#japhael

raphael fucking hated this.

here he was, lying in bed with nothing but the warmth of his own body, accompanied by silence. even if he wasn’t physically alone, it didn’t change the fact he still felt isolated within his own friend group. they were so obviously close and he was just an onlooker.

ellie and lottie were attached at the hip, lola and micky had always had each other and now that percy was added to the equation, there was even less room for him within their little group. anastacia and saskia were too busy staring into each others eyes and binah was quite happy to sit back and observe, eyes flicking from whatever book she was reading to the group.

and then there was jamie. painfully watching ellie and lottie grow closer while he was brushed to the side like rubber shavings on a desk. he and raphael shared a situation, but there was one major difference that was glaringly obvious to anyone who payed attention.

jamie could actually cope.

he was ok with being alone because he knew he always would be. from the moment he was born, he was practically a third wheel even before he was made aware of lottie’s existence. raphael had no idea what they had between them, but he couldn’t help but want it.

he was drowning in hopelessness, mindlessly scrolling through his instagram page when photos of his friends having the time of their lives in japan surfaced. photos of his friends having the time of their lives without him. their smiles were something he’d not seen when they engaged in conversation with him for ages. 

he started to think he was the problem. maybe if he just left, they’d all be truly happy. and the more he thought about it, the more he believed it.

on the other side of the world, jamie sat on the steps of his dorm at takeshin. the wind that rustled his hair left the unfamiliar feeling of comfort. no one was awake this early in the morning. even if they knew he was up, he doubted anyone would want to join him. it seemed sleep was worth more than his presence.

he reached to fiddle with his wolf pendant, but quickly remembered he’d taken it off. he wasn’t worthy of it anymore, nor was he worthy of being friends with anyone here. he wasn’t keen on attending rosewood hall, but when he got used to it, he realised that he enjoyed it to a degree.

but now he just wanted to leave. he wanted out.

part of him wanted to forget his partizan duties and enjoy his last few years of school, but another part of him wanted to fall into a comatose state and see if people actually cared about him. see if it was worth all the effort he was putting in. see if he was worth all the effort everyone else was putting in.

he thought maybe raphael would join him for a morning jog. but he wasn’t here. jamie knew raphael didn’t feel like he particularly belonged. he noticed the gradual recluse within the group, and he couldn’t blame him. in a cluster of intense and conflicting personalities, there was no place for people like himself and raphael.

he considered taking raphael and running somewhere the gang could never find them. but he also realised that raphael had connections with other people in the school. he didn’t need jamie’s assistance. it’s not like jamie could do anything anyway. as long as he was tied to the royal family of maradova, his loyalty lay with them, not some neglected boy he met in high school.

jamie felt sympathy for raphael, missing out on the shit show that was leviathan and this hamelin formula. he also felt envious. raphael wasn’t being dragged into a problem that was bigger than him. he hadn’t bitten off more than he could chew. he wasn’t drowning in the weight of what seemed like the world. or, at least what was jamie’s world.

lottie brought him hope at first. but the deeper they got into the situation, the more he wished he’d never met her. he reached for his phone, dialling the only person he knew would understand him.

the monotone beeps that rang through his ears until they picked up reminded jamie of his loneliness, but it was soon removed when the beeps abruptly stopped.

‘hello?’

‘hey, raphael.’

‘everything ok?’

jamie debated opening up, but decided he wasn’t worth the effort. raphael probably had better things to do than listen to him talk about his never ending problems.