#iydlmp

He’s not sure how it happened, but this whole morning has definitely gone horribly wrong.

Phil sighs, shaking his head as he makes his way downstairs to where the Uber is waiting. He’s trying not to think about the way Dan had turned away from his touch just a moment ago, his stomach churning with the thought that he might’ve made Dan uncomfortable somehow. Despite Phil’s best efforts to push it away, his head is spinning, trying to come up with some explanation for Dan’s behavior, some mistake he’d unknowingly made that set him off. But it doesn’t do more than give him a low-grade migraine and he eventually decides that it’s not worth making himself sick over. He can still fix this.

The look on Dan’s face when Phil had tried to kiss him earlier floats back into his mind, and he swallows hard, his stomach sinking.

He can still fix it. Right?

~~~

“Took you long enough,” is the first thing out of his brother’s mouth when he meets him at the shops.

“Yeah, well,” Phil says, shrugging. He doesn’t meet Martyn’s eyes, instead just scuffs his shoe against the uneven bricks beneath their feet.

Martyn seems to hesitate, like he’s reassessing the situation, and Phil briefly hates him and how perceptive he is. “Are you alright, buddy?” he asks gently.

Phil nods, then shrugs. He finally forces himself to make eye contact, giving Martyn what is likely an unconvincing smile. “I’m fine. Are we gonna go eat? Shop? What are we doing?”

“I’m… I’m not sure. Are you sure you’re okay?” Martyn asks.

“Yep. Just tired,” Phil lies through his teeth.

There’s a beat of silence in which Martyn seems to be studying him closely, narrowed eyes and all. He must be disappointed at what he finds, because his shoulders drop and he sighs. “Alright,” he says, sounding resigned. “You don’t have to tell me, but… I’m here if you need to talk, okay?”

Damn him for being such a good brother.

Phil rolls his eyes despite himself. “I know that. C’mon. Let’s get inside somewhere, it’s bloody freezing.”

Martyn’s spirits seem lifted enough now that Phil’s speaking in full sentences, so he turns to lead them off down the street. “Do you have anyplace specific you’re wanting to go?” Martyn asks. “Because I’ll be honest, mate, I haven’t a fuckin’ clue where I’m headed.”

Phil almost chastises him for the swear, just like he’d do to Dan at home, but with a start he realizes his kids aren’t with him. That’s so unusual these days, unless he’s at work, that it takes him a second to process it. “Er…” he stalls, trying to come up with a response to whatever the hell his brother just said, even though he wasn’t really listening.

Just then, they pass by a familiar sign posted above a shop. Something nudges Phil’s memory and he absently reaches to check that his wallet is in his pocket. It is, of course, and his feet slow in front of the shop.

“Actually…” he says slowly.

Martyn stops, a little belatedly, and he has to backtrack a few steps to remain in front of Phil. “What?” Martyn says, looking around. He spots the sign of the shop they’ve stopped in front of and his eyes go comically wide. “Uh… didn’t you two already get the prop rings, or whatever?” He asks, glaring at the jeweler sign like it’s personally offended him.

Phil twists the silver band on his ring finger of his left hand. “Yes,” he replies simply, eyeing the ring display at the front window.

“Then…” Martyn says slowly.

And honestly, Phil knows he’s already connected the dots, he truly isn’t that daft. But he sees no reason to deprive him of the answer he’s fishing for.

“This isn’t going to be a prop ring.”

There’s a beat of silence, and before Martyn can protest or anything, Phil marches towards the store, a decisive pep in his step.

“Welcome to Goldsmith’s, how may I assist you?” the cheerful sales associate asks as soon as Phil steps inside.

“Phil,” Martyn hisses from behind him.

Phil ignores him. “Hello,” he greets the associate. “I’m looking for an engagement ring.”

The girl smiles brightly. “Well, congratulations, sir! This is a very exciting chapter of your life, so I’d be happy to help you find what you’re looking for.”

“Great,” Phil says with a smile. He ignores the pointed stare Martyn is sending his way.

“We have a wide selection of engagement rings and bands to choose from, but let me show you to some of our more popular sellers,” the sales associate is saying as she leads them to a case towards the front.

Phil stops her with a short laugh. “Actually, I was hoping I could see your more unique styles. My fian- partner-“ he clears his throat. “My partner is very particular, and I know he’ll want something different, something unique.”

The attendant smiles. “It’s great that you know that! Makes my job a lot easier,” she laughs.

Phil smiles, shaking off his brother’s hand when he tries to grab Phil’s arm. The sales associate is showing them to another case when Martyn starts to whisper.

“Are you sure about this? Like, absolutely positive?” He sounds paranoid, and Phil can’t believe someone else is more nervous about this than he is. “This is a huge decision, Phil, and the two of you aren’t even really-“

“Don’t,” Phil says, sharper than intended.

Martyn snaps his mouth shut, but looks at Phil with a guilty frown.

“These are some styles that either aren’t “in-style” right now, or just aren’t very popular,” the sales associate explains, pulling out a jewelry tray for Phil to examine.

“This one is nice,” Phil says absently, tapping on a rather simple one that has three stones embedded in the simple white gold band. He glances at Martyn, who’s studying the rings with something like confused curiosity. Phil nudges him. “What do you think?”

Martyn glances between him and the ring a couple times, then shrugs. “I don’t know… I reckon Dan would like something a bit flashier, actually.”

Phil smiles, relieved that Martyn’s actually helping now and not questioning his decisions. “Yeah, true.” He looks at the others, letting his gaze linger on the more ornate ones a little longer, waiting for some sort of sign to hit him, but it doesn’t happen.

A moment or two passes where none of them speak, giving Phil the quiet time to study the rings carefully. And study is all he can really do, since none of them really stand out to him. “Is there…”

The sales associate must be all too familiar with this, because she’s quick to pick up on his train of thought. “You know, I think I have another drawer in the back, give me just a moment.”

Phil nods, smiling in relief now that he doesn’t have to actually voice his opinion on the rings he’d been shown so far.

She’s barely been gone a minute when Phil feels Martyn’s hand on his arm. He sighs. “Martyn,” he starts, turning to tell him, kindly, to bugger off.

“Hey,” Martyn interrupts him. He’s smiling a little, which wasn’t the expression Phil was expecting to see. “You really love him, huh?”

Phil drops his gaze to the ring he’s already wearing, the one he’s so emotionally attached to now that he can’t bear to imagine ever taking it off. “I… yeah. Yeah, I really do.”

Martyn is quiet for a moment. “Have you always? Or is this like… a new thing?”

Phil levels him with a look, one brow quirked in disbelief. “You’re really going to ask me that?”

“Well…” Martyn shrugs, then laughs when he sees the dumbfounded look Phil is giving him. “Okay, yeah, yeah. I mean… you have been rather obvious from the start.”

Phil has to laugh at that. “God, I know. No idea how Dan didn’t realize it sooner. I guess we were both just so deep in denial that we didn’t know how to deal with ourselves.”

“Does he? Realize it now, I mean?” Martyn asks softly.

Just then, before Phil gets the chance to reply, the sales lady returns with another drawer of rings.

“These are some of our more unique choices, mixed in with some newer pieces that haven’t done as well as we thought they would,” she says, setting the tray down and stepping back to give him the space to survey them.

“Dan would love that,” Phil remarks, mostly to himself.

“Which one?” Martyn asks.

Phil shakes his head, still studying them closely. “No, I just meant like, getting a ring that no one else wants. Adopting it, saving it from the depths of jewelry hell and all that.”

Martyn laughs, and Phil smiles. “Fair enough.”

The sales associate begins explaining some other options she can present if he doesn’t like these, but it’s while she’s talking that he sees it. It’s flashier than he’d prefer for himself, with a somewhat feminine style. It’s white gold, Dan’s favorite, with simple diamonds twisted on the band leading up to the center, where the main diamond sits.

It’s perfect.

“Can I see that one?” Phil asks, pointing to the ring that is absolutely, perfectly Dan.

The sales associate smiles and nods. “This one has been here for a month or so. It’s the only one we’ve got, but we can get it resized if you decide you like it.” She hands the ring to him carefully, then steps back to give him a chance to look it over and consider it.

Phil clutches the ring gently, holding it up close to his face to inspect it. It’s perfect. Absolutely perfect. He can already imagine slipping it on Dan’s lovely digit, the face he’d make when Phil really, properly proposes.

He’s so deep in the fantasy that he doesn’t even realize the sales associate is speaking to him until his brother pinches his arm.

“Ow!” Phil yelps, turning to glare at Martyn with little thought to the other person standing there.

“I’m sorry, but she’s trying to ask you a question, mate. At least pretend to pay attention,” Martyn says with a roll of his eyes, smiling apologetically at the sales lady when he’s done being dramatic.

“I’m so sorry,” Phil says to her immediately. “I was… sorry, what were you saying?”

The girl smiles kindly at him. “I take it this is the one?“ she says, nodding to the ring.

Phil takes one last look at it, then nods. “Yeah, this is definitely the one. He’ll love it.”

She smiles. “Lovely. I was just asking, do you happen to know what his ring size is?”

“Well, actually- oh, here, I guess I shouldn’t be the one holding onto this,” he says, handing the ring back as he starts digging in his pocket. He pulls out his wallet and takes a second to rummage around, finding what he’s looking for in record time. “Oh, here it is. We actually bought some jewelry here not too long ago and we both got a copy of the receipt,” Phil explains, sliding it over to her.

The sales associate picks it up, scanning the information quickly. “Oh, this is perfect. Since you’re already in our system I can look up the purchase and we can figure out his size. I’m assuming we’ll definitely need to resize this, correct?”

Phil glances at the ring again, and nods with a laugh. “Oh, definitely. That wouldn’t even fit on his pinky.”

She laughs along with him, then closes the case, the ring still clutched safely in her hand. “Alright. If you’ll just follow me, I’ll pull your account up on the computer and we’ll get the rest squared away!”

~~~

Less than half an hour later, Phil and Martyn step back out on the streets, a new receipt in Phil’s pocket, the estimated pick-up date circled on it in red ink.

“Is this what you had planned for today?” Martyn asks as they begin strolling off towards some other shops.

Phil laughs at that. “No. What I had planned for today was snuggling my boyfriend and my kids.”

Martyn gives him a look. “Boyfriend, eh? So it’s official, then?” he asks, a mischievous smirk on his face.

Phil can feel his face flush when he realizes what he’s just said. “Well… I call him that sometimes. In my head.”

Martyn isn’t polite enough not to laugh at him. “Oh, so Dan isn’t aware of this new development?”

There’s an awkward pause as Phil tries to think of a realistic lie, but it’s filled with Martyn cackling, then pretending to cover it up with a cough. “He knows that there are… feelings happening. I think.”

“You think?” Martyn basically squawks. “Jesus, man. Why don’t you just tell him you fancy him? You know he feels the same.”

He gestures them towards a candy shop then, and Phil is helpless to refuse. He follows behind Martyn slowly, trying to gather his thoughts.

“Well… I mean, I guess I think I know how he feels, but I… I’m not sure.”

Martyn had stopped to hold the door open for him, but at that he pauses, turning to give Phil a blank stare. “Mate,” he deadpans.

“What?” Phil says defensively. “Open the door, it’s freezing out here.”

Martyn rolls his eyes, but waves Phil through, following behind him closely to continue the conversation. “Don’t be daft. Or, at least be less daft, if you can manage that.”

“Thanks, Mar, you’re such a beaming ray of kindness today. I’ve missed our bonding times,” Phil says, and he hopes his voice is dripping with sarcasm.

“You know you did,” Martyn teases. Phil can’t even deny that. He did.

“Whatever,” he says, mindlessly strolling the store, his hands tucked firmly in his pockets to keep him from buying anything.

“I’m serious, though,” Martyn says after a minute, tucking a box of licorice under his arm, likely for their father. “I think you both would feel better if you just had a conversation about it, yeah?”

Phil’s quiet, thinking about it. Of course, Martyn is right. “I know,” he says, rather than admitting it in so many words. “And, God, I’ve already bought a real ring, haven’t I? I’ve got to say something. Surely he’ll say no if I just propose out of nowhere. And-”

“I doubt it,” Martyn interrupts his rambling, examining some chocolate oranges.

Phil blinks. “Doubt what?” He says, suspicious.

Martyn shrugs. “I doubt he’d say no. Knowing the two of you, he might actually prefer it if you just propose, so neither of you have to actually talk like functioning human beings.”

And this, Phil thinks, is where Martyn clearly doesn’t know Dan very well. “Oh, no. Dan loves to talk. He loves a good serious chat. We have them with the kids all the time.”

Martyn glances at him then, smiling a little. “He’s a good dad?” he asks.

Phil sighs wistfully, wishing again that he’d said no to his brother and just stayed home to snuggle with his grumpy-Dan and their kids. “The best,” he says truthfully. He hesitates then, debating on whether or not he should share this next part with his brother.

“What is it?” Martyn asks, Phil’s anxiety and hesitation far too easy to read for someone who has known him his whole life.

Phil chews his lip in contemplation, but sighs. It would be good to get a second opinion on this, he figures.

“Dan asked me to adopt the kids with him.”

Martyn drops the box of licorice.

Phil winces at the noise, and they both glance at the shopkeep, who gives them a tired once-over before going back to his coffee and tablet.

“He what?” Martyn whisper-shouts, leaning back down to retrieve the box.

“He asked me to adopt-”

Martyn flaps his hand. “Shut up, I heard you. I just…” He stares at Phil, his eyes wide. “That’s a lot, man. That’s a big responsibility.”

Phil knows he doesn’t really mean it like that, but he bristles anyway at the insinuation that he maybe can’t handle that responsibility. He feels like he’s been doing just fine so far, though.

“I know that,” he says, a little defensive. “We know that. I just…” he trails off then. This may not even be something Martyn understands. He and Cornelia have Evan, but… still. This is a little different.

“Just what?” Martyn says, his voice soft.

Phil sighs. “They’re my kids, Martyn. And as odd as it sounds, Dan is my family. With or without them, he’s… He’s my person. And he’s the only person I’d want to have a family with.”

Martyn is silent, glancing at Phil for only a minute before going over to the counter to pay for the candy. Phil trails after him, feeling a little like he’s in trouble, even though he hasn’t even done anything. Martyn can’t crucify him for a crime he didn’t even commit, he thinks bitterly.

They head out of the shop, and Martyn pulls out his phone and glances at the time. “You feel like doing a little bit of Christmas shopping?”

~~~

Later that evening, when Phil is eating dinner at the table by himself, a message pops up from his brother. They’d abandoned the conversation about Dan and the kids at the candy shop, and Phil had honestly thought Martyn was angry with him. The message clears his conscience of that, at least.

Martyn: Talk to Dan. If you guys can ever get your shit sorted out, I think those kids would be thrilled to have you guys as forever parents.

Martyn: Also, you owe me for lunch

It happens when Dan is mostly asleep.

“And I told you I saw Jimmy there, right?”

“Hm?”

Phil huffs, rolling over just enough to squint at Dan in the dark. “At the thing. The radio thing.”

“Mhm,” Dan hums, just on the verge of sleep but not quite under. If Phil would stop talking, he’d probably be out within seconds. He feels something nudging him, and his eyes flutter open again. “Hm?”

“He asked me to lunch,” Phil says. His tone is annoyed, like he’s been repeating it and Dan’s just now listening enough to really hear it.

“Who?” Dan asks blearily.

Phil sighs. “Jimmy. From York? He’s over at one of the other stations now, and I ran into him by complete coincidence…”

Dan tunes him out, his voice a beautiful background for Dan’s almost-dreams. That is, until he feels that sharp nudge again. “Ugh. What?” He whines.

“I’m going to lunch with him next week.”

“M’kay,” Dan mumbles. He doesn’t even process the words, is too tired to care honestly. He just wants to sleep. “Love you,” he mumbles, pressing his lips to the skin under his mouth. He’s sure they’ve already covered that base for the night, but he’s been practically edging himself with sleep ever since Phil got home from whatever corporate benefit bullshit the BBC had him attending for the evening, and he’s honestly just ready to call it a night.

He’s awake and coherent long enough to feel Phil giggle and hear a quiet little, “love you too, baby,” before he finally falls into a peaceful sleep.

~~~

Dan’s forgotten about the whole encounter until approximately a week later, when Phil comes in the kitchen looking fit and gorgeous. Dan wolf-whistles at him, and there’s a chorus of giggles and groans from their children seated at the table. Phil flushes.

“Why hello there, handsome. Got a hot date?” Dan’s joking, obviously, but for some reason the question makes Phil squirm. “What? Did I forget an anniversary or something?” He turns to look at their calendar, and nope, it’s all clear for this month, so this must be something else. Dan looks at him expectantly, and Phil looks away, clearing his throat.

“I’m going to lunch with Jimmy, remember? I told you last week,” he says, fiddling with the cuffs on his button-down.

Dan blinks. “Jimmy? Jimmy who?”

Phil sighs, and Dan has a feeling he must have done that thing where he dissociates in the middle of a conversation again, if Phil is this agitated with him not remembering. “Jimmy Hill, my mate from York,” he explains. “Did you make coffee?”

Dan hands him his own mug silently, suddenly losing his appetite. “Right. Jimmy from York.”

Phil smiles, like Dan’s said the right thing, or maybe done the right thing by not freaking out, he’s really not sure. “Yeah. We’ve been meaning to catch up since the last time we ran into each other, but we were always too busy. Amelia, you’ve got jam in your hair, hon.” Phil slips back into his parenting role seamlessly, as if he hadn’t mentioned the Jimmy thing at all.

Dan knows it’s silly to be jealous. He knows this, and yet he can’t help thinking about everything Phil has ever told him about Jimmy, specifically the explicit stuff. It’s been years since they talked about it in any detail, but Dan remembers when he first met Phil, when they were in that weird state of maybe, and Phil would talk about his sexual escapades from university. Jimmy was one of the more recurring characters in those stories, Dan remembers.

“Does he know you’re getting married?” Dan asks, unable to help himself. He never did know when to quit poking a bear.

Phil sends him a look over his shoulder, still working on ridding their daughter’s hair from the breakfast that’s tangled in it. “Yes,” Phil says, more patiently than Dan probably deserves. “He knows I’m marrying you.” It’s not exactly the question Dan asked, but it’s the answer he was looking for.

“Huh,” Dan says quietly. “Okay.”

He pretends he doesn’t see the look that Phil gives him, going over to the pantry to start pulling out stuff for their children’s lunchboxes. He works quietly, letting the chatter at the breakfast table become pleasant background noise as he tries to keep himself from spiraling. It’s not a big deal, he tells himself. And yet, it feels like it is. Phil’s meeting up with his ex… his ex-something, and Dan worries if the ring on his finger will be enough to keep Phil from remembering what it was he liked about Jimmy in the first place.

“Daddy?” Dan hears from the table.

“Yeah, hon?” Dan says on autopilot.

He hears a chair scrape the floor and a couple seconds later Amelia is looking up at him with a little frown. “You didn’t put any Teddy Grahams in my lunch box,” she says, pointing at the still mostly-empty box on the counter.

“Oh,” Dan says, looking over at where he’s placed two bags in Jaiden’s box, and none in Amelia’s. “Sorry, honey, I just wasn’t paying attention. Here,” he says, placing the extra bag from Jaiden’s into Amelia’s and then rifling through to see what else he forgot.

“Fruit snacks?” Amelia says helpfully.

