#jimochi

This was never me at times. The other members had never had the courage to go up to me and say if I’ve ever cried because of a dead body once but if I had a something to wish for, the most obvious answer would be to tell the whole family of fans the real truth.

I didn’t want to be stuck in eternity suffering the pain of something that has already passed, I didn’t want anyone to know the problem I faced after that year everything collapsed onto me. It would just mean that everyone else would be hurt because of me. I hated it.

I walked into the cemetery after taking a few more uneasy steps towards the entrance, almost losing my footing getting into the area before I was greeted by the rows and lines of tombstones. I felt my hands shaking at the tension and atmosphere of the cemetery as a breeze kicked in and brushed past my cheek sending goose bumps to travel up my spine.

Walking slowly through the rows of graves, I made my way towards her. I couldn’t count how many times I had visited her bed since all my mind was focused on was the vision of seeing her face again, feeling the warmth of her hand and the soft touch of her skin. Her voice alone as she sang through the microphone in the practice room or the fact my arms could wrap around her waist so elegantly like a ribbon on a present made a smile plaster onto my face. The only difference that made all those memories fall apart, was the fact that she was no longer with me.

I made my way to her grave before standing in front of her tombstone, placing the fresh bouquet of flowers beside the eroded stone marking. Faint lines of sentences were carved onto the stone with small pieces of moss and plants growing onto the moist surfaces and cavities of the grave. It was amazing to realize that her name was still visible, even if one fearful year had already flown by. The way it spelled her name perfectly or the way it still looked beautiful despite all types of climate hitting against the stone felt wonderful to look at.

I sat down in front of her grave, making sure I placed my body on top of my coat so I didn’t get my pants dirty. I gazed at her name that was written on the stone, making sure I didn’t let a tear drop down like every other visit.

“Kim Haesoo. Born XX/XX/XXXX, Died 13/10/2017.”

“She will be loved by family and friends.”

A heavy sigh escaped my lips as I turned to face her grave, opening my lips to start a conversation.

“It’s very chilly today, isn’t it?” I answered, already knowing that no reply would echo into my ears.

“I’ve decided to skip practice today to spend the rest of the day with you. My Manager had told me that I should be worrying more about my health more than you, but of course, you wouldn’t be too happy if you didn’t see me anymore because of that.”

An eery silence was what was given in return. The unusual cold wind once again brushed past my body as I tried to warm myself up with a little bit of friction.

“I brought you some more flowers today from the nearest flower shop. I got you your favorite roses along with your favorite color wrapping. I thought it would look nice on you, and it didn’t fail me twice.” I faintly smiled trying to prevent myself from tearing up.

“That’s it. I wanted to read this out with you today.” I explained before pulling out an envelope wrapped in light blue paper. “This was the last letter you ever wrote before you had died. Your mother told be all about you and how you spent every day of your life writing down your progress so far. I am glad that you are the one that makes me cry every day.”

I took out the letter and slipped the envelope paper into my pocket before turning the many sheets of paper over and reading the first word.

13th of October, 2017

Dear Jimin,

Today is the day. This is it. It’s the day you were born and raised continuously for 21 years. I can’t believe that that many years have gone by and yet a cute and adorable puffy cheeks man had grown out of that. It’s funny to know that 21 years ago, a baby was crying and wanted the company of their mother. Now, it feels like you are becoming my own family Jimin. I know it sounds cheesy right now but I can’t grasp the handle tight enough to tell you the truth about everything, even though you’ll know all of this by now since you'be read my other letters.

I saw you practicing in the practice room for the last time in the building before I had done my dramatic performance and collapsed near the door frame, unconscious and sick. You were so elegant, so smooth and beautiful when you danced to the music, and I watched you till I couldn’t move anymore. That was how much I needed you. I had fallen for you because you were the Jimin I had known for my entire life. Everything just had to be broken apart all because of a stupid disease called “Cancer”.

I was honestly shocked at first when the doctor had told me that I had cancer and wouldn’t live up until October. The whole world had frozen when the exact words slipped out of his tongue. My mother couldn’t even believe it too. Her face was all I could see when everything went quiet that day. I was scared. I was scared of losing my best friend.

I found out about your concert in Japan, the day before I was sent to the emergency room and taken into special care. I wished I would’ve been there too and see you dance your life out, smiling and waving to your fans like every other concert. Oh, those lucky fangirls…

Instead, I was in bed. Thinking about my entire existence to see whether or not cancer would just magically disappear with the snap of a finger. I wanted to go see you perform your new album, but I felt so sad to know that this was the dying truth that I had to live in. I, Kim Haesoo was dying of a Cancer and couldn’t see their best friend perform for the last time. It hurts.

Remember when we were kids and we promised each other that we would thrive in the music industry together, sell our own music and work with famous musicians? We promised each other that after we broke multiple records and won the Daesang award, we would get married and have a small but happy family of our own. I was so happy back then and was a cheeky little monkey.

I just wanted you to remember Jimin, that because I have cancer and will no longer be with you anymore, there is no such thing as giving up on life. I don’t want to see you up in Heaven with me because I will know that you didn’t try and live your life to the fullest like I didn’t do. Make everything count Jimin. Don’t die on me and just to remember that I will watch you from up above. I will help guide you to the correct path and lead you to happiness. I want to guide you to do everything I didn’t do.

Do it for me Jimin.

Before I end this long letter, I want to be able to see you again. See your beautiful face and the way that it makes me smile when I get just a small glance. I don’t want to let go of the pen and drop it onto the table because I still have more to say. I want to be the with you forever even in the afterlife. Make me proud Jimin, and go run towards your dreams without me. Just because it is your birthday today, know that your friend died with the smile and cheered along with you as you performed on the stage. Know that she smiled at every concert she went to, cherished every hug she hugged you, and cried every tear she gave you. Just know that your best friend has always been your Juliet and you have been her Romeo. She will always be there for you even if she can no longer see you.

I Love You Jimin and Happy 22nd Birthday.

I closed the piece of paper that had drops of tears seep into the ink, as I wiped away the tears from my burning cheeks. That was the last letter that she had written, with her own small hands, her own handwriting. That was the last thing she had written before she died that day. After reading the letter, my heart had broken down and everything felt still.

She had loved me since we were children and cherished every birthday I had with her. She was the link to my future and it turns out that it ended this way.

I looked up at saw the still structure that had stayed in the same spot after I read the letter. I didn’t want her to see that her best friend was crying because he has missed her. I didn’t want to die just yet. I want to make her dream come true.

I stood up from the dried dirt, feeling the sudden struck of wind hit my body as I straightened my body and dried the tears away, making my way to the exit. Before I could leave, I turned around and gave a weak smile at her gravestone.

“I’ll come back again, my love.”

I turned around to go towards the exit and walked a few steps before a faint reply sounded in an echo.

“I will wait for you.”