#jack howell

The next couple of weeks are hectic. Every new school year comes with that awkward settling stage for the first couple of weeks, but this time it feels even more nerve-wracking now that Dan’s own son is experiencing this side of things for the first time. Last year was different, reception was practically just daycare in Dan’s eyes. But this year? This year, his son walks in the big kid halls every day and Dan is quite honestly terrified for him.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to walk you to class? Just once? I could meet your new friends!” Dan is practically begging at this point, and if he had any pride left he’d probably feel embarrassed about that. Luckily, he didn’t.

Jack groans, covering his face with his little hands. They were already almost to the school, less than ten minutes away, and Dan had been exhausting the conversation pretty much the whole car ride. “Daddy,” Jack starts, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I love you very much but you’re really bothering me very much today, also.”

Dan tries not to laugh, but an amused noise escapes anyway. “Sorry, bub. I just want to be there to support you if you need me,” he explains gently. And while some part of him is just pressing the issue because it’s funny to see Jack riled up, the bigger part of him feels this ache in his chest at how quickly his baby boy is growing up.

“I know, Daddy. But I’m five now, I need to be a big kid, like Willow.”

Dan has to actively try not to cry when he hears that. “Okay, buddy,” he says, his voice cracking. He clears his throat, and avoids looking into the rear view mirror, terrified that his son will catch him crying. “I’m proud of you for wanting to be so independent,” he tells him.

“Thanks, Daddy,” Jack says, though Dan suspects he doesn’t even know what “independent” means.

They arrive at the school, which is a welcome distraction from Dan’s spiraling thoughts about the steady march of time and how horrible it feels to watch his son’s childhood slipping away. “Here we are,” he announces, pointlessly, as Jack is already unbuckling his seatbelt. He’s in such a hurry these days, but luckily, Dan had put childlock on the doors years ago, so he didn’t have to worry about any little accidents happening.

“Are you gonna let me have a hug when we get inside?” Dan asks, helping Jack out of the car. Lately, he’s been picky about when he’ll let Dan hug him in front of his peers and when he won’t, and Dan hasn’t been able to work out the difference yet.

“Guess so,” Jack says with a shrug. He reaches up for Dan’s hand as they walk, and Dan squeezes it, pleased when Jack squeezes back, the way he used to when he was tiny.

“You don’t have to,” Dan tells him quietly. “It’s always your choice, of course.”

Jack smiles up at him, patting his hand. “I know, Daddy.”

Dan smiles right back at him, holding the door open so they can go inside and find Willow. She’s not hard to spot, since she’s taken to waiting close to the front door every morning for Jack to get there.

“Hey!” Willow says with a wave, smiling brightly at both of them. “Good morning, Mr. Howell.”

“Morning, Willow,” Dan says, returning her smile. He lets go of Jack’s hand, allowing him to move freely, but he’s very pleased when Jack turns to him, holding his arms out for a hug. Leaning down, Dan wraps him up in a warm embrace, kissing the top of his curly head. “Love you, Jack. Have fun at school today, learn something new.”

Jack pats Dan’s back, and it’s such an oddly adult gesture that Dan almost laughs. “Love you, too, Daddy. I’ll see you later.”

It’s a quick hug, and as soon as Jack says this, he’s pulling away, reaching for Willow’s hand with a smile. Dan can’t help but grin fondly at them, waving as they start off down the hall. “Bye, you two! Willow, I’ll see you later in class, yeah?”

Willow turns to nod at him, waving one last time. “Yep, see you then!” she calls as they disappear around the corner.

Dan sighs heavily. Who knew letting your kids grow up and find their independence would be this draining? He thought the hard part was supposed to be when they needed you for everything.

He didn’t realize it would get harder when they didn’t need you for anything.

~~~

Dan’s grading some papers during his planning period late in the afternoon when he notices it. He hadn’t really been paying attention to the names at the top of the papers as he went through them, but the tone of this particular journal slows him down, makes his eyes flicker to the top of the paper to see who could’ve written something so beautifully morbid.

Willow Lester.

He shouldn’t even be surprised at this rate, honestly. Call it whatever; fate, divine intervention, coincidence - anyway, it seems that Willow is meant to be a standout figure in his life right now.

He rereads the line that had struck him once again, considering it carefully.

“But the sun will shine wherever it wants, even in the reaper’s garden.”

The journal assignment had been to write about a time that they were uplifted by something or someone, and Willow’s was somehow more real and depressing than any of peers’ had managed to be. He doesn’t know whether to be concerned or just impressed, but as his eyes flicker back over the journal, taking in the almost poetic way Willow describes visiting a cemetery, he decides that concern is probably the proper response.

He writes himself a quick reminder to set up a meeting with Willow’s parents, or at least a phone call, before setting her paper off to the side and continuing his grading.