Dan looks down at her with a weak smile. “Thank you,” he says. “I’m starting to think maybe you ought to be in charge of all this instead of me,” he jokes.

Amelia giggles. “If I’m in charge, can I have an extra sweet in mine?”

Dan can’t help but laugh at that. “Nice try, missy, but no.”

His daughter sighs dramatically, like she’d really expected anything different. “It was worth a shot,” she says before returning to the kitchen table to finish her breakfast.

The interruption is a welcome distraction from Dan’s spiraling thoughts for sure, but now he feels bad for being jealous and for the way that apparently turns him into a shit father. He wonders if that’s really the type of guy Phil really wants to hitch his wagon to. Probably not, he reckons.

“Hey,” Phil says from beside Dan. It almost makes him jump. “Why’re you weird?” He asks.

Dan can sort of appreciate that Phil sounds genuinely perplexed, but the bitter part of him is just pissed off by it. “I’m not,” he lies, avoiding Phil’s gaze. Phil knows him too well for Dan to be able to lie to him straight to his face.

“You are,” Phil argues adamantly. When Dan doesn’t reply, Phil huffs. “You’re not seriously upset about the Jimmy thing, are you?”

Dan doesn’t say anything. His face is surely flushing a horrible shade of red by now, but he doesn’t want to admit to what he’s just been rightly accused of.

Greeted with nothing but silence, Phil makes an exasperated sort of sighing noise. Dan flinches, waiting for the chastisement or whatever it is Phil clearly wants to say. He’s tense, zipping up the lunch boxes methodically just so his hands have something to do except for shake. He waits for the anger, the hurt.

But it doesn’t come.

Instead, Phil reaches over, gripping Dan’s wrist gently. “If you really don’t want me to go, I won’t,” he says quietly.

And that makes Dan feel… really shitty, actually. He decides then, that he doesn’t want to be that guy, the guy who makes his partner feel like he’s untrustworthy or something. That’s not them.

“No, it’s fine,” Dan says, and he tries to make it true. Unfortunately, jealousy doesn’t disappear just because you’ve decided to try being a better partner.

“You’re sure?” Phil says, sounding apprehensive.

Dan nods. “Positive,” he lies.

Phil bites his lip. He looks uncertain, and Dan hates that he put that expression there. “Okay,” Phil says slowly. “Can I ask you something?”

There’s a clatter at the table then, and they both look over to see the kids giggling over some bottle-flipping trick that Levi is trying to teach them. “Guys, it’s time to get dressed for school,” Dan says, mainly so they can have this conversation in private.

If the kids are annoyed about being dismissed, they don’t show it, the twins racing down the hall to their bedroom while Levi stacks their dishes up.

“Thanks, Levi,” Phil says with a smile when he puts the dishes in the sink.

“No worries,” Levi says. He hesitates then, giving them a searching look. “Is everything okay with you guys?” He asks.

Dan curses himself again for letting his own stupid, petty jealousy get out in the open like that for their kids to notice it. “Yeah, bud, we’re fine. Just having a chat about something.”

Levi nods, but still wavers. “Is it about us?” He asks, snapping the hair tie around his wrist.

“No, hon, it’s not about you guys. I promise everything is okay, you guys just go get dressed so Dan and I can take you to school,” Phil says.

Dan’s not sure who is more surprised to hear the last part, him or Levi, but nevertheless, their son nods and leaves the kitchen. In the silence, Dan turns to Phil, quirking a questioning eyebrow.

“You’re riding with us this morning?” He asks, confused. Phil usually takes a car to work in the mornings, since Dan works at the same school their children go to.

Phil shrugs. “If that’s okay?” He asks, sounding timid. “I’ll take a car from the school to the radio station, obviously.”

Dan feels his heart squeeze when he hears Phil’s nervous tone. “Of course that’s okay. The twins will be thrilled,” Dan tells him, turning back to the counter to pack his own lunch for the day.

Phil places a warm hand on the small of Dan’s back. “I’m not doing it for them,” he says gently. When Dan doesn’t reply, he continues, “now, can I ask you something? And will you be honest with me?”

Dan almost bristles at that, but then the fight drains out of him and he just nods. “Of course.”

“Look at me, babe.” When Dan does, Phil gives him a fond little smile and wraps his arms around his waist in what is almost a proper hug, if Dan were reciprocating. “Are you actually upset with me meeting Jimmy for lunch?”

“What? No, I-“ Dan starts, feeling flustered at being asked outright.

“You said you’d be honest,” Phil reminds him quietly.

Dan sighs, relaxing in Phil’s grip in defeat. “Fine. I’m not thrilled about it, no. Happy?” He doesn’t mean to be sharp, but he feels gross and guilty and jealousy has never looked good on him.

“I’m happy you told me,” Phil replies sincerely. “But I wish you would communicate with me about why, so I could understand. Do I need to cancel or is this something you’re going to be able to get over?”

Dan hates how he asks that question, how it makes Dan feel like a child, but he realizes that’s exactly how he’s acting. “I… I don’t want to make you cancel. I know you were excited to see your friend,” he says carefully. He’s not sure how to navigate this. Surprisingly, this isn’t a bridge they’ve had to cross before, since their actual romantic relationship is still relatively new.

“Well firstly, you can’t make me do anything. If I cancel, it will be because I think it’s what’s best to protect our relationship and make sure I’m not crossing boundaries that make you uncomfortable.” Phil says this so succinctly, so calmly, that Dan can’t help it when he tears up, all the feelings he’s had this morning compounding on him at one time. “Secondly, I am excited, but that doesn’t mean I’m willing to make you feel bad, okay?”

Dan looks down, feeling guilty for even meeting Phil’s eyes when he’s being this gentle with him, but Phil doesn’t let him get away with that. His hand comes up to cradle Dan’s chin, tilting his head so that their eyes are meeting again. “I’m sorry,” Dan blurts.

Phil shakes his head with a little laugh. “Babe, what for? You’ve not done anything wrong.”

“Haven’t I?” Dan asks sarcastically. Before Phil can interrupt him with more of his poetic, wise bullshit, Dan continues. “It feels really bad to be this jealous about you having lunch with a mate from uni, and I hate that I feel that way, but here we are.”

Phil’s quiet for a moment, considering this. “Can you explain why you’re jealous? Is it because he’s gay or because he’s a guy from my past, like… what is it?”

Dan tries not to cringe. “Uh, probably all of the above. And because I know far too much about your sex life with him.”

He really didn’t think it would, but Phil blushes like it embarrasses him to hear it. “Er, sorry,” he mumbles. There’s a pause, and then he asks, “do you think not knowing about all that would’ve made you feel better or worse?”

Dan doesn’t want to think about it, since he does already know about it, and there’s definitely no way of undoing that. “Worse, probably. Because I know Jimmy is fit, I’d still be thinking about you two together anyway,” Dan says. Then he feels stupid because it’s weird to admit to his partner that he’s thought about him with another man at all.

Phil must be thinking the same thing, because he gives Dan a long look. “Okay. Is that, like, in a sexy way, or…?”

Now Dan’s the one blushing, checking to make sure their children haven’t snuck back in the room to eavesdrop. “No,” he admits, which he thinks is mostly true. “I just… god, I don’t know. I’m the only one making this weird. I’ll stop, I promise.”

Dan turns to finish packing his lunch, and he thinks that’s probably where they’ll leave the conversation. He doesn’t know how to communicate his feelings apparently, but he knows he doesn’t want to make Phil feel bad. He’s just selecting a granola bar for later when he feels two arms wrapping around his waist and warm breath on his neck.

Phil sighs. “I love you,” he says.

And that’s never not Dan’s favorite thing to hear. “I love you,” he replies softly, dropping his lunchbox to squeeze Phil’s wrists gently.

They’re quiet for a moment, and then Phil kisses the back of his neck, just at his hairline. “You know I’m not upset with you for being jealous,” Phil says quietly. When Dan starts to protest, he squeezes his waist tighter. “Listen, bub, I get it. I know it’s been a while, but the last time you went on a date, I was so jealous I thought I would explode.”

“Really?” Dan asks, thawing a little at that. But then, he registers that Phil just compared him meeting a friend for lunch to Dan going on a date, and Dan’s mood sours again. “But this isn’t a date,” he says, petulant.

Phil has the audacity to laugh at that. “Obviously not. I think Jimmy has a boyfriend.”

Dan squirms, turning in Phil’s arms to face him. “Well you almost have a husband, so.”

That makes Phil grin, and Dan can’t help but mirror the look of joy. “Yes,” Phil says. “And I’ll probably talk a lot about you, and the kids, and the wedding. Jimmy will be proper sick of me.”

“Jimmy’ll be the jealous one then,” Dan mumbles, but he’s smiling. He feels a little more settled now, a little less raw. He definitely needs to make a call to his therapist and workshop some ways to deal with his jealousy issues, but he feels okay now.

Phil smiles at him, leaning in and pecking his lips. “I’m sure he will be,” Phil teases. He gives Dan another kiss, then pulls back to study him. “Are we okay now?” He asks. Dan is obsessed with how it’s always “we” these days.

He nods. “Yeah. We’re okay.”

“Good,” Phil beams. “I’m gonna go check on the kids and make sure they’re ready to go. Need any help with anything?”

Dan shakes his head, turning back to finish his final touches on his lunchbox. “Nah, I’m about done. I didn’t pack you a full lunch, since, you know,” Dan says, gesturing absently. He’s already tired of how much space Jimmy has taken up in their morning already. “But I did pack you some snacks, in case you have to stay late today, or in case he wants to go to a place you don’t like.”

Phil kisses Dan again as soon as he turns to look at him, and that’s definitely something Jimmy doesn’t have. “You’re so good to me,” Phil says, his voice dripping with fondness.

Cracking a smile, Dan shrugs. “I know I am,” he says smugly. He kisses Phil again, this time just a little peck on the corner of his lips. “Go check on the kids, I’ll be there in a minute.”

As Phil leaves the kitchen, Dan lets himself breathe and take stock of how he feels. Surprisingly, the guilt and gross feeling from earlier have mostly subsided. Sure he’s still a little nervous about what might happen, but he trusts Phil more than anyone, and he knows that what they have means the world to both of them. So with a lighter heart, Dan finishes up his work and goes to get the rest of his family ready for the day.

~~~

In the end, Dan worries for nothing.

Phil shoots him a text after lunch with Jimmy, a selfie of the two of them, Jimmy holding up his left hand while Phil points exaggeratedly at the diamond ring that adorns his ring finger.

Phil: Double wedding with Jimmy and his fiancé??

Dan smirks, relief settling deep in his bones.

Dan: not in a million years bub, I’m an attention whore and we both know it

Phil: 😂❤️

Later that evening, after playing a round of Monopoly and eating dinner, Kathryn insists that they all sit down for a Christmas movie. Amelia has almost completely attached herself to Kathryn at this point, and climbs right into Kathryn’s lap when she gets settled on the end of the sofa closest to Nigel’s recliner. “You precious girl,” Kathryn coos at her, hugging Amelia tightly.

Amelia grins, looking rather pleased with herself. It makes Dan feel warm inside and out to see how much Kathryn loves these kids already. Nigel is more reserved, but Dan can tell he’s thrilled in his own, quiet way.

“Dad, is it alright if I go call Charlotte for a minute?” Levi asks quietly, hovering awkwardly by the sofa.

Dan can hardly conceal his glee at Levi casually calling him that, but he recovers quickly. “Sure, bub. Want us to wait and start the movie when you get back?”

Levi shakes his head. “That’s alright, I’ll only be a minute,” he says before ducking out and heading towards the stairs.

Phil nudges Dan from beside him, his eyes filled with excitement. “That’s like the third time!” He whispers.

Dan nods, just as excited. “I know!” He whispers back.

Jaiden, who was curled up in the corner beside Dan, shushes them. “We’re trying to pick the movie,” he complains.

“Sorry, bug,” Dan says, hiding his smile.

“How about this new movie? Klaus?” Kathryn suggests, gesturing to the movie she’s pulled up on Netflix.

Everyone agrees that this one looks good, so they settle in to start the movie. “Cold?” Phil murmurs to Dan, wrapping an arm around him and pulling him in close.

After hours of testing and far too many people poking and prodding at their son, the hospital finally releases Jaiden, with a prescription to be filled for a brand new inhaler. Dan’s beyond nervous about this new development, but he saves his breakdown until they get home, where he hopes he can cry in the shower in peace.

Everyone is exhausted and starved by the time they finally make it inside the flat, Phil carrying Jaiden’s tired self inside and taking him straight to the lounge. Luckily, Phil had the foresight to order burgers on the way home, and Dan takes a moment to be relieved that he won’t have to cook. Still, the only thing keeping him from going straight to bed, besides the fact that it’s only about six in the evening, is the nervous energy thrumming in his veins. He tries not to hover around Jaiden too much, knowing it makes him nervous as well, but he almost can’t help it.

This results in Phil all but dragging him into the kitchen, asking the kids to pick out a film while they talk. As soon as they’re in the kitchen, and safe from wandering eyes and little ears, Dan allows a shallow sob to escape him. “Oh, bear,” Phil whispers, his voice dripping in something soft and affectionate. He doesn’t hesitate before pulling Dan into a hug, wrapping his arms around his waist and squeezing, his hands bunching up Dan’s sweater at his hips.

Dan loops his arms around Phil’s shoulders, hiding his face against the pale neck, just a breath away. He tries to control his crying to something quieter, but his body is shaking with it, as Phil tries desperately to quiet him, stroking a hand over his hair in long sweeps. “I was so scared,” Dan gasps through the tears.

“I know,” Phil whispers, his lips brushing against Dan’s ear. Dan can’t repress the shiver the feeling causes. “But Jaiden’s fine. He’s okay, Dan. You did so well, getting him to A&E and everything. I’m so proud of you.” Somewhere in the words of encouragement and comfort, Phil starts pressing kisses to Dan’s jaw, and Dan feels the tingling heat left behind from every brush of his lips. He hates himself for how affected he is by something so stupid.

“If something had happened to him...” Dan starts, shivering at the thought as his stomach lurches with nausea.

Phil tugs his hair gently, pulling Dan’s face away to force steely eye contact. “It didn’t,” he says, his voice quiet but firm. “You got him there in time, and now we know what to do if it happens again. Don’t try to blame yourself for this, Dan.”

“But if-“

Phil shakes his head, cutting him off immediately. “No. You- you’re such a good dad, Dan. Seriously. The way you take care of them, the way you’d do anything for them...” he shakes his head again, something like mystified admiration swirling in the flecks of green in his eyes. “It’s one of the many things I love about you, okay? So just... don’t. You did the best thing for him, and you saved his life.”

Dan’s quiet for a long moment, slowly moving to rest his head back on Phil’s shoulder, pressing his damp face against Phil’s throat. “Okay,” he finally whispers. He presses a fleeting kiss to Phil’s neck, leaving his lips there to feel the way Phil swallows hard.

He’s just about to say something else, his stomach swirling with anxiety about the conversation he knows they need to have, but he’s interrupted by the melodic sound of the doorbell going.

Phil slowly extracts himself from Dan’s arms. “I’ll get it,” he offers, pressing a brief kiss to the corner of Dan’s mouth. “How about you go back to the lounge and make sure the kids picked a good film? I’ll bring the food and drinks up.”

Dan shakes his head, gesturing to the refrigerator. “I’ll get the drinks. I need a moment to... you know, not look like a crying mess,” he says through a wet laugh.

There’s something briefly sad that flickers in Phil’s gaze, and then he’s nodding, brushing a curl out of Dan’s face. “Alright. See you upstairs?”

Dan nods, giving him a small half-smile. Phil gives him a searching look before he finally leaves, headed to retrieve their food from the delivery man. After taking a moment to wipe his eyes and collect himself, Dan heads to the cupboard and grabs five cups, deciding it’s easier to carry them up empty and pour the drinks in when they get settled. Phil beats him to the lounge, and upon climbing the last step, Dan finds him distributing food to each of the kids. Dan pauses to watch the way Phil crouches down to cut Mia’s burger into pieces like she likes it, without her even asking. It warms Dan’s heart to see the way Phil acts with them, and he doesn’t know if that feeling will ever truly fade.

“Ribena okay with everyone?” Dan asks, finally stepping into the room. He’s got the stack of cups tucked into the crook of his elbow, the bottle of Ribena in one hand and the water pitcher in the other.

The kids chorus their agreements, and Dan quirks an eyebrow at Phil as he steps closer to the sofa. “Can you-“ he says, nodding at the glasses in his arm.

“Oh-“ Phil says, jumping to action. He takes the cups, and then the water pitcher, unstacking the cups so Dan can begin pouring.

“What’re we watching, guys?” Dan asks, glancing across the coffee table at the twins, who are sat in the floor, devouring their dinner.

“Kung Fu Panda,” Amelia answers around a bite of hamburger.

Dan’s nose crinkles but he doesn’t correct this behavior, just this once. Phil shoots him a knowing grin, and Dan pretends he doesn’t catch it. They finish pouring the right ratio of Ribena to water, and luckily Dan remembered to grab a long spoon to give them a quick stir. The children are mostly quiet as they eat, already focused on the film, so Dan and Phil quietly retreat to their sofa with their food, falling into a comfortable place beside each other as they eat.

They watch the film with little to no conversation, which Dan easily attributes to the long, exhausting day they’ve had. He can’t even consider staying up past the end of the film, and by the time everyone’s finished eating, there’s more than half an hour left. Dan stacks all the takeaway boxes for an easier disposal, then shifts to sit back on the sofa to wait out the rest of the film. Phil holds his arm out invitingly beside him, and Dan barely sends him a thankful glance before he leans into that comforting warmth.

Phil’s hand rests on his shoulder, his fingers scratching at the material of his jumper absently. Dan sighs. “Okay?” Phil breathes.

“Mhm. Exhausted,” Dan replies.

Phil makes a sympathetic little noise, much like he would to an animal, and Dan feels a fuzzy warmth flood his chest. “Nap for a bit, love. Everything’s fine. I’ll wake you when the film’s over.”

Dan nearly groans with relief at the very idea. “God, you’re actually my favorite human on earth, you know that?” He mumbles, getting comfortable, burrowing in against Phil’s chest, which does a little earthquake against Dan’s cheek.

“I’ll remind you that the next time I borrow some of your cereal,” Phil says, his voice full of quiet amusement.

Dan blinks an eye open at him. “It’s not borrowing if you can’t give it back,” he grouches. He’s not actually ill about it. He never could be, really.

Phil’s lip twitches. “I could regurgitate it to you like a baby bird.” Dan gags, and Phil laughs again.

Before Dan can even begin unpacking that, they’re interrupted by a tiny voice approaching them. It’s probably comical how they both look up at the same time, smiling at their child, who mirrors the expression.

“Can I come cuddle with you guys?” Jaiden asks, holding his latest stuffed dinosaur under his arm.

Dan nods, tugging on the blanket he and Phil’d draped over their laps earlier. “Of course, bubby. Come here.”

Jaiden crawls under the blanket, ending up pressed sort of half-between them, sitting mostly atop Dan’s thighs, with his back leaned against Phil’s chest. Dan bites his tongue on a laugh, sharing a look with Phil, who rolls his eyes. “You comfy, Jai?” Phil asks, rubbing a hand over his frizzy hair.

Nodding, Jaiden snuggles against his chest, digging his feet into one of Dan’s thighs to get situated. Dan winces, his leg twitching automatically. Of course this doesn’t go unnoticed to Phil, who gives him a little smile before gently adjusting Jaiden’s little body on his lap. “Here, bub, move your legs, you’re hurting Daddy.”

“Sorry,” Jaiden mumbles to Dan, half-heartedly paying attention to him. He allows himself to be maneuvered until his legs are hanging over Dan’s lap, Phil’s arm holding him up against his chest. Dan looks at the two of them for a minute, his eyes flickering up to meet Phil’s, something warm fizzing in his chest. Phil meets that gaze with a soft wink, and Dan forces himself to look away.

