#iwilllive

First off, yeah I know I'm a little late. I was busy playing video games. Sue me. Secondly, what should I talk about today? How about working out. I'm typing this while my arms feel like noodles cause I worked out for the first time in 2 or 3 weeks. I began a month and a half ago with my brother, but then stopped when school (yes I take summer classes) became really stressful. I am happy to report as of today I am picking it back up. I have mad social anxiety, so going to a gym is out of the question. Instead, I'm using my semi-gym obsessed brother who has a work out kit in his garage. I am doing the "beginners" workout. 3 sets of barbell squats, 3 lifts of bench press, and 1-3 sets of deadlift depending on my remaining strength.

I have been super duper skinny my entire life. Or at least since puberty. I even got diagnosed anorexic at one point. I never worked out. Rarely ate healthy. Felt and acted like shit. Now, at 23 years of age, I am finally putting an end to that. That's not to day I haven't been making progress over the past few years. Its just that most of my progress has been mental health focused, with physical health a secondary (but still improving!) focus. I'm sure I'll talk about all that another time. But to stay on topic, it feels weird working out. I didn't quite know what to expect, and I cannot say for certain if what I'm feeling is it. But I am happy that I am making a step in the right direction. I am working on myself.

I know I shouldn't get this deep and personal on the second day, but I have awful self doubt. And awful body dysmorphia. And a fear that I am wasting my youth. Living to passively, life on autopilot. That's part of the reason I began this journal. To keep myself in check. To do things I will be happy to journal about. This fall, starting August 25, I will begin my very last semester of college. I have been missing the experience. I have been denying myself the experience. No more. I have improved my mental health. I will improve my physical health. I will be social. I will try new things. I will live, not just be.

I did some searching, and it seems tumblr to Spotify links are 404ing for a lot of people. This just started recently, too. Unfortunate. I didn't like the idea of linking a Youtube video. It just feels so clinky and large. Instead, I will just list the song. (edit: and add the link on top of it)