#jcdamc

Some people assume that depression is simply a winter thing, a seasonal thing, or just a mental breakdown that is magically cured with pills. As a disabled brown man that lives with depression as well, I have discovered with time that depression is a spiritual thing. 

Depression is Not a stereotype or an illness as deemed by the patriarchal medical model of disability and health, it is the product of many social factors: isolation, lack of consistent physical affection in an individual’s personal life, self- withdrawal, anger towards self and others, self- deprecating behaviors, and an unsavory amount of guilt (most of which people cannot control), etc. 

Depression is as spiritual as much as it is environmental. It can also become a choice by which many folks hold themselves accountable for their lessons or mistakes. In other words, how some folks deal with their KARMA. 

I’m old enough to know better and young enough to know that I still have more time in our device infested world. I find little to no joy in routine, although I need structure. I find little to no joy in using Zoom for any aspect of my current life, yet I need it to survive and “connect” on a certain level. I find little to no joy in going to the grocery store, where everyone wears a damn mask and where most folks confirm that they are selfish even in the pandemic, but I need food and toiletries. Most of all, I have NO desire to be sucked into anyone else’s energy or feelings anymore. 

The more I have attempted to fit into the imposed cocoon of social norms that I was born into, the more I have shot myself in the foot...

Comparison and harsh capitalism are the real devil indeed. 

The only way to face these things is to face my self every single day, and know that I was put here to do the right thing for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am eternally blessed for my blessings, supportive networks and families. However, as dreadful as routines are for me, I need to find discipline to follow through, to achieve my very personal and sacred life goals, life goals that will lead me to be fully liberated from my love affair with pain and suffering. 

A few lessons that I wanted to humbly and honestly share:

1. I just want to do the right thing for me, I want to live beyond survival, and that does not make me an inspiration. I am more than (self- imposed) labels. 

2. Trust your intuition. Don’t be afraid of healthier boundaries. Sometimes people have to distance themselves from others to not hurt them, and mainly to protect oneself from self- harm (in any form) as well. 

3. Self- affirmations, be it Confidence, Swagger, Beauty, Worth, Compassion and Love need to become unconditional. However, they take some Time. 

4. Spiritual and physical connections go hand in hand when building deep intimate relationships. That’s the sexy connection and COMPANIONSHIP that I want to feel again. 

5. Conventional ideas of marriage are arbitrary and at times oppressive to any gender identity. “Marriage” as it stands today and for about 100 plus years, is a financial/ business agreement or contract to me. Point blank. What’s Love Got to Do with It??!!

6. Private Life matters. Oversharing intimate, sensitive or private details of your life online is a choice, yet it also shows a lack of healthy boundaries and it can harm people’s emotional health. Just because your “friends” do it doesn’t mean you have to do it. Social media giants and peer pressure make me sick to my soul, literally and figuratively. 

7. A phone call means 1000x more to me than a damn “Facetime.” Chatting ain’t the same as conversing... 

8. I’m an old soul with some new school ways, a hopeless romantic that is fully aware that Love is a beautiful (spiritual) struggle, Not a fairytale. 

9. It’s important to know how the enemy works. You must learn from your enemy while you are simultaneously learning about Your SELF. 

10. It’s okay to not be okay. Don’t worry, not everyone will judge you. Be kinder to your journey. 

11. Dreams, god(desses)s, angels and prayers send key messages. Through your resistance and stubbornness, be sure to write them down. 

12. Believe that you ALL DAT! You are loved and protected even in the worst of nightmares, AND are Doable like art!

One step at a time towards Change and Freedom and letting go...

That’s that piece. Peace, Blessings, Love and Healing to y’all.

Last night two young "Christian" men preaching about healing and judgement day on my way home said to me verbatim: "We saw you walking and noticed it's something wrong with your legs. What's wrong with "them"? And what’s your name? 

ME: Hey, how y'all doing? I’m Jay. 

Two young men responded: You know, God will "heal" you, and you'll be "cured." You know Judgement Day coming too, right??! 