~~~

When the movie finally ends, Dan offers to carry Jaiden to bed while Phil and Levi clean up the mess from dinner. Amelia, surprisingly energetic for what time it is, offers to help clean. Dan’s glad to have a minute alone, carefully taking the stairs to get to the twins’ room. Jaiden is all but dead to the world, limp and heavier than usual in Dan’s arms. Dan wants to laugh or maybe cry with relief that he’s still here, that this was a minor thing that they now have a solution for. His heart aches at the idea that the day could’ve ended very differently.

Somehow he manages to get Jaiden settled into bed, dinosaur plushy tucked against his side, without so much as a stir. Dan probably takes longer than he should tucking him in, taking a moment to just hover his hand above his mouth to feel the warm puffs of breath, ensuring without a doubt that he’s okay.

That how Amelia and Phil find him a few minutes later, and Dan doesn’t even have the energy to feel embarrassed about it. He catches Phil’s gaze for a second, watching the flicker of fondness before looking away. “C’mon, Mia, into bed,” Dan says quietly, moving over to her bed to tuck her in.

She’s quiet as she settles down, allowing Dan to smooth the blankets over her. When he asks which plushy she wants, she points to her lion, and Dan can’t help but glance over at Phil with a smirk. Rolling his eyes, Phil steps close to him, looping an arm around his shoulders and kissing his head. “Do you need anything else, Mia?”

Amelia shakes her head, but immediately holds her arms out for a hug. Of course Dan obliges at once before scooting away to allow Phil to do the same. “Is Jaiden going to be okay?” She whispers, looking over at her brother with something sad in her eyes.

Dan brushes her hair back gently, offering her a smile. “He’ll be okay, yeah. He’s got an inhaler, and now Dad and I know what to do if it happens again.”

She nods, petting the lion’s fur absently. “Can I get a new toy tomorrow? Since Jai got one?”

Dan tries his best to stifle a laugh, looking pointedly at her bed, almost entirely covered with stuffed animals of various shapes and sizes. “Um...” he trails off, looking to Phil for an answer.

The older man chews his lip in thought before giving him a sheepish shrug. “I mean... personally, I’d want a toy too, if I were her.”

Amelia cheers quietly and Dan rolls his eyes at the absolutely ridiculousness of it all. “You’re both spoiled, I think that’s what I’m hearing.”

Phil kisses Dan’s cheek so softly that Dan barely has time to register it before he’s already pulling away. “Maybe,” he agrees with a quiet smile. “But that’s just as much your fault as mine.”

Dan sighs, helpless. “I can’t even argue with you there.”

There’s a squeeze to his shoulder as Phil giggles, and then that hand slides down to pat his shoulder blade. “C’mon, Dan. It’s past our bedtime.”

Amelia makes a thoughtful face. “Aren’t you adults?” When Dan nods, she sighs, staring up at the ceiling. “When I’m an adult, I won’t have a bedtime.” She sounds wistful.

Dan snorts a quiet laugh before patting her arm gently. “Alright, lovebug. Sweet dreams.” With another kiss to her forehead, he stands, making sure that the night lights are switched on before he leads the way out of their room. He feels Phil’s hand slip into his own as they go, and he squeezes it almost unconsciously.

They’re quiet as they dress in their pajamas and go through their regular nightly routine. Dan’s head is buzzing with thoughts that feel too loud in the silence. He’s honestly not sure how Phil can’t hear them with how they scream, even from where he’s at in the bathroom. Dan tugs on a t-shirt, opting out of pajama bottoms in favor of just his usual pants. Phil comes back into their room and plugs his phone up, settling in his side of bed with a little sigh. When he catches Dan looking at him, he smiles. “Are you tired?”

Dan shrugs, then nods. “Yeah.”

Phil nods knowingly. “I want to talk before we go to sleep,” he says, voice apologetic.

Forcing a nod, Dan steps into the bathroom without a word, brushing his teeth methodically and taking his medicine when he’s finished. He feels anxious and fidgety, his fingers tapping out an uneven rhythm against his thigh as he stalls. He doesn’t want to go to bed, where he knows he’ll have to talk to Phil and explain the events of the day, away from little ears. But he can’t just loiter in the bathroom, so finally he forces himself back into the bedroom and straight into bed.

Phil’s sat up, watching Dan climb into bed. It’s not as if they never look at each other but something about Phil’s unwavering gaze crawls under his skin, making him feel hot and something like embarrassed.

Phil doesn’t let him feel it for long.

“Come here,” he whispers, holding his arms out for Dan to snuggle into. Dan goes willingly, his eyes already leaking with tears that he didn’t even know he had left to cry. “Shh, shh. You’re okay. Everything’s fine, love.”

“I...” he hesitates. But he wants to say this, for both of them. “I want to tell you what happened at the park.”

Phil makes a weak noise. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” he assures Dan quietly. “I know... I know that was hard for you. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

Dan shakes his head, leaning away from Phil. He can’t help but feel trapped in his arms, at least for now. “Not just the asthma attack. I, um...” he’s not sure why but he briefly considers sharing the phone call with his mum. That’s absolutely, one hundred percent off limits. At least for now. “I had a conversation with Jaiden, before, and I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“Okay...” Phil says slowly. He seems to realize that this means a lot to Dan, even without knowing what it is. He hesitates before dropping his hand to Dan’s thigh, his thumb stroking gently over the bare skin. “I’m listening,” he says softly.

Dan takes a deep breath, then begins to speak.

~~~

Dan tells him everything. He tells him how his heart hurt when Jaiden said he wished that he was biologically theirs. He tells him his fear of losing these children, of having to give them up to someone else, even if it is a better life. He talks about how his heart stopped when Amelia told him what happened to Jaiden, how fast it started beating when he found Jaiden on the ground, gasping for breath. He tells him how it felt to hear Jaiden cry the entire drive to A&E.

Phil listens intently, and doesn’t interrupt a single time. He strokes a hand over Dan’s thigh, eventually moving on to stroke his hair after gathering Dan up in his arms. When Dan cries, Phil makes soft, comforting noises in the back of his throat, wiping at the wetness pooled beneath Dan’s eyes with gentle fingertips. When Dan is finished speaking, he tucks his face into Phil’s neck, sniffling. Phil is quiet for a long time.

When he speaks, it’s not what Dan’s expecting to hear. “What would you do if they weren’t with us?” Dan makes a confused noise, and Phil clears his throat. “I... like, if they leave. How... how is that going to change our... situation?”

Dan always tries, really tries, not to let the idea of losing their little family get to him. He keeps it as far from the front of his mind as possible, and Phil has to know that by now. But even Dan has the sense to know that things can’t just stay this way forever, not really. So he forces himself to actually think about a life without the kids.

A life where they don’t have three children to feed, to read bedtime stories to, or watch movies with. A life without the sound of little feet thundering upstairs, and without the nightly cuddles Dan has become so very attached to. A life with empty bedrooms, an empty dining table, an empty flat.

A life that Phil will likely no longer feel the need to be a permanent part of, now that he’s experienced it and realizes just how hard it is to be a parent. A life where Phil sleeps in the guest room, and eventually moves out-because of course he actually does want a real family, and a real partner, rather than this game of house Dan’s given him.

A life where Dan has to cope with the idea, alone, that this- this life they have now, is the happiest he’s ever been in his whole life, because he’s sharing it with the man he’s never really fallen out of love with.

And that life mocks him from afar, a creeping spectator from the shadows in the corner, because he’s weak. He’s weak and will probably never have the guts to tell Phil the truth, not really.

So instead of saying any of that, Dan clears his throat, shifting out of Phil’s embrace. “I don’t know,” he whispers hoarsely.

Phil has something devastating in his eyes, something Dan can’t name, but he nods slowly. “Well... maybe we need to start thinking about that.”

Dan’s breath catches and it takes him a moment to speak but when he does, it’s to the sheets, unable to meet Phil’s eyes. “They’re my kids, Phil. In every way that matters, this- you guys are my whole world now. I don’t... I don’t know what I’m supposed to do if they ever get taken away.” The “I don’t know how to live without this, without you,” is unspoken.

Phil kisses his hair. He’s quiet for a while, and finally he sighs. “I know, bear. I feel the same way.”

Dan chews on his lip, thoughtful. “What did you think about what Hazel said earlier?” His heart pounds as he waits for Phil to say something, anything that might make his heart hurt less.

“I think... that we need to think about that some more.” His words are slow, careful. Dan nearly cringes away. Phil continues, unaware. “That’s a very permanent decision, Daniel. And...” Phil’s voice trails off, and Dan swallows a sob.

“I guess we’re not really permanent, are we?” Dan asks, almost bitterly. Not even almost- he’s actually very bitter about it- about all of this. He rolls until he’s laying on his back, staring up at the ceiling, gripping at his chest and begging for his heart to stop hurting.

“That’s not what I said,” Phil says softly, something like hurt in his voice. The mattress dips and suddenly a weight is on Dan’s chest and soft black hair is tickling his chin. Phil’s arms wrap around Dan’s waist and Dan takes a deep, steadying breath to calm his emotions. “You’re always going to be my best friend, Dan.” Phil whispers.

Dan can feel tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, but he tries desperately to blink them away as his arms come up to wrap around Phil’s waist. It’s one of the more compromising positions they’ve found themselves in, and as they settle into it, Phil’s thigh slips between Dan’s legs. When they’ve finally settled, Dan’s got a leg wrapped around one of Phil’s, and they’ve somehow both gotten their hands underneath each other’s shirts. It’s nice, Dan decides. “You’re mine too,” Dan says softly, his voice breaking.

Phil kisses his chest, a lingering, gentle thing. “You know why that’s important to me, right?” When Dan makes a humming noise in response, Phil nuzzles into his neck. He places one soft kiss to Dan’s jaw and then sighs. “You’re my favorite person, Dan. And that won’t ever change. But... doing this... adopting the kids, that’s big. That’s, you know...”

“More than you bargained for?” Dan interrupts, his voice irritated.

Phil makes a disagreeing noise. “No, Dan. This could never be anything less than exactly what I want. But we need to be on the same page about what we want. And right now... I don’t know if we are. And I think you should think about that more before we make a decision like this.”

Dan forces himself to steady his breathing. “Okay,” he whispers, his voice small.

The silence in the bedroom presses down on them, and Dan can’t find the words to dig their way out from under it. So instead he lies there, cheek pressed to Phil’s temple, struggling to breathe under the weight of what feels like the end of everything.

~~~

Sunday morning dawns cloudy and grey, like the weather decided to mirror Dan’s mood in whatever way it could. He stares at the ceiling, his heart heavy in his chest as he wonders whether or not today is going to be a bad day. He doesn’t hear steady breathing next to him like he does most mornings, and when his hand makes the journey across the sheets, they’re already chilled. Dan closes his eyes, picturing Phil getting their coffee ready for the morning. The thought very nearly makes him cry.

Determined to be a good parent and a good partner for the day, Dan forces himself out of bed and makes his way to the bathroom. He’s so lost in his head that he doesn’t process the sound of the shower turning off, or the fact that the door is almost shut. His brain wakes up a little when he walks into a room full of steam.

He hears a squeak of surprise and his attention is jerked to the side, where Phil is stepping out of the shower. Naked. “Jesus, Dan!” He says with a breathy laugh. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

Dan’s sure his whole face is flushed red. He tries to look elsewhere, but when he sees Phil turn and reach for a towel, his eyes wander. It’s not the first time he’s seen him naked, but it’s the first time he’s seen him naked knowing what he knows about himself now. “I- you weren’t- I didn’t mean to-“ Dan stutters, trying to tear his eyes away from Phil’s perfect ass.

“It’s okay,” Phil says warmly. He finally wraps a towel around his waist, but his lip twitches with something like a smirk. The butterflies in Dan’s stomach are having a riot. “Did you need something?”

Something about the question, the reminder that Dan is intruding on Phil’s personal space, sets Dan’s head back into orbit. “No, um- sorry, I’ll go.”

Just as he’s turning around to do just that, he hears Phil make a small noise. “I don’t mind,” he says quietly.

Dan freezes. “What?” He asks, turning to face him.

Phil avoids his eyes, turning to the mirror to apply his face moisturizer. “I said I don’t mind. Like, it doesn’t bother me for you to be in here with me.”

“While you’re- you were-“ Dan has no idea what words he needs. He’s barely processed the fact that he saw his best friend’s dick, knowing that said best friend is also the person he’s in love with.

Phil looks straight into his eyes and nods. “I know.” He pauses, turning away to pat his hands dry. “You can stay in here, if you want.” It’s almost conversational, how he says it, gesturing for Dan to get on with his morning routine if he wants.

Dan feels like his brain is short-circuiting just a little bit. “I...”

Before he can finish whatever dim-witted sentence he had in store, Phil reaches down, untucking the towel from around his waist. He meets Dan’s gaze in the mirror, for just a second, before he reaches for the clothes that Dan is just noticing sat on the counter.

Dan can’t do it. He’s borderline hyperventilating, and his skin feels so hot he thinks it might melt right off his skeleton. And he can’t do this. It’s an open invitation, one with so many implications, but he can’t. He just can’t.

“I’ll go... um, make coffee,” he stutters out uselessly before scurrying out of the room. He doesn’t wait to see or hear Phil’s reaction.

~~~

Dan’s stirring milk and sugar into a Hello Kitty mug, going through the motions with little awareness of them. He’s completely on autopilot, preparing two cups of coffee like he does most mornings, leaving Phil’s on the table as he goes to stand out on the balcony. He just needs a moment of fresh- well, fresh enough- air to try and process what almost happened in the bathroom.

He’s known for years how attractive Phil is, and realizing he’s been in love with him this whole time has only exacerbated how attracted Dan is to him. Seeing him freshly showered and naked less than five minutes after waking up sent Dan’s brain into very dangerous territory, and just reliving the encounter now is causing his trousers to tighten. He takes a few deep breaths, focusing on the way he can see his own breath in the November cold rather than focusing on the fact that he’s got a very embarrassing problem going on in his pants.

Whatever chance he had at calming down is ripped away with the sound of the balcony door being pushed open. Dan startles, but sips his coffee and continues looking over the balcony rather than turn around. Just to be safe.

“Dan, why’re you out here without a coat? It’s freezing,” Phil chastises, his voice holding absolutely none of the turmoil Dan is feeling at the moment. Either Phil really was unaffected or he’s just very good at hiding it. Either way, it’s quite inconvenient.

“‘M not cold,” Dan mumbles, holding his coffee mug close to his chest.

“Sure,” Phil says after a beat, clearly disbelieving. There’s the sound of the door opening again, and Dan assumes Phil’s decided not to entertain his bullshit this morning. Dan’s not sure whether he should feel relieved or not.

Suddenly the door opens again and a moment later, Dan feels something soft and heavy being draped over his shoulders. “Here,” Phil says softly, running his hands up and down Dan’s arms to warm him. “I don’t want you catching a cold out here.” He presses a kiss to the back of Dan’s head, his hand ruffling through the curls for a moment before he steps beside him.

Dan nods. “Thanks,” he mumbles. He’s still reeling, mind flooded with images of droplets sliding down pale skin, fogged up mirrors-

“Are you okay? You’re breathing funny.” Phil is saying, his voice barely reaching Dan through the haze. Dan feels the way Phil’s hand wraps around his arm, but everything is still fuzzy. “Dan?”

“I’m fine,” he mumbles, gently pulling away from Phil’s grip. “I need to get dressed.”

Phil gives him an odd look, his hand hovering in the air between them like he’s attached to Dan by some invisible string. “Oh... okay?”

Dan doesn’t look back at him before he disappears back into the flat.

~~~

When Dan finally re-emerges from their bedroom, Phil is standing in the kitchen, phone pressed to his ear. Dan’s clearly coming in on the tail-end of the conversation, and he pretends to busy himself with making toast so he doesn’t look like he’s eavesdropping.

“Right, sure. I can meet you in, like, half an hour?” Phil is saying, pulling his phone away briefly to glance at the time. Whoever he’s speaking to must agree, because then he’s saying his goodbyes and hanging up. He taps on his phone briefly before sliding it into his pocket and looking over at Dan. Dan avoids his eyes. “I was going to make some pancakes,” Phil says mildly.

Dan shrugs one shoulder, staring at the toaster as he waits for the bread to pop up. “‘S fine. Who was that?” He asks, nodding in Phil’s general direction.

“Martyn, he wants to meet up. Evan is sick and I think Cornelia is sick of Mar hovering,” Phil says, snorting a laugh.

Dan tries to force himself to act like he isn’t bothered. “Are you sure it’s a good idea to hang out with Martyn? If Evan is sick and contagious, we could end up with a houseful of sick kids ourselves, and we don’t really need that right now.” His voice has an edge to it that he really wishes he could get rid of.

Phil is giving him an odd look when Dan risks a glance at him. “I think it’ll be fine. Evan just barely has a fever, if anything I think Cornelia just wanted to have an excuse to get Martyn out of the house for the day.”

The toast finally pops out of the toaster, giving Dan something to focus on that isn’t the building emotion in his chest. He shrugs, mumbling, “whatever,” and plating up his toast. He spares another glance over at Phil, who’s watching him closely. “If you’re meeting him so soon you should probably go.”

“Right,” Phil says, searching Dan’s face. Dan turns away, petulant. Phil huffs a noise somewhere between a snort and a sigh before leaving the kitchen.

Dan busies himself with smoothing his almond butter on one slice of the toast, and finds he’s spread Phil’s favorite strawberry jam over the other, just out of habit. He huffs a breath out of his nose, beyond annoyed at himself and forcing away the little bubble of warmth that’s trying to remind him that he’s not actually upset with Phil. It’s hard to remember that, though, when Phil comes in a few minutes later, wearing his denim button-up and glasses, looking the picture of ease while Dan is still feeling raw on the inside from the events of the day before.

“Here,” Dan mumbles, shoving the Nutella toast over to him and turning away to nibble on his own. He pretends to watch the pigeons, only to realize after a moment of staring that the balcony is empty.

“You made me toast too?” Phil asks, sounding soft and surprised.

Dan shrugs. He glances over at Phil, who already has a big corner bite taken out of the bread, cheeks puffed out as he chews. “Yeah,” he murmurs.

“Thanks,” Phil says once he’s swallowed. He licks a bit of Nutella off his thumb and Dan forces himself to look away, feeling his face heat up. They’re quiet while they finish eating their toast, but then they’re both done and Phil is clearing his throat. “I’ll be back in a few hours. Do you need anything while I’m out?”

The reminder that Phil is leaving sours Dan’s mood all over again. He turns away, turning the tap on just to hear something other than his own bitter thoughts. He shrugs, then shakes his head, silent. Phil sighs, and Dan tenses a little when he feels him press close to his side.

“Are you upset with me?” Phil asks, voice quiet but undeniably hurt.

