#jindi

Aftermath of Spite, 2019

When New York failed them, when California failed them, they found their way to the Pacific northweat . Some sleepy seaside town in the middle of nowhwere but an hour away from the nearest airport so her father doesn't complain. But that didn't last for long before they found themself in a city again. Portland was nice enough. She made him drive. Hills weren't her friend.

It fits. She finds herself working for a local radio station. Which is not something she ever thought she would end up doing but she took a chance like he told her to and before she knew it she was half of a popular radio duo. Mostly she offered strange music knowledge along with heavy sarcasm. Her partner was the cliche clown. But it worked. He didn't take anything she said seriously and she made good money by making fun of people. What more could she have wanted? Jude calls in every so often and pretends to be someone new each time but the regular listeners knew his voice, knew he was in a band. Knew Indiana would lay her life on the line for the lumbering fool.

Jude makes a joke about how the area turns musicians in to suicidal heroin addicts but Indiana is quick to correct him and say that new York did. He laughs and agrees. It's music to her ears. He's been hooked on to mystery conspiracy podcast lately, listens to it when he's working out or doing chores around the house. It makes him think. Gives her weird dreams because she also has no choice but to listen to it. She can't help but to hear in her head a lot, " no one could have pulled the trigger on themself on that much herion."

She refuses to be his courtney love. He calls her crazy but he has that twinkle in his eye. She huffs and pours but he's not wrong. She loves him and he drives her crazy. But there is no one else in the world that she's wake up before just to run down the block to get that overpriced bean juice he loved so much.

It's overcast. She likes that. She likes to see cloud float past the moon.for a lot time she thought clouds only existed during the day until she started to stay up more during the night. But then again she didn't have much choice in that because during that time she wasn't doing much of sleeping anyways and just was trying to survive cold new York winters because she was stubborn and let herself be homeless instead of accepting the help of her father. That's something she sees a lot of here. Maybe back home they hid better but everywhere she looked in this area there was a slowly expanding tent city. Maybe she's envious of that set up and wishes she had that ten years ago when she struggled . But she has a roof over her head now so there was no use being caught up in daydreams of the past.

She rolls over and faces him. He's playing some game on his phone, mumbling about a Pokemon that showed up but she gets distracted looking at him. smoke curls around him and she finds herself tracing lines with her eyes. They're older, that much is for sure. They've been together a fair amount of years now, but each wrinkle has a story . He looks more his she than she does. But Jude is more keen to show emotions and be animated. Indiana has no frown lines or laugh lines. But she supposed that being five feet tall plays in her favor as she still gets carded everywhere they go. Or maybe it plays against her. The jury is still out on that one.

She shifts, head on his stomach, his free hand cards through her hair. Teases her about brushing it. but it's not knotted or anything. She's not much of a mess anymore. Or at least she tries to be.

This was paradise to her. She didn't need a fancy house, a picket fence, and 2.5 kids. She had Jude and a studio apartment with a strange cat that hangs out in their balcony once in a while. They have a betting pool with some of their friends, trying to figure out who the ghost of a car belongs to. Indiana swears it's the Albanians who live next to them. Jude hangs on to the hope that it's their other neighhbor because he never sees them but hears them.

Sometimes Danny comes up from LA. Sometimes he brings Temple. They were the one who persuaded him to go out west and somehow temple always found a way to go. They're in a band of sorts with him, but temple loves derby too much so they won't commit full time. it doesn't help that they also took over managing one of their mom's restaurant so Temple is busy a lot. Indiana still doesn't like them but that's mostly due to the fact that every time they make it up there, Jude has another weird onesie to add to his Dragon horde. She's glad Danny is happy doing what he does now. He explained it to her once but she spaced out wondering if that was the most words he ever said to her without looking away. He's made leaps and bounds of progress but she won't tell him or Jude how proud she is of Danny.

She tells all three of them one night as they passed a bowl that new York is just toxic and she knew that it was bad for people. Temple laughs and says she needs a vacation. They're not wrong. They propose hawaii. Jude says they can afford cannon beach. Danny just wants to go to a good food truck.

Indiana tells them they're not invited anyways .

Jude stirred quietly not to wake the body next to him. Slipping out silently, he walked across the bedroom, down the hall, down the stairs, and out the back porch. The air was humid and cricket sounds filled the summer night air. He pulled a joint out from the pocket of the hoodie he grabbed on his way out, crouching low and lighting it. 

It was quiet but so noisy here at the same time. The crickets, the lake nearby, owls, other creatures of the night. Being this close to nature had a calming effect on his restless mind that seemed to pace endlessly, especially on those nights he tried to call it an ‘early night’.

Early night my ass, there were no early nights. 

For some reason he ended up in his camera roll, scrolling, scrolling, past all the recent pictures of Kirby, the pup sleeping in a million different positions while Jude took pictures like a creep. Scrolling some more and then more, until he went a little too far. 

Well, fuck. He cursed his iCloud for having a backup of, well, everything. Because here were pictures and remnants of his past life, all laid out. It was all in fragments of course, because she never really liked photographs, despised them like some ancient from another land claiming photographs steal your soul. But still, the occasional face popped up in the blur of food, beds, hair and knees. 

Hell, there were a few posed pictures too, the two of them side by side, dressed to the nines for a wedding or function or something he couldn’t remember. Hannah had taken that picture, he at least remembered that, clearly. Indiana had her trademark look on where you couldn’t tell if she was smiling or scowling. 

And the Jude in the photo — well, he was definitely skinnier back then, but he was smiling a full grin, ear to ear. Maybe all the more so because he knew how she would be smiling in the picture. Or rather, not.

What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he just move the fuck on? Why did he have the same recurring dreams every month, about chasing a blonde down dark tunnels and rabbit holes, forever trying to catch up to her but she was always out of reach? It was an endless cycle of shitty nightmare and waking up in cold sweat, and he’d had enough.

 He didn’t want therapy for it, though. That would mean there was a problem. And he had no problem. He was absolutely fine. His life was just fine. 

And yet, he’d switch from the photos to his contacts, scroll down to find Indiana’s name, her California number. Wonder what on earth she was doing now, where she was, what she was. 

As usual, his idealist self thought up a scenario where he would travel and find her, how after initial resistance he’d be welcomed back with open arms, and they’d be together once more. 

Because fuck it — soulmates only happened once in a lifetime, right? And they were each other’s. That was just that. The night sky was velvet black and studded with stars, and each one seemed to spell out her name. They mocked him. 

It wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t fair, Jude thought, smoking his joint down to the very bottom. Thoughts got fuzzier but clearer at the same time. It wasn’t fair, how this life worked. You found the one you were meant to be with, but couldn’t be with them. Fuck that.

He was ungrateful though, so ungrateful. Here he was, with a girlfriend, dogs, home that was twenty times bigger than the basement he and Dan used to live with, and he felt just as miserable as he had been in that basement shitpit. He was an ungrateful bastard, nothing he ever worked towards would ever truly come to fruition, and he’d never really be anybody. That was just that.

All because he’d had the love of his life and squandered it. A fool.

His finger hovered over the button. There was a 3 hour difference, she might still be awake. But even if she did answer, he wouldn’t know what in the world to say. 

J U D E     &                           I N D I A N A 

small photo dump of mahdi and jin 🤭🤭🤭

AK 47 Lyrics – Ninja