ME: Oh. Naw there's nothing wrong with me. I'm disabled and I am just FINE as I am. I don’t need a “cure.” 

Also ME: Yes and I am preparing for Judgment Day...

THEM: Do you Believe in God?

ME: Yes. I'm quite spiritual, not religious, and God loves me just the way I am.

THEM: .... Shared a few born- again stories...

ME (listening) as the bus pulled up: Sorry fellas, but I really gotta catch this bus. Nice talking to y'all. God Bless. 

I held my ground without lashing out, despite the blatant ableism that is still rampant within various churches and from so- called believers. I guess I am coming along. 

Part of my Summer Uncut/ Poetic Justice Series:

Users and Abusers

I’m so pissed that my mind reeks of urine

my teeth stay chewin’ my little bits of hope

ragin’ against the machine

hidin’ behind infected screens

beautiful vixens turnt into material fiends

depression and sleep creating knee-deep psychotic dreams. 

Nobody likes the smell of wet pages anymore

everybody want quick bright lights and glory,

most sheep don’t sweat to be free.

This damn world is for the few that are tall, 

while the short ones gettin all gassed up maskin’ their whole lives for change. 

Users...

I used to like her and her

Abusers... 

I used to like ‘em

Users...

Money hungry hoes

no matter the gender

just bend her

just eye him

play with all of ‘em

he a cute ass sucka

he’ll eventually give in

Motown singin’ 

No town, sayin’ gimme some mo’ 

no pant wearin’ clowns

The city of Angels and Demons

of bloody shoulders.

The city I love so much...

is run by users and abusers

from them bureaucrats, Bushes, 

to dope Trapped boys

enslaved hood hustlers

and baby mamas and daddys that hate they lovers,

yet are in lust with their genitalia.

After the thousandth time,

they STAY ready to fail you...

and you swear you gone fix that cassette tape with your magic pen??!

Lookin’ for real women and men??! Cut the bullshit. Some of y’all stay 

fuckin’ with Felicias and baby Jodies,

and are terrified of making love to Truth and Honesty!!

A post on one of my platforms from over a year ago... #SAMEMOOD #2019DATINGSUCKS #RELATINGSUCKS

1. Do not speak for all folks with disabilities, even if you have a disability yourself. Keep in mind that everybody goes through different/ multiple lived experiences. 

2. As a non- disabled person, parent or guardian, let youth or adults with disabilities you care for SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES. If individuals need help interpreting what they say, due to a speech impediment for example, there are community resources to assist folks. 

3. With #2 in mind, it´s unnecessary and is even hindering to constantly hold a person´s hand or to patronize individuals with disabilities when speaking to or with them. 

4. Folks with disabilities have various types of intelligence. THEY DO THINK FOR THEMSELVES  AND LISTEN (If you actually shut up and pay attention you´d notice.) Whether you have a disability or not, you might learn some things from that particular person. I´ve learned a whole lot of life lessons from this point myself. 

5. If you are a non- disabled person or ally, meaning not currently having or living with ANY disability, be careful not to overgeneralize about folks with disabilities. Doing research, asking individuals within the community and social exposure is the best starting point. Exposure is everything. 

6. People do not “suffer” from a particular disability, they Have and Live with one (or more). 

7. People with disabilities DO suffer from social barriers in an ableist and judgmental society that often makes many feel angry, insults their intelligence and life skills or makes them feel guilty for even existing. 

8. Not every person with a disability is asexual, unaware of love, or of their physical, sexual or emotional needs. Matter fact, many are quite sexual and intuitive beings,, like anybody else or even more so than others. 

9. Don´t stereotype folks with disabilities. They are not all of the same background. Some are more independent and self- aware, some need more or less assistance and guidance, others are social, some are shy or private, some are married, some live alone, some cook, some are professional, some live with family and others have their own families, etc. You gone get smacked with some knowledge regardless. 

It´s all coming together.... praying to have the final manuscript by early July.

This is like a non stop therapy session.... so it´s still some work to do.