Dan is, of course. He doesn’t even know why, really. His emotions are frazzled and fried and he doesn’t know what to do or say, so he shakes his head again, denying it.

There’s a brief pause and then Phil lets out another sigh, this time more impatient. “Okay,” he says, his voice tight. He leans in, and his lips barely brush Dan’s forehead before Dan turns away, the kiss falling where his hair meets his temple. Phil makes a wounded noise, and Dan closes his eyes, gripping the counter as he waits for the reprimand, or the fight, that he knows is coming. “I’ll see you later,” Phil murmurs to him, pressing his lips to Dan’s hair gently before turning to leave.

Dan listens to the tell-tale sound of Phil’s feet clomping down the hall and then the sound of him struggling to get his shoes on. Finally there’s the sound of keys jostling, and then the door closing gently, probably out of respect for the sleeping members of the house and not Dan. Still, he pretends they’re not in a fight, pretends that they’d had a nice breakfast together and had their usual affectionate goodbyes.

Somehow, this pretend doesn’t make up for the reality.

~~~

A day filled with spending quality time with his children is a remedy like no other. Dan still feels the ache somewhere in his chest, and the Phil-shaped absence in his day does hurt when he lets himself think too much about it. Still, spending most of the morning snuggling with Jaiden and watching movies heals him a little. Levi even sticks around, lounging at the other end of the sofa with Amelia tucked against his side. The soft family vibes of it all nearly brings Dan to tears, but he manages to keep himself under control.

At some point he gets a text from Phil saying that he’d be spending more of the day with Martyn than he realized. Dan frowns down at his screen, tilting it away from any curious little eyes.

Phil: Hey, Mar wants to do some early Christmas shopping for mum and dad while we’re out. Won’t be home until later.

Dan: it’s literally November?

Phil: Yeah, well. We don’t hang out as often anymore. It’ll be good to get it out of the way now.

Dan: fine, whatever

Phil: Kids okay?

Dan: yes.

Phil: Need anything?

Dan: guess not.

Phil: Okay. Love you guys.

Dan reads over this several times before locking his phone and sliding it under his thigh and out of view. That word shouldn’t send his heart racing the way it does, certainly not within the context. He knows what Phil meant. There’s no reason for him to have other feelings about it. No reason for him to mouth the words to himself, allowing his body to feel like they’re just for him.

“Daddy can we play Mario Kart?” A sweet voice calls from the other end of the sofa.

Dan turns a smile towards Amelia, shrugging. “That’s fine with me. Need help setting it up?”

Amelia shakes her head and pats Levi’s arm repeatedly, gesturing for him to do it. The teenager rolls his eyes but complies, sending Dan a smile when their eyes meet. “Will you play with us?” Amelia asks, scooting to sit in Levi’s spot against the corner of the sofa.

“Mm, I dunno,” Dan says warily. He does get a bit competitive with the game, and he can’t afford to keep swearing around them, not with the new swear jar.

“Please?” Jaiden asks, tilting his head to give Dan the most illegal pair of puppy dog eyes that he’s ever seen.

Dan sucks his teeth, contemplating. “Okay, how about this? You guys play a few rounds, and whoever the winner is has to play me. Deal?”

Amelia claps, nodding eagerly. “Yes!”

Levi brings over the controllers, handing one to each of the twins. Dan realizes then that he’s only retrieved two of them from the gaming cabinet. When Dan gives him a puzzled look, he shrugs, rubbing the back of his neck. “I have some homework to get done, so...”

“Oh,” Dan says, a little disappointed that their family bonding time will be cut short. “Of course, yeah, that’s fine.”

Levi hesitates, scratching his collarbones, a nervous tic Dan’s noticed. “I could do it in here?” He suggests, sounding more like a question than anything else.

“You wouldn’t be too distracted?” Dan asks, glancing at where the twins have already started arguing about something.

“No,” Levi says, shaking his head fondly at his siblings. “I’ve got earbuds anyway, so it won’t be too distracting.”

Dan nods then, smiling. “Great! I’ll try to keep them quiet.”

Levi’s mouth quirks into a smile and he disappears to his room to retrieve his laptop and books. Dan leans back into the corner of the sofa and watches the twins, a blanket of calm settling over him. This is exactly the sort of day he wanted after the trauma of yesterday, although he still feels the tugging in his chest at Phil’s absence. He doesn’t see that going away anytime soon, so instead of dwelling on it, he immerses himself in enjoying this day with his kids.

~~~

By the time Dan hears the front door opening, he’s putting dinner away and listening for any sounds of distress coming from the bathroom where Jaiden is supposed to be taking a bath. It’s only because he’s listening so hard that he even hears the quiet click of the door being re-locked, and his hands fumble with the Tupperware bowl. He forces himself not to look up towards the sound of approaching footsteps, a hard feat since he’s been desperate to see Phil since the minute he’d walked out the door this morning. Another part of him, however, is more concerned with the fact that their conversation from earlier is still very much unresolved. Just thinking about how they’d parted ways this morning sours his mood, and he drops the stir-fry pan into the sink a little too harshly.

“Hey,” Phil says as he walks into the kitchen, shrugging his jacket off. He drapes it over a chair at the table before coming around the counter to join Dan. “I take it I missed dinner?” He asks, cautious.

“The kids were tired. I thought an early night was best,” Dan mutters, washing his hands and reaching for the towel without looking at Phil. “I put some away in a box for you. It’s in the fridge,” Dan gestures mildly with the hand towel before turning around, intending on going to check on the kids.

“Oh... thanks.” Phil drums his fingers on the counter. “Dan?”

Dan sighs, but drags his feet to a stop, closing his eyes briefly to prepare himself for whatever argument they’re about to have. He turns around, dragging his eyes over Phil’s face. “Yeah?” His voice is strained, even to his ears.

“I, um...” Phil starts, stumbling to a stop. “Are the kids in bed already?”

Something about his voice doesn’t sound right, like that’s not the question he’d wanted to ask, but Dan doesn’t mention it. “Mia is. Jai’s in the bath, and I think Levi is FaceTiming with Charlotte.”

Phil nods, glancing out at the balcony before looking over at Dan. “Okay. I’ll just, uh... eat dinner and um...”

“I’ll get Jaiden out of the bath. You can tell them goodnight when you’re done.” Everything they say to each other feels scripted. Dan hates it.

“Right. Okay.” Phil looks down, the silence in the room suddenly overwhelming.

Dan feels incredibly awkward standing there, so he does what he does best. He leaves.

~~~

After tucking Jaiden into bed and giving another round of hugs and kisses and ‘goodnight, I love you’s to the twins, Dan heads to his own bedroom. He can hear the sound of Phil watching something on his phone while he eats, and Dan closes the bedroom door behind himself for some privacy. He sends Levi a text reminding him not to stay up too late since it’s a school night, and when he’s finally alone and free of parental responsibility, he allows himself to fall apart.

Dan really doesn’t even realize he’s in need of a good cry until tears are streaking down his face, his breaths coming out shallow and quick. He wipes furiously at his eyes, pressing his fingers against his tear ducts until it hurts. He’s weak, he’s so weak, if he falls apart so easily just when he has a row with his partner. His co-parenting partner, his mind reminds him traitorously. There’s no other context that word fits into within their current dynamic, and he needs to remind himself of that before he loses it entirely.

The sound of the bedroom door opening jolts him out of his bubble of self-loathing. He turns away from Phil, swiping at his cheeks and trying to stifle his sniffles. He clears his throat twice, begging his body to get a grip and suck it up.

“Dan?” Phil’s voice calls softly, the mattress dipping on the other side of the bed. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Dan flinches at the feeling of fingers tracing gently down his arm. “Nothing,” he croaks, swiping his phone off the bed and connecting it to the plug. It’s something to keep his hands busy, but it doesn’t last forever, obviously, and then he’s left sat there, dreading the moment when he has to turn and face Phil.

“Bullshit,” Phil snorts, not unkindly. “I’ve known you for ten years, Dan. I can tell when you’re crying.”

“‘M not,” Dan protests, uselessly.

The bed shifts as Phil moves, and Dan’s breath catches when Phil’s knees bracket his hips, his arms wrapping around Dan’s shoulders in a warm embrace as he presses his chest to Dan’s back. “Babe, talk to me.”

A sob escapes Dan’s throat at the pet name. He can’t do this anymore. He can’t, he can’t, he can’t.

“Dan?” Phil sounds panicked.

“I want it to be real,” Dan confesses, squeezing Phil’s arms so tightly he’s sure that he’ll leave bruises.

“What?” Phil asks, his voice colored in confusion. “Want what to be real?”

“All of it,” Dan whispers. “This, the family, all of it.”

He feels Phil gulp behind him, his Adam’s apple brushing against Dan’s shoulder. “It is real, Dan.” He sounds uncertain.

“Not like I want it to be,” Dan says, scornful.

Phil’s quiet for a moment. “I’m not sure I know what you mean,” he admits. His voice sounds high and different though, making Dan wonder if he does.

And fuck, that’s really not something he can handle right now. Maybe not ever. “Nevermind,” he mumbles, gently prying Phil’s arms away from him.

“Wait, Dan,” Phil says, gripping Dan’s wrist.

Dan shrugs out of his grip. “Just stop,” he says. He wipes his nose on his sleeve, giving Phil half a glance. “I’m gonna go take a shower.”

He leaves Phil staring after him as he goes into the bathroom, stripping down to his pants and turning on the tap. He’s waiting for the water to warm up, taking deep breaths to calm himself, when the door opens. He’s so sick of jumping every time a door opens, honestly.

“Dan-“ Phil starts, reaching for him as soon as he’s in reaching distance.

It’s then that Dan realizes he’s just stood there, nothing covering him other than his black Calvins, worn out with time and wear. “Why are you in here?” He demands, trying to decide between crossing his arms to cover his hardening nipples, or clasping his hands to cover the bulge in his pants.

Phil shrugs carelessly. Dan doesn’t think he imagines the way Phil’s eyes flick up and down, checking him out. “It’s my bathroom too,” Phil says flippantly.

“Well yeah, but I was about to shower,” Dan snaps, the defensive tone coloring his voice.

Phil definitely checks him out this time, his eyes dragging a slow trail down Dan’s mostly naked body. “Go ahead,” Phil says, gesturing. “I’ll wait.”

Dan definitely can’t do that. He shivers at the implication and hopes that he can pass it off as a reaction to the chill in the air. He thinks Phil might be joking, but when he just crosses his arms and leans back against the sink, Dan knows he’s being serious. “You’re being a dick,” Dan snaps, grabbing his shirt and tugging it back over his head. He’s not going to be forced into this conversation, not when he feels so vulnerable, literally only a scrap of fabric away from being naked under Phil’s gaze.

“Dan, wait,” Phil says, grabbing his arm when Dan brushes past him to leave.

“Fuck off,” Dan spits, angry when he realizes that he’s crying again.

Phil gently strokes a hand down Dan’s side, his other hand coming up to cup Dan’s neck. “Hey. I’m sorry.” His voice is soft, and that just makes Dan cry harder. “I’m not trying to be a dick. But you won’t talk to me.”

“Yeah? Well being a twat isn’t winning you any favors,” Dan says, avoiding Phil’s eyes as he wipes at his own.

Phil sighs. “Why are you so cross with me today?”

“I’m not.”

“Dan.”

There’s a beat of silence, and when Dan squirms, Phil tightens his grip. Dan hates that he likes it. “Fine,” he says in a quick breath. He raises his gaze, staring Phil square in the face. “You left today.”

Phil looks caught off guard. “I... yeah, Martyn wanted to see me.”

“Yeah,” Dan snorts. “And yesterday our son almost died.” He levels Phil with a look, begging him to get the hint.

“I...” Phil starts, clearly at a loss for what to say. “I’m sorry.” He tugs Dan to his chest, hugging him tightly.

And for some reason, that does it. Dan’s attempts at drying his stupid over-productive tear ducts are futile, and the flood gates open again. Phil shushes him gently, stroking the back of Dan’s head in soft, gentle sweeps. Dan just keeps crying, his body shaking against Phil’s.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Phil is mumbling, pressing kisses to his hair.

“I really needed you here today,” Dan says, wiping his nose unashamedly against Phil’s t-shirt. “It sucked, being here alone with them, thinking that any minute something might happen and you wouldn’t even be here.”

Phil squeezes his hip harder. “I know. I’m sorry, Dan, really. I wasn’t thinking. Or I guess I just thought...” he trails off, but Dan doesn’t offer him an out. He wants to know what Phil thought. “I thought that, you know, after this morning... you wanted some space.”

It takes Dan a moment to place what he means. He flushes as soon as he remembers, as images of Phil, naked and dripping from a shower, flood his brain immediately. He shifts his hips away from Phil’s just a bit, hoping he’s subtle about it. It’s actually a good point, as far as Phil’s stupid anxiety-ridden logic is usually concerned, but that doesn’t mean it was right. “I needed you here. The kids needed you here.”

“I know, I just-“

Dan pulls away enough to look at him. “No, obviously you didn’t. Because you left.”

Phil’s shoulders sag, and Dan can tell he’s disappointed in himself. “You’re right. Of course you are.”

He gives it a moment, and then Dan leans his head back on Phil’s shoulder. “Please don’t run away like that again,” he whispers.

Phil tightens his grip on Dan’s hips. “I won’t. I want to be there for you, and for them.”

Dan doesn’t think Phil realizes what he actually meant, and he’s too emotionally raw to correct him. He tilts his chin, pressing a kiss to Phil’s throat. Phil shivers, and fuck, Dan should probably keep his distance. They’re clearly just touch-starved and desperate for some sort of sexual release, something that Dan knows they don’t share with each other, even as much as he wants to. He’s thinking this, and regretting all the times he’s not said what he felt, when Phil cups his cheek, nudging his face just so and-

And kisses him. Phil kisses him so softly, like Dan’s never been kissed before. Dan can’t help but gasp a little, his hand coming up to hold Phil’s wrist. His eyes slip closed as Phil strokes across his cheekbone, kissing Dan again and again, each time their lips meet better than the last. He loves this. He loves the way Phil’s mouth tastes, something sugary mixed with a hint of the coffee he drinks every evening, despite Dan’s warnings of sleep deprivation. He loves the way Phil’s hands are so gentle as they touch him, the hand on his hip currently traveling towards his bum, touching lightly, reverently. He loves the way he can feel Phil’s heart beating against his own chest from where they’re pressed so tightly together, and Dan can’t help but wish they were wearing less clothes. And he especially loves the way it sounds, the quiet smacking of their lips echoing in the room, louder even than the water Dan left running.

This must be what drags Dan out of this incredible moment, the reminder that he’s left the water running and has a shower to take. He pulls away, blood thrumming and heart leaping when Phil chases his lips. He surveys him, staring at Phil’s cherry red, spit-slick mouth and Dan decides that he wants to devour him. But first, he really does need that shower. “I need to take a shower,” he says dumbly.

Phil looks scandalized. “Er, right. Okay.” He clears his throat, bringing a hand up to wipe his mouth. His cheeks are flushed, and Dan can’t decide if it’s from the heat of the bathroom or the kissing.

They stare at each other for a second and Phil quirks an eyebrow. “Is there something on my face?” He says, wiping nervously at nothing.

Dan can’t help it. He leans forward, pressing kisses all over Phil’s cute little face. “Nope,” he mumbles.

Phil giggles uncontrollably, and Dan shivers as he feels Phil’s hands pushing underneath his shirt. He’s grinning too, enough that he’s really not even kissing Phil’s face anymore, just dragging his lips across his jaw before forcing himself to pull away. Phil’s laughter dies out and he’s stood staring at Dan with something too warm, too intimate, in his eyes. Dan leans in and kisses him again, amazed at the fact that Phil seems to want this, at least for now. He grabs Phil’s wrist under his shirt and guides his hand over to a nipple, encouraging Phil to touch him. He’s over pretending like this isn’t exactly what he wants.

“You know,” Phil says conversationally as he trails kisses down Dan’s neck. “You’re even better at this than I thought you’d be.”

Dan can’t help but preen at the compliment. “Yeah?” He asks shyly.

“Yeah,” Phil says, blowing a breath against Dan’s neck before sucking gently. Dan shivers. “Can I...” Phil trails off, his fingertips dipping into the waistband of Dan’s pants.

“What?” Dan asks, eager to hear the end of that question.

Phil pulls away and looks at him with something vulnerable in his eyes. “Can I touch you?”

Dan closes his eyes and nods quickly. He’s afraid if he doesn’t give his consent immediately, Phil might change his mind. “Fuck yeah. Yes.”

“Okay,” Phil says, smiling at him, a little nervous twitch to his lips. “I haven’t done this in a while, so you might have to give me a second to get it right,” he says. Dan’s about to ask what exactly he hasn’t done in a while when Phil drops to his knees.

Dan stops breathing. “Fuck,” he whimpers, heart racing. He never, in a million years, thought he’d ever see this. Phil kneeling in front of him, rubbing Dan gently through his briefs, looking up at Dan for reassurance. “Yeah,” Dan says uselessly. He’s shaking a little, he realizes when he reaches forward to push Phil’s hair out of his face. Doing something he does all the time, but in this context, makes it so incredibly hot that Dan can hardly stand it.

“Hey,” Phil says softly, reaching up and grabbing Dan’s hand. “We don’t have to, I can-“

“No!” Dan says, too quickly. Phil smirks at him. “I mean,” Dan says, clearing his throat. “I want you to, I’m just...” He flaps his hand in some awkward non-explanation of how he’s feeling. “Nervous,” he supplies when Phil just tilts his head at him.

Phil smiles, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to Dan’s stomach, right below his navel. “It’s just me. I’m not scary, am I?” He looks up at Dan through his eyelashes as he kisses down, his final kiss pressed against the base of Dan’s cock through the fabric.

Dan takes a deep breath. “Fucking terrifying,” he says.

Phil presses his giggles against Dan’s tummy and Dan’s muscles tighten nervously. It’s been so long since someone’s touched him like this, he’s a little terrified among all the exhilaration of it. But Phil knows him better than any other person on earth, and he knows exactly what Dan needs. He reaches up and tangles their fingers together, bringing Dan’s hands to rest in his hair. Phil watches him as he gently guides Dan’s hands to stroke his hair, his face melting into something soft when Dan relaxes.

“There we go,” Phil says quietly. “Are you alright?”

Dan nods, his hands still petting Phil’s hair even when Phil’s hands drop to rest on Dan’s hips. “Yeah, I’m good.”

Phil smiles at him. “Good.” He ducks his head and begins sucking lightly at Dan’s cock through the fabric, and Dan stifles a groan and his thighs shake. He’s so hard already, and Phil’s barely touched him. He genuinely doesn’t know how he’s going to be able to stand it when Phil takes his cock out to properly blow him, which is where Dan’s pretty sure this is going. Phil pulls away and tugs lightly at Dan’s pants. “Ready?” He says.

Dan loves him for triple-checking. He opens his mouth to tell Phil to do it already, he consents, he wants this so bad-

He hears a voice in the other room.

“Daddy?”

Both of them freeze, staring at each other with matching looks of terror. They wait, as if to see if their child is going to leave. It barely takes a minute before they hear a knock at the bathroom door. “Dad?” Jaiden calls again.

“Shit,” Dan hisses, pushing at Phil’s head, yanking at his t-shirt to get him to stand. “Fuck, god fucking dammit,” he mutters, heart racing for entirely all the wrong reasons.

“Shh,” Phil shushes him, turning to check his hair in the mirror, his hands trembling. “Just a sec, Jai!”

“Phil!” Dan protests, covering himself. “I don’t- I can’t go out there like this!” He whisper-shouts.

“Relax, I’ll go take care of him,” Phil says, turning around to face Dan. He smirks as he glances down at Dan’s little problem, and Dan wants to throttle him. “You should probably take care of that,” he says, gesturing to Dan’s crotch.

Dan’s face feels like it’s on fire. “God. Yeah, okay. I’ll uh... take a shower.”

Phil nods, biting his lip, no doubt hiding a laugh. “Right,” he says.

“Hello?” Jaiden calls outside the bathroom door, sounding exasperated. “Dan? Phil? Somebody?”

Dan has to giggle at this, and Phil bursts into laughter. “Go, go,” Dan says, pushing Phil towards the door. “I’ll be out in a bit.”

Phil stops at the door and twists around just enough that he can press a kiss to Dan’s forehead. “Okay,” he says, letting out a breath, his eyes looking a little wild. Their son has started knocking at the door now, so Phil rolls his eyes before gripping the doorknob. “Right, I’m going,” he says, still casting one last glance over at Dan before opening the door and slipping out.

Before the door closes, Dan hears Jaiden questioning him. “What took so long? Where’s daddy?”

Dan doesn’t hear all of Phil’s response before he shuts the door, and half of Dan is relieved that their child won’t be traumatized by seeing him like this. The other half of him is hysterical that Phil is the one who has to deal with lying to their child who almost caught them in a very compromising position.

Now that he’s alone, Dan gives himself a moment to reflect on everything that just happened. He made out with his best friend. That’s fine. They’ve kissed before, although Dan was obviously still in denial about what that meant to both of them. Even bigger than that, in so many ways, is the fact that Phil was about to suck his dick. He literally felt Phil’s mouth against his cock, and if they hadn’t been interrupted, he would have felt Phil’s mouth in a place he’s never felt it. He almost can’t wrap his head around it, but he’s still hard as he steps into the stream of the shower, and he can wrap his head, or his hand, around that problem.

He jerks himself off fast and hard, his mind flooded with images of Phil, Phil, Phil. He’s breathing hard and nearly choking on the steam of the water and then it’s over all too soon, all the evidence washed down the drain. Relief washes over him in waves, and for the first time in a long time, it’s not accompanied by guilt. He wasn’t a perfect man, and of course over the last few weeks he’s wanked to the thought of Phil, and every time he’s been encompassed in such guilt that he’d swear he would never do it again.

It’s impossibly relieving to not have that guilt accompany what he thinks is his best wank in months.

He washes his hair and body quickly after that, desperate to crawl into bed with Phil and talk about all of this. This day has been an absolute whirlwind of emotions but now his heart is set on clearing things up and putting his truth out there on the table. It’s terrifying to think about, absolutely nerve wracking to rehearse the words in his head as he towels himself dry and slips on some pajamas.

“I’m in love with you,” he mouths to himself in the mirror. His lips keep quirking up, making his words look almost fake as he repeats the sentiment again and again. He feels giddy, borderline deranged with excitement, as he brushes his teeth and forces down his nightly pill.

Dan’s so excited and nervous that he somehow forgets that they were very much interrupted by one of their children earlier, and it doesn’t cross his mind until he steps out of the bathroom that there might have been something wrong.

“Uh, hi,” he says dumbly, surveying the scene in front of him.

Phil and Jaiden both glance up from where they’re laying snuggled together in the bed, a book propped open in Phil’s lap as he reads quietly. Jaiden looks sleepy and adorable as he waves his little hand at Dan, and Phil looks only a little apologetic. “Hi,” Phil says with a smile.

“What’s going on here?” Dan asks, propping his hands on his hips.

Jaiden flushes, burrowing down and tugging the duvet up to his chin. “I had a bad dream. Dad said I could stay in here tonight.”

Dan glances up and Phil shrugs. He mouths, “I’m sorry,” but Dan waves him off.

“Of course, buddy. Do you need a plushy or anything from your room?” Dan asks, going to turn on Phil’s lamp and then turn off the overhead light.

Jaiden holds up a familiar stuffed lion, and Dan’s heart clenches. “Dad said I could borrow his for tonight.”

“Just for tonight,” Phil reminds him softly.

Jaiden nods obediently. “I know.”

Dan crawls into bed on the other side of Jaiden, scooting in to join in on the cuddle. Phil adjusts accordingly, reaching the arm behind Jaiden’s head so that he can rest his hand at the base of Dan’s neck, stroking gently at where his hair is getting long. Their eyes meet and Dan knows that their talk will have to wait until tomorrow. That doesn’t fill him with dread, or anxiety like it used to. Instead, he feels calm, even settled, although a little impatient. It’s a good feeling.

“What’re we reading, Dad?” Dan asks, brushing Jaiden’s unruly hair back and kissing his forehead.

Phil tugs lightly at a curl at the back of Dan’s head. “We’re reading The Hobbit, Daddy,” Phil teases, his tongue poking out between his teeth in that adorable way that Dan finds so endearing.

Dan’s awoken, as he seems to be constantly these days, by the sound of a phone. It takes him a couple sleep-drunk moments to recognize that it’s not his alarm, or even his phone. For once it’s Phil’s phone buzzing on his nightstand, and after it doesn’t automatically stop ringing, Dan realizes he needs to intervene.

“Phil,” he mumbles, shifting around and trying to gather his bearings with his eyes still shut. “Phil, phone.”

“Yeah,” Phil mumbles back, his voice somewhere above Dan’s head.

Flailing his arm out from underneath the duvet leads to Dan realizing that he’s snuggled against Phil’s chest, with the older man’s arms wrapped around him in a loose embrace. “Answer the phone,” Dan whines, getting more and more irritated at the sound.

“I can’t, you’re on my arm,” Phil complains.

Sure enough, Dan feels Phil’s arm wiggle underneath his shoulder. “Sorry,” he mumbles, rolling away enough for Phil to save his arm. As soon as he grabs the phone off the nightstand, he rolls onto his back to answer it, but holds his left arm out to Dan in invitation. Dan gladly takes the offer, crawling right back into Phil’s space and tucking his face against Phil’s neck.

“Stephanie, hi,” Phil greets, clearing his voice to try and sound more awake than what he clearly is.

Dan listens half-heartedly, his eyes drifting shut again as he waits for the call to end so they can both go back to sleep. That’s ripped right out of his grasp, though, as soon as he registers Phil’s side of the conversation.

“Again? Yeah. Okay, yeah. Tell him I’ll be there at nine. No, it’s alright, but just let him know I’ll be there soon.”

Dan whines at that. “Don’t go,” he pleads, his voice still thick with sleep. “I don’t want you to leave.”

“Shh,” Phil whispers. “Sorry, not you, Stephanie. I was talking to my fiancé.” Phil sends him a very unamused look as Dan continues to complain about it. “Right. I’ll be there in an hour, thank you.”

He hangs up with a sigh, and Dan unashamedly hooks his thigh over Phil’s hip. “Don’t leave,” he begs, voice whiny.

Phil laughs quietly, his hand patting Dan’s thigh gently over the duvet. “I have to, bub.”

“I wanted to cuddle,” Dan pouts, glaring up at him. He knows he’s being childish. Phil’s a grown man with a job and responsibilities, but he’s also quite a good cuddler, and Dan’s selfish sometimes.

Phil kisses his hair. “We’ll cuddle so much when I get home this evening, alright? Like, so much.”

“Fine,” Dan agrees glumly. He closes his eyes again, resting his head above Phil’s heart.

“You need to let me up,” Phil murmurs after a few minutes, his fingers carding gently through Dan’s hair.

“If I don’t let you up, you can’t leave,” Dan informs him, the idea mumbled against Phil’s shirt.

Phil snorts. “Good tactic.” He pets Dan’s hair some more, and even peppers it with some soft kisses. “I don’t actually want to go,” he says softly.

Dan turns his head just enough to kiss Phil’s chest. “I know.” They lay there quietly for a little longer, soaking up the warmth and affection. Eventually, Dan sighs. “Alright, whatever, leave me,” he says dramatically, slowly detaching his limbs from Phil’s body.

Phil laughs and presses a kiss to Dan’s forehead. “I’ll be back later, you know.”

“I know,” Dan mumbles. “But later is... you know. Stuff.” He tries to avoid looking at Phil, but the part of his brain that’s dumb and likes hurting him can’t help but squint up at him to gauge a reaction.

Phil’s face looks a little less happy, and instead there’s a shadow of nervousness. “Yeah,” he agrees quietly. “But good stuff, yeah?”

And Dan hadn’t really considered that yet. Part of him was just so afraid of being hurt or disappointed that it hadn’t let him consider an alternative, and the part that had... well, that was a very small part. “Yeah,” he says quietly, nuzzling against Phil’s chest.

Phil pats his lower back, just above the swell of his bum. “Alright, then. Let me get up.”

Dan does so begrudgingly, rolling out of his arms and onto his back with a frown. Phil rolls his eyes at him before handing him his pillow to cuddle as a substitute. It’s not nearly as good as the real thing but it will do, Dan decides as he snuggles into it. He manages to drift off to the quiet sounds of Phil rummaging around their room as he gets dressed, but he blinks awake when he feels a soft brush of lips against his cheek.

“Hm?” He hums when Phil mumbles something.

There’s a hand brushing his hair back, and a gentle laugh. “Go back to sleep, bub. I just wanted to say bye. I love you.”

Dan tries to be really awake, but he sort of just nods vaguely in Phil’s direction. “M’kay,” he mumbles. “Kiss?” He requests, the word falling out of his mouth before he can stop it.

Phil laughs, but a second later Dan feels a soft peck on his lips. “Bye, Dan. I’ll see you this evening, yeah?”

“Mhm. Okay,” Dan says, already dozing off once more.

