My schedule is very easy-going right now so it's not that kind of stress. It's the extended-period of undertone-worry type. It makes sense that I'd have a fair bit of anxiety right now, but it's hit a lot harder than I expected, so I guess I'm concerned if it will carry into next year. The panic attacks are at a level that I'm worried I will not just "recover" when the current stressors are gone, but instead have a long time post-stress with continuing panic attacks because of the mental toll its taking.

Stressors that should be gone by Jan next year are: homelife, cpd course, finals, personal project I'm working on, and the biggest definitely is my dec surgery. I don't even know if they're going to do it when they see the state of my jaw in pre-op. The special mouth guard/exercises were supposed to have prepared my mandible for the procedure (and they probably would have) but my TMJ untimely flared up the last few months so instead of getting better-adjusted for surgery, it's completely deteriorated right before it needs to be strongest. And my doc wont see the damage until pre-op so I really don't know. My gut feeling is that he is going to go ahead with the plan, and just tell me the complications are more likely. Which is exactly what I'm scared of but I need this thing to be over with so I want it anyway. It's kind of all a vicious cycle really because the TMJ is deeply affected by stress, so being stressed makes me grind really hard and tenses my jaw muscles into a hard grip that I can't release even though it really hurts. That makes me more stressed which just exacerbates the problem. I wear the mouth gaurd more and more to alleviate the pain with putting the barrier under my maxilla, but then my jaw get's "tics" or whatever which strain it with the unnatural movements - so then when I take the guard OFF (which I had put on to HELP), I'm in double the pain for a bit until heat application/etc helps it readjust to normal sensation. For example, the other night was really bad and I could barely get my toothbrush in my mouth. I just couldn't open it. Once I had got it in, it was physically exhausting on my facial muscles to stay in decent position for the activity so I had to 'rest' a lot every few seconds. Literally. And the one meal I ate that day was a very soft veggie wrap, but the slight forward tilt necessary of the mandible to bite into it was just ridiculously uncomfortable to do. (Everything was okay after painkillers/sedatives, heat pack, and stretching so I mean all chilled) - but the FUCK am I going to do post op? The mouth itself will heal, but will the trauma to the TMJ aspect heal???? What if I literally can't get jaw function back after. I'm struggling to get a toothbrush in for a few min, and my joints are expected to heal from my entire jaw being extended wide enough for hands and fucking drills? fml. If I was say 40's, this level would be expected. But for 20's, it's messed up. Because right now it can be super uncomfortable sure but its very manageable. Pack on 20 years and I don't wanna imagine. This isn't like a huuuge deal in my life at this age or anything, but the op is just stressing me the fuck out over it currently because it's not your average impacted-wisdoms removal, so BLEH. spoonie life.

I. will. heal.