I can take a fews days off, Just a few.

This has been a difficult month, but an even harder weekend for me. 

I was shocked a couple nights ago. A long chapter of my life has suddenly ended. It wasn´t the most pleasant way to find out, I just took the honesty for what it was. 

Mutual respect. Blessings AND Lessons at the same time. 

Other people´s happiness and safety do MATTER to me. I would never get in the way of that. Never. I have changed a lot this year. 

If just being me, or just caring and reaching out is harming someone, then I will apologize and walk away. I know I have driven folks away before, and that I´m not in a good space with myself. I will own that right now. But I am not somebody´s else´s problem, I am not always the one in the way. 

I can only control my feelings and thoughts though. 

I didn´t do anything wrong or blatantly disrespectful, honest to God I didn´t. 

I was asked to wrap up a beautiful and unique chapter in my life just because it was me and “I was in the way” of happiness. I didn´t even KNOW I WAS.... The chapter ending, this closure left me with a bitter taste. I will respect this particular wish and keep my word. I still care and have a big heart. 

I´m not mad though. Hurt, yes. I will always cherish the great memories, the appreciation and the learnt experiences in this really important chapter of my life. 

Communication or miscommunication drifts us apart sometimes. 

I will continue to pray for myself and others. Good vibes and wishes to everybody that´s TRULY happy out there. I pray to find strength,patience, acceptance and understanding so I can be happy as well. 

Thank you for everything and for wishing me well. The same and even more blessings for you. 

I need to fight and find God´s spirit within, cuz Lord knows I want to be and feel what happiness and joy is, to SMILE and keep going for ME, for myself. I am loving myself more. PLease somebody, a beautiful sista, a spiritual funny woman gotta see my light. Please Lord!! I AM improving. 

Life is short, and I´m desperate to make mine longer, not shorter. And Lord help me forgive myself, this year I haven´t been my best self. 

Learning about signs ain´t been easy for me, but Ima get it right again some day. Follow my gut...

Let Go, and Let God. Hoping I sleep peacefully tonight, it´s been a while. 

Yes. I am an angry poet of color. 

Yes. I am depressed and NOT ashamed of it.

Yes. I am a good hearted man.

Yes. I own and embrace my disability.

Yes. I am perfectly imperfect. 

Yes. I am working on some of my relationships and my relationship with God.

Yes. I am a giver.

Yes. I am appreciated. 

Yes. I am frustrated. 

Yes. I am physically and emotionally fatigued. 

Yes. I´m in Jay´s league. 

Yes I am proud. And working on myself away from the crowd. 

Yes. I need social and emotional support and stability. 

Yes. I´m more sexually aware than the average non disabled person. 

Yes. For many peers this might be a wear and tear reality.

But…. a note for my dear able bodied and non disabled folks..,

No. I don´t need to justify my anger.

cuz I don´t represent danger.

No. As I walk into your office don´t treat me or my peers like strangers. 

No. I can´t allow others to speak about disability, abuse or pain. 

No. I ain´t gone just stay in my lane.

No. I´m not makin YOU or YOU feel comfortable so your ass can simply explain. 

No y´all, my definition of who matters ain´t gone be last on this list.

No. I ain´t a bonus on your track list. 

No. You say you aiming for justice but you JUST missed us. 

No. I´m not gone explain my depression. 

No. I´m not afraid of loveable expressions.

No. Access is Not just physical or medical attention. 

No, my foot burn but education and warmth ain´t a footnote. 

We all got needs, ain´t nothing special about that.

We all got needs,ain´t nothing expensive about that.

We all human, or you gone correct me on that??

No. I don´t owe the system shit. 

No. Shut yo ass up and listen to our knowledge and chants n shit. 

No. I ain´t playin with the players. 

No. I ain´t got no damn sponsors.

Yes. Just me,myself and I spittin that fire. 

Yes. My community spit on liars. 

Yes. I am terrified, fighting alone, alone, lonely...

Yes. I am advocating for myself, for me.

Yes. I pray y´all do the same, G.