~~~

Several hours later, Dan finds himself sitting at the kitchen table alone, enjoying a fresh cup of coffee as he watches the pigeons and waits for the kids to get out of bed. He’s texting Phil here and there, and he’s just sent off a photo of a particularly chunky pigeon when he hears the tell-tale sound of little feet puttering into the kitchen.

He smiles when Jaiden comes around the corner, rubbing his eyes sleepily with the back of his hand. “Good morning, bubby,” Dan says quietly.

“Morning, Daddy,” Jaiden replies with a yawn and a vague wave. He doesn’t even really look at Dan, instead heading straight for the balcony door, which he sticks his forehead to. Dan can’t help but cringe thinking about the smudges that he’ll have to clean later, but he doesn’t say a word. “Good morning, everyone,” Jaiden greets his pigeon friends politely. “Breakfast is soon. I love you.”

Dan listens with a grin as Jaiden talks to the pigeons softly, and eventually he turns around, coming back over to the table. “Did you sleep okay?” Dan asks him, sipping from his mug.

Jaiden nods, coming to a stop right next to Dan’s chair. He lifts his arms up, giving Dan the cutest, sleepiest pout. “Hug?” He inquires softly.

Dan’s heart melts. “Of course, bub,” he says with a smile, setting his mug down to wrap his arms around the little boy. When Jaiden gives no indication of letting go, Dan chuckles before gathering him up in his arms and situating him on his lap. Jaiden makes a happy noise as he snuggles into Dan’s chest, and as much as Dan’s enjoying this new display of affection, he worries. “You feeling okay?” Dan asks quietly, running a hand over Jaiden’s hair.

“Mhm,” Jaiden nods. “Just sleepy. Wanted a hug.”

Dan coos. He holds Jaiden closer to him, petting his back in long, gentle strokes to give him as much comfort as he can. “I’m always here to give hugs when you need them, alright?”

Jaiden nods against his chest. “M’kay,” he mumbles. He shifts a little, glancing over at Dan’s mug with a curious look to him. “Can I have some coffee?” He asks out of nowhere.

Dan snorts at the swift subject change and the lack of subtlety. “Um, absolutely not, no. Nice try, though.”

With a pout, Jaiden crosses his arms, blinking up at Dan like this is the most unfair thing in the world. “Just a tiny sip, Daddy? Like, a baby one?”

“I think you’re hyper enough as it is, kiddo,” Dan says, shaking his head.

Jaiden looks less than thrilled to hear this. “Dad would let me have some,” he suddenly says, a mischievous look on his face.

Dan can’t help but roll his eyes at the tactic. “I’m sure he would. Dad would also let you stay up until two in the morning watching anime, and that’s exactly why Dad doesn’t get to make all the rules.”

“But Daddy,” Jaiden whines.

“How about this, you can have a tiny, very tiny sip,” Dan relents. “On one condition,” he continues, holding his hand up when Jaiden nods excitedly. “You have to try a new vegetable this week, yeah?”

Jaiden’s nose crinkles, and he looks like he’s seriously considering saying no. Dan waits patiently, sort of hoping that’s exactly what he does, since giving coffee to a small child probably isn’t a great idea anyway. “Deal,” Jaiden announces with a shrug, immediately making grabby hands for the mug.

“Ah, let me hold it, let me hold it.” Dan takes the mug right out of his reach before carefully holding it closer. “It’s still pretty hot, so let me blow on it for a minute.”

Jaiden waits patiently until Dan decides it’s cool enough and carefully brings the mug closer to his face. “A tiny sip?” Jaiden asks, glancing up at him.

Dan nods. “Very tiny. Like barely a swallow, okay? And you can’t tell Dad or Mia or Levi- got it?”

It’s almost hysterical how excited the prospect of a secret makes Jaiden look then. “Okay!”

Dan’s careful as he holds the mug for Jaiden, tilting it just a little bit, just enough for him to get barely a teaspoon. As soon as he’s swallowed, Dan sets the mug down and studies his face for a reaction. Jaiden smacks his lips curiously before a slightly greenish tint colors his usually rosy cheeks. “Ew,” he complains, wiping at his tongue with the sleeve of his shirt.

“What?” Dan says innocently, trying to hide his smile. He knows exactly what it is- black coffee is disgusting until you’ve gotten used to it.

“It tastes like dirt!” Jaiden complains. “Why does it taste so bad, last time Dad-“ he freezes, glancing up at Dan with a guilty look.

Dan rolls his eyes. “Did Dad give you some coffee before?”

Jaiden nods sheepishly. “He let me have some sips of his Starbucks. And Mia, too.”

Dan splutters. “When was that?” He demands.

A thoughtful look crosses Jaiden’s face before he shrugs. “I dunno, before school started.”

With a sigh, Dan sits back in his chair, watching Jaiden follow, cuddling up against him once more. Dan smiles fondly at him, petting his hair gently. “Dad’s gonna be in so much trouble later,” Dan informs him.

“But... you gave me coffee too!” Jaiden protests.

“Just a sip!” Dan whines defensively.

“I’m telling Dad,” Jaiden decides easily.

Dan gapes at him. “You promised you wouldn’t!”

Jaiden blinks up at him with a grin. “I didn’t promise anything!”

“Oh, you little!” Dan laughs, cutting himself off as he tickles Jaiden’s sides, his laughter loud and bouncing off the walls of the kitchen. “Repent, repent!” Dan chants through laughter of his own.

Jaiden squeals, squirming in his lap as he tries to escape. “I’m sorry! I won’t- I won’t!”

Dan stops his attack, scooping Jaiden back up from where he’d been slipping off Dan’s thigh. “Good,” he smiles.

“Do I still have to try a new vegetable if I promise not to tell Dad?” Jaiden asks sweetly, an innocent little smirk on his face.

Dan squints at him. “Are you actually blackmailing me?” He asks, taken aback.

Jaiden shrugs, giggling. “Maybe,” he sings.

Rolling his eyes, Dan pats his back. “Alright, whatever. Tell Dad, if you want. He won’t be mad.”

Jaiden’s face falls. “So I still have to try a vegetable?” He sounds disappointed.

Dan cackles. “Yeah, bub, you’ve gotta try a new vegetable.”

Jaiden sulks at this, crossing his arms. “Fine,” he concedes. Dan knows he can’t stay mad for long, so he waits patiently for something to change. It doesn’t take long. “Can I have breakfast?”

Smiling, Dan gently coaxes Jaiden off his lap. “Of course you can, bub. What’ll it be? Cereal? Omelette? If Dad was here I’d have him make us some pancakes,” Dan muses as he makes his way around the kitchen, checking to see what breakfast ingredients they had on hand.

“Where is he?” Jaiden asks, looking around like he’s just noticed Phil’s absence.

“He got called into work,” Dan says with an apologetic smile.

“Oh,” Jaiden says, nodding knowingly. He seems to consider his options, then says, “I think I’ll have an omelette.”

“Good choice, little man,” Dan says, going to collect the ingredients from the fridge. “Hm... I really need to get some groceries today. Maybe Phil’ll stop by- Jaiden?” The slight raise in pitch is due to the empty kitchen he finds upon turning away from the fridge.

He discards the carton of eggs and the milk on the counter, abandoned in favor of making sure his child hasn’t just dropped off the face of the earth somehow. Making his way down the hall to the twins’ room, there’s quiet voices floating towards him and he begins to feel his worry waver. He’s just about to retreat back to the kitchen to start breakfast when he hears Phil’s voice. Confused, he steps closer and gently pushes the door open.

He’s not sure what he expected, but what he finds is Jaiden and Amelia huddled together on her bed, Dan’s phone held in Jaiden’s little hands. It takes a moment for Dan to register it, but when he hears Phil laugh, he realizes the noise is coming from his phone.

“Dan did what?” Phil asks, his voice lighthearted and amused.

“Yeah, what did I do?” Dan asks, crossing his arms as he leans against the door frame.

Amelia squeals in surprise, and Jaiden’s whole face goes a little pink and sheepish. “Hi, Daddy,” he says with a weak wave.

Dan settles him with an unimpressed look. “Hi. What’ve you got there?”

Jaiden turns the phone around with a little smile. “It’s just Dad.”

Phil looks to be in his office, and he’s got a sweet smile on his face as he waves to Dan. “Hi, baby.”

“Hi,” Dan says, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “What did they tell you?”

Phil grins. “Why, Danny? Are you keeping any secrets from me?”

Dan splutters. “No,” he says defensively.

“Mhm,” Phil hums. “So, giving Jai coffee this morning doesn’t ring any bells?”

Dan’s face feels warm when he stalks forward and holds his hand out for his phone. Jaiden gently hands it to him, with a sheepish little grin, and Dan can’t help but roll his eyes fondly. Looking back at Phil, he shakes his head, affecting a stern voice when he says, “I don’t wanna hear it, bub. He told me all about the Starbucks you let him have months ago, and I think that trumps the little secret sip I let him have this morning.”

Phil’s clearly holding back a laugh as he says, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Dan gives him a blank look. “Jaiden told me about it.”

Phil shrugs. “You have no proof.”

Rolling his eyes, Dan turns to face the twins. “No more running off with my phone without telling me first, got it?”

Jaiden nods. “Am I in trouble?”

Dan smiles softly at him. “Of course not, bubby. How about both of you get dressed so we can get breakfast, and if you’re extra good we might go to the park later, okay?”

Amelia’s eyes light up and she’s quick to scramble off the bed. “Okay!”

Jaiden’s quick to follow suit, much to Dan’s amusement. When he’s sure they’re okay on their own to get ready for the day, Dan shuffles out of their room, pulling the door nearly shut behind him and sighing. He gives Phil his full attention now, offering him an apologetic smile. “I’m so sorry about that, I know you’re busy at work, and I didn’t even know he had my phone until-“

“Dan,” Phil interrupts warmly. “It’s fine.” He’s got a genuine smile on his face, so Dan has no real reason not to believe him.

