#janexbang

Just like the rain of a thousand clouds, the gravity pushes me down I'm pummeled to nothing, I have nothing, I am nothing anymore Do you miss me? Do you love me? Do you think of me at all? 

Sometimes I see friendships/relationships deteriorating in front of me. & I don’t even try to stop it. It’s not that I don’t care. Or maybe I don’t, Idk. I don’t want to have to be more likable for the sake of someone else.

Sometimes I’m sad, or really negative. I like drinking. I’m antisocial.

But sometimes, I’m really creative. & I give really good advice. & I’m not always miserable to be around.

The dynamics of interpersonal relationships can be so strange at times.

Why is it that the people I trusted & was close to for years, I no longer have anything in common with & cannot stand for the most part?

Do you ever wonder why people come in & out of your life?

I think that’s kind of what I’m wondering right now. Do people & things ever have a purpose or is it all just random? Guess I’m also wondering other people’s motivation behind what they do? Why does this person who was supposed to be one of my closest friend, rarely check up on me anymore? Now we rarely speak. Why did this person who I never knew before, decide to talk to me? Now we speak more to each other than anyone else.

I need to get out of my head. I can’t remember how to do this? I feel like I’m suffocating inside myself.

Sometimes I wish/long for someone to talk with & open up to. But I think I have people to talk with. I think the problem is still me?

Maybe I don’t know how to open up, maybe I just don’t know what to say. Maybe, I don’t actually have anything to say.

Sometimes I wonder what I actually feel. Am I really sad or just bored? Do I miss that person or how I felt when I was with them?

The literal thought makes me sick to my stomach sometimes.

On a different note...been thinking of sharing my writing on here. Frightening. What if I’m not good?

Sometimes I wonder if I’m strange for not using the majority of social media. I hear people talk about Instagram or Snapchat & I wonder if I’m actually missing out on something. I remember being able to catch up with old friends on FB. & I feel like there is a man entire world out there that I’m not a part of. Tumblr is the only social media I still use. But maybe that’s enough for me.

It’s really not a big deal, I just think about it sometimes. I think not doing on the normal millennial social media/technology things makes me feel a lot older than I am. But I guess that’s okay too.

Anyway. Tomorrow is a big day for me.

I haven’t done one of these text post rants in a really long time.

I’ve been working on my personal writing a lot recently, so that’s cool.