#jaimineya

Ashvamedha Parva - Part 2

Then their horse drank water and became a mare and then drank some more water and became a tiger, then Arjun did a Narasimha prayer and restored it.

Then is the women's kingdom...they kidnap men who stray too close so they can have more kids. Apparently if a man lives there for more than a month they die.

Queen Pramila: I'll kill the horse if Arjun doesn’t have sex with me. Arjun: I'll die in a month then. Pramila: cool I'll kill myself too.

Arjun said okay to sex after the yajna, and sent her to Yudhishthira meanwhile. Then he went to a kingdom where everyone is born from trees, but they are born in the morning and die at night. There's one woman who used to be seeta's guard in ashokvan and got scared of hanuman on Arjun's flag. Then Arjun killed everyone.

Arjun then went to Manipur and is very happy that Babhruvahan doesn’t let lower caste people learn Sanskrit.😭 A bird died and dropped on Arjun's head as a death omen but Arjun didn’t listen.

Here Chitrangada an Varga are merged into one story, and apparently she and Arjun both abandoned Babhruvahana, but then he was adopted and raised by Uloopi.

She also hooked him up with the Manipur kingdom. Babhruvahana said sorry for taking the horse and Arjun kicked him in the head and called Chitrangada slurs. Babhru called Arjun a sinner for being a deadbeat dad, and then caught and imprisoned everyone except Vrishaketu and Arjun.

Then he killed Vrishaketu. Arjun started rolling on the ground with his head and crying. Arjun forgot all this astras and Babhruvahana said see, you called my mum a slur so even Krishna's not helping you [valid].

Then Arjun died. Chitrangada yelled at Babhruvahana and Uloopi told him to go to Patal to get Nagmani. Pundarik the nag, Uloopi's friend, bit Arjun and Vrishaketu to keep their bodies fine till they get back.

Dhritarashtra the nag didn’t want to give it but Babhru fought him and Uloopi's dad agreed and then Dhritarashtra stole Arjun's head.

Kunti saw Arjun's death in her dreams, Subhadra's jewellery fell off, and Karna's kavach-kundal that Kunti had put up on an altar also fell down.

Then Krishna went there via Garud and Yashoda, Devaki and Kunti went with him. Krishna completely lost it when he saw Arjun’s corpse, and finally he got up and gave all his punya from the years where he did not have sex and Arjun's head flew into his hand. Then Krishna woke him up by placing the Nagmani on Arjun's chest himself (after they did Vrishaketu). For the rest of the mission, Krishna hung off of him and refused to let him out of his sight.

Now Arjun's going to Ratnapur, whose king is also doing Ashwamedh so... 🐴 🐴

Ratnapuri's horse bit Hastinapur’s horse on the lips. Then they all stood there watching as the horses duked it out. Then Krishna told Arjun that this king is also Vaishnava. The prince is like my dad loves Krishna so I’m going to kidnap him and we're going to keep him as a pet.

Aniruddha, Pradyuma, Vrishaketu and Babhru all lost to this Tamradhhaj, king of Ratnapuri. Then Arjun came to fight, and Tamra pulled his rath into sky with a rope and threw it down. Arjun was freefalling and Krishna magically expanded his chariot like a net to catch him and his chariot. Tamra yeeted Krishna off his chariot with a mace in response. Then Krishna and Arjun are jointly attacked him. Tamra said he'll kill both of then if Krishna didn’t stop fighting and start driving so Krishna did that.

Tamra's father was planning to get Krishna possessed by Vishnu and do a yajna by tying him up for instant punya. I personally think an invitation would’ve been easier, but I am not the author.

He then kicked Krishna in the head and Krishna asked Arjun to stop zoning out and help! Then Tamra grabbed on to Arjun in a bear hug, so Krishna kicked him in the back and sent both of them rolling on the ground and then Tamra picked both of them threw them on the ground.

Tamra though Arjun would be a human shield but Krishna beat him up regardless. So, both of fainted, and Tamra went back with the horse.

Tamra's dad: Krishna chhorke ghoda le aaye? 🤬

Then Krishna took an old-brahmin disguise and Arjun's doing the shishya and they both went to the other yajna.

