#jacksmind

I write this just after a trip down memory lane. My very first year at college was at Grand Valley State University, or GVSU for short. It was the first time I was away from home. I failed that first year. I flunked both semester. Had to move back home. Start over again at Community college. But lets not talk about the sad times. Instead, I want to reminisce about the good things.

I stayed in a first floor dorm room. We had a very small window at the tip top of our room, on account of the room being 3/4 into the ground. My dorm mate was named Josh. He was amazing. I got incredibly lucky with how awesome of a roommate I got. We would talk a lot. We would hang out and play video games or watch Game of Thrones (we binged the entire series). I have many found memories of conversating over nothing with him. We haven't talked since then. I should reach out.

In the first week of school beginning, we got hit with a tornado warning. I vividly remember stumbling into the main area of the dorm building and seeing a bunch of college kids aimlessly standing around. None of us, not even the RAs, knew what to do. We just watched the TV news until we got bored and then went back to our rooms. I guess we didn't care. It was an exciting, and in hindsight foreshadowing, event. It was an intense storm too.

Nearly every night I would walk around campus. Not going anywhere, just walking. There as a little walking path area that I would circle for over and over. I also enjoyed the walking by and admiring the Tower. I still see it in my dreams from time to time. Foreboding, but impressive. Ironically, I did not like walking to class. My dorm and the classrooms were on opposite sides of campus. I hated walking in the cold moorings. I did not like trekking that path for class, but loved it for aimless walking.

This last one isn't too much of a happy memory. Its heavy. One night, while doing my usual late night sandwich intake and scrolling social media, I came across a post that stopped my heart dead. A report of an active shooter at UofM. My home is near there. Most of my high school classmates are there. I cannot describe the fear that gripped me in that moment. Pure panic. At first, I didn't even move, instead staring at the post and rereading it over and over and over. I dropped my sandwich and left. I practically ran to my dorm room. I turned on police radio, informed Josh, and began doom scrolling. I remember calling my parents at one point as well. Tears. Thankfully, it was not real. Apparently, some kids were popping balloons and screaming. Pop and scream. American school kids have learned that sound well. Some immediately ran upon hearing the sound, which led to a cascade of all the others following suit. People barricaded themselves in. Chairs stacked on doors. Cops were called. But thankfully, it was misinterpretation. Nothing changed while I was in high school, Nothing has changed while I'm in college. But it will eventually.

On a happier note, I discovered a lot of good music then. The highlight was Post Malone. Specially, his new-ish album BeerBongs and Bentleys. I fell in love. That album was my anthem.

Oops. I missed several days. My bad. Lets gloss over that, and instead focus on the topic of the day: Books. More specifically the books I had delivered today. Catcher in the Rye and The Great Gatsby. I did not read much in school, only reading those I was forced to for an assignment. Of those books, these two were the books I recall liking. But that was years ago. So I reordered them to give both another try, see if they still hold up.

I have read the first 60 pages of Catcher in they Rye today and hope to keep pace. It I succeed I will finish the book in a week. So far, its alright. But its just the beginning, it hasn't reached the good stuff yet so I can't give my report on it. Back when reading it in school, most of my classmates didn't like the book. Or Holden. I did and couldn't comprehend why they didn't. It hurt, in a way. I saw myself in Holden. I related to his struggle. Loneliness. If I don't talk like Holden enough already, I have no doubt I'll pick up on his mannerisms on here soon.

The other book I got was The Great Gatsby. I'll read it next. I remember watching the Dicaprio movie in 10th grade American lit. I truly enjoyed the movie. And the book. I didn't talk much in crowds, but that book brought it out of me. Made me want to discuss it. I don't recall what exactly I said. I am hoping to bring that back by rereading the classic.

Now, there is a common theme here, right? In these two books. A lonely guy looking for comfort. Maybe that's why awkward teen me liked them so much. It's partly what inspired me to buy them. I got the itch one random morning a few days ago and did what every young person does nowadays: looked it up on Tik Tok.

The Great Gatsby was mostly just fan cams of the movie and some dissuasion of classic American literature. More boring. The Catcher int he Rye, however, had controversy. That was some fun scrolling. There are two main sides to it: the side thinking the book is about a lonely teen guy going through an mental health crisis and the side that thinks Holden is some sort of incel/male manipulator type. The normal guy side made and makes a lot more sense to me. Considering the general plot and time it was written, those arguments make more sense to me. At the same time, that's not a fair comparison, as the incel guy side doesn't make arguments. They just say its bad then move on. No real deference or care. Idk. That's just what my Tik Tok search showed me. Maybe it knows me to well. But I read comments and there wasn't much there. It did clearly give me a bias though. We'll see if it holds upon reading.

