My Feels

The thing is I'm completely and utterly happy here, though I'm not sure it's for the right reasons. You see, except for this weekend, and a few nights out, I'm on my own a lot. I haven't really made any Irish friends yet, and once I'm in my room, or anyone for that matter, it takes a lot to drag them back out. But I don't mind it, usually. Actually, I'm content either way. I love Ireland. I love everything Ireland is, and how it is treating me. Let's start there, I guess. Ireland's education system has this wonderful way of being incredibly enlightening, but extremely laid back. Really, the whole country is the devil may care, except for the whole Catholicism part of that. And at first, I resisted that side of it. I seemed to be shouting in people's faces, "don't you care that this isn't happening faster? or don't you care that you're not going to go to class today because you decided to pick your liver over your mind?" and then I realized with the help of my friend Maeve who is a student at Columbia who told me that it isn't grades that are going to get you a job. It's the person you are, and it's how you deal with problems. In light of this, I've been on this pretty gargantuan quest to become comfortable with who I am, and be who I want to be, unapologetic for it. Really, I've had a a whole transition of priorities. I now really want to pursue my dream of living on a Native American reservation teaching English, instead of jumping right into the Communications aspect of my majors. There's so much I want to do and be and see it makes me cry sometimes to think about it all.

But then I realize that a ship without an anchor can never settle. And so I think about my family. and Tim. and you guys. And I wonder if I'm cut out for that life. The wife life, the I'll cook thanksgiving dinner this year mom, the let's sit around and drink wine with my friends life. I don't know if I'm good enough for it, or if I want it. And that makes me wail and rail inside myself, and it gets to be quite tumultuous inside. So, I have to wonder, do I care about people, anymore? Those closest to me? Have I forgotten about them in spite of myself? Have I become selfish. Truly, I want an answer. Because I can't divorce the idea that I'm the happiest and most independent I've ever been but I'm still so far from everyone that I'm supposed to know and love. Tell me this is supposed to be happening. You know, because really, is it this culture that has influenced me so much? Is it the pub culture, is it the fact I can drink a guinness after class, and feel better? Is it the fact that I've let go that I've unclasped my hands from the railing and I don't really care if I fall? I truly don't care. Because it isn't apathy, what I'm feeling. I've felt true apathy before, and it is the most frightening thing I've ever experienced. That was emptiness, this is fullness to the point that I can't let anyone in, I don't have room. Analysis

The other side is that everyone thinks that because I'm in Ireland every day is an exciting adventure. And it is in a way, I mean I pass castle ruins on the way to class, and I'm visiting places of legend every weekend, but that doesn't mean I'm not also living the day to day, too. So, when I say that I'm not going to update for awhile, I'm just trying to amass some stories, some bits of stardust. And the fact also is, I'm realizing how shitty of a friend I'm being to you guys. Not making the effort in your lives. Why should you have to bombard me with facebook messages just to get a hi? It's not fair. It's the same thing with Tim. He thinks I don't care about him. It's not true. It's that I don't want to feel heartache at missing him. I want to soak this all up, this independence up because if I want him when I get back, we'll get married. Can I live independently from him? Or will I get absorbed? I'm so scared to get absorbed. I'm so worried about doing poorly in school though, too.

The other other side of this coin is I'm afraid I'm happy to spend money. I mean, I do live a simple life here, with a stupid phone, and living off of pasta and beans and soup nutella but I'm having trouble telling myself no. That's it. I'm indulging so hard on everything. I'm planning on going to Paris and Italy to see Evie as well as Scotland and England to see Jess and Emy. Am I crazy? It's going to be so expensive. I have the money, but when I get back I'll be broke as fuck. But there's this little point of me that bleeds all over my clothes so everyone can see that I'm dying to see this huge world. I want these places under my belt. I've seen Spain, and with these other countries, I can go home happy. And then plan to travel to see eastern europe, like Germany with Tim, and even America that I've only seen a small portion of. I just have to believe that I'll never get this kind of opportunity again so it has to be thieved and seized. I wish someone could convince me of that though....

