when you know your friend is denying something about themselves so harshly that it's eating them alive, and you can see it breaking them down bit by bit. they push people away, they push you away, because they can't accept it. you're scared. you're so scared you're going to lose your friend to their own denial. you beg them, please, please be honest with me, be honest with yourself. please be yourself. they look at you like you're imagining it. you're not. you know you're not. you can't be imagining those jokes that feel more like shields than humor, those complaints and insults that have an aftertaste of envy, of regret, of wanting they can't admit to. they're only hurting themselves by going on like this. they're hurting. you can't take it anymore. you hold them down and rip into their chest, clawing, trying to tear their secret out. you need to see it. you need them to see it, to know what they really are so they can come to terms with it. you rationalize it well, knowing that even though you're being invasive, being forceful, you're doing it to help them. i'm just doing this to help you. because i love you. why are you crying. please don't be scared. i love you.