Heres the entire book being read on Spotify: Catcher in the Rye

What to right about today? Did I mention my internship yet? Its at a car part making company. My dad is the VP. From his mouth, "we like family members to join." I'm not the first nepo baby in their and I won't be the last. Considering how high up my dad is though, I think it would be fair to consider me a bit deferent. But, at the same time, the position does not elude to that at all. Its a summer internship. It ends when school begins at the end of the month. There are no special perks or benefits. I'm not getting special treatment or extra pay. My father is a very rigid type A, so it would surprise me of that were any different. He's all about that work grindset. I'm sure I'll complain about the problems that causes at some point, but for now its working out.

I am learning new skills in excel. That's a marketable skill. Looks good on the resume. That might not matter though, as I may become a real nepo baby in the winter. Once I graduate, I will need a real job. Thankfully, thee is a position open in the company. I could take it. Not having to do a job search sounds like heaven. From all I hear, the job market is absolute hell right now. I'll be glad to bypass it. To immediately have a secure, stable source of income. Maybe I'll even be able to get my own apartment. Now that sounds like heaven. I have never had my own place, but I desperately want one. Hopefully soon!

Yesterday, I tagged a Three Days Grace song as the song of the day. Funny enough, though, is that I hadn't listened to TDG in a few years. In fact, I haven't really jammed with rock much at all in through college. I fell hard into the indie scene, constantly discovering new songs to obsess over. Interestingly, my pop punk love never left me. I still listen to All Time Low and Sum 41 just as much now as I did back in grade school. Bu not rock.

I find it weird that rock didn't follow. In particular, Breaking Benjamin. Through both middle and high school I hyper fixated on Breaking Benjamin. There were entire weeks were they were the only band I listened to. Playing the same songs over and over and over and over again. I can still sing them in my sleep to this day. I guess my fixation died down in college. I branched out. And somehow completely stopped listening to rock. Even Breaking Benjamin sat collecting dust in my music library.

But yesterday, I relistened. I remembered. I didn't sleep much last night because I was too busy singing my heart out to all the memories. It felt soooooo good. Dopamine rush. I might start tagging more rock songs now. I'm in the mood.

Today, I will tag the song that started it all. The first BB song I ever heard:

Today I have a fun idea to write about! Well, maybe fun isn't the right word. Instead, lets call it Interesting. Or Validating, perhaps. It began one morning, I received a text from my cousin. It should be noted that her and I are the same age, in the same grade, and went to the same school. As, we had the same classmates. The text she sent was a link to a news story about an old high school classmate being arrested for painting swastikas on a synagogue. According to the article, he was a part of a interstate white supremist group called "the base." The whole group has a group text that the cops got access too. He straight up admitted to the crime in the text, and thus got arrested. Imagine that. Arrested over a text. Incredible.

Reading that it was this particular classmate came as no surprise. Seeing his name attached to this felt natural. But also validating. Back in high school, I didn't like him. But I also never got to know him. I didn't want to get to know him, though. He gave off really bad vibes. Creepy vibes, even. Like, if he were to bring a gun to school, I wouldn't have been surprised. But because I never got to know him, I technically never had a valid reason to not like him. Or to suspect him of foul behavior. It was all just intuition. This nazi story proves I was right!

I mean, the hate crime and the text messages come from 2019. We graduated school in 2018. Although possible, I doubt he was indoctrinated that quickly. My intuition has never been so on the mark. So utterly correct. It feels so good. Its awful what happened. Its awful what he believes. But man does it fill me with joy to be proven so right. Its like that meme, being given a valid reason to hate someone you've always disliked.

My last journal entry was ranty. I was stressed. And Anxious. I gave myself some time to relax. I'm better now. To keep myself relaxed, I want to focus on something happy for this entry. How about school. And by that I mean the fact that I am almost done with school. So close. I have one more semester to go. I start on the 28 and will go until mid-December. And then I will graduate. A bachelors in Sociology. With no plan on going back. School is all I've known but I am ready to be done. I have worked really hard to get to this point. I deserve a little self love for that. On top of that, this last semester will only be 2 classes. So an easy ending. All the difficulty is behind me. Cheers.