Krishna told the king, Mayurdhvaj, that his son was eaten by a lion and lion said he'll give back the son if he gets 50% of the king's body. His wife is like I’m your better-half, give me up. But the lion is a misogynist so this won’t work. The king then forced his wife and son to cut him in half. Krishna cursed the king because one drop of tear fell out of his left eye. The king is like see it’s not pain, the left side is just jealous that the right side is going to be used by a brahmin. Then Krishna appeared as Vishnu and held the wife, the king, the son and the machete in four hands and pulled them in for a hug.

Next they went to Veerbrahma's city, who has Yama as his son in law. Apparently his daughter was afraid of dying so she married Yama. Hanuman mushed Krishnarjun and Veerabrahma's chariots together with his tail. Then Veerabrahma hit Krishna (he's a Krishna-stan btw), so Krishna kicked him. Then they all made friends and Yama went back home with his wife.

After this they're going to Chandraharpur where the king Chandrahaas, orphaned as a baby, was abandoned in the forest by traitor ministers, and he ate a lot of shaligrams...so he became a Vaishnav.

[Link to his story]

Krishna, for once, anticipated them having to fight Chandrahas, and so he became Arjun's sarathi in full Vishnu four-handed mode. Chandrahas saw him and gave his wives to him.

Krishna: this is my second-body Arjun, go ahead, hug him.

Chandrahaas wanted to be with Krishna always, so Krishna took him along to fight the other kings.

On the other side, in Champkpuri, Sudhanva's son Vivek was just born and he wanted revenge. So, he has gathered an army of angry infants and is going to march on Arjun.

Apparently, Vivek is the reincarnation a son named Veechak of Indrajit who Ram had to fight and defeat while Seeta was giving her agni-pariksha. Krishna said they can’t defeat the baby, so Arjun wanted to fight the baby. Btw this IS an infant, they aren't even pretending he grew up or anything it’s just a very violent baby.

The babies got their education magically transferred into their brain from their mothers which was sweet. Apparently, he has not taken a bath after being born and has directly come to fight, so his body is invulnerable. He took out Arjun....so Krishna brought Hanuman in to fight. Arjun then came back and fought using Karna's old bow

This entire parva is near-identical to the Jaimineya Ashvamedha Parva, and the clownery continues.

Ashvamedhika Parva

Yudhishthira's abhishek happened, random women danced, Satyaki and Krishna shared a seat, and Kunti presided over the court with the twins. Vidur retired, leaving Sanjay as the next prime minister. Nakul and Sahadev then got roped into being guards for the sabha.

Bheem got Dushhasan's palace, Arjun Durmmasena's, Nakul Chitrasena's, Sahadeva Durmukha's...Yudhishthira told all four of them to go relax in their new houses (this has got to be weird).

Yudhishthira dragged Draupadi to his own palace, she didn’t get her own palace. Krishna and Satyaki stayed with Vidur for a while, and then Krishna and Arjun went on a world-tour honeymoon. In Hastinapur, Krishna started spending the nights at Arjun's place, only going back to Vidur's for the meals.

Then Krishna wanted to go home but he was too shy to tell that to Yudhishthira so he made Arjun say it. Yudhishthira then told Krishna to go to the treasury and take whatever he wants from there as gifts for his parents. As compensation, Arjun got divyadrishti so now he can just look at Krishna 24/7 no matter where they both are.

Vasudev almost cursed Krishna for Abhimanyu, scaring him.

Also Bheeshma died back in Bheeshma parva only so no deathly parva-wide morality lecture! 🎉

All the women of the city now go out of their way to go cry in Yudhishthira's house for all he has done.

for Ashvamedha yajna Yudhishthira has to give up sex and Draupadi finally gets her own bed (not her own room still though).

Then Bheem and Vrishaketu [Karna’s youngest who survived the war] volunteered to go get the horse from Yuvanashva.

Yudhishthira: Pratigya karne se pehle sochna practise karo.

Bheem and Vrishaketu had a sweet moment with Bheem apologising for Karna. He's only 16 now. Meghavarna, Ghatotkach's son, who also survived the war also volunteered. He wants to shadow Arjun for this mission.