~~~

Naturally, Dan forgets about the journal and the necessary phone call home until a couple days later when he has Willow in his class again. He curses himself for forgetting about it, especially when he had left himself a note, but there’s not much he can do about it for now. He forces himself to get through his class just like normal, going through the motions he does every other day. But that note, and Willow’s journal, weigh heavily on his mind throughout the entirety of his class.

By the end, he’s nearly shaking. Several years into teaching and he honestly would’ve thought he’d be over that kind of anxiety by now, but maybe it’ll never really go away. Besides, he hates making tough parent contacts at the best of times, and although it’s not like he expects this one to be that terrible, his personal rule is to always talk to the student first and tell them he’s going to talk to their parents. And in this case, that scares him.

Not that Willow is scary or anything. She’s probably the least-threatening child in any of his classes, but he dreads the idea that confronting this with her will destroy the rapport and relationship they’re building, and he can’t afford that this early in the school year. He just has to take a leap of faith and hope for the best.

“Willow, could you hang back for a second, please?” Dan asks once he’s dismissed his other students, who are already chattering loudly as they filter out of the room.

Willow has a nervous look on her face as she trudges up to his desk, stopping at the corner and looking at him curiously. “Yes, sir?”

Dan gestures to some of the desks. “I don’t have a class next period, so we can sit and chat for a second,” he says, grabbing her journal off his desk as he goes to join her.

She slides into a desk quietly, watching him warily as he does the same. He struggles to fit his long legs under one of the desks and she nearly smiles, but seems to catch herself before she can. “Am I in trouble?” she asks, fidgeting with her hands nervously.

“No, of course not,” Dan assures her. “I just wanted to talk to you about the journal you turned in a few days ago.”

Willow looks confused at first, then a slow understanding dawns on her face. “You read those?” she asks, almost on a whisper.

Dan nods. “I do. And firstly, I wanted to say how impressed I am by your writing. You have an incredible vocabulary and your writing flows beautifully. Really, really great job on this,” he says.

Willow smiles. “Thank you,” she says, looking relieved. “Is that all? Can I-“

Dan holds a hand out when she starts to leave. “Not yet,” he says apologetically. “While your writing style and word choice is fantastic, I did want to chat about the content for a minute, if you don’t mind.”

Like a flip has been switched, Willow deflates, staring down at the desk with a dejected look. “Okay,” she says softly.

Dan’s heart is breaking already. “Your journal was a bit darker than your peers’ journals were, but I’m more concerned about the truth behind it. Is this something we need to talk about with the counselor? I don’t want to be too nosy, and you don’t have to answer any of these questions, but I want to help you if I can.”

Willow is quiet for so long that Dan think she won’t say anything at all. And when she does, his heart sinks. “It’s not. It’s just a made-up story. I didn’t know what else to write about, so I made something up,” she says.

Dan would believe her if she’d make eye contact with him.

“Are you sure?” Dan asks gently. “If this is something you’d like to talk about, I’m always ready to listen,” he says.

Willow shakes her head. “No, thank you.” She shifts then, reaching for her bag. “Can I go now?”

Dan sighs, but nods. “Yes. Let me write you a note.”

He scribbles her a note to inform her next teacher where she has been, but right before she steps out into the hall, Dan calls her name.

“Yes?” Willow says, turning around expectantly.

Dan gives her an apologetic look. “I know you said this is something you don’t need to talk about, but I believe it’s something your parents should be aware of. I’ll be contacting them shortly to set up a meeting, and I just wanted you to know beforehand,” he says, trying to be as gentle as possible.

