#j.agorant

my mom was trying to explain to me about the whole college thing..like to be smart and not to throw away money going to nyu for like the first two years because yeah and i should go to tcc or odu first then transfer to save money and so i won't get out of college in debt

and like i get that, i know what her concerns are but leaving for new york is more to me than just going to some swanky college and partying whatever

to me, leaving is something i feel like i have to do. i desperately want to escape into a place where no one knows a thing about me, i want to start fresh and knew in an area where people can only see who i am now--not the stupid shit i have done in the past

i want to be surrounded by new people, places, and oppurtunities

i want to know what it is to be out on my own, fending for myself without mom and dad's help

i want to be on my own

i want to learn things for myself

not constantly following after my sister's footsteps

not with the same people who has seen me at my worst, who has seen my struggle

i want to start my new life

overall, this week has been pretty tough on me (emotionally) like i've done things that i don't neccessarily regret but i sort wish i can just sweep under the rug now that's all said and done. i hate people who linger on it and mope around and get all sensitive about it. i just want to move on and almost forget it never happened.

but you know apparently i'm suffering from depression so i've been acting way off the past week..month...year

my mom is really hovering over me about it and i sort of wish she didn't. i know she's just worried because i pretty much "cracked" like 2...3 days ago. but i really just want nothing more than to deal with my own problems on my own. my own sanity is my burden to bear, i don't want anyone else getting involved they only slow me down

i even told my parents, "what you saw that night was not the first time i cracked, it was just the first time i got caught."

i know my problem is that i try to ignore the problem and act like it's not bothering me, but i still rather just do that than face it. anything is better than just facing it. 

i'm not saying it's right, it's just easier that way.

i'm never getting a job lol xDD actually i think i really need to get my license first before i can even start working...i feel lame for having kim take me everywhere...hhh but i can't get one until january ;^; this is what i get for being lazy and getting my permit late

also i can't wait until i graduate 

 i am so tired of high school already mostly because i already saw kim go through the whole senior thing so i feel like i already lived it too..i don't feel like having my turn, i just want to skip to the part where i can start fresh and new and be somewhere different and meet different people

i can't wait to travel next year...i think i've mentioned this before too >o< sorry if i'm annoying

i'm just so bored guys i can't even

i want to live in new york 

if i somehow by some godly chance get an amazing scholarship to a college in new york i wonder if my parents would let me go there 0___0...i wonder if it would be such a good idea..............? i mean being so far from family might be a little lonely

i don't know but

i just really want to go to a place where nobody knows who i am and the mistakes i have made in the past

can i just bring my family with me? can we just move to new york or something

or the phillippines...idk but i think they might think i'm snobby or something if i go there

filipinos can be very judgemental and apparently i look like some snobby bitch all the time so

i don't know

i don't know

i don't know if anyone will like me

in new york

philippines

or japan

here

or anywhere