Their plan is Bheem and Vrishaketu should distract Yuvanashva with a battle while Meghavarna goes and steals the king's pet horse.

Yudhishthira is back on his my brothers are useless and are definitely trying to trick me by not winning the Yuvanashva war shtick already.

Yudhishthira nearly said bloody Krishna three times in front of a mirror and he appeared behind him. Actually, he appeared outside the door, and is now arguing with the guard

Guard: The king said you have full access just walk in please. Krishna: No, you go ask the king first, but don’t tell him I’m here if he's busy.

Waves of love coursed through Yudhishthira’s body upon hearing of Krishna’s arrival.

Krishna then called Bheem fat and poked his belly, Bheem said Krishna's got the whole universe inside his belly, so how come Bheem is fat but Krishna isn't. Then Krishna turned to Yudhishthira and said why don’t you use your own brain just like you did when you played dyut without asking for my permission back then.

This was followed by random Hidimba slander?

Bheem immediately hit back with so you can marry Jambavati and I can’t marry Hidimba? Krishna then accused Bheem of being controlled by his wives and Bheem reminded him of Satyabhama and Parijat.

I do not know why these two randomly started fighting.

Then Krishna went to Arjun's slept in his bed, 'merged their bodies' all night, gossiped, and then took a bath together before sunrise.

Next there's a horse chapter again. It’s just those three hiding in a bush staring at all the horses by the lake. Then they kidnapped the horse named Krisha and caused a minor earthquake in Amaravati. Indra was worried but calmed down when Meghavarna told him he's his great-grand-nephew.

Bheem, in the middle of the battle, told Meghavarna that if a wife doesn’t listen to her husband the family members should beat her up. 😭

Yuvanashva died but Vrishaketu brough him back to life by the power of Krishna's name. Yuvanashva is now going to Hastinapur with his wife to see Krishna. He also wants to see Rukmini and Jambavati but not the other wives. His wife Prabhavati is into Draupadi so that’s cool.

Bheem to Draupadi: Yudhishthira told you to wear a nice dress cause he's sending a pretty queen, and btw where's Krishna? Draupadi: Arjun's house, where else would he be, go look there I have a queen to receive.

Yuvanashva made such a fuss over Krishna that even Arjun was like brother I'm also here just so you knew.

Yudhishthira told Bheem to invite Yashoda, Devaki and Rohini also...here Krishna’s chief wives are Rukmini, Jambavati, Satyabhama, Yashomati and Lagnajita.

Yudhishthira: please also invite the other wives I've forgotten the names of.

Krishna is eating a heavy lunch, because Devaki has cooked a lot of food. Satyabhama made fun of him for that by calling him a 'bhukkad gwala' and Devaki yelled at her. Bheem reached in the middle and also got a meal...that was the point of mentioning that I guess...apart from the casteism.

Then everyone got to go Hastinapur except for Vasudev and Balram because it’s their turn to guard the city. 😭 Krishna invited everyone he saw on the street, across kingdoms, to come to Yudhishthira’s yajna.

Everyone likes the horse. Bheem is vindicated.

Then Shalva's brother Anushalva kidnapped the horse, so Krishna-Arjun and everyone else went to fight him.

Krishna: whoever volunteers for this mission will get One (1) paan from my hand.

So, they all formed a line now.

Krishna, if he liked them, also gave them One (1) kiss on the forehead.

Anushalva: Pradyumna, you are Kama, please go where people are having sex.

Pradyumna fainted in front of Krishna and Krishna started scolding him in public, “Why did you take paan from me then...get lost and don't show me your face again, you're not my son anymore and I hope some rishi curses you into ashes again.”

Bheem tried to intervene and then Krishna is like okay I forgive him, for now. Then Krishna fainted and Daruk had to run away with him to Yudhishthira [now who's the tough guy huh]. Satyabhama called Krishna a coward and sent him back.

Surya sent a chariot for Vrishaketu, and he finally managed to catch and tie up Anunshalva and then took him to Krishna. Anushalva said sorry and Yudhishthira is like from now you're my brother as well.

Then they all went to Kailash and, with permission, robbed Shiva.