All the color has rushed out of Willow’s face, but she nods. “I understand,” she says, her voice stale and monotone. “Bye, Mr. Howell, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The door closes loud and heavy behind her, and Dan hopes once more that he hasn’t ruined the rapport they’ve built so far this year.

~~~

The phone is on the third ring when someone finally answers.

“Hullo?” A deep voice greets him.

“Er, hi,” Dan fumbles. He glances at the phone number on his computer, the only number listed for the parents of Willow Lester. He’d been expecting her mum, honestly, since it was only just after school hours, and he knew her dad was a teacher as well, and now he’s a bit discombobulated.

“Hi,” the deep voice parrots in amusement when Dan doesn’t immediately respond.

“Oh, um- I’m so sorry, I-” he pauses, taking a deep breath. “My apologies, I suppose I should have cleared my head a bit before making this call,” he says, cursing himself silently at how stupid he sounds. Even Jack looks up from the corner of the classroom, giving Dan a sympathetic look.

“It’s quite alright,” the man replies. “To what do I owe the pleasure of this phone call, Mister…”

Dan wants to punch himself in the neck. God, he’s stupid.

“Howell. Daniel Howell, from the primary school,” Dan replies quickly.

“Oh. Mr. Howell as in…”

“I’m Willow’s English teacher this year, sir,” Dan supplies, in case Mr. Lester had been thinking of another Mr. Howell.

“I see. I have a student with the same surname, I don’t suppose you happen to have a son called Jack, do you?” Mr. Lester almost sounds amused, now, as if Dan’s fumbling is funny.

Dan hesitates, considering that was not the nature of their call at all, but he responds easily enough. “Yes, I do, actually. I suppose I should have introduced myself sooner, but this time of the year is so busy, you know.”

“I understand,” Mr. Lester replies. “Pleased to meet you, Mr. Howell,” he says kindly. “But if you aren’t calling to introduce yourself as a parent of one of my students…”

Dan sympathizes with the man’s wariness. It’s never pleasant to get a call from a parent, but even less comfortable is possibly an unforeseen call from your child’s teacher. He decides to just rip the bandage off. “Well, I was actually calling to introduce myself as the teacher of your child, and to see if we could set up an in-person chat about your daughter’s work.”

The other end of the line is dead silent for long enough that Dan pulls the phone back to make sure the call hadn’t dropped. Before he can panic too much, the other man speaks again. “Of course. Would tomorrow afternoon, right after school, be alright?”

“Er- sure, that should be fine,” Dan agrees. “Um, your daughter usually walks my son back to my classroom at the end of the day, so maybe she could show you the way?”

“Sure,” Mr. Lester replies. “Well, I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon, Mr. Howell.”

“Right. I look forward to it,” Dan replies. They exchange goodbyes before hanging up, and then Dan slumps forward, thumping his head against his desk.

“Good job, Daddy,” Jack says from across the room.

“Thanks,” Dan mumbles against the papers crumpled under his face.

He hears little footsteps, and then feels Jack pushing at his chair, making room to crawl to sit on Dan’s lap. “Was that Willow’s daddy?” he asks, observant as ever.

Dan sighs, sitting back and staring at his son’s curious little face. He can’t lie to those little brown eyes, he never can. “Yes,” he says. “It was Mr. Lester.”

“Why were you talking to him?” Jack asks, tugging on a string on his sleeve and avoiding eye contact. “Am I in trouble?”

Dan laughs quietly at that. “No, bubba, you’re not. I just need to talk to Mr. Lester about Willow, is all.”

“Oh,” Jack says. “So… is Willow in trouble?” he asks, which of course shouldn’t surprise Dan.

“No, she’s not,” Dan says, ruffling Jack’s mop of curly hair. “Enough nosiness, mister. Are you about ready to go home?”

Jack nods, climbing off Dan’s lap with a little reluctance. “Can we go to Sainsbury’s on the way home and get some snacks?”

Dan sighs as he packs up the papers on his desk, but nods, helpless to such a simple request. “Sure, bub.”

~~~

The next day passes slowly, but somehow all of it blurs together as Dan frets over the meeting with Mr. Lester scheduled for that afternoon. Willow doesn’t have his class for another week, so he can only wonder about how it will go, worrying about whether or not Willow has told her father about her writing, or if perhaps he’s just worried and confused about the reason behind this meeting.

Dan selfishly hopes it’s the ladder, that way he isn’t the odd one out for being slightly worried and paranoid.

At the end of the day, Dan is setting his classroom back to normal like he does every afternoon when he hears voices in the hallway, one of which distinctly sounds like his son. He smiles absently, but finishes erasing some notes from the whiteboard, writing tomorrow’s date in the corner, along with the objectives for tomorrow’s lesson. He’s still writing when he hears his son call out, “Daddy!”

