#jaskierposting

Geralt: I always feel better after a good yell, you know? I ride my bike down the trail by the school, wander into the woods a bit, and scream until everything is okay again.

Ciri: There’s a huge toad in the back yard and I named him Colonel Mustard. He’s ginormous and I’m going to find a way to turn him into Godzilla.

Yennefer: I make sure to use a lot of moisturizer so girls will want to hold my hands.

Jaskier: Me, go to a high school dance alone? Absolutely not. When I’m in high school I’m going to every single dance with at least three dates. I want to be, like, anime-boy popular.

Eskel: Flossing is stupid. The dance, not the stuff you do with your teeth. That’s actually really important.

Lambert: I’ll bet you a new pair of Crocs that I can climb this entire tree.

Triss: No one saw me do it so it’s not my fault.

Vesemir: Have you considered giving up entirely and moving to a shed in Scotland? I have. Sounds nice. 

Stregobor: Dad keeps calling me a rat bastard but I know for a fact that he’s my biological father. I know because everyone in this family has the same flat butt.

Oh gosh I’ve written immortal Jaskier a handful of times. In my longer fic “Thomas the Rhymer” he becomes sorta immortal. I also write him as a vampire and a Fae a lot... but this has me goofy so let’s do it again!!

Jaskier accidentally becomes immortal when he trips and falls into a witch’s cauldron on one of Geralt’s contracts.

The witch doesn’t know how it happened either, she was just making soup!

Our favorite pair of himbos figure it out when Jaskier is stabbed directly in the chest by a bandit and his first instinct is to punch his attacker in the face and yank the dagger out.

Geralt is both terrified and giddy.

1) cause now he can bang the bard and not feel sad about his forthcoming doom

2) shenanigans!

Jaskier becomes Ye Olde Deadpool

They put on an entire show for Yennefer, including Jaskier’s untimely and rather gruesome death at the hands of a wyvern

TA DA THO 

NOT ACTUALLY DEAD

She does not speak to them for several weeks but she IS present at Jaskier’s bridal shower

So. Many. Wolf. Games. Are. Now. Bard. Accessible.

All those weird foods he couldn’t eat before because he was allergic/they weren’t human friendly? SCARFING.

Witch: (smacking Jaskier repeatedly with a broom while he sits in the cauldron) Put that potato down! That’s for the soup!

Jaskier: I’m starving, I’m about to die, and the flavor profile you have going is incredible, leave me alone!