#jispa

Once they’ve gotten what they desired it was just natural that they leave. You've lost count at how many nights you lost crying over dumb little boys until daybreak, staying in your room until you couldn’t tell the difference between the moon or the sun anymore. You were still young, naive and sensitive; your heart ached from only giving love and receiving nothing in return. 

But was it really that wrong for you to want something you never had? You weren’t quite yet giving up but with the countless series of unfortunate experiences in dating, you harboured quite a stigma around fair looking guys with silver tongues. It was at that moment you met him. 

Jispa.

Despite his boyish looks and charismatic smile that was just so contagious and bright, he was everything you despised. His coy conversations, his flirty demeanour and adventurous spirit told you all you needed to know should you return his stubborn feelings for you. Everything about him reminded you of your exes. Guys like Jispa didn’t have a penchant for caring much about relationships or basically anyone but themselves.

Nevertheless, he was relentless in his own pursuit, showing up wherever you went, showering you with unctuous platitudes and surprising you with small yet thoughtful gifts. It was by far the most anyone had ever done for you, recounting at how quickly they would retract once you reject their offer for a drink to save face.

But not Jispa, he was shameless with his emotions and careless in how he wields it. No matter how many times you’ve turned him away he always came running back optimistically with that gleam in his eyes, hoping that this time you would reciprocate.

You knew you couldn’t let him get too close to you, for if you did you’re afraid you might never recover if he left. People with an innate sense of adventure never tended to stay for too long, just like your parents which you learned well from early on.

However you couldn’t deny that you loved and craved his ardent attention on you

Throughout his incessant interest and amidst of your own solitude you ended up having quite a unique relationship with the said man, one with no strings attached.

Was it strange? Cruel? Ironic? All of your friends seemed to thought so, sleeping with a man who professed his fondness for you while you exploited his affections and used him liberally for your own personal gain. But wasn’t the reason he was after you the exact same thing all men wanted?

At first you thought what you did was completely harmless, in fact you decisively considered that this give and take contract would be beneficial for the both of you. One where you would partake in the enjoyment of each other’s pleasure while remaining completely detached in the emotional aspect. You figured he would tire in your company and move on to other things like so many had, and yet instead after a month of this particular exchange, you would find him still as smitten as the first day you met him.

You knew better than to let your feelings dictate your actions. He was here for a good time and so were you, treating each other more as a convenience rather than proper lovers.

Which is why you were here this evening, dressed at your best from the dress you picked out since last night to meet someone. Sitting alone at the designated café, you checked your phone to see that he was twenty minutes late.

Sure, things can happen during the road, it wasn’t that big of a deal. You made a note that the highways can get pretty congested during the evenings, one of the adverse effects of living in the city was that the traffic could become unbearable during the prime hours. These kinds of thoughts would’ve easily calmed you down but the way he hadn’t responded to your texts all day had your stomach turn into knots.

No way would your friend confidently introduce you to would turn out to be the type to do something like this. She said that he was exactly your type, someone who was also serious about relationships, someone kind and charitable, educated and progressive, someone who valued trust and teamwork. From the way she pitched this guy, he sounded like the one for you.

Quickly texting him another message, you decided to wait for ten more minutes.

Bouncing one of your legs up and down in anticipation, you watched the sky got darker and darker turning from bright orange to a deep purple haze as the minute passes while mindlessly sipping at your drink which became diluted from all the ice melting.

“Excuse me, are you using this chair?” A girl requested politely in a soft tone as if not to startle you. You looked up from the window at the sudden voice and gathered yourself quickly from your daze.

“Oh sorry, I’m waiting on someone.” Shooting her an apologetic smile she shyly apologised back and returned to her group of friends in search for another extra chair somewhere else. The girl may feel a bit self-conscious at your rejection but nothing could compare to how embarrassed you felt.

Getting up from your chair you don’t head for the exit but instead the counter, buying another glass of your favourite drink from this place. The barista took your order where you paid and returned back to your table, scrolling idly through your phone.

