#jessieca

After my graduation, maybe unlike my CS batchmates, I started taking in charge of my baby brother. I accompany him to school and there I wait for him until his class is dismissed. After that, we go back home. That's how my morning goes by while I'm not yet workin. I already have a job btw.

Last Monday (yeah because I supposed to blog this one last Monday night but procrastination striked idk why), I decided to go to McDo and eat breakfast (though I already had one before we left home) because I still have few hours to wait for him. There were only a few customers because it was just 8:30 AM when I went there. Wearing a shirt and a jogging pants (no drama coz that was just an ordinary day lol), I ate my meal and read some news on the broadsheet.

I realized that it's been a long time since I'd read, and even touched, a broadsheet. Ahhh! I miss the smell of it. I also remembered how excited I was in reading newspapers when I was a child. Btw, I still like to read newspapers but our household are so busy that we have no time to buy one.

Meanwhile, I was delighted because my hot coffee was served with the brown corrugated paper. You couldn't blame me to feel that way because during my college days, especially the senior year, my drink was always served without the brown paper and I still had to ask for tissue paper for me to hold the cup without pain.

Anyway, the ambience of the place that time made me reflect on some things. I thought that accompanying my brother to school is a good bonding moment for us while I'm not yet starting my job. Even though he is so restless, I realized that I should spend my time with him while I'm not yet busy; when I do, I might probably depart and arrive home while he's sleeping. Aside from that, I also pondered on how my life would go as I enter the corporate world, but I won't be elaborate this further.

Honestly, I sometimes envy other girls because of their hair, gadgets, fashion statement, personality, and whatsoever... name it! In fact, there were some points in my life wherein I spent on something which is not really a necessity during that moment, just to satisfy myself.

However, the feeling of achieving those things is not totally self-fulfilling. I mean yes I may have them all but primarily because of envy. I don’t say that you cannot have those things. But defining myself based on what others prefer is a bit too much.

So okayyy. Our finals will start this Tuesday. It’s a good thing that our profs didn’t set a makeup class or whatsoever for tomorrow. I can have more time to study the crucial subjects... even though those are scheduled on Wednesday.

I want to study at home because it’s home. I won’t spend for food and transportation cos I’ll just go to the kitchen and eat. I can just sit or stand or lie down comfortably while studying.

But here’s the twist. I’m hesitating whether I’m gonna study at home or travel to the school library just to review the subjects. It’s because the library makes me more focused, unlike when I’m at home there are so many distractions. Yes, I’ll be more productive at the library. But I’ll be spending around 200 pesos, food and transpo already included. But I need to save money for.... something.

So...... Home be like: No expenses but yes distractions Lib be like: Yes expenses but no distractions

Mind says Home. Heart says Lib. Gonna follow my heart... cos I really need to pass those subjects. HAHAHA goodbye 200. </3

After more or less a year, finally, I’ve completed our thesis.

I thought the struggle is over but... I think another challenge will come one of these days. I can feel it. Btw, I’m worried not because of my thesis. It’s another thing.

Hours before I post this, I suddenly felt nervous. Maybe because I was so lax during that time. Anyway, I don’t know why did I feel nervous a while ago. But now, I’ve realized that I have done something uhmmmm... terrible? :(((

I don’t know what to do now. I thought I’ll be having a peaceful sleep tonight cos we’ve already completed our thesis. But wait, this anxiety would make me stay awake for the entire night. :( No, I’m not rushing something atm. I’m just worried.

Grabe. Ang hirap ng buhaaay. Acad-related or not, ang daming bayarin. :(( Di ko na alam kung pano ko babayaran ang mga dapat bayaran. Napilitan na din akong galawin yung savings ko para lang mabayaran yung ibang mga bagay. </3 Yes, I can lend money naman to my friends, pero nakakahiya naman din na umutang nang umutang kahit friends ko sila.

As much as possible, ayoko nang humingi sa parents ko kasi ayokong madagdagan pa yung mga gastusin nila. If ever kasi na humingi ako sa kanila at binigay nila, most likely inutang lang nila yun... and that breaks my heart.

From childhood up until fourth-year high school, I've been so insistent that I'll be taking up Computer Science when I go to college. Yes, during my childhood, I was already saying "I want Computer Science!" over and over even though I didn't know yet everything about that. As far as I remember, I want CS because I want to be a web developer and it sounds awesome when people utter the words "Computer Science." HAHAHAH oh yeaaah! Fortunately, I entered college with my dream program/course.

Computer Science is fun in spite of its technicalities particularly the core subjects like Automata Theory and Data Structures. Even though CS is almost killing me, I never gave up Computer Science. In fact, giving up that course did not ever cross my mind.

However, during my internship, I contemplated whether I made the right decision. I asked myself what if I took Information Technology? Hahah CS and IT seems similar because it revolves around the IT industry and involves computers. But let me remind you that there are some distinct characteristics that make CS and IT different. Anyway, I pondered about it not just because almost all of my colleagues studied IT, but because somehow I felt that I can do more if I took IT. But hey, I still love CS.

And now, I am supposed to edit my CV so that I could pass it to the companies present at our college's job fair when I realized that I don't know what should I write in it. I don't know where should I be. I still want to be a web developer which is I think more inclined to IT, but at the same time I love CS. I loved CS more because of programming. But I start liking IT because of web development and software quality assurance testing (thanks to the my internship hahah).

So to make the story short, I'm having a dilemma right now on what career to take. I should have already decided because I still need to edit my CV, but I'm having a hard time to do so. I should decide now because I need to grab the opportunity while the job fair for this week is not yet over, but I don't know what to choose. I want to be in those fields but I think I should choose the best.

Lately, ang dali kong mawala sa focus. Yung may dapat akong gawin tapos bigla na lang akong matetempt sa ibang bagay. Yes, may time naman na nawawala ako sa focus. Pero iba ngayon eh. As in grabe, halos araw-araw na lang akong nadidistract... to the point na nagka-cram na ko pati sa mga bagay na di naman acad-related.

It's like my heart and mind say "do it now". But by body says "oh c'mon you need a rest for you to gain strength." Worst, my mind would eventually agree to the body.

HAHAHAHA. Pero sana nagets n'yo. Haaaays.

Andami kong kailangang asikasuhin. Thesis, compiler, acads (I mean the 4y2s subjects), org duties, etc. Yes, I set my goals. Pero bakit ganun? Ang dali kong mapagod [physically]. Ang dali kong madistract. :(((