The Scratched Out, The Match is Out

And of course, your updates! Keep 'em coming, loves! I love you KKK. Good luck, Katelyn<3

I suppose I should take the time to reflect, but I'm so afraid it'll come out like one big complaint so let me do this right and balance the good with the bad. I've been trying to sit down and process but there never seems like enough time, or when I go to do it I feel like I don't want to but if I don't I'll forget the little things so this is going to be a bit of stream o consciousness. I finally got some paper, I didn't bring a shred with me...not even a pen so I felt a lot more normal when I did that. My roommate is extremely nice, but I can't shake the feeling she doesn't like me much. What can you do? and though I had some trouble finding friends at first I do have a few people I talk to and I like that almost better than running around with a big group. I'm excited for the Irish students to come, I'm hoping that they like me. They will probably be here some time this weekend. I kinda had a breakdown to my mom the other day. She told me that I'd find someone who "understands" me and I couldn't help thinking what a weird child she had that I needed someone to understand me. I'm trying not to have a pity party, but it's hard when I keep finding the hats and the streamers and confetti to have one. I'm pretty paranoid that no one likes me, but I'm also trying not to care because I didn't really come here to spend my time with Americans. I'll find friends, right?

Anyway, I obviously have not been accident proof since I got here. I slipped on the tile and fell on my ass the other day. Then I was playing gaelic football and I'm about 80% sure I broke my pinky. hahaha. It's been like 3 days and it's still swollen and black and blue.

So there's that. Then we learned about classes today and I'm getting more and more excited for them. I mean that's my jam. Class. I mean, modules, that's what they call them. I was pretty happy because I think I'll get the classes I need and when I come back, I'll take classes over the summer but then my schedule won't be bad senior year if I'm not forgetting anything ha. I did it out today, and it looks good so there's that. It's different here; you get a 1 week period to "shop around" for classes, so you go to as many as you like and you just go to them. You have to have them picked by the 16th or so, but us international students have to actually register for them by the 23rd. There's no real worry that they might fill up too. 17,000 students go here. I'm sorry, let me run that by you again, 17,000 students go here. So, I like that because I won't ever get that experience at Arcadia. ever. And men! There's so many men here... so obviously the accents are delicious. However, I haven't really had the opportunity to talk to any of them. Only went to a pub for a couple hours last night, which was actually really fun. The alcohol content is much more here, so a pint of Guinness is bigger and has more alcohol. But you drink one and you're set for the night. The room spins and it loosens your tongue a bit but you're not obnoxious its fabulous. Just need a few drinking partners and I think it'll be alright.

Yup. So, that's about all I got. I just need to keep an open mind and heart, and not get to down. I keep having to remind myself that it's only been like what a week since I left? I need to just keep smiling. Hard to do though when ya'll aren't here this beautiful country with me. Also, I can't underestimate how much Arcadia has prepared me. We have to take 30 credits here, so 6 classes. And people have been freakin' and I'm just sitting back like hahahahahahahah I did that. And I also have to trust that this experience will make me the best person I can be. I just miss you guys so much, gah here come the tears. I also have to think about how it wouldn't been the same without Emy and Evie back home. I love you KKK, but I want us all together so I'll have to wait to see you beautiful people.

I hope this isn't boring or ungrateful sounding, but it has been helpful to decompress a bit. You guys aren't even thinking about school yet, I bet? You got so much of break left. Well, enjoy it. Do everything all day long. Or just sleep.

That's the other thing. I've been trying to do something that's scared me everyday. Last night it was actually going into the bar and ordering a drink which I've done in Spain, but have never done in the Spain bahahaha how fucked up is that? Anyway, the day before that I asked for directions, which I'm scared to do. Just a day at a time. It's also crazy to think that you guys have your whole day ahead of you when I'm like just coming home from Orientation ahhahaha. I think this week will be good though. Classes start sorta on Monday then we have an International dinner. Oh I forgot to tell you about the classes I think I'll be taking!

Global Reflections (obviously)

Irish Literature (We study Yeats and Joyce...and we get done before exams period. How cool is that???)

Gothic and American Literature (We study Faulkner and stuff. I have to make sure that these can be used as electives but I don't really register until the 23rd, so I don't really know if I'll be taking those for certain so I'm not going to freak until the end of this week.)

Irish for Beginners (They really stress the importance of taking Gaelic here, and a lot of things are IN gaelic so I'm super stoked about that.)

Cinema/Media Studies (Just an extension of concentration for Comm. nothing unusual there)

International Business (Hoping this isn't too hard...for Comm. again).

Celtic Religion and Myth (MAYBE. Using this as a self and society if I don't get into this other class...)

Indigenous Arts (Hoping to get into this. We travel around and watch films on culture and the arts. I'll be able to get to see the cities around Galway for nada!)

Alright. That was a pretty lengthy post. I'm really hoping to get the same from you guys! I'm serious. Update me. No detail is too small. Obviously, as you can see by mine.

Peace, Love, and Boondock Saints

Happy Birthday, Norman Reedus, btw!

Love,