“Okay,” Dan says softly. He suddenly feels shy, with Phil looking at him like that, even through the screen. “How’s work?” He asks, flinging himself into a mindless conversation so he’s not thinking about the way his stomach flutters, knowing the conversation they need to have later.

“It’s alright,” Phil says with a shrug. “I had to deal with two cancellations on some minor guests and also fire someone, so, like, it could be better,” he says, voice going quieter as he slouches, almost like he’s ashamed to admit he’s having a bad day.

Dan makes some sort of soft, unintentional noise in his throat. “I’m sorry you’re having a shit day, bub.”

Phil shrugs. “S’okay.”

Propping the phone up so they can still see each other, Dan goes about grabbing a pan and the other things he needs to make omelettes. “I’m not, er, keeping you from doing something, am I?” He suddenly asks, turning to glance at the phone, feeling a flash of embarrassment at the way he’d just assumed Phil would be free to chat.

Phil’s got an odd sort of focus in his eyes as he studies Dan. “Not at all,” he says, his voice incredibly soft.

Dan feels better about launching into his version of the coffee story, defending his actions wholeheartedly while Phil snickers and makes disbelieving noises every time Dan insists he didn’t give him that much. Somehow the conversation shifts to a debate on which of the kids are more likely to keep a secret, and from which parent. Eventually they figure Levi’s more likely to keep something from Phil, while Amelia is more likely to keep something from Dan. They decide Jaiden is their Switzerland, and will probably just blurt anything out to either of them if he felt like he was in trouble.

From there the conversation shifts to the similarities they have with the kids, and Phil’s just explaining how Amelia’s more like him when Dan hears footsteps behind him. He glances over and smiles when he sees Levi, hair wild and unkempt, with shadows under his eyes. Something about his posture, and the way he doesn’t even look up at Dan, has his pleasant demeanor dropping, his concerned parent persona taking front stage.

“Levi, bubba, you okay?” Dan asks softly, momentarily forgetting about his conversation with Phil.

Levi glances at him and nods, waving him off with a vague motion. “Just tired,” he mumbles, nearly falling into a chair at the table and dropping his head in his hands like he can’t hold it up on his own. He squints past Dan, at the phone on the counter. “Hi, Phil,” he greets, tilting his head to offer a weak wave with one hand.

Phil looks as surprised as Dan feels at the acknowledgement of his presence, even via FaceTime. “Morning, kiddo. You feeling okay?”

Levi looks on the verge of saying yes, but something in him hesitates. Dan gives him a searching look, and he hopes it doesn’t come across as nosy. “I couldn’t really sleep last night,” he answers finally.

Dan waits for a moment to see if Levi is going to say anything more. When he doesn’t, Dan spares a look at his phone, where Phil seems to be at a loss for words as well. “Was it…” He changes course when Levi’s gaze flickers away. “Do you know why you couldn’t sleep?” Dan asks carefully, navigating some sort of mental minefield trying to say the right thing.

Levi shrugs, dropping his gaze to scratch a fingernail against the table. “Dunno,” he mumbles, closed off once more.

Unsure what else to do or say, Dan sends Phil a look. Luckily, via whatever weird mental symbiosis they share, Phil seems to get it. “Well, I should probably get back to work,” he says, subtly excusing himself from the conversation he realizes that Dan needs to have with Levi. “I’ll see you at home later, yeah?”

Dan nods, offering him a smile. “Yeah, course. Have fun at work. I hope your day gets better.”

Phil rolls his eyes. “Highly doubt it will, but thanks. Have fun at the park without me,” he says with a pout.

Dan laughs. “Play hooky and meet us there.”

“I could never,” Phil says, as if the very idea is shocking to him.

It’s Dan’s turn to roll his eyes then. “Of course not.” Phil gives him a grin, and Dan shakes his head fondly. “Love you. See you tonight.”

“Bye, Dan,” Phil offers him one last smile before the call drops. Dan spares a second to feel disappointed that Phil didn’t say he loved him back, and then he’s cursing himself for it, knowing better than to want more than what he can have. His mind unhelpfully reminds him of the topic of the discussion they’re meant to have later, which does approximately nothing to assuage his nerves.

Turning to Levi gives him a good excuse to push the thoughts away. “Sorry about that,” he says with a half-smile.

Levi shrugs. “S’fine.”

Dan flips the omelette he’s working on over, watching the way the steam rises up as he considers how to ask Levi about his sleep problem. Eventually, he settles on the most straightforward way. “Do you really not know why you had trouble sleeping last night? Or is it just something you don’t want to discuss with me?” He asks in the most gentle tone he can.

“I...” Levi starts. He pauses, like he’s trying to get his thoughts together. “I guess I had, like... like a bad dream.”

“A bad dream?” Dan says, keeping his voice gently inquisitive and really hoping it doesn’t sound like he’s just trying to pry.

Levi nods when Dan looks at him. “Yeah, like- like I’d fall asleep and have this nightmare and so I’d make myself wake up but then-“ the words are spilling out of him in a rush, and he pauses to take a deep breath. “Then I’d fall asleep again and it would just keep happening.”

Dan plates the omelette up quietly as he waits to see if Levi has more to say. When it’s clear that he doesn’t, Dan goes about pouring a glass of orange juice and grabbing a fork, setting the plate and cup down in front of Levi, much to his surprise. “You should eat some breakfast,” he says softly.

Levi sort of glances at the food, like he doesn’t trust it at first, but after a moment he grabs the fork and stabs at the omelette, so Dan turns to go make some more. It’s silent for a few minutes until Levi says, “It was about them.”

The words make Dan turn, flicking his eyes over at Levi with a frown. “Who?”

Levi stares at his food, his face a paler shade than it was before. “My mum and dad.”

And he’s never really spoken about them, not to Dan. He’s not sure what to say to that, though. He’s not sure what he can say that won’t frighten Levi, won’t make him shut down again. All he can offer is a quiet, “I... I don’t know how horrible that must have been. But thank you for sharing that with me.”

Levi nods, looking away. “It was.” When Dan tilts his head in confusion, Levi shrugs. “Horrible. It was horrible.”

Dan’s chest feels tight and heavy. “Levi...”

He’s just about to step closer to comfort him when Levi looks up at him, the sudden eye contact startling him a bit. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

“Oh,” Dan says, surprised enough that he nearly stumbles back. “I, um. That’s fine. We don’t have to.”

Levi nods, taking a sip of his orange juice. Dan waits for a few moments, plating another omelette before he says Levi’s name quietly. “Hm?”

“I know we say this all the time,” he starts gently. “But anytime you want to talk... about anything, ever...” he turns now, allows himself to look into those pained eyes, that’ve seen things Dan could only have nightmares about, and he forces his voice to be steady but gentle. “We’re here. Me and Phil, we’ll always listen, if you ever want to talk about things. I know we’re not... well, we aren’t your parents.” Levi flinches, imperceptibly, at that. Dan’s heart hurts. “But you’ll always have a family with us, yeah? Anything you need, you can- you can talk to us.”

His voice has gone tight and impossibly high by the time he’s finished, but he forces himself to be unwavering. He won’t let himself cry, not in front of the child he’s meant to be a strong parental figure for. Even despite telling himself that, though, he can feel how hot his eyes are, and forcing himself to blink to clear his vision doesn’t help.

Levi looks back at him for a long moment before nodding. “I know.”

Dan nods too, relieved that he managed to hold himself together and get his point across. “Good,” he says, clearing his throat. “Do you mind going to fetch your brother and sister? Their breakfast is done.”

Levi murmurs an agreement before turning to leave the kitchen, looking relieved to get a break. Dan doesn’t blame him, honestly. When you’re a teenager, the most uncomfortable thing is having an emotional conversation with an adult, especially one you aren’t close to. He can only imagine the discomfort Levi is feeling, and he makes a mental note to be a little more relaxed on him from now on rather than springing those kinds of conversations on him with no warning.

As he waits for the kids to come into the kitchen, Dan checks his phone. He finds a text from Phil and opens it a little bit eagerly. He grins stupidly the minute he reads it, and part of him wants to screenshot it while the other part wants to just tattoo it onto the back of his eyelids. It was sent a little less than ten minutes ago, probably right after their call ended.

Phil: Love u too btw

Phil: I didn’t mean to not say it back

Dan: Im sure u say that 2 all the boys

Phil: Nope just you bub ❤️

Dan grins for the rest of the morning.

~~~

A few hours later, Dan manages to get all the kids into the car to head out for some errands. Levi’s got his group therapy session, and Dan’s still trying to decide if he wants to get groceries before or after picking him up when the twins remind him he’d promised to take them to the park. He weighs his options there and eventually decides that going to the park first would probably be in his favor. They can’t be too hyper in the store if they’re both exhausted from playing.

With the day’s plan set, Dan drives Levi to his session, stalling on the side of the street until they’ve watched him walk inside. Amelia tells him she thinks that’s a bit creepy, while Jaiden disagrees, saying that he feels a bit like a spy, watching his brother from the barely tinted windows of Dan’s car.

When they finally reach the park, the twins are nearly vibrating with excited energy, and Dan’s almost already exhausted just seeing how excited they are. “Try not to run off where I can’t find you, okay?”

“Okay!” Amelia all but squeals as she races Jaiden to the curly slide.

Shaking his head fondly, Dan finds an empty spot on a bench near a mum with a pram, and he actively avoids making eye contact with her as he sits. He watches Amelia and Jaiden chase each other around for a bit, eventually pulling his phone out and snapping a photo to send to Phil. The response is nearly instant.

Phil: :((( I wish I was there!!!

Dan: i believe i remember asking u to join us and u said no

Phil: I’m at work!!

Dan: well, im at the park bub

Suddenly Dan’s phone is ringing. He glances over at the lady beside him, smiling apologetically and seriously hoping the noise doesn’t wake her baby. He scans the playground for the kids as he puts the phone up to his ear, smiling already. “What?” He says, biting back a smile.

“Don’t “what” me,” Phil says, his voice lilting up in playful annoyance. “I’m mad at you.”

“Yeah?” Dan snorts. “And what about, exactly?”

Phil makes a spluttering sound. “You- You’re at the park, without me!”

Dan smiles, partly at the childish tone in his voice, and partly at watching Amelia push Jaiden on the swings. “I mean, to be fair, I’m also at the park without Levi, but I think you’re a bit more upset about it than he’d be.”

Phil mumbles something under his breath, but it doesn’t sound actually mad, so Dan doesn’t ask for clarification. “Did he seem alright when you dropped him off?”

“Yeah, he was fine,” Dan says. He walks in a little circle, stopping once more to watch the twins as he contemplates sharing anything from his earlier conversation with Levi. “He said he had nightmares about his birth parents,” he says softly. He can’t just not talk about it, not when the wellbeing of their children is meant to be a joint effort.

“Oh, god,” Phil breathes. He sounds just as pained as Dan feels at the thought. “Did he say what they were about?”

Dan shakes his head, even if Phil can’t see him. “No. He didn’t really want to talk about it. He just told me that bit, and then he just… sort of shut down.” He tries to steady his shaky breathing.

“That’s… God, Dan, that’s horrible.” Phil seems to reconsider his words. “Not that he told you- I just meant, like… the dreams themselves. That’s awful.”

“And we can’t even do anything about it,” Dan nearly whispers, his gaze going a little blurry as he’s overcome with a striking feeling of inadequacy.

“Dan,” Phil murmurs. “We are doing something, babe. We’re trying to give him a better life, away from that. Even…” He takes a deep breath then, and Dan braces himself for what he knows is coming. “Even if it’s not for long.”

The thought makes Dan feel just as violently ill as it always does. It’s like missing a step on a staircase you’re creeping down in the dark- he should see it coming, but it takes his breath away every time, in the worst way. It takes Dan a moment of choking around the lump in his throat, but eventually he manages to swallow it down, making room in his mouth for the words he doesn’t want to say. “We need to talk when you get home.” His voice is nearly a whisper.

Phil doesn’t respond right away. When he does, he sounds older, more exhausted. “I know.”

Dan’s just about to make an excuse to hang up and get a grip on himself when he hears Jaiden calling for him. “Daddy!”

“Yeah, buddy?” Dan says, faking a smile like the actor he isn’t. Jaiden’s eyes look a little red around the rims, and Dan immediately crouches down to look at him closer, nearly forgetting that Phil’s on the other end of his phone, clueless as to what’s happening. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

Jaiden nods, then shakes his head. “Those boys- they said- they said that-“ Jaiden’s hiccuping with almost every word, and Dan takes a moment to shush him gently.

“Take a deep breath, bub,” he instructs gently.

In his ear, he hears Phil’s incessant questions. “What’s wrong? Dan! Is he okay?”

“Phil, he- I don’t know. Give me a minute,” Dan mumbles into the phone. He gives Jaiden a soft smile when he tilts his head curiously. “It’s just Dad. Do you want to talk about it in private?” Jaiden seems to consider it, nodding sheepishly after a moment. “Alright, that’s fine. Give me just a minute, okay?” Standing up and guiding Jaiden over to an empty picnic table, Dan speaks quietly into the phone. “Babe, he’s fine, I think he just got into it with some boys on the playground. I’ll call you back in a bit, yeah? Let me talk to him and sort it out.”

“Okay,” Phil says, sounding relieved. “Tell him I love him, yeah? Please?”

Dan smiles down at Jaiden, his heart full of the best kind of warmth, for both of them. “Will do. I’ll ring you in a bit, yeah?”

“Alright. Love you.”

“Love you too,” Dan says, biting his bottom lip to keep his smile from widening. He ends the call before turning his full attention to Jaiden, who looks much calmer now that he’s had a few minutes to recover from whatever happened. Sitting down beside him, Dan nudges his knee against Jaiden’s playfully. “Wanna talk about it?” He asks gently.

Jaiden put his little arms around himself. Dan’s suddenly reminded that it’s actually a bit cold out, and honestly if they weren’t running around playing, they’d probably be whining to go home to get out of the cold. “Those boys told me to ask if I could play with them on the other side of the park,” he starts, gesturing vaguely to the playground area.

Dan nods, gaze flicking around until he spots Amelia on the swings, playing with a little girl who looks a little younger. “Well, I’m glad you came to ask me first. I’d prefer you didn’t go that far, though, since your sister is still over here.”

Jaiden looks down at his shoes, which he’s scuffing on the ground. “They said something else, too,” he says quietly.

“What’s that?” Dan asks cautiously, a little nervous by the tone of Jaiden’s voice.

“I pointed at you so they’d know who I was asking, and they told me you weren’t my dad, cause we don’t look alike.” Jaiden’s voice sounds so sad and despondent, Dan is suddenly very glad those children are out of his sight. He’s not above chastising someone else’s kids, or kicking another parent’s ass for their offspring’s behavior.

Something about Jaiden’s words dawns on him then, and he looks down at him, frowning. “Bubby… you know I’m not, like…”

Jaiden nods before he can even finish saying it. “I know.” He sighs, then, kicking the ground a little more harshly. “Just wish you were.”

Dan can’t help but wrap him up in a hug upon hearing that. “Jai…” His voice is thick and garbled. He clears his throat and tries again. “You and Mia may not biologically be my children, alright, but I love you both so much. And as far as I’m concerned, you guys are my kids, yeah?”

Jaiden sniffles, burying his face into Dan’s ribs. “What about Phil?” He mumbles.

Dan’s throat goes tight. “Of course,” he says hoarsely. “Phil loves you so much, bubby.”

It’s quiet for a moment, and then Jaiden leans away a little, looking up at Dan with watery eyes. “Will you and Phil always want to keep us?”

His heart aches. He hugs Jaiden closer, kissing the top of his head. A traitor tear escapes his eye, but he allows it, just this once. “Yeah, Jaiden. We’re always going to want to keep you. You’ll always be a part of our family.”

Jaiden stays cuddled to his side for a few minutes, but eventually he pulls away, wiping his face with his sleeve. He looks a little tired, but otherwise mostly back to normal. “Can I go play with Mia?”

Dan nods, kissing his forehead. “Sure, kiddo.” Jaiden slides off the seat and goes to rejoin his sister, but Dan doesn’t let him get far without saying his name quietly. When Jaiden turns to look at him, Dan smiles as earnestly as he can. “I love you, Jai-bird.”

Jaiden smiles at him. “Love you too, Daddy,” he says with a little wave. He’s off in a sprint then, racing towards his sister as if the last ten or so minutes never even happened. with a little more pep in his step, and Dan nearly bites through his bottom lip trying to keep his emotions in check.

It’s not like he hasn’t had this sort of overwhelming breakdown before in regards to the precarious nature of their situation with the kids. He’s had it several times, but always in the privacy of his own room, or at the very least his office at work. Feeling half a centimeter away from a breakdown in public is worlds away from that, and he finds himself digging his phone out of his pocket and scrolling through his contacts before he even realizes what, or who, he’s looking for.

When he hears the familiar sound of ringing as he waits for her to pick up, he holds his phone up to his ear, standing so he can pace while he talks. It doesn’t take long for an answer, thankfully.

“Hello, love. I was starting to wonder when I’d hear from you again,” his mum’s familiar voice fills the line.

Dan chokes a laugh. “Mum,” he says, trying to force himself not to cry.

“Dan? Is everything alright?” She asks, her voice going high when she realizes, undoubtedly, that everything is not alright.

“You were right,” Dan nearly gasps out. It’s hitting him, now, the extent of the realization he’s just had. It’s not just about the children, and about preemptively missing them. It’s about Phil. God, it always is, though, he thinks, nearly bitter at the thought.

“About what, dear? What is this about?”

Dan laughs bitterly. “I don’t know. All of it. Everything. I think I just realized what a mistake this all was.”

“What’s a mistake? Dan, love, you’re scaring me.” She sounds less calm than normal, like maybe she realizes how very not okay he is right now.

Pacing back and forth, Dan gestures wildly, even though she can’t see him. “All of it. The pretending to be with Phil, the fostering...” he takes a shuddering breath. “It was a mistake.”

His mum is quiet for a moment. When she speaks her voice is impossibly soft. “Surely you don’t mean that, love.”

Dan ducks his head, a flood of hot tears pouring from his eyes. “Yes,” he argues. He spares a glance to the swing set where the children are and his heart squeezes. “No,” he sighs, reluctantly. “I don’t know. It’s just... I know I’m going to have to give them up, they’ll leave eventually, and then Phil will leave me and- and-“

And that’s it, really, he thinks to himself. As much as he fears losing the children, he knows he could survive it, with Phil there. But he knows that if Phil were to leave... that’s something he might not survive. Not now.

“I don’t think I can live without him,” he whispers brokenly.

His mum makes a sad cooing noise. “Dan...”

“I love him,” he’s properly crying now. The words aren’t brand new, but the feeling of utter freedom he feels after saying them is an adrenaline rush like no other. “I’m in love with him. I probably always was,” Dan confesses, and the world keeps spinning around him like it always has, as if he didn’t just admit to something he’s spent ten years ignoring.

His mum sighs, and Dan doesn’t think he imagines the note of relief he hears in the sound. “Well not to be blunt, Daniel, but I already knew that.”

Dan’s mind is effectively blank. “You...”

“Love, a mother can always tell. Kath’s known even longer than I have.”

Dan stifles a choked noise. “You and Kath talk too much,” he mumbles petulantly.

His mum laughs, and even in the spiral he’s in, the sound makes his lips twitch in a shadow of a smile. “Well it sounds like you and Phil don’t talk enough.”

“Well that’s not- I mean, we do, but-“

“Exactly,” she says, sounding smug. “Now, assuming you already realize he feels the same way, you probably ought to have a chat with him, Daniel.” She makes it sound so easy. As if he can just stare Phil in the eyes and tell him he’s in love with him, as if that’s something you just do.

“I... I don’t know if I can do that,” he says finally, his chest hurting with the thought of being rejected.

It’s quiet for a bit. Dan hears some clinking and assumes his mum is probably making some tea. Suddenly he yearns for that, despite the fact that he’s never really felt close enough to her to enjoy the typical mother-son bonding activities. This conversation has given him some perspective on his mother that he didn’t previously have, in the best way.

Eventually, she sighs. “Well then it won’t get any better, will it?”

“What?” He asks, almost forgetting what the original conversation was.

“Well, you’re bloody miserable right now, aren’t you?” Before Dan can protest, she continues. “But that won’t change until you do something about it. You can’t expect your problems to just magically disappear without talking about them.”

Dan bristles. “He’s not a problem.”

He can hear the smile in her voice when she answers. “I never said he was, love. I just think the lack of communication is driving you both mad, especially since this is the first you’ve talked to me in weeks.”

Dan feels a bitter guilt in his chest at that. He hates that she’s right, but she is. “Mum, I’m sorry, really-“

“Oh, nonsense. Phil sends me photos of the kids every now and again, and Kath and I chat every week. I knew you were busy, it’s fine, bear.”

His heart warms at that. It’s ridiculous how much he loves that his and Phil’s lives are so intertwined that their mums are actually friends. He sighs as he thinks about why that is, how glaringly obvious his feelings for Phil have been from the start. “I think I’m going to tell him tonight,” he whispers, as if anyone else could hear.

He can hear the smile in his mum’s voice when she replies. “That’s lovely news, Dan.” There’s a wavering hesitation before she continues. “I’m proud of you.”

He’s not crying. “Thanks, Mum.”

“And I love you, no matter what happens, alright? And if that boy has a brain in his head, so does he.”

He’s definitely crying. “Alright, alright. I love you too. I’ll try to call more.”

“I’d appreciate it,” she says dryly. “Maybe a visit soon, yeah?”

Dan’s not sure he can promise her that, but he agrees anyway before ending the call. His heart is full and his thoughts are swimming in circles as he begins wandering around the park, idly looking for his children. It takes him a minute to realize he doesn’t see them, and as soon as he does, his entire mood shifts.

Smiling tightly at the mums on one of the benches, he circles around to where he saw them playing on the swings last. He’s going into full panic mode when he hears a familiar voice.

“Daddy!”

Dan spins around, ready for the relief of finding his child safe. That doesn’t happen. Instead he’s met with Amelia’s tear-streaked face, her legs running as fast as they can carry her as she screams for him.

“Mia! What’s wrong?” He asks frantically, dropping into a crouch to look at her.

“It’s- something’s wrong, Jai’s on the ground and-“ the minute she falls into his arms sobbing, Dan stands, cradling her as she tries to direct him to where Jaiden is.

The next minute or so is a blur for him. Some sort of panicked internal instinct kicks in and one minute he’s running and the next he’s dropping to his knees beside Jaiden’s shaking body. Jaiden’s eyes are full of tears as he gasps for breath, his body convulsing as he grips at his chest. Dan’s veins fill with ice as he grabs the child’s shoulders, wracking his brain trying to remember what little he knows of emergency medical procedures.

“It’s gonna be okay, buddy. Can you sit up for me?” Dan speaks quickly but gently as he props Jaiden into a sitting position, trying to help him gasp more breath in. Dan’s no expert but he vaguely remembers learning how to handle an assumed asthma attack, and right now this is all he knows to do.

Jaiden grips his hand tightly, crying between every strangled breath. “Hurts!”

Dan’s eyes sting. “I know, bubby.” He glances over at Amelia, wide-eyed and crying a foot or so away. “Mia, love, I need you to be a big girl for a second, okay?” She nods frantically. He stands as he talks, scooping Jaiden up in his arms. “We’ve got to take Jaiden to the car. I need you to stay really close to me, okay?”

“Okay,” she mumbles her agreement.

Dan nods, trying to hold Jaiden in an upright position to help his breathing. “Take deep breaths, bub. We’re going to get some help,” he talks gently and as calmly as he can as he makes his way to the car, Amelia hot on his heels.

He manages to keep his composure long enough to get both of them in the car and get himself behind the wheel. Jaiden is nearly sobbing in the backseat, his little hands balled into fists in his shirt, his breathing loud and raspy. Dan swallows the panic down, forcing himself to focus. There’s a couple of random people milling about near his car, having seen the whole ordeal, and Dan tries to avoid eye contact as he drives out of the lot, headed for A&E.

“Hey Siri,” Dan says, loud over the sound of the cries in the backseat. His phone chirps. “Call Phil.”

The line doesn’t ring long before it connects, and an amused voice answers. “Hi baby, miss me?”

Dan has no time for the way that makes him feel. “I need you to meet us at A&E,” he says, getting straight to the point.

Phil’s silent for all of three seconds. “What? What happened, are you okay? Dan-“

“I think Jaiden’s having an asthma attack,” Dan explains quickly. “I don’t know what to do, so I’m headed to hospital. I need you to get a car to pick Levi up and meet us there.”

“Of course, yeah,” Phil answers. He sounds frantic. “Dan, where- are you- is he-“

“Meet us at hospital, yeah?”

“Dan, yes, I’ll be there,” Phil’s voice sounds almost exasperated. Dan can hear some rustling and other noises in the background, and he knows Phil’s leaving work. “I’ll see you soon, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Dan says, trying not to burst into tears when he hears a particularly miserable cry from the back. “I love you.”

“Dan,” Phil sounds nearly breathless. “I love you too. Be safe.”

Dan ends the call without another word, glancing to the back every few seconds to see how Jaiden is. “Just hang on, buddy, we’re almost there. Take some deep breaths, okay. Everything’s gonna be fine.” He’s rambling at this point, but he knows that Jaiden is in no state to recognize the underlying panic just beneath the surface.

“Siri,” he calls again. “Call A&E.”

The phone takes a minute to process this request, and then it’s ringing shortly before a woman’s voice answers with the name of the institution and “how can I be of service?”

“Er- hi, I believe my son is having an asthma attack. I’m bringing him in but I wanted to call and let you know he needs to see a doctor immediately.”

The nurse makes a pitying sort of noise and Dan hears the clacking of a keyboard. “Yes sir, and what is your name?”

“Daniel Howell,” he replies, changing lanes to take the next turn. He thinks it’s a shortcut, but he might be a little delusional about that.

“And the boy’s?”

“Jaiden Young,” he informs her.

“Alright, I’ll collect more information when you arrive. Come straight in through the A&E doors and a nurse will be on standby to help.”

“Perfect, thank you.” He ends the call with a shuddering breath, trying to hang onto what’s left of his sanity until they get there. He glances back again and sees Jaiden, his face red and wet with tears, struggling against his seatbelt. “Hang on, Jaiden. We’re almost there. We’re almost there, and they’ll help you when we get there, yeah? Just... just take some deep breaths, it’ll be okay.”

He really doesn’t know who he thinks he’s fooling.

