#j-kidd

Newly retired NBA point guard Jason Kidd is moving on with his professional career and has accepted the roll of Drinking Coach for the Brooklyn Nets.

“I look forward to bringing my experience and passion for the bottle to this group of young men who are just beginning their journey down the dark spiral that is a championship level substance abuse problem” said Kidd, a 10-time all-star and convicted wife beater. Kidd has career averages of 12.6 PPG, 8.7 APG, and 2.4 BAC and is best remembered for sharing the Rookie of the Year award with Grant Hill in 1995, winning a championship with the Mavericks in 2011, and smashing his car into a telephone pole while totally blitzed in 2012.

“We hope that Jason can bring his energy, passion, and seemingly limitless desire to consume to our mutual quest for oblivion,” said Nets majority owner Mikhail Prokhorov. “His court double-vision and ability to play through multiple mind erasers lead us to believe he has the basketball acumen and the liver fortitude to help our team self destruct in a spectacular super-nova of biblical proportions.” Added minority owner Jay-Z, “Jeah. Shaboi.”

Team photo courtesy of The Brooklyn Nets

David Sharp is Senior Sports and Substance Abuse Editor