The horse was then set free to roam for the year. Pradyumna, Vrishaketu, Meghavarna, Anushalva, Yuvanashva everyone basically went with Arjun. Krishna told Pradyumna to see Arjun like Yudhishthira sees Krishna, and then made Arjun wear anklets. Satyabhama made Arjun touch her feet. Yudhishthira told Arjun not to kill the sons of any king killed in Kurukshetra. Arjun made Krishna promise to wait for him in Hastinapur, and Yuvanashva's wife promised to always keep Draupadi hydrated, whatever it takes.

Then Maheshwari’s Prabira Sauti was 16 with an 8-yo wife named Ratnavati, but he catches the horse because his mistress Madanamanjari said he couldn’t, then he cut of Arjun's flag and got killed. Then his father Neeladhvaj, came to fight.

We find out Agni is married to Neeldhvaj's daughter and so Arjun has to pray to him first. Agni decided Khandava was a bigger favour than marriage so he told Neeladhvaj to give up.

The king also yelled at his wife Jana for sending him to fight "Krishna's second body".

Now while Jana crossed Ganga, the water touched her feet and she's cursed out the ground for letting that happen. apparently touching Ganga water with your feet gives you paap but bathing in it gives you punya.  Are they dunking people upside down like Oreos? Jana then called Ganga a sinner for drowning her kids, and so Ganga cursed Arjun that 8 months later his son is going to decapitate him. Jana then jumped into fire and a special arrow came out of the pyre, that Vyasa collected and delivered to Babhruvahan without telling him why.

Then they found Uddalaka who told them they should've given all their sins to Krishna, and instead they are running around behind this horse and Arjun said he likes Krishna too much to do that to him.

There was one Brahmin girl called Chandi, she was forcibly married another brahmin and when her father told her to listen to her husband and no one else, she got mad and vowed to do the exact opposite of whatever her husband told her to do...if he told her to take a bath, she stopped bathing, when he told her to cook, she broke all the utensils etc. Another rishi told the brahmin to tell her to do the opposite of what he wanted her to do, but then one day he forgot this and told Chandi to put something in the river and she threw it on the ground to the brahmin cursed her to become a stone until Arjun touches her.

Then Champaknagar's Hamsadhhaj planned to kidnap both Arjun and the horse so that Krishna would come to see him. Sudandhva, Hamsadhhaj’s son, got thrown into boiling oil and Krishna saved him by cooling down the oil, but the priests are really mad cause they think this is black magic. Then the priests got inside the vat but by touching Sudhanva so by transient property they also did not burn and are now Vaishnava. Ooh they are just collecting kings now...Neeladhvaj is also in their crew now.

Arjun's just standing outside waiting for them to resolve this family drama.

Sudhanva hit Arjun really bad and gave him a choice: either Krishna appears or he kills him. Arjun refused and started driving and fighting at the same time. Then Krishna appeared and got on the chariot and Arjun didn't even notice, just started barking instructions at him like in Kurukshetra. Arjun made a vow that if he can’t kill Sudhanva in 3 arrows then his family members should go to hell. Krishna sighed...not again.

Then Krishna poured his entire life's punya into Arjun's arrow to help him kill the dude, but Sudhanva used his own punya and cut that arrow. Then Krishna gave up his punya from Parashuram's life into the next arrow and again same thing. Last arrow had Rama's punya. Sudhanva cut this arrow also in half, but the tail end of the arrow still went and hit him in the heart.

Then his head also got cut but the head is alive, and so Krishna picked up the head and threw it in his father's face. Then the father threw the head back at Krishna, and then Krishna threw it into outer space where Shiva collected it for his own garland.

Now Sudhanva's brother Surath came to fight and Krishna's whispering into Arjun's ear that they are both punya-less now so it’s better to run away. They hid at the very back of the army but Surath found them out and shot an arrow that pierced through Krishna and hit Arjun.

Okay Arjun managed to kill him, but his head got yeeted at Arjun's tummy so fast that Arjun fell off his rath and fainted and then the head fell on Krishna's feet. Now Arjun got picked up by Krishna and they worshipped the head. Garuda then took the head to Prayag and dropped it in the water while fighting Nandi, Bhringi and Vrisha, but they picked it up from the water and took it back to Shiva.