth

Melissa Blackwood - "ugh grrm is so biased against the brackens, waah I'm team barba" - how about Team Being Nice to Naerys? Clearly the more politically astute - at least she actually succeeds in maintaining influence at court. And guess whose kid actually gets to be King in all but name? Guess who gets to claim Mount Big Tits in the end? That is how you play your cards right.

Gwenys Rivers & Mya Rivers - I like to think these two are partially responsible for whatever the hell Brynden's deal is - I get witch vibes from both.

Brynden 'Bloodraven' Rivers - "How Many Eyes Does Lord Bloodraven Have? A Thousand Eyes, and One". Sorry Aegor girlies but do you have a riddle this cool? Yeah he set up a police state, lured Aenys to his death and is probably going to trap Bran in a tree... but if his alter ego Maynard Plumm is anything to go by dude could have had a solid stand-up career. I mean, "We'd all be bastard sons of old King Aegon if half these tales were true", "And who's to say we're not?" 😉 You fucking jester you're so proud of that one aren't you?

Quentyn Blackwood - Sorry, all we know about you is that Otho the Brute smashed your face in during a tourney. I guess they have to get a win sometimes.

Betha Blackwood - Spirited, stubborn, wilful... I am begging for either F&B part 2 or later Dunk and Egg stories to tell us more about her... but I salute her attempts to nudge House Targaryen away from incest.

Duncan Targaryen - joins Jacaerys Velaryon and Baelor Breakspear in the Beautiful Dark Haired Targ Kings Who Should Have Been club.

Jaehaerys & Shaera - yeah I just cannot justify their choices... the mistake was naming him Jaehaerys in the first place. I suppose their union did give us Dany eventually, but man the cost...

Daeron Targaryen - All of Aegon's sons married for love... 😢 We do need to come up with a moniker for him though. We've got Daeron the Daring, Daeron the Young Dragon, Daeron the Good, my personal icon Daeron the Drunken... Maybe Daeron the Devoted?

Rhaelle Targaryen - "Rhaelle, Egg’s little girl…she used to call me uncle maester" 😭 Real talk how devastated must Aemon have been to know it was his favourite niece's grandson who nearly destroyed his family? It was out of love for her that he allowed the possibility of Stannis being Azor Ahai, in his words even hoped it.

Alyssa Blackwood - very shit luck marrying Walder Frey and probably dying in childbirth. Anything to not marry a Bracken I guess.

Lame Lothar Frey - Much as I hate him for it I do have to credit him as a key mastermind in the Red Wedding, and it was his idea to play the Rains of Castamere. I'm intrigued to see him and Bloodraven share notes on deceit and presentation.

Tytos Blackwood - Dope ass cloak. "Grr GRRM is so biased against Jonos Bracken in favour of perfect loyal Blackwoods with their special magic old gods so basic waaah" - Jonos is a homophobic little bitch who tries to get baby Bethany taken hostage and he doesn't even have a cool cloak.

Tyta the Maid - Tyta the Lesbian more like.

Hoster 'Hos' Blackwood - "A weakling, this one. Water for blood. Never mind how tall he is, any one of my girls could snap him like a rotten twig" - said a jealous Jonos Bracken who doesn't even know how to read.

Bethany Blackwood - "Blackwood has six sons, but only the one daughter. He dotes on her. A snot-nosed little creature, couldn't be more than seven" - um Jonos did this 7-year-old call you names one time or something?

Big Walder Frey - You know what, I'm rooting for this little dude. I believe he'll inherit the Twins one day.

I could go on to list all of Aegon and Betha's descendants but to cherry pick a few:

Rhaegar Targaryen - Royce Blackwood vibes anyone?

Stannis Baratheon - Way too much to unpack briefly here if I'm honest, but as misogynists go he's my favourite

Daenerys Targaryen - Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains, Azor Ahai - Egg and Beth would be so proud.

Jon Snow - I'm manifesting post-resurrection albino Jon to match Bloodraven

Shireen Baratheon - I just want her and Hos to get together and talk books

Mya Stone - ok hear me out Shadrich is going to kidnap Sansa and Mya is going to go after them with her mules and she and Sansa are going to kiss and kill Littlefinger-

Gendry - Knight of the Hollow Hill, defender of orphans, captures the heart of a Stark... a true Blackwood legacy.

Ok now Brackens

Benedict Rivers/King Benedict Justman - Yeah ok house bracken gets to claim you too I guess

Lothar Bracken - So first this snake betrays Agnes Blackwood, and then Harwyn Hoare starves him in a crow cage anyway... you can't escape Lady Agnes Blackwood's curse.