The ten minutes you told yourself quickly turned into forty minutes.

After today you would have to look for another establishment that made pastries and drinks as good as this one for you knew you could never show your face here again. The same group of teenage girls who jovially exchanged conversations had soon finished and left the place passing by you and though they didn’t say anything or particularly looked your way, you could feel shame starting to set in at the still clearly empty chair.

You felt as if all eyes were on you, wondering why you were here for so long, who you were waiting for. The workers in this café probably knew that you got stood up, they most likely even knew from way before. This was the third time this week something like this happened to you, actually you hadn’t had much luck in even meeting anyone, after days worth of promising talk you would suddenly never hear from them again.

Anger, resent, humiliation.

Those were the emotions that were raging inside you. You wished you hadn’t been so blinded by false hopes again, you wish you hadn’t spent so much time preparing yourself for the date, you wish you hadn’t listened to your friend, you wish you hadn’t gotten out of bed at all.

The city had now turned on all the lights as the midnight sky settled in for the night. Blinking back the tears you looked up at your contacts and texted a quick message wondering if they had any plans.

Instead of texting back the person called you immediately after the text was delivered.

“Hey, I got your message.” That’s right, Jispa always preferred calling over texting. “I’m at the gym, do you need something?”

Biting the inside of your cheek you held on to the little pride you have left and replied, “no, just wondering.” Deflating once you knew that he was doing something else.

“Are you doing anything right now?”

“No.” Jispa let out a breathy laughter through the phone which sounded so damn attractive that you scolded yourself for thinking so.

“I get it, you just miss me that much,” you could practically see his smug face and teasing grin from the sound of his voice. “Even after we did it so many times yesterday-”

“I’m hanging up,” you retorted back as he mirthfully laughed once more and begged you not to.

“Drop your pin for me babe, I’ll come get you right now.”

“But what about your training session?” you couldn’t help but ask, masking your contentment as soon as he made his mind up on skipping his night time workout routine.

“And pass up the chance to see you? I think you should know me better than that by now.” You could never get over how easily he throws you compliments, nevertheless you started to ease yourself the more you talked to him, your loneliness slowly creeping away from you and making you feel whole again.

You ended up giving him your location at the end as he arrived just minutes later on his infamous motorcycle. Showing you his dazzling smile before making a quick comment on how pretty you looked, he took of his jacket and handed it to you- well more like draped it over your shoulders.

“It’s cold,” Jispa nonchalantly said. You rolled your eyes at his cheesy attempt but thanked him regardless as you got on the back of the seat. You had your hands at his sides before he suddenly intertwined his fingers with yours and pulled you closer so that you hugged him tightly. Sighing in initial reluctance you couldn’t help but rest your weary head against his back as he drove through the streets, enjoying how comfortable this was.

Meanwhile Jispa couldn’t wipe the smile off his face- actually the moment you called he wasn’t able to contain his excitement. Hearing you reach out for him and implying all your needs to be with him made him drown out his thoughts to calm himself down before he goes all loony over you.

Though when he picked you up from the side of the café, he couldn’t help but let guilt eat away at his heart. To see you so heartbroken made his heart ache just as much. It made him wish that he hadn’t let the guy go so easily with a broken nose.

To be able to hold you, touch you and spend countless of passionate nights together is already a blessing, but it seemed like it was never enough for him. He always wanted more from you, whether it was time or sex he could never satiate his desire nor need for you.

Of course he couldn’t let you know he was behind all these unsuccessful dates for the past month, trading information from all the connection he could get to scare these losers one by one. He was the reason they refrained from ever seeing you again. Apparently the chance to go on a date with you or facing the brunt of his anger seemed a bit too risky for all of them to consider.

But he just knew that they wouldn’t treat you right, none of these guys could ever begin to fathom just how precious you are. They could never understand you like he did and love you just as much he does. Why you even bother trying to make it work is beyond him. In his eyes, he couldn’t see anyone but him worthy enough to take such a title.

