#its ambiguous

Loyalty is such a strange concept. You don’t get it. 

Well. That’s not true. You know how valuable another person can be. How having someone to watch your back can be the difference between life and death. 

You also know that your life is far more important than theirs. If it ever came down to it, you would run away and leave them for dead in a heartbeat. You fully expect them to do the same for you. 

So maybe it’s more accurate to say that you don’t understand undying loyalty. The kind that leads a person to throwing themselves in front of a sword for someone else. The kind that leads a person to getting themselves killed. 

The idiotic kind. 

The kind that Ren seems to think you have as he hands you a sharpened axe. 

Well. No harm in playing along, right?

---

You never really intended to stick with Ren for this long. You were planning on ditching him as soon as things turned violent. 

It’s fine. That option isn’t off the table. You can still get the hell out of here. 

It doesn’t matter that your green life was just taken by a mob of all things, after you had stupidly refused to give up the chase. It doesn’t matter that you would have hunted Scar down to the ends of the earth if it meant you could get that flag back. 

It doesn’t matter. It’s fine. It’s fine.

---

The coat that Ren gives you sits heavy on your shoulders. It weighs you down, filled with expectation. 

You’ve already died twice for this man. You don’t know if you’ll make it a third. You know that he expects you to stay loyal, to stay by his side. 

The insignia upon your back feels like a death sentence already. 

You try not to think about how little the thought upsets you.

 ---

In the end, you don’t betray him. You’re never given the chance. 

You don’t even get to die for him either. What a joke. 

No, you get to experience the joys of watching Ren’s blood be spilled across the stones of the altar that he had built. 

You watch as his body crumples to the floor. You can hear your own voice, screaming his name. 

You’re almost at his side when the arrow pierces your heart. You don’t even hear it whistle through the air. 

How fucking pathetic. 

~~~~~

Loyalty is a weird concept. It’s confusing. It  doesn’t make all that much sense to you. 

You know that you’re supposed to be loyal to the Southlands, but that group was doomed from the start. You’d be an idiot to not prepare a lifeboat when you can see the iceberg in the distance. 

So you create a backup plan. You meet up with those from the fairy fort. You’re not sure why them specifically, but it feels right. 

You still don’t plan on doing anything stupid for them, but it’s good to have a backup. 

Besides, Ren owes you! He owes you for saving his life from that stupid fire. 

You still don’t know why you did that. It was a dumb decision, you could have easily gotten yourself killed in the process. 

You ignore how natural it had felt to run to his aid. How throwing yourself through the flames had been easier than breathing. 

You have to ignore it. Otherwise you might go insane. 

---

You’re the last one left. You’re left in the crumbling facade of the place you once called home. 

They’re gone. They’re all gone. 

You shouldn’t care this much. You shouldn’t be this distraught. 

You had seen the iceberg from a mile away. You had prepared the lifeboat, you were ready to bail. 

And yet… you had stayed. You didn’t abandon ship. 

You’re such an idiot.

~~~~~

Loyalty is fucking stupid. That’s the conclusion that you’ve come to. 

What’s the point of having a soulmate if they abandon you the second you mess up? Aren’t they supposed to stay by your side? To help and support you? Make sure that you don’t die?

They’re most certainly not supposed to tell you to fuck you off. 

And ok fine, you probably didn’t help when you pushed Cleo off a cliff and got you both killed, but how were you supposed to know that there was a ledge there? Honestly, you fail to see how this is your fault. 

Besides, you had died too! So it’s not exactly fair to completely blame you. 

You try to make a backup plan. You meet up with Ren and Pearl, try to create a new alliance. 

It’s the perfect group of people! The two that have been disgraced and abandoned by their soulmates and… Ren. 

For some reason. 

You’re still not entirely sure why Ren is included in the alliance, but it feels like the right decision. You barely know the guy, but you feel like you can trust him. 

It’s probably a stupid decision. It’s probably going to get you killed. You think you might ok with that.

---

In the end, you’re forced to return to Cleo’s side. You don’t want to, and you’re pretty sure she wants it even less, but you have to do what you have to do to survive. 

With everyone on red, it’s not like you have much of a choice. You need someone to watch your back if you have any hope of winning. 

You would go back to Ren and Pearl, but you have no idea where Pearl is, and Ren is—

Gone dead he’s dead and you couldn’t do anything to save him you didn’t even get to see him die you didn’t even get to give him a burial you failure how dare you abandon your king like this—

Well. He’s not here. That’s what’s important. 

So. Cleo it is.

---

When you die, it’s alone. You’re huddled in the secret passage underneath the snow. 

It’s cold. 

You wish you could say that you’re surprised Pearl turned on you. You’re not. Of course you’re not. You would have done the exact same. No point in pretending like you wouldn’t.  

