#itsbeeninteresting

My Feels

The thing is I'm completely and utterly happy here, though I'm not sure it's for the right reasons. You see, except for this weekend, and a few nights out, I'm on my own a lot. I haven't really made any Irish friends yet, and once I'm in my room, or anyone for that matter, it takes a lot to drag them back out. But I don't mind it, usually. Actually, I'm content either way. I love Ireland. I love everything Ireland is, and how it is treating me. Let's start there, I guess. Ireland's education system has this wonderful way of being incredibly enlightening, but extremely laid back. Really, the whole country is the devil may care, except for the whole Catholicism part of that. And at first, I resisted that side of it. I seemed to be shouting in people's faces, "don't you care that this isn't happening faster? or don't you care that you're not going to go to class today because you decided to pick your liver over your mind?" and then I realized with the help of my friend Maeve who is a student at Columbia who told me that it isn't grades that are going to get you a job. It's the person you are, and it's how you deal with problems. In light of this, I've been on this pretty gargantuan quest to become comfortable with who I am, and be who I want to be, unapologetic for it. Really, I've had a a whole transition of priorities. I now really want to pursue my dream of living on a Native American reservation teaching English, instead of jumping right into the Communications aspect of my majors. There's so much I want to do and be and see it makes me cry sometimes to think about it all.

But then I realize that a ship without an anchor can never settle. And so I think about my family. and Tim. and you guys. And I wonder if I'm cut out for that life. The wife life, the I'll cook thanksgiving dinner this year mom, the let's sit around and drink wine with my friends life. I don't know if I'm good enough for it, or if I want it. And that makes me wail and rail inside myself, and it gets to be quite tumultuous inside. So, I have to wonder, do I care about people, anymore? Those closest to me? Have I forgotten about them in spite of myself? Have I become selfish. Truly, I want an answer. Because I can't divorce the idea that I'm the happiest and most independent I've ever been but I'm still so far from everyone that I'm supposed to know and love. Tell me this is supposed to be happening. You know, because really, is it this culture that has influenced me so much? Is it the pub culture, is it the fact I can drink a guinness after class, and feel better? Is it the fact that I've let go that I've unclasped my hands from the railing and I don't really care if I fall? I truly don't care. Because it isn't apathy, what I'm feeling. I've felt true apathy before, and it is the most frightening thing I've ever experienced. That was emptiness, this is fullness to the point that I can't let anyone in, I don't have room. Analysis

The other side is that everyone thinks that because I'm in Ireland every day is an exciting adventure. And it is in a way, I mean I pass castle ruins on the way to class, and I'm visiting places of legend every weekend, but that doesn't mean I'm not also living the day to day, too. So, when I say that I'm not going to update for awhile, I'm just trying to amass some stories, some bits of stardust. And the fact also is, I'm realizing how shitty of a friend I'm being to you guys. Not making the effort in your lives. Why should you have to bombard me with facebook messages just to get a hi? It's not fair. It's the same thing with Tim. He thinks I don't care about him. It's not true. It's that I don't want to feel heartache at missing him. I want to soak this all up, this independence up because if I want him when I get back, we'll get married. Can I live independently from him? Or will I get absorbed? I'm so scared to get absorbed. I'm so worried about doing poorly in school though, too.

The other other side of this coin is I'm afraid I'm happy to spend money. I mean, I do live a simple life here, with a stupid phone, and living off of pasta and beans and soup nutella but I'm having trouble telling myself no. That's it. I'm indulging so hard on everything. I'm planning on going to Paris and Italy to see Evie as well as Scotland and England to see Jess and Emy. Am I crazy? It's going to be so expensive. I have the money, but when I get back I'll be broke as fuck. But there's this little point of me that bleeds all over my clothes so everyone can see that I'm dying to see this huge world. I want these places under my belt. I've seen Spain, and with these other countries, I can go home happy. And then plan to travel to see eastern europe, like Germany with Tim, and even America that I've only seen a small portion of. I just have to believe that I'll never get this kind of opportunity again so it has to be thieved and seized. I wish someone could convince me of that though....

The Scratched Out, The Match is Out

And of course, your updates! Keep 'em coming, loves! I love you KKK. Good luck, Katelyn<3