Two months. It's been two months since your accident and nothing has gotten easier. If anything it's only gotten harder and just feel selfish for wanting you here so badly. For willing you to wake up and be here. I've never taken for granted our relationship and every day that goes by and that you are still stuck here I just miss you more. I visit each day too, you know? It's become so routine that I almost don't think twice about it. I just come to see you because my day doesn't feel right if I don't. Just that reassurance that you are still here. That you are still holding on. Sometimes I just sit here and talk to you, tell you what is happening in the town. I don't even know if you can hear me, but I wonder if you do. I actually hope that you do sometimes, but it still feels like you listen to me. And by listen I don't just mean you let me talk. I mean that you hear the words and let me talk even if it's just some stupid story.
Things are a mess, Jason.
Somehow I feel like you are the only one I have never let down and since I don't plan for that to start now I need to lay everything out because even if it's confusing to you, it's confusing to me to. If I let things out and vent...well...I know that you would hear me out anyway. We tell each other everything, even the lame things that happen during the day. Somehow your stories are still fascinating even if you are just telling me how you put a band-aid on.
Let's rewind a bit. Back to your accident and I already said the details of that in my first journal so I'm not going to tell you again. Clearly the damage was strong enough to keep you out so long. One day was too long and one hour was too long, but now it's been two months. Through all of this I've had Cherry. I mean she's the only one to understand what you mean to me and why I need you. She needs you too. I'm so afraid to let people get to my heart because when everything breaks I can't take it. Everything I touch crumbles and everyone leaves. Except you. You've never left me and I don't even count this because it was something out of your control.
For a long time after your accident, I spent a lot of time with Cherry. So much I could feel us getting closer and next to you she is my best friend. Except the confusion stepped in when I didn't know what my feelings for her were. Maybe I still don't. I think they still haven't sorted out and that's only part of why I'm so lost, hurt and ashamed all at the same time. When she was with someone else, I didn't try to think about feelings anymore because she was happy and that's all I've ever wanted for her. Happiness. The people close to me deserve to be happy, but somehow I let myself get hurt. When she was upset with DJ, you know I even defended him because I saw how happy she was. They were. I don't even know. No matter what the guy hates me and now I guess he has reason to and now I need to explain the other half. My feelings for Lady. If anyone has protected me and made me feel so happy when I was around them besides you, it's her. And she barely even knew me. She was my girlfriend...I mean I'm assuming she's not anymore after my stupid mistakes. I'm a fucking idiot and ruin everything. I don't know why I said Cherry's name when I was with her and I just want to hit myself repeatedly with a brick wall because maybe then my head will figure itself out and explain to me. Or at least give me some pain to distract myself. I don't even feel like I'm making sense in this journal anymore.
I just feel like I've lost everything and that I have nothing now. I guess I deserve it for hurting someone that I care so much about. I never wanted this. I never wanted to hurt her and now I did...Even when her brother was hitting me I could have...I could have hurt him so badly if I wanted. I was that angry and still am. I won't hurt him,though. Not for my own sake but for Lady and Cherry.
Letting feelings grow makes things hurt, but holding them back hurts and makes for confusion. I don't know what to do because either way I'm getting hurt or hurting others and it feels like I'm grasping at straws to fix things.
I haven't left your room since last night and I'm going to start writing these to you more. I wish I wasn't such and emotional sponge and could just turn it all off and everything would fix itself. I know it won't be that way. You are the only one I know will listen to my words and I really need you so fucking much. Even if you aren't conscious just being here with you feels better because I can't erase the past.
So I'm here being whiny and a mess because I don't know what else to do. It's not really like anyone cares anyway. I doubt I'm even missed in the town. I'm always misunderstood and made out to be the fucking monster when all I've ever wanted to do was give and be there for the people I care about. I guess that's asking for too much. I just lose it all again. I'm just going to cut myself off from anyone who doesn't give a shit to even hear me out. I can't take this anymore and sometimes I just want to leave the town, but I can't and I won't.
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I think I've been slacking on writing this. In all honesty, though...not very much has happened. Either way I still miss he hell out of you. Even if you haven't technically gone anywhere. If they let me, I still try to come by to visit you every day. Sometimes there's just a short time before work, but it's better than nothing. I just keep hopeful that one of those times I walk in will be the last, and that I will come in to see you've woken up. I know it will happen. One of these times it will. I just miss having my best friend around. To talk to, joke around with...anything. It's only been a week, but one week too many.