~~~

Getting checked in when they arrive to A&E is a blur. There’s a nurse waiting, just like the lady on the phone said there would be, but Dan’s reluctant to hand over his child to a stranger. They’ve got a wheelchair waiting, and the nurse is talking in a gentle tone, some of her soothing words directed to Jaiden and a few comments directed at Dan. He barely hears her. There’s a rushing sound in his ears, and he’s only snapped back into the reality of the situation when the nurse begins pushing the wheelchair away, off towards a set of double doors. Dan follows unthinkingly, only stopped by the sound of a raised voice.

“Sir, you can’t go back there.”

Dan turns to stare at the receptionist. “That’s my child, can I-”

She stands, shaking her head. He tries to stand his ground, but her words make him falter. “No sir, not until they’ve figured out what’s wrong. Please have a seat and we’ll let you know when you can see him,” she says, her voice firm but compassionate.

With no other options, Dan nods numbly, turning around to trudge towards some empty chairs near the door. Amelia is looking up at him with big eyes, and he offers her a small, reassuring smile. “C’mon, let’s go sit down for a bit, yeah?”

She nods, swiping at a tear as she reaches for his hand. As soon as he’s found a seat, he reaches for her. She allows herself to be scooped into his lap, wrapping her little arms around his neck with a sad noise. He closes his eyes, rubbing her back gently as he shushes her gently. “Shh, love. It’ll be alright. The doctors will fix Jaiden right up, yeah?” Amelia manages a nod, and they settle into a nervous silence as they wait for something to happen.

They don’t have to wait long. Dan’s expecting Phil to show up any minute, so he’s not really surprised when the doors open and his best friend rushes in, a panicked look on his face as he scans the room. He takes one look at Dan and something seems to settle in him, his shoulders losing some of the tension and his expression morphing into something like relief. Dan doesn’t even think to stop himself from standing, gently setting Amelia down as he takes a step towards Phil. Levi is hovering behind him, his face pale as his eyes go between Dan and Amelia.

“Dan,” Phil says, his voice tight.

Dan doesn’t need any more encouraging. He all but collapses into Phil’s arms, the tears he hadn’t allowed himself to shed pouring from his eyes in waves. Phil makes a choked sort of noise as he wraps his arms around Dan’s shoulders in a tight embrace. “Shh, Dan, it’s okay. He’s gonna be okay.” And Phil can’t know that, not really. Dan appreciates the sentiment, but his crying only subsides enough to give way to hiccups.

“He- it was like he couldn’t…” Dan swallows hard, pressing his wet face against Phil’s neck. “He couldn’t breathe, and I had no idea what to do and-”

“Breathe, Dan. Slow down,” Phil instructs, pulling away to force eye contact. “You’re going to work yourself into a panic attack. Just slow down, yeah?”

Dan nods, taking rattling breath after breath, trying to calm himself down. Phil’s hands come up to cup Dan’s neck, his thumb swiping up to his jaw in soothing motions. The staring should make Dan uncomfortable, probably, with how intense it is, but he doesn’t look away. Somehow it has the opposite effect for once, and staring into those eyes that he loves so much, he actually manages to calm down, if only slightly.

“There we go,” Phil says, voice incredibly soft. “You okay?” he whispers.

“Yeah,” Dan rasps out. He remembers then, that they’ve got company, and he forces himself to pull away. He pretends he doesn’t see the hurt on Phil’s face. “Did Phil tell you what happened, Levi?” Dan asks, moving to sit back down. He tugs Phil’s sleeve as he goes, a very obvious instruction for him to stay as close to Dan as possible.

Levi looks almost as panicked as Dan feels, but he sits on his other side, shrugging at the question. Levi watches Amelia crawl onto Phil’s lap before he answers. “He told me you were taking him to A&E because you thought he was having an asthma attack,” Levi says slowly.

Dan nods. He wants to spare him the details, so he chooses his words carefully. “They were playing and Amelia ran over to tell me something was wrong, and when I got over there he was having trouble breathing. I… I’m not really sure what could have caused it.” The admission is bitter on his tongue.

Levi looks down at his shoes. “Where were you? Why weren’t you watching them?” He snaps, his voice quiet.

Dan’s breath catches.

“Levi,” Phil says in a warning tone.

“If you were watching them it might not have happened,” Levi all but hisses, his voice breaking twice before he spits the words out.

“That’s enough,” Phil says, his voice harder than Dan’s ever heard in his conversations with the children. Levi looks up in surprise. Phil’s face is stony, not batting an eye as he stares at the teenager. “That doesn’t help your brother, Levi. Dan didn’t make him have an asthma attack, so we’re not going to assign blame here, okay?”

Levi’s gaze flits back and forth between the two of them before his whole body seems to deflate and he nods tiredly. “Okay,” he murmurs, looking down at his shoes once more. He peeks up at Dan, shrugging one shoulder. “I’m sorry, Dan,” he says quietly.

Dan can only offer a shaky smile. “It’s okay,” he replies automatically. He reminds himself that Levi can’t help how he reacted to the news, and that placing blame is a reasonable reaction for someone of his age, especially in this situation. He reminds himself of this two or three times to be sure, so that he doesn’t accidentally do something stupid, like cry in front of him.

Phil’s hand suddenly drops to his knee, squeezing gently, startling Dan out of his thoughts. “I’m going to go ask the receptionist what sort of papers we need to fill out. Would you call Hazel and tell her about all this? I’m assuming this is the kind of thing caseworkers need to know.”

Dan nods. “Yeah, course,” he agrees, going to dig his phone out of his pocket. Phil offers a little smile, leaning in and pressing a kiss to Dan’s temple. Dan watches him stand, Amelia tagging along with him for the walk over to the receptionist desk.

He’s just about to hit call on Hazel’s name when Levi nudges his arm with his elbow. Dan glances at him with a curious look. Levi substitutes eye contact for gazing out the window past Dan’s head, swallowing hard before he speaks. “I really am sorry,” he says quickly, like he hates the words. “I’m just… I guess I’m scared.”

Dan’s heart melts a little. “I know. I am too, Levi,” he reminds gently.

Levi glances right at him then, and Dan notices the glassiness of his eyes. Oh. “I… I can’t let anything happen to them,” he whispers, dropping his gaze.

Risking an affectionate gesture, Dan reaches out, patting Levi’s back gently. He’s shocked when the precariously put-together expression on Levi’s face crumbles suddenly, an ocean of tears falling from his eyes. “Levi…” Dan says softly, trying his best to navigate the correct way to be comforting in this situation.

It turns out he doesn’t have to wonder for long. Levi does the previously unthinkable, leaning forward and dropping his forehead against Dan’s shoulder as he sobs and allows himself to be hugged. Dan can’t help but cry a little as well, and that’s how Phil finds them a few minutes later. There’s a surprise on his face that Dan feels in his heart, but it morphs into something like relieved affection when Levi begins to control his breathing a little.

“It’s alright, bubby. Jai’s gonna be fine, yeah? Everyone’s fine,” Dan says soothingly, rubbing Levi’s shoulder gently.

Phil and Amelia quietly move to sit on Dan’s other side like before, but Levi must notice their presence, because he stiffens suddenly, pulling away slowly and wiping at his eyes. Dan offers him a sympathetic smile. “Sorry,” Levi mumbles, rubbing harshly at his eyes with the sleeves of his sweater. He gestures at his face vaguely with a shrug. “I don’t usually…”

Dan shakes his head. “You don’t have to be sorry, Levi. Everyone cries. I cry all the time, just ask Phil.”

Phil pets Dan’s hair. “It’s true,” he says, voice light and amused.

Levi offers a weak smile before looking back at his shoes. “Er… thanks, I guess.”

Dan feels his heart swell. “Of course,” he says gently. He feels a nudge against his elbow and he turns to look at Phil, who’s got a curious look on his face.

“Did you ring Hazel?” He asks.

Sheepishly, Dan picks up his phone, still hovering over her contact info when he unlocks it. “I’ll do that,” he says with a nod. Phil smiles at him gratefully, shifting a sleepy-looking Amelia on his lap as Dan focuses on what to say to Hazel when she answers.

The phone call doesn’t last long, much to Dan’s surprise. He explains briefly what happened and she tells him she’ll meet them there within an hour. She doesn’t ask many questions, and before she ends the call she thanks him for ringing her to inform her about it. Dan’s just repeating their conversation back to Phil when he hears his name called from the door where Jaiden disappeared through earlier.

“That’s me,” Dan says, standing and making his way over to her.

“You’re Jaiden Young’s father, right?” She asks, checking the clipboard in her hand.

Dan nods, trying not to fidget nervously. “His foster father, yes.”

She smiles at him. She seems kind, he thinks absently. “He’s stable now, so you’re welcome back to see him if you’d like.”

“Perfect!” Dan says, unable to mask his excitement. He turns to find Phil hovering a few feet away, like he feels awkward about being near Dan. “We can see him,” he says, voice washed with relief.

Phil’s just about to speak when the nurse interrupts. “It’s immediate family only, actually,” she says, her tone apologetic.

Dan blinks at her. Before he has a chance to speak, Phil snorts. “Well, he’s my fiance. I think that’s about as immediate as it gets.” The nurse looks a little abashed, and Dan can’t help but smirk a little. “Can we see our son now?”

She doesn’t argue, nodding quickly and gesturing to the doors. Dan glances over to the seats where Levi and Amelia are sitting, watching them with wide, impatient looks. “Those are his siblings, may they come back as well?” Dan asks, overly polite on purpose.

The nurse glances at them and nods. “It’ll have to be a quick visit before we move him to a different room.”

Dan and Phil share a glance and wordlessly, Phil heads over to the kids to bring them along, while Dan focuses on that bit of information. “Does that mean he has to stay?”

She looks apologetic. “Just for a few hours. The doctor wants to monitor his levels for a while to make sure this was an isolated incident.”

“Does that mean you think it’ll happen again?” Dan asks, panicking once more.

“No, not necessarily,” She’s quick to reassure him. “But because of how intense the attack was, we wanted to make sure there aren’t any underlying causes. We’ll need to know a bit more about his medical history, if you can provide it, so we know if this is a rare occurrence or not.”

Dan’s about to say something about how little they know about the children’s medical history prior to them moving in, but then Phil is there with Levi and Amelia, who are more than ready to see their brother. He offers Phil a small smile, reaching out to squeeze his hand briefly as the nurse begins leading them through the doors and down a brightly-lit corridor.

They’ve nearly reached the end of the corridor when the nurse stops and opens a door. “Jaiden, there’s someone here to see you,” she says in a gentle voice, stepping back and allowing them to walk inside. Dan makes sure to send her a grateful smile as he steps past her, his eyes immediately darting to scan his child for injuries. Despite the fact he wasn’t visibly injured when Dan brought him in, it feels like centuries have passed since then, and Dan’s already expecting the worst.

He worries for nothing, though. Jaiden looks much better than he had earlier, although he does look rather exhausted, even as his eyes light up at seeing them. “Daddy!” he calls, reaching his arms out for them.

Dan can’t stop the sniffling noise he makes, but he tries to laugh it off, blinking the dampness from his eyes as he goes to sit on the edge of the bed and pull the child into a hug. “Hi, bubby. I was so worried about you.”

Jaiden nuzzles into his chest. Dan melts. “Sorry, Daddy,” he says sweetly.

“You don’t have to apologize, Jai. It’s not your fault,” Dan says as he gently strokes a hand over Jaiden’s hair. He glances over to see Phil standing there watching them, a relieved smile on his face. Dan reaches out without a second thought, tugging on Phil’s sleeve.

Phil moves closer, grasping one of Jaiden’s hands and giving him a grin. “You gave us a real scare, little man,” he says, his voice teasing. “You know that little boys in hospital get a toy, right?”

Jaiden shrugs sheepishly. “Well… Now that you mention it…” He trails off, and everyone in the room shares a laugh.

Dan glances behind them, waving Levi and Amelia closer to the bed. “Come here, guys. Jaiden’s fine.”

