Dead Man (1995)

Dir.Jim Jarmusch

Life truly is cyclical.

Here we are again. This feeling like a weight inside your body.

So many thoughts & feelings, but no release valve to let them all out.

Sometimes I think that I am the problem in my life. Maybe I will never know true happiness, because in some fucked up way I can’t let myself feel something I don’t truly believe I deserve.

Naively I thought for a moment, that I was maybe done being depressed. At least for a while. But in what scenario, do I get a good outcome? In what scenario does someone’s heart not break into a million pieces? In what scenario is that heart not mine?

I cry tears, but only for myself. & what I’m missing out on, for what I’m longing for.

Maybe that makes me a selfish person. But caring is hard. & what better person to care for than oneself.

Do you ever feel yourself changing? I feel myself losing my ability to love & care. It’s just too risky. There’s too many variables.

So my life isn’t over, although I sometimes wish it was. I’m sad, I’m lonely, but I’m here.

Coping mechanisms are an interesting thing. I can only control so much.

Have you ever felt so alone, even those closest to you don't understand why you are the way you are sometimes? Have you ever wondered why you see things differently than others? Click to read my #musings below on why that might be! #amwriting #blogpost

This past Shabbas my rabbi shared about his experiences at a conference, and this sparked a memory of mine, one which might be worth sharing here. To contextualize, said rabbi of mine met with fellow clergy and leaders of like-minded philosophies and practices, and the hot topic which seemed to be on everyone’s lips was this new concept of “existential loneliness.” What is this existential…