Hello. Lets pretend I am not posting this a day late. Lets pretend I haven't broken any promises. Today (yesterday) I went to my parents friends pool. I was there for a few hours and had a lot of fun. Just floating there, doing nothing. Feels really good after the stress of exam week last week. While there, I forgot about all my worries. I forgot about the outside world. And then I left. On the way home, it all came back. My anxiety disorder set back in. Over the summer, Canada above has been nonstop on fire. The smoke has grown to a continent wide issue. Especially where I live, near the Great Lakes. I don't know if the water makes it worse or not, but the bad air has been a consistent issue all summer. I even had a full blown anxiety attack one day after going for a simple walk. The smoke and bad air has become a trigger. I have the airnow.gov as a permanent tab on my phone. I checking it multiple times a day as if it'll magically change. I am obsessive. I can barely go out side.

And that's the worst part. I can barely go outside. Outside was, prior to the smoke, a happy place for me. I would go on walks to clear my head. I would drive somewhere to get away from home for a bit. I would swing for hours. Now the mere thought of being out there in the bad air fills with anxiety. The thought of going outside fills me with anxiety. I hate it. I hate it so much. One of the few things that consistently brought me joy is now ruined. But that pool. I was outside the air was yellow, but I didn't even notice until I checked my phone.

Btw, when I say bad air I mean that its most often yellow. As in "If you are unusually sensitive to particle pollution, consider reducing your activity level or shorten the amount of time you are active outdoors." Unusually sensitive. Reduce activity. Not avoid outside at all times, just reduce activity. For sensitive groups. I have never known to be sensitive to the air. So why does my anxiety tell me I am? Why do I avoid the fresh air like a plague? The consequences of a mental disorder, I suppose. Its called irrational for a reason. I shouldn't let it control. I know that prior to learning about this airnow.gov site, I was oblivious to air quality. Rarely, fi ever, did I consider it.

In my 23 years of life, I have no doubt that the air has hit yellow before. I never noticed. I never felt anything. But now, just stepping outside for a minute and I react. My lungs go tense, my breathing slows. Its not a reaction the air. Its purely anxiety. I know that. My brain knows that. But I can't stop it. I can't control it. I hate it. I hate it. I fucking hate it.

On a brighter note, I thought of a cleaner way to add songs. Links on top of the text. It just looks so much prettier then giant Youtube videos.

First off, yeah I know I'm a little late. I was busy playing video games. Sue me. Secondly, what should I talk about today? How about working out. I'm typing this while my arms feel like noodles cause I worked out for the first time in 2 or 3 weeks. I began a month and a half ago with my brother, but then stopped when school (yes I take summer classes) became really stressful. I am happy to report as of today I am picking it back up. I have mad social anxiety, so going to a gym is out of the question. Instead, I'm using my semi-gym obsessed brother who has a work out kit in his garage. I am doing the "beginners" workout. 3 sets of barbell squats, 3 lifts of bench press, and 1-3 sets of deadlift depending on my remaining strength.

I have been super duper skinny my entire life. Or at least since puberty. I even got diagnosed anorexic at one point. I never worked out. Rarely ate healthy. Felt and acted like shit. Now, at 23 years of age, I am finally putting an end to that. That's not to day I haven't been making progress over the past few years. Its just that most of my progress has been mental health focused, with physical health a secondary (but still improving!) focus. I'm sure I'll talk about all that another time. But to stay on topic, it feels weird working out. I didn't quite know what to expect, and I cannot say for certain if what I'm feeling is it. But I am happy that I am making a step in the right direction. I am working on myself.

I know I shouldn't get this deep and personal on the second day, but I have awful self doubt. And awful body dysmorphia. And a fear that I am wasting my youth. Living to passively, life on autopilot. That's part of the reason I began this journal. To keep myself in check. To do things I will be happy to journal about. This fall, starting August 25, I will begin my very last semester of college. I have been missing the experience. I have been denying myself the experience. No more. I have improved my mental health. I will improve my physical health. I will be social. I will try new things. I will live, not just be.

I did some searching, and it seems tumblr to Spotify links are 404ing for a lot of people. This just started recently, too. Unfortunate. I didn't like the idea of linking a Youtube video. It just feels so clinky and large. Instead, I will just list the song. (edit: and add the link on top of it)