This Hope is Treacherous
@jilymicrofics | July Prompt #17 Subtle | 552 words
(A college au / friends but kinda more fic)
(Read on A03, will be making this a multi-chapter work)
All the books in the Libary canāt help Lily Evans. She canāt even ask her friends and she definitely canāt ask his friends.Ā
She tries to imagine telling her friends.Ā She can see herself looking squarely at Marlene and Dorcas. Taking a deep breath. Opening her mouth and going to speak. And then, nothing.Ā
Lily has no idea what she would even say. She could pretend to randomly bring up the increased eye contact and āaccidentalā touches, but even she laughs at the prospect. She can hear Marleneās cackle and Dorcasās comment on āVictorian courting.āĀ
If Lily told her friends about James, theyād ask her for details. Theyād expect a declaration of love, complete with a boombox and flowers.Ā
She supposes confessing your feelings for the same guy you spent hours complaining about will always be embarrassing. Her righteous rants about James hogging the study rooms would suddenly seem more obsessive than furious. But, she stands by her ten-minute speeches and carefully worded texts aimed to destroy. James Potter was arrogant and pretentious.
Okay. James Potter is still arrogant and pretentious. But now Lily knows heās also loyal, kind, smart, and funny.Ā
(She also knows what he looks like shirtless after practice, but likes to think that didnāt have any effect.)
Regardless, sheās used to telling Marlene and Dorcas everything. But she canāt seem to stomach acknowledging her unspoken, unacted thing with James.Ā
A sharp noise pierces her thoughts, and Lily realizes sheās snapped her pen while fidgeting.Ā
Sheāll never be able to run through the door and tell Marlene and Dorcas about their first date or first kiss or first time. Because thatās all it is, a thing. Itās too small, too subtle to have a name. Itās timid smiles and touches and literally nothing else.Ā
Itās going over last night again and again to find an answer and becoming more undone with uncertainty each time.Ā
She can still feel the concrete on her back and Jamesās pinky touching her palm. They had just finished studying together (a recent addition to her schedule). At first, they just sat, cross-legged. Stories seemed to pour out of them, clearly queued up from hours of pouring over books and notes.Ā
āI used to point that one out all the time,ā James whispered. A moment passed until he added, āItās Siruisās star,ā as he looked at the sidewalk.Ā
Most of the time, James oozed confidence. But sometimes, his smirk would falter and his eyes would dart between her and the ground.
Lily just nodded and hummed like she normally did, scared to spook James out of talking to her.
āI just wanted him to know that his last name wasnāt the only thing that defined him. You know? Like the star was Sirius before the first Black was ever born and will still be Sirius after the last Black dies.ā James sighed loudly, shifting to lie down.Ā
And fuck, wasnāt that the most James Potter statement ever? So, yes, she lost some restraint last night because there was no way anyone could hear James speak so softly and painfully about someone he loved and not reach out to hold his hand.Ā
But now itās today, and she has to grapple with the clear knowledge that holding James Potterās hand once will never, ever be enough.Ā