Why do I always get sappy writing these things to you?
Maybe it just feels like I like having somewhere to just vent. I used to just talk to you. I mean, it's not like I have no where to talk anymore. There's always Cherry. Her company is just really appreciated and she means a lot to me. You mean a lot to me. Pretty much my support that gets me through the end of the day.
I just keep missing you more, and I know that's not helping. The only thing that can help is doing more around the town. I'm just worried for you. Worried I'm not doing enough to help. So if there are offers I'm going to have hard time turning them down knowing they can help you in some way. Please remember I would do anything for you. Seriously anything. Always have and always will.
I'm sitting by your bed now. I just pretend you are sleeping. In a way you are but I will be a bit restless until you really do wake up. It's going to happen and when you do I'll be here helping you back to full health again.
I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. It only makes everything more real. Makes it seem like you will be gone longer. But really I have no idea. No one does. So maybe talking to you this way will be better than not speaking at all. It will make it feel like we still can speak. I know you will wake up. You have to, you must. I'm not leaving any possibility in my mind for you not to and I'm promising to you, to me, to Cherry, to everyone, that I will do everything I can to make sure you come out of this again.
Where to start?
You god damn better remember me when you wake up, that's all I'm saying.
Writing this may be the best and worst idea. I'm sitting at the edge of Cherry's bed while she still sleeps. Neither of us want to be alone right now.
I think we must be connected somehow, even when we don't mean to be. Like it was fate that we found each other for a beautiful broship. CHEESY ALERT. But seriously you know me better than I know myself sometimes and I hope that never changes. I need that. No lie you've kept me optimistic after everything. You're the one encouraging me and that's why I want to do the same for you. Not just now, but always. You've seen my lowest of low and my highest, but no matter what you've always been there. And I promise the same.
On the note of connection, the way Cherry and I found you with such perfect timing. The doctor said it was good that we did. I'll admit to you right now, we went into the bakery just to mess around and move things for a joke. We never expected to see you there that way. A joke quickly became serious when we realized a life was in danger, but better in danger than too late. I don't know what I would have done with myself if you were gone. I just know I would have broken down and it wouldn't have been pretty. I'm sure you won't even remember what happened to you, so I'll tell you what they told us. There was a leak in the bakery water pipes, leaving a decent sized puddle on the floor. You slipped in it, Jase. You fell hard, very hard. It knocked you out and combination the blood loss and contusion were enough to put you in a coma. You are stable, but they haven't been able to tell us how long it will last. The only thing that drove us out of that hospital was knowing that we would do more help for you keeping the energy in the town up than sitting by your beside.
This scares the shit out of me and I won't even lie. I'm pretty sure I'm shaking while I write this. You are going to wake up and read this.
I'm also keeping this journal so you know what is happening. You won't miss anything if I can help it.
The night of the incident we didn't leave the hospital once. Well...maybe to go break something, but basically not. They wouldn't let us in with you which worried me more, but they kept assuring you were stable. I felt hopeless because I wanted to do something. Just anything. I didn't want to leave, or sleep, or even eat. Even if I knew not doing those things wasn't helping. I plan to stay strong for you and Cherry mostly, but for the others worrying about you right now too. Another thing I didn't want to do was party. Those weekly parties for credits. If that meant not letting the power go out on you, then it was better than nothing. It didn't feel right being at a party while you were...are....where you are.
I mostly stayed with Cherry. As close as I am with you I think I'm getting closer to her now as well, not that we didn't already have some connection from before. We've known each other too long to not have that. It sounds silly to say she's the only one that understands me right now, but she pretty much is. She knows how much I care about you and I do care about Cherry too. It's not fun to see her hurting this way and yeah, I want to do what I can to be there for her since right now I feel like she's there for me even if she's not aware of that. Also you should know she punched someone for your sake. It looked like it felt good and she said it did. I kind of want to punch something, but I'm more afraid of that causing more damage than good. I just need something to vent with and maybe this journal is it.
I fear being alone right now. It just doesn't feel right. So I'm just thanking everything for having Cherry. No lie. She's the best company I could ask for right now.
Anyway I'm not sure where I'm going with writing this, but maybe it will help me get out some of this pent up feeling in a good way. I do love you, man. You are the closest person to me and I don't want to lose you. I won't lose you. I can't. I won't. You will wake up. I'm going to do my best to keep up with these or vent someway until you open those eyes again. It's only been one god damn day. I miss you. A lot.
