May 20, 2015
But do we want to go through the emotional heart break all over again.
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But do we want to go through the emotional heart break all over again.
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LateNightConfession.
You know tonight I actually googled how to have sex after being raped. Yeah, I know. I was raped 286 days ago. Hasn't even been a year yet.. Since I've been raped, anything sexual with another person has terrified me. But, what happens when I want to have sex with someone. Let me tell you, knowing you finally want to be able to have sex with someone and then having the overwhelming feeling of.. how do I even..? It's not that I don't know how sex works, trust me, I do. It's just.. I feel useless to them. Will I be able to provide role play? Will I be able to 'help him out' after he's 'helped me out' before or after we actually do it? Probably not. Will I want too? Sure, I don't want to be selfish or the prude who receives but never gives. Will I be able too? No, most definitely not. Not because I don't want too but because the entire time we are laying there together, completely exposed in more ways then one, I will be doing two things; 1. Focusing so hard on not having a panic attack or anixtey attack due to flashbacks of what happened, and 2. Just trying to be 'good', and worrying that if I'm not that he'll leave. Being raped is bad enough, but after being raped having that person throw your clothes at you with such force and then pushing you out the door as if he is more disgusted with what just happened then you are. Not only did you get raped, but you basically got told that you were the most disgusted waste of his time. It's like being stab in the stomach and then having someone pour pure alochol onto to the wound. I want to be able to give myself to someone again. I really want to. People have sex just because they can, there are actual sex addicts. I wish I could just be able to have sex without being scared that I won't be good enough and be left. Is it that hard to ask for?
Something I wrote many months ago: My Midnight Musings When a rape is committed, the rapist goes free and the victim goes to jail. They’re trapped by their own guilt, the blame society places on them, and the fear. We’re shackled and chained and imprisoned by the terror and the regret and everything that we lost. That’s not okay. It’s not okay for people to feel like they died when they SURVIVED. They survived. They lived and they got up the next day or a week later and they kept living. We are survivors. We may not feel like it, we may feel like victims, empty shells of who we were and who we could have been, but we’re so much more. We are alive. Every day that we wake up, care for ourselves, love the people around us, every day that we do that we take a little more power back and prove that no matter what was done to us, we made it. We carried on, we kept afloat even if we still go under sometimes. We remain. We suffer through it. We endure. So to all of you reading this, all of you who have been abused or raped or assaulted or used, say it. Say it in your head, whisper it, or shout it as loud as you can: I survived. Plant the seed and let it grow. You survived, now let yourself live.