#jelloshots

Portrait Of An American Family:

2 pkg shoplifted jello, red or purple

2 cups water

1 cup pineapple vodka from the bottle dad keeps in the garage

Microwave one cup of water in a yellow Tupperware bowl for 2 minutes. Burn hands taking it out. Dump jello powder in. Stir until dissolved. Pour vodka in. Get a huge hit of alcohol vapor in the face. Put lid on container and put a piece of masking tape on it that says "Brussels sprouts." Refrigerate in the crisper under the celery until 2am. Add remaining cup of water to the vodka bottle and put it back. Enjoy lumpy sludge from permanently-stained bowl in the dark while playing air guitar along with your Walkman.

Smells Like Children:

1 pkg lime jello

1 pkg unflavored gelatin

1 cup hot tap water

1/4 cup Rebel Yell whiskey

1/4 cup cherry brandy

1/2 cup beer

Don't bother heating the water. It's probably hot enough. Add jello and gelatin. Stir. Realize it's not hot enough, but refuse to heat it up. Let it sit on the counter while you collect the other ingredients. Stir some more. Add alcohol. Keep stirring. Note that it's now a disgusting greenish brown and smells like a public men's room. Put the bowl in the refrigerator with no lid. Go out with friends and vandalize things. Come home drunk. Wake up with empty bowl beside you in bed.

Antichrist Superstar:

1 pkg cherry jello

1 pkg grape Flavor Aid

1 bottle (750ml) Taaka vodka

Open bottle. Carefully add jello and drink powder. Cover mouth of bottle with thumb. Shake vigorously until mixture turns black. Chug half. Pour remaining half on self. Throw bottle into the crowd.

Mechanical Animals:

1 pkg orange jello

1 pkg peach jello

1 cup water

1 and 1/4 cup Everclear, divided

1 can Mandarin oranges

Whipped cream

Plastic wine glasses

Run water through hotel coffee maker. Add jello to carafe. Stir until dissolved. Let mixture cool to room-temperature. Meanwhile, drain orange segments and pat dry on a white bathroom towel. Give zero fucks about the orange stains. Put oranges in a paper coffee cup and pour 1/4 cup Everclear over. Jerk off while they steep. Add remaining liquor to carafe and stir. Divide infused orange segments between glasses. Pour jello mix over the top. Place in hotel refrigerator until after the show. Enjoy jello and very impressed groupies with whipped cream.

Holy Wood (In The Shadow Of The Valley Of Death):

1 pkg instant chocolate pudding

1 cup chocolate liquor

1 cup milk

1 pkg unflavored gelatin

1/2 cup water

1/4 cup coffee liquor

Plastic cups

Whisk milk and chocolate liquor until well blended. Add pudding mix and continue whisking until completely dissolved. Pour pudding into cups, leaving ample headroom. Refrigerate at least 30 mins. Sprinkle gelatin over water in heat-safe container. Let stand at least 10 minutes while watching the news. Heat gelatin mixture until melted. Stir to dissolve. Set container in fridge to cool. Read the newspaper. Add coffee liquor to gelatin mixture. Pour over pudding in cups. Refrigerate 2hrs or until high school lets out. Enjoy the juxtaposition of childhood desserts with the bitterness and poison of adulthood.

The Golden Age Of Grotesque:

2 pkg unflavored gelatin

1 cup water

1/4 cup gin

1/2 cup champagne

2 Tbs fresh lemon juice

2 Tbs simple syrup

Individual half-sphere molds

Fresh lemon zest, black edible glitter and sugared violets for garnish

Sprinkle gelatin over water in a bain-marie (or a double boiler if you're poor). Let stand 10 minutes while you pick out your eye shadow. Heat gradually, stirring to dissolve. Allow to cool slightly. Add lemon juice, simple syrup, gin and champagne. Pour into half-sphere molds and refrigerate until firm (about 3 hours or as long as it takes to do your makeup). Carefully unmold. Press the base into black edible glitter and arrange on a serving platter. Top each with lemon zest and a single violet. Enjoy with people who deserve you.

Eat Me, Drink Me:

1 pkg strawberry jello

1 pkg unflavored gelatin

1 cup water

1 cup Kraken black rum

Fresh strawberries

Dipping chocolate, optional

Using a strawberry huller or paring knife, carefully cut the centers from strawberries. Hollow each berry out to mirror the hole in your heart. Save tops. Place each berry in a small paper cup to hold upright. Heat water and add gelatin to dissolve. Allow to cool slightly. Add rum and stir well. Transfer to a container with a spout for ease of pouring. Carefully fill each berry with gelatin mixture, just as your life is filled with failures and disappointments. Replace tops to hide the darkness. Refrigerate until firm, crying as necessary. Dip berries in chocolate if desired. Serve to those who have hurt you so that they can know what it is to find the inevitable black center of every romance.

The High End Of Low:

1 pkg blue raspberry jello

1 pkg watermelon or strawberry jello

1 cup water, divided

1 bottle (750ml) alcohol of choice

Heat 1/2 cup water in each of 2 separate coffee mugs. Wonder why you own coffee mugs when you don't drink coffee. Overthink that as a metaphor for life. Realize the water's getting cold. Add 1 jello pkg to each. Stir slowly, watching the granules try to dissolve. What's that sound? Answer the phone. Insist that you're fine. Go back to staring at the jello mixtures. Absently add one to the other, playing with the colors. Decide to see how the mixture looks on a canvas. Take the bottle with you. Close the door. Stay there for 3 days. Do not enjoy it.

Born Villain:

2 pkg unflavored gelatin

1 cup water

1/2 cup Smirnoff vodka, any flavor

2-3 tsp each magnesium citrate, pickle or sauerkraut juice, Sprite, liquid sweetener, salt water, Tabasco, clam juice, apple or grape juice, clear liquors in various flavors

1 pkg (4 colors: red, blue, yellow, green) liquid food coloring

Small paper cups

Twister spinner

Sprinkle gelatin over water in glass 2-cup measuring cup. Let stand 10 minutes. Microwave 1 minute. Stir to dissolve. Let cool slightly. Meanwhile, add 1 tsp of an assorted liquid to each cup. Arrange randomly on a table. Add vodka to gelatin mixture and stir. Pour into prepared cups. Add a drop of food coloring to each cup, alternating colors. Stir each with a toothpick. Refrigerate 2 hours or until set. Invite people over. Take turns spinning and choosing shots. Wait for someone to vomit or shit their pants. Call it performance art. Enjoy thourally.

The Pale Emperor:

1 pkg unflavored gelatin

1/2 cup water, divided

4 sugar cubes or 4 tsp sugar

1/2 cup Powers Irish whiskey

16 dashes Agnostura bitters

1 tsp orange zest, optional

Sprinkle gelatin over 1/4 cup water. Let stand 10 minutes. Heat remaining water. Add sugar and stir to dissolve. Don't worry if there are some granules left. You're a grown man. Add hot syrup to gelatin mixture. Stir to dissolve gelatin. Add orange zest if desired. Stir in whiskey and bitters. Refrigerate until set. Enjoy alone while taking stock of your life and feeling good about your accomplishments.

Heaven Upside Down:

1 pkg watermelon or strawberry jello

1 pkg blue raspberry jello

1 cup water, divided

2/3 cup decent vodka, divided

6-10 ice cubes

Gold edible glitter