Dan turns around with a smile, placing the marker back in the tray and holding his arms out for the hug that Jack willingly throws himself into. “Hi, bubba. Missed you today,” Dan says, kissing his head. “Did you have a good day?”

Jack nods and wriggles out of Dan’s grip, turning and grabbing Willow’s arm from where she’s stood hesitantly at the door, a tall man behind her. “I had so much fun today,” Jack says, rambling as he drags Willow to the back corner where he plays every day when Dan has to work late after school. “We colored and learned a new song and I got to trade my cheese for a cookie at lunch!”

“That’s great, Little Bear!” Dan says, turning to the man he assumes is Willow’s father and mouthing an apology. “I want you to tell me all the details later, okay? Daddy’s gotta talk to Mr. Lester for just a few minutes, so you guys just hang out and play in here, alright?”

“M’kay,” Jack agrees carelessly, already moving on to interrogating Willow about her least favorite Pokemon.

Dan takes a breath, almost exhausted already just from listening to Jack talk so much. He turns to Mr. Lester, gesturing to the hallway subtly. The other man nods, stepping just outside the door. Dan follows after grabbing a paper off his desk, pulling his classroom door gently closed behind him.

Mr. Lester looks at him expectantly.

“Hi,” Dan says dumbly, holding his hand out for a polite handshake.

“Hi,” Mr. Lester parrots with a smile, accepting Dan’s hand and giving it a firm squeeze. “I assume you’re the Mr. Howell I’ve been hearing so much about?”

Dan flushes with that comment, but nods. They’re still holding hands. “All good things, I hope.”

Mr. Lester grins. “Of course,” he says. He glances down at their hands, and Dan startles, tugging his hand away in the most socially-awkward way that he’s probably capable of.

“So,” Dan starts, clearing his throat. “Mr. Lester, I noticed-”

“Phil,” Mr. Lester interrupts.

Dan blinks at him. “Pardon?” he says dumbly.

Mr. Lester smiles, like Dan being an idiot is funny, endearing even. “You can call me Phil. I don’t really feel old enough to be a Mr. Lester, honestly.”

Dan nods slowly. He turns the name over in his mind a couple times, cataloging the odd curve of his nose and his prominent Adam’s apple, ultimately coming to the conclusion that Phil fits him quite well. “Right,” Dan says awkwardly. “Well, Mr. Le- Phil-” he corrects when the man quirks a brow. “I just wanted to address some of Willow's work, as I’m a little concerned about her.”

Mr. Lester nods, but his eyebrows are furrowed like he’s confused. “Okay… Do you mind if I…” He holds a hand out for the paper, and Dan nods, handing it over easily.

“Firstly, I have to commend your daughter. She has a real, genuine talent for writing. And if it weren’t for the subject matter, I probably would have just sent an email praising her talent, but…” Dan’s rambling comes to a slow halt as he notices Mr. Lester’s reaction to the journal, his body stiffening like he’s going into some sort of fight or flight mode. Dan wishes, briefly, that he could do something to help him relax, as the tense body language looks so out of place on him.

Dan watches quietly while Mr. Lester finishes reading it, and to Dan’s surprise, there’s actually a look of comprehension and understanding on his face when he’s finished. He folds it carefully, glancing up at Dan with a much more reserved look on his face than he’d worn just a few moments prior.

“Do you mind if I keep this?” He asks, surprising Dan even more.

“Uh, sure. Sir, I don’t mean to intrude, but… Is this type of content typical of Willow? It’s rather dark for someone of her age, and-”

Mr. Lester cuts him off. “It is,” he sounds exhausted, suddenly, like this isn’t even the first time it’s happened. He tries to smile, but it’s not very convincing. “We… She has a few things she’s working through, but it’s a process. I apologize if this upset you, Mr. Howell, but I promise everything is alright at home.”

Dan feels a little like he has whiplash then. Worrying about her mental wellbeing was as far as he’d gotten; he hadn’t even considered the state of her homelife, although he probably should have. “Er- right,” Dan says dumbly. “I just- I wasn’t sure how regular this behavior was for her and I like to make a parent content when I notice something I deem out of the ordinary, even though this was probably fairly-” Dan realizes he’s rambling again when Mr. Lester gives him a little smile.