“Hey, Jai,” Levi says softly as he steps closer. Jaiden reaches for him, So Phil and Dan both make some room for Levi and Amelia to have a moment with him. Amelia climbs right up next to him and starts asking him questions about what kind of toy he wants to get, completely forgetting anything concerning the injury that brought him here in the first place. Dan’s relieved and also mortified at that.

The nurse doesn’t let them stay for long. After less than ten minutes, she’s back and ushering them out, saying that Jaiden is about to be moved to a different room. The look of panic that flashes on Jaiden’s face breaks Dan’s heart all over again, but he forces himself to wave and smile brightly. “You’ll be alright, buddy. We’ll be with you as soon as they get you situated, yeah?” Jaiden manages a nod at this, and then the nurse is shooing them out, back to the waiting room.

~~~

They’re just walking back through the doors into the waiting room while they wait for Jaiden to be transferred to a new room when Dan’s gaze catches on a familiar face. He shares a look with Phil, who seems to get the message immediately.

“Hey, guys, why don’t we go see if there’s a snack machine somewhere, yeah?” Phil says, gently guiding them in the opposite direction.

Levi gives Dan a funny look, while Amelia remains distracted by the prospect of food. Dan offers a reassuring smile before making his way towards Hazel, who’s stood at the receptionist desk writing down information on a clipboard.

“Hazel, hi,” Dan greets, giving an awkward wave.

She glances up at him and smiles brightly. “Daniel! Lovely to see you again, although I’m sure we both wish it were under different circumstances.”

Dan nods, scratching at his collarbone nervously. “Yeah. We weren’t really sure what protocol was for something like this... Thank you for taking the time to stop by.”

Hazel waves her hand with a huff of laughter. “It’s no trouble. I knew there’d be information you two wouldn’t have and a check up was coming up anyway.”

Nodding again, Dan glances over at Phil and the kids, his throat tightening at the thought of how much worse this day could have been. “I’m just really happy he’s okay,” he says quietly.

Hazel gives him a sympathetic sort of smile. “You know...” she starts, slowly and carefully. “The children are technically wards of court.”

Dan’s neck nearly snaps when he glances up at her. “What?”

She does that sympathetic thing again, this time accompanied by a slow nod. “Well… Due to the… special circumstances of their case, the judge ordered a special hearing and came to a decision about the status of their case early.” She takes a deep breath. “Their parents’ rights have been terminated. So technically... with the right paperwork... you and Phil could file for legal guardianship.”

Dan blinks. His brain is still stuck on the idea that their biological parents now legally have no rights to see them, but then he registers the last thing she’d said. “So, like... adoption?” His voice pitches up nervously at the end.

She nods, glancing down at the form she’s abandoned and writing a few more notes before handing it back to the nurse. “Exactly. You don’t have to, of course, but that just means the agenda changes from trying to keep them in foster care to finding a family to adopt them.”

Dan feels sick. “We... I don’t know if Phil...” he shakes his head, trying desperately to knock his brain cells into each other to produce a thought. “Why were their parents’ rights terminated?” He asks finally.

For the first time since they started speaking, Hazel frowns, looking away briefly. “I actually think that might be something we discuss with Phil,” she says quietly.

Dan’s heart is in his throat as he makes his way over to Phil and the kids, who’ve evidently found a snack machine, as they’re currently feasting on several things Dan will reprimand Phil for later. “Hey, could you come here a second?” He says to Phil, tugging his sleeves down over his hands.

Phil glances between him and Hazel in confusion before slowly nodding. “I’ll be right back, guys. Levi, protect Jaiden’s candy bar, okay?”

Levi nods, tucking it into his jacket pocket and sticking his tongue out at Amelia when she pouts. He doesn’t seem to be concerned about whatever’s going on, and Dan allows himself to feel relieved that they won’t have to worry the teen about yet another thing. Dan leads the way back over to where Hazel’s waiting, trying to control his breathing before he starts crying. Phil, ever observant, slides his hand into Dan’s, squeezing three short times. Dan breathes a little easier.

“Phil, it’s good to see you again,” Hazel says, her voice dropped into something less exciting and more resigned. Dan’s heart does another squeeze, already ready for the worst.

“You too, Hazel,” Phil says, smiling at her. He squeezes Dan’s hand once more. “So...” he trails off, clearly implying that she should explain herself.

She nods. “So, like I told Dan, the children’s parents have had their rights terminated.” She pauses, as if she’s allowing him a moment to process it. Phil’s a smart man, though, so he just nods for her to continue, his face not giving away a single thought going through his head. “There’s a few options now. We can move the children to another temporary foster home while we look for a permanent adoptive family, or they can stay with you while we conduct the interviews for a potential family.”

Phil nods. He doesn’t even look at Dan as he asks, “Is there another option?”

She looks pleased. “You two can petition for legal guardianship.”

Phil has the same clarifying moment Dan had. “We can adopt them?” The hope in his voice nearly buckles Dan’s knees. The idea of this being permanent is something he can’t compartmentalize right now.

Hazel nods. “You could, yes.”

Before Phil can say anything else that makes Dan’s heart hurt, he interrupts. “You said something about why their parents’ rights were terminated. I want to know more about that,” he reminds her, trying to keep his voice quiet but firm.

Her face drops back into something sad and uncomfortable. “Right,” she says with a nod. She glances at the children, probably to make sure they can’t hear, then turns slightly so their conversation remains more private. “They had a very... a very difficult home life. I know there weren’t a lot of details given at the time, because there was still some investigation going on, but the very short version is they were being neglected and abused.”

Dan’s heart stops. He’s sure of it. Phil, probably unthinkingly, tightens his grip on Dan’s hand. “In what way?” Phil says, his voice almost eerily calm.

Hazel hesitates, clearly debating on what to say. “Well...” she starts slowly. “First of all, Levi doesn’t share the same father as the twins. His biological father is deceased, and he knows that the man who raised him wasn’t his real dad.”

Dan’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. “Then why do they have the same surname?”

She cringes at the question. “Well, according to what their mother said, his bio father didn’t want anything to do with him and asked that he be left off the birth certificate. Her husband was just her boyfriend at the time, but he signed it instead.”

Dan looks away, his eyes misting. His heart aches with the thought that Levi has had nothing but shitty people who didn’t want him from the beginning. Those children deserved the world, but from the sounds of it, evidently their biological parents didn’t believe so.

“And after that?” Phil asks. “When did the abuse happen?” He sounds mad to Dan’s trained ear, but he knows Hazel will probably just read that as concern.

“Their mother had some issues, an addiction to prescription meds was one of them. She didn’t really...” she pauses, glancing between the two of them like she’s worried they can’t handle it. Dan blinks at her. “Their mother wasn’t really present, even when she was there with them. And apparently the father was a bit of a drinker, and violent. You can piece together about how that went.”

Dan can’t stop the tears, and he tries to pull away from Phil to take a moment, but Phil grabs his sleeve and tugs him in for a hug. He’s probably craving the comfort just as much as giving it, but Dan allows it. “And was it just all the time? He just beat them, all the time?” Phil asks, his voice shaking.

Hazel shakes her head. “No, no. The report says it didn’t get very bad until about two years ago, when the dad lost his job. Levi... well, Levi started getting into fights a lot at school and eventually when they got him to a counselor he admitted that their father was beating him.”

Dan catches on the last sentence, the last word. “Him?” He reiterates. “He was just hitting Levi?”

She looks uncomfortable, but nods. “Levi apparently told the counselor that he hid the kids in the closet or somewhere so he couldn’t get to them, but he ended up putting himself in danger when he did that.” She pauses, but Dan can tell there’s more. “He also told her he was trying to get into fights to cover up the fact that he was showing up to school with fresh bruises every day.”

Dan swears, hiding his face against Phil’s shoulder as he lets out a shuddering breath. “I can’t believe...” he cuts himself off with a sob. Phil’s arms tighten around his shoulders, and he hears the quiet sound of Phil apologizing half-heartedly to Hazel.

“Shh, Dan. It’s... they’re safe now. Yeah? They’re safe.” Phil’s voice is quiet and calm in his ear, and for the second time today, the sound of it is enough to calm Dan out of a panic attack.

Slightly embarrassed, Dan pulls away, wiping at his face with his sleeve in a disgusting manner. “Thank you for telling us the truth, Hazel,” he says to her, trying to keep his voice from breaking.

She nods, looking more apologetic and guilty than he’s ever seen her. “I hated that we couldn’t tell you at the beginning, but there was a lot we didn’t know, and until the investigation was finished there was only so much information we could share.”

“I understand,” Dan says, even though he thinks he doesn’t, not really. “Thank you for telling us now.”

“How long do we have to think about adoption?” Phil asks out of nowhere, almost as if he’s been in a daze for the past few minutes.

Hazel glances between the two of them before shrugging. “Well we can give you a few weeks before we start actively looking for new adoptive parents, and we’ll let you know when that process starts so you have until then really to make your decision.”

Phil nods. He doesn’t look at Dan, instead shaking Hazel’s hand to say goodbye. “Thank you, Hazel. We really appreciate, well, everything.”

She smiles at him, and it looks much more relaxed. “Of course, anytime you need me, just call.” She glances at Dan, who can only offer her a weak smile. “I do try to remain unbiased, but it’s very inspiring to see how much you two genuinely care for these children. I think you’d make the perfect family for them, if that’s what you decide.” With another smile and a squeeze of Dan’s arm, she’s gone, leaving them standing there alone to process her words.

“So-“ Phil starts, pulling his arm away from Dan slowly.

“I can’t- not yet, okay?” Dan interrupts, a little panicked at the idea of making any decisions right now. “I think we should talk about it at home.”

Phil studies him for a moment before nodding, leaning in and kissing Dan’s forehead. “Sure, love. We’ll talk later.”

Dan doesn’t bother hiding his relief as they make their way back over to where they’d left Levi and Amelia. His head is swimming with thoughts and he’s finding it hard to swim in all of it after the day he’s had. But with the most important people in his life watching, he forces himself to play the part of someone calm, cool, and relaxed.

~~~

When they finally move Jaiden to a room upstairs, Dan’s nerves manage to settle, if only a little bit. There’s something comforting in knowing that there are doctors and nurses around in case something does happen, and he’s more than relieved when a doctor comes to speak to them, informing them that everything is okay and they’ve confirmed Jaiden does in fact have asthma. Dan manages to stop his nervous pacing long enough to ask them if that means he needs an inhaler. The doctor smiles a little sadly, but nods.

“He’ll more than likely need at least an emergency inhaler with him from now on,” they say, nodding. “But, we do need to run some more tests to make sure we give him the correct kind, and to make sure there’s no scarring on his lungs or anything like that.”

Dan nods, sharing a look with Phil, who’s sat on the bed beside Jaiden. “Alright, thank you.”

The doctor smiles, giving Jaiden a high five. “You’re a brave little man,” they tell him, making Jaiden grin proudly. “Gave your dads a bit of a scare there, but we’ve got you all patched up, buddy,” they continue, grinning at Dan and Phil before stepping towards the door. “A nurse will be in shortly to take his vitals and blood for the tests we need to run. It shouldn’t take too long.”

Phil smiles and nods at them. “Right, thank you again. We really appreciate it.”

They nod, and with another smile at Jaiden they’re gone, back off down the corridor to treat someone else. Dan’s still trying to wrap his head around how they went this long without finding out about Jaiden’s asthma, but he’s distracted when he hears Levi asking a question.

“Can Mia and I go find the gift shop?” He asks, his voice hopeful.

Phil smiles at them, glancing at Dan before answering. When Dan gives a conceding shrug, Phil nods. “Sure, just stay together and try not to stay too long.” He pulls his wallet out then, handing Levi his credit card without blinking. “Just sign my name if they ask for a signature,” he says.

Levi looks shocked, glancing between Phil and the card, and then at Dan, as if it’s some sort of joke. Dan simply smiles and shrugs, so Levi nods, reaching out for Amelia’s hand and making their way out of the room. Dan looks over at Phil, quirking an eyebrow. Phil quirks one right back. “Watch them come back with literally the biggest stuffed bear in the world,” Dan says, rolling his eyes.

Phil shrugs with a vague smile. “It’s out of the goodness of their hearts, Dan,” Phil says, biting his full bottom lip to hide his smile.

Dan crosses his arms over his chest. “It’s out of your pocket, bub,” he retorts, mostly playful. He really didn’t think Levi would overspend that much.

Jaiden giggles. “I’d like a big stuffed bear, I think,” Jaiden offers, voice hopeful.

“I reckon you deserve a stuffed bear after today, huh?” Phil speaks softly, brushing the dark hair out of Jaiden’s eyes. Jaiden smiles a little sheepishly, but nods. Phil glances at Dan with a little smile.

Dan’s heart hurts. He steps over towards them, leaning down and pressing a kiss to Jaiden’s head. “We’re so glad you’re alright, Jai-bird,” he says softly.

Jaiden smiles up at him. “I’m fine, Daddy. Just tired. And a little bit hungry,” he confesses.

Dan and Phil share a laugh at that. It’s so very characteristic of him to say something like that, even after the day he’s had. Dan ruffles his hair softly. “I promise we’ll get you some food as soon as we leave here, yeah?”

“Burgers?” Jaiden asks, his voice hopeful.

Phil tugs on one of Dan’s belt loops, his eyes wide and excited when Dan looks at him. “I wouldn’t mind a burger either, Dan,” he says, his voice sweet.

Rolling his eyes, Dan makes a big show of sighing loudly. “Alright, alright. Burgers it is.”

“Thank you, bear.” Phil looks exceptionally pleased as he tugs Dan closer, wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist in a loose hug. Dan’s arms automatically go around Phil’s neck, and he has the burning desire to press kisses to the blank canvas of his pale forehead. He doesn’t fully reign in that desire, but he satisfies it by dropping a kiss just above his left brow bone.

Turning to look at Jaiden, Dan makes an exasperated noise, shaking his head. “You’re both spoiled, you know,” he teases.

Phil makes a noise of protest, pulling away to pout up at Dan. “Am not,” he denies.

Dan tugs on a lock of hair right above his fingers. Phil cringes, but his lips quirk up in a smile. “Yes you are. Milkshakes at midnight, pizza almost every week, sneaking marshmallows, stealing-“

Phil presses his hand over Dan’s mouth. “If you say one word about the cereal, I swear-“

His threat is cut off by a yelp as Phil yanks his hand away. Dan grins.

“Dan,” Phil whines, wiping his wet hand on Dan’s sweater. “That’s disgusting.”

Dan pulls out of his grip, smirking. Jaiden giggles hysterically from where he’s laying on the bed, and Dan shares a smile with him. “That’s what you get, Phil. That’s a very important lesson for you to learn.”

Phil’s nose crinkles. “I can’t believe you licked my hand.”

A mischievous glint is in Dan’s eyes as he brings a hand up to pet Phil’s hair, a feigned sense of comfort in the motion. Phil leans into the touch, and Dan grins before quickly leaning in and licking a short stripe up the center of his forehead.

Jaiden is practically howling with laughter as Phil shoves Dan away, spluttering loudly and obnoxiously. “Daniel!” He screeches.

“Shh,” Dan warns through his own giggles. “Phil, be quiet, we’re in hospital,” he reprimands.

Phil shoots him a dirty look, crossing his arms in a pout.

Before he can counter with anything else, the door to Jaiden’s room swings open, causing the three of them to immediately go quiet, reigning in their horrible behavior in fear of a nurse coming to reprimand them, for sure. Dan feels like a child again.

They have no real reason for that fear, though, because Levi steps inside, looking at them with a suspicious look in his eyes. “What are you guys doing?” He asks, sounding concerned.

Dan bites his lip to stifle a laugh, glancing at Phil pointedly. Phil at least as the sense to look mildly embarrassed, shrugging sheepishly. “Er- Dan is being mean?” His words lilt up like a question, erasing any credibility his words might have had.

Levi glances at Dan, clearly confused. Dan shrugs. “I licked his hand.”

“You licked my forehead,” Phil adds, unnecessarily. He tugs at Dan’s shirt, and Dan bats his hand away weakly.

“Details, details,” he says dismissively. He grins at Levi, his eyes darting to Amelia to see what they got. “Wow. Is that for you or your brother?” Dan asks on a laugh.

Amelia looks sheepish as she moves towards the bed with the rather large stuffed toy. “Levi said I had to give it to Jai, ‘cause I’m not the one who got hurt.”

Dan nods, hiding a smile. “Well I’m sure Jaiden appreciates that, right bub?”

Jaiden’s grabbing for the plushy, his eyes bright and excited. “It’s so cool!” He says, his voice awed as she climbs onto the bed beside him, handing over the dinosaur toy. “Thanks,” he says, barely glancing at her.

Dan’s knee-jerk reaction to correct him into a more polite response is right there, but a light pinch to his waist redirects his attention. Phil’s giving him a look, almost like he’d read his mind. Dan stays quiet.

“Levi, my card?” Phil says, turning his head to look over at the teenager.

Levi looks confused for a moment, but when he remembers he looks vaguely embarrassed, digging into his front pocket. He produces the card, a receipt wrapped around it. Handing it over, he brushes his hair out of his eyes before mumbling quickly, “I just forgot. I wasn’t trying to steal it.”

Phil gives him a funny look. “I know that. I know you wouldn’t.” His voice is gentle and reassuring, but Levi doesn’t meet his eyes. “Were you okay using it?” He asks.

Levi nods, his eyes drifting. “It’s just, like. I haven’t really been allowed to spend money and stuff since before the group home.” He looks between Dan and the floor then, like he’s trying not to have this conversation with Phil there.

Before Dan can unpack that or say anything, Phil speaks, his fingers tapping out a rhythm against Dan’s thigh. “Would you like to have an allowance, Levi?”

The teenager looks surprised, glancing at Phil for real this time. “I- that’s not- I wasn’t like, asking for one, I just meant-“

“I know,” Phil rushes to reassure him. “I’m just asking you if you’d like one. You need to learn about how to budget and handle money anyway, and we’d be happy to get you a card for you to use.”

Levi looks shocked. “Er...” his eyes flicker to Dan, who only offers an encouraging smile. “Sure. Yeah, I’d... I’d really like that. Thanks.”

Phil smiles, an easy shrug on his shoulders. “Of course. Me or Dan will request a card and account sometime this week, yeah?”

Levi nods, moving to sit in the chair on the opposite side of Jaiden’s bed. He begins talking to the twins, and Dan sighs, focusing on Phil, who’s looking up at him with a pinched sort of expression. Dan loops his arms around his neck, tilting his head in a silent question. Phil only shakes his head, so Dan takes a moment to make sure the kids’ voices will drown him out before he leans in to whisper in Phil’s ear. “You okay?”

Phil nods, patting Dan’s hip, a little bit closer to his bum than he’d been before. Dan refuses to think about that. “Yeah. Sorry that I, like, did that without your permission.”

And that sort of makes Dan feel like an asshole. He tries to repress it, but Phil’s tone, and the words themselves, bring back very unwanted flashbacks of previous disagreements they’ve had over the course of fostering the kids. He cups a hand around the back of Phil’s neck, squeezing gently before leaning in and kissing his forehead.

“I’m not mad. I think it’s a great idea. I’ll check into making him an account Monday.” He kisses Phil’s temple this time, just for good measure. Phil smiles up at him. He doesn’t ask before tilting forward, leaving the tiniest of soft kisses on Dan’s lips. Dan’s heart flutters in the least platonic way there is, feeling on all accounts like a lovesick teenager.

~~~