Lyle Bracken - Participation award for an assist in knocking Maegor out for a couple of weeks, but that blow to the head probably made him worse.

Ser Olyvar Bracken - Hilariously part of Maegor's kingsguard, I would love to know more about his relationship with Lyle. Tried to lead a Faith Militant rebellion in the Night's Watch. In the North. Where people worship the Old Gods. Like most Brackens, he didn't think this through.

Amos Bracken - Beat Samwell Blackwood twice in a duel, but in the end was no match for my girl Black Aly.

Ser Raylon Rivers - In the end the supporter of Team Misogyny got lured away from Stone Hedge by a woman and a 10-year-old boy, leaving it for the taking. Classic Bracken failure.

Humfrey Bracken - I guess you supported Team Black in the end. Well done on the bare minimum.

Lord Bracken - Worst dad. Budget Otto Hightower (the bar is in hell). Openly talks about getting one daughter crowned while Queen Naerys was still alive, then grooms his other poor daughter to pimp her out to Aegon the Unworthy. Not even worth naming.

Barba Bracken - Got to love a girl with famous tits. Not as politically astute as Missy, but the commitment to a stint in the Maidenvault can't have been fun. Loses points for helping groom her poor baby sister, but perhaps that's just the history books talking. Did she blame her father, for feeding them to Aegon? Did she blame herself, for losing Aegon? Would her sister still be alive if she hadn't lost favour? Or is it easier to blame Melissa, that flat-chested bitch, it's her fault, it's her fault not mine- Do I ship Barbissy? (let's be real they would be way juicier than whatever they're trying to do with rhaenycent)

Bethany Bracken - My heart absolutely breaks for this poor girl. Also... her nephew founded the Golden Company... which was eventually commanded by Myles Toyne... exiled following the downfall of House Toyne due to Terrence Toyne's execution... how much do Bethany and Terrance haunt the Golden Company?

Aegor 'Bittersteel' Rivers - Ok I have to admit, 'Beneath the Gold, the Bitter Steel' is a baller war cry. And I wonder how much he dreamt of Naerys' death - if she had died, he'd have been Aegor Targaryen. Unfortunate though that his devotion to Daemon Blackfyre's family only goes so far, since he refuses to help Daemon II... classic Bracken homophobia.

Otho Bracken - The Brute of Bracken, responsible for reigniting the feud (though tbh that was always going to happen). Refuses to help Dunk, literally shrugs and says "sorry boy not my problem"... brutal. And frankly, rude.

Jonos Bracken - Homophobic loser. Can't read. Probably bullied by a 7-year-old girl.

Barbara Bracken, Jayne Bracken, Catelyn Bracken, Bess Bracken, Alysanne Bracken - I wish we knew more about you other than that one of you was raped. Though I'm sure you are all horse girlies, which is neat.

Harry Rivers - might not be a Bracken, which would be a win for him if he were alive to enjoy it.

Possible Bracken-Blackfyre descendants (if House Blackfyre is extinguished in the male line then remaining Blackfyres probably come from Calla and Bittersteel).

Varys - I fully subscribe to Varys Blackfyre theories. I doubt Jonos would approve of his perfume, but Brynden Rivers would surely give the dude a respectful handshake for disguises and shenanigans. Most Blackwood Bracken to ever Blackfyre.

Serra - so sorry girl you had to marry Illyrio Mopatis. I subscribe to the theory that she tried to escape with her son to get him away from Illyrio's machinations and that's why Illyrio still has her hands - a punishment for theft. I hope Illyrio chokes on his cheese.

Young Griff - I love that Varys's speech in no way describes this spoilt, bad-tempered, blue-haired mummer's dragon, but oh my god. This boy is so doomed by the narrative. His adoptive father must feel the truth deep down, but he will burn King's Landing to crown him before he faces reality - and probably Young Griff with it. It's the Bracken blood in him, he just can't win.

In Conclusion

To all Bracken-stans who complain of pro-Blackwood bias... Bracken loser energy is objectively hilarious and I have to ask, are you not entertained?

Advisor: my lord, Robb Stark is dead. the Freys have betrayed us

Tytos Blackwood: oh no

Advisor: also Roose Bolton has gone over to the Lannisters

Lord Tytos: this is bad

Advisor: and we can expect no help from the Young Wolf's other allies. Houses Piper and Mallister have switched sides

Lord Tytos: then we must also pay tribute to Lord Tywin

Advisor: i agree, it is the only way

Messenger: my lord, it seems Jonos Bracken has joined with the Kingslayer-

Jonos: art by sugarwhitedeath, AWOIAF Page

Roose: art by lupotterdraws, AWOIAF Page