“It’s quite alright, Mr. Howell. I appreciate the gesture, truly. And I will speak to Willow about this and ensure that the rest of her work is school-appropriate from here on out.” It sounds like a rehearsed speech, somehow.

“Sure…” Dan says slowly. “But… When you do, if you don’t mind me saying this… Please be sure to emphasize how talented she is. I mean,” Dan laughs, still a little in awe of the writing this child had produced. “This is probably better work than I could manage on a good day, and I would hate for this to be the thing that stifles that for her.”

Mr. Lester gives him a curious look then. Up until now, he’d only given Dan these vague smiles, like he thought he was stupid but endearing, but now he’s got a skeptical glint in his eye. Dan squirms under the assessing gaze, forcing himself to stand still, meeting Mr. Lester’s eye with what he hopes is an air of confidence.

“Right,” Mr. Lester says finally. Dan breathes out an inaudible sigh of relief, one he’s not so sure goes unnoticed. “Well, I appreciate this chat, Mr. Howell. It was lovely to meet you. Jack is such a wonderful kid to have in class, just so you know.”

Dan feels relief flood him, proud that he’d successfully navigated the hardest part of this conversation and now they can move on. He rolls his eyes when he processes Mr. Lester’s words. “Yeah, I’m sure he’s a delight. Honestly surprised he hasn’t been sent to the headmaster’s office yet, really.”

Mr. Lester laughs, reaching a pale hand up to cover his mouth as he does it. Dan swats away the pesky thought he has, telling him that it’s a cute gesture. “Well, he’s wonderful in my class. Very curious, asks a lot of questions, but… We learn a lot when he’s in the room, for sure,” Mr. Lester says with a bright smile.

Dan warms at that, and he gives himself a second to feel smug. That’s his child, his curious little goblin. He made that! “Well, you’re lucky you don’t have to play 1,000 Ways to Drive Your Dad Insane every day after school. It’s his favorite game these days,” Dan says, sighing over-dramatically.

“Maybe we ought to trade sometime,” Mr. Lester jokes with a wink. Or what probably would have been a wink if he didn’t wink both eyes at the same time. Or maybe it was a blink and Dan’s just desperate.

“Absolutely,” Dan agrees absently.

Mr. Lester smiles, and right before he speaks again, they hear a voice from behind them.

“Dad? Can we go now?” Willow asks. She smiles sheepishly when Dan turns to look at her. “Sorry,” she says. “I’m just hungry.”

Like some kind of curse, Jack pops up next, looking absolutely deranged. “Yeah! Daddy, I’m hungry too!”

Dan rolls his eyes, turning to share a knowing look with the only other adult who understands his struggles here. “Well, I guess that’s the cue,” he jokes, scooping his son up when he starts to tug at Dan’s shirt.

Mr. Lester smiles but nods. “C’mon, Will,” he says, gesturing for his daughter. “Bye, Jack! See you next week!” He waves at Jack, who then throws his entire body into a big wave of his own.

“Bye, Mr. Lester! Bye, Willow. Don’t forget about the Pokemon snacks tomorrow!” Jack says.

Willow grins, giving him a thumbs-up. “Sure thing, buddy. Bye, Mr. Howell!” She waves too, then starts off down the hall without even looking to see if her father is following her.

Mr. Lester rolls his eyes, shaking his head when he makes eye contact with Dan. “Thank you for this,” he says, holding up the journal entry page. “It was lovely to meet you, Mr. Howell,” he says kindly before turning around to leave.

Dan sees his chance slipping away, and in true socially-awkward meerkat fashion, he chooses to rescue it in the worst way possible.

“Dan,” he calls out, probably far louder than is strictly necessary.

Mr. Lester turns to give him a strange look. “Sorry?”

Jack giggles. Dan clears his throat. “Er. Dan. That’s my name. You can… You can call me Dan.”

Mr. Lester- Phil- smiles. “Alright. Bye, Dan.”

“Bye,” Dan says quietly, watching him leave.

He gets maybe three seconds of peace. Then, as sweetly as possible, his tiny child leans in close, making unnerving eye contact with Dan before saying, in his best approximation of Dan’s voice, “Dan. You can call me Dan.”

Dan groans, dropping his son to stand on his own in a flush of embarrassment. “Zip it, brat. I don’t wanna hear it.”