Often he thinks he’s completely entitled of you, almost treating it as a birth right. To deny him of such privilege is like a crime to his rightful claim.

After turning off the engine, he lets you in all too happily while chivalrously opening up the door for you to enter first. You visited his place many times to become quite acquainted with yourself at the familiar surroundings, even going so far as to know the brand of toothpaste he uses.

Spearmint, a fairly popular brand.

Taking his jacket off and putting it to the side, you heard him close the door before enveloping his arms around you from behind. Gently kissing down the nape of your neck you felt a mix of feelings stirring down inside you. After a rough time back at the café you were elated that there was someone you could spend your time with, however you just weren’t up for some mindless sex at the moment.

Jispa made you feel so good about yourself even in the brevity of the exchange you could feel yourself finding solace in his embrace. During the height of the most passionate moment, you had never felt loved, so wanted by another, to be revered and worshiped that even the gods themselves would shake in envy. But that feeling never lasted, instead it wavered and passed quickly once you’re back at your own apartment the next morning; instead this time, it was really company that you wanted.

Before he could unzip your dress from the back, you turned around abruptly and flashed him a sympathetic smile. “Can we not do this right now? I changed my mind,” you asked, pulling his hands down from you. “I’m really sorry I called you for nothing.”

If he was disappointed Jispa didn’t show it on his face, rather he griped your hand that was subtly pushing him away and squeezed it affectionately. “Hey it’s ok, I don’t mind,” he quickly replied, brushing away some loose strands from your face as he ducked down enough to lower himself to your eye level. “We can always do something else…”

Your eyes flickered up towards him at his suggestion. Something else? Was that against the rules? At first you both came up with arrangements in order to make sure that this was kept strictly professional, but within days you’ve already broken so many rules. Initially you both promised to keep kissing out from your contract, yet Jispa just whispered, ‘sorry’ before pressing his lips against yours. It felt so good and intimate that you let him continue anyway.

Another rule you agreed was that you couldn’t spend the night over at each other’s place, but there were days where he would make valid arguments countering that policy saying that it was too late, too cold, too dangerous that he, in good conscious, could not let you go home.

Already pushing the boundaries of what’s meant to be simple, you’re afraid you’ll cross a line in which you could never turn back, the line you have is already this hazy and you don’t know when you’ll draw a clear one with him.

Jispa could feel your apprehension as a conflict of interest between your mind and your heart occurred inside your head. While rubbing soothing circles at the back of your hand, he couldn’t help but feel pitiful towards you. Before him, there were many others willing to use your naivety for their own benefit that he couldn’t blame you for keeping your guards up around him. Years of neglect and abuse had rendered you to be so sensitive when it comes to the subject of these matters, he couldn’t jeopardise his chance to prove himself to you.

 “We could watch that new movie instead, I’ll even order takeout from that restaurant you like so much,” Jispa prompted cheerfully, amping up the suddenly sullen atmosphere as you laughed in disbelief at his idea.

“I thought you wouldn’t touch anything that goes against your dietary regime,” you remarked, knowing full well that this man cares too much about his health and fitness to even consider fast food as a proper meal.

“I’ll coax myself to eat anything just to have something nice with you,” he grimaced playfully at the thought. “So how about it? Totally platonic.”

“Platonic,” you repeated back after him with a soft smile dancing on your lips. “Sounds good to me.”

His eyes brightened once you agreed, leading you to the couch where he quickly put on the movie as you made yourself comfortable beside him.

Progress, that was all it was, a step by step process on breaking down the wall that’s created such distance between you two. But for now he couldn’t just freely tell you the truth on just how much he liked you, he wouldn’t want to scare you away. Truthfully he knew that threatening these guys to break your heart was eating away at your self-esteem, but if that’s what it takes to make you reach out to him he’d gladly put your feelings aside just this one time.