You’re not that stupid.

~~~~~

Something’s wrong. Something’s broken. Something isn’t right.

You can feel it the second that you open your eyes. Someone has tampered with the world's code with your code and no one else seems to notice or care. 

Why don’t they care???

You can’t help but let out a sigh of relief when the curse burrows underneath your skin. Hard to focus on anything else when every inch of your being is screaming out for blood. 

But then you kill BigB and the curse is lifted and you’re left with nothing but the knowledge that some part of your soul has been stolen and you can’t even remember what it was.

It makes you want to scream. 

---

You return to Scott, hoping that maybe being by his side will help soothe the ache that plagues you. 

It almost works. Almost, but not quite. 

---

You try to bring it up to Scott. Subtly, of course, you’re not stupid enough to reveal a potential weakness to the people who will be trying to kill you. 

But you have to know. You have to know.

“I think something got messed up in the world creation,” you say, forcing yourself to keep your voice light. 

“What do you mean?”

“I dunno. It just… feels like somethings missing, I guess?” It’s the only way you can describe it. “It’s like there’s a bit of code missing.”

Scott freezes. He stares at the chest he was organizing. The only sounds you can hear are the waves lapping against the island. 

You knew it, you knew it!! You knew that it wasn’t just you!! There really is something wrong! It’s the only reason he would react like this!

But then he turns to you. And you feel your heart freeze in your chest. There’s no relief in his gaze, nothing that would imply he feels the same break in the world that you feel. 

Only pity.

It fills you with rage. You want to claw the expression from his face. 

“Oh… oh Martyn….”

You don’t bring it up again.

 ---

Scott tells you to kill him. He tells you that you have to do it you have to kill him. If you don’t someone else will and he’d rather it be you than anyone else. 

You’d be a failure of a right hand man teammate if you didn’t. 

You watch as his blood spills out across the stones of the altar into the water around you. 

The water is so cold.

You swallow the sob that threatens to bubble up. 

---

Grian and Pearl keep looking at you with the same pity that Scott did. They look at you like you’re a glass sculpture that could shatter at any moment. 

They know. They know something that you don’t. What do they know what could they possibly know that you don’t?

You hate it. You hate it so much. 

---

When you turn red, Scott is by your side. He gives you a red sash, embroidered with white, saying that he put it together in their spare time. 

The fabric feels warm in your hands. It feels right as you tie it around your waist. 

It’s a dumb decision. An enemy could easily grab it as you’re running away. It could easily get you killed. 

You don’t care. You need to keep it close. 

You can’t let them take it you won’t let them take it it’s all you have left of him you have nothing else you have to keep it close. 

You’re not sure why. 

---

Grian goes pale when he sees the banner around your waist.

Good. 

---

You’re one of the last three left. Scott and Impulse seem to think that the best way out of this is a fair fight, that it’s the best way to decide a winner. You watch them toss their armor and weapons into a pile in the sand. 

Scott and Impulse are idiots. 

You don’t care that Scott has been your teammate since day one. You’ve known from the start that your life is far more important than his. 

You’re not here to make friends and play nice. You’re here to win.

---

Their bodies hit the sand. The banner around your waist is stained with blood. 

You’re crowned the winner. 

Your memories return, and everything makes sense.

~~~~~

He’s not here again. It still hurts, but not as much as it did. Because you remember him now. You know what it is that you’re missing. 

You tell Jimmy that you’ll stick by his side, but it’s more of a formality than anything else. You’re not about to get yourself killed for him. 

There’s only one person who you would consider throwing yourself in front of a sword for, and he’s not here.

Jimmy doesn’t need to know that. 

--- 

You hear a snicker from behind you as you’re working on the base. 

“‘Big dogs’, huh?” Scott asks. 

You pointedly ignore the look that you know he’s giving you. You don’t even have to turn around to see it. You can feel it digging into your skull. 

You laugh. “I have no idea what you could possibly be referring to.”

It’s almost enough to soothe the ache in your soul. 

Almost, but not quite. 

~~~~~

You think you might understand why people chose to die for others. 

The realization clicks into place as you open your eyes and—

Oh. Ren is standing next to you. 

He’s back. He’s here he’s back he’s standing right beside you and you can hear him laughing and the sound feels like returning home.

He doesn’t remember everything anymore. He doesn’t remember the exact way that your hands had trembled when you cut off his head, he doesn’t remember the way that he had comforted you after your first death, he doesn’t remember the time that you spent together. 

You don’t care. You don’t care even the slightest bit. He doesn’t need to remember the history that you once shared to know that you’re with him until the end.

You didn't want to wake up, or move really. The events of last night made you feel like a useless stupid fool. You trend in something you could barely understand yourself. You were young compared to him. What was your life compared to his? Nothing. If only you could realize your mistake sooner, you could have avoided all this. 

   On the flip side, said your brain, what if he doesn't realize the importance of the image you created?

You laughed to yourself, of course he understood to say that he didn't you would be calling him worse than an idiot. You wanted to go back in time and take back that stupid fairth and destroy it with your own hands. 

   Enough of this brooding! Roared Epona, which startled you so bad you completely fell out of the bed. Your heart was hammering and your face was flush with adrenaline. 

    You will face the day because I say so! Get up and get ready! I want to eat Vanir today. 

Oh, you forgot your daily training with that… What could you even call him? A maggot? A worm? You tried several colorful language choices but none seemed to fit the hatred that soared in you where Vanir was concerned. 

Setting into place your mask, belt, sword and satchel, you hesitated opening the door that led to the main part of the hut. Deciding that if you didn't Epona would drag the meat from your bones with her barbed tongue, you opened the door. 

It was empty, much to your odd satisfaction but a bowl of bread and fruit was placed out for you. Eating quickly, you climbed onto Epona, heading to the field where Eragon and Saphira were already sparring with Vanir. You saw how by the time Eragon was worn, and attacks had captured him for far longer than the lesson itself, Eragon and Vanir used magic against each other. 

You sparred with Vanir as normal, keeping your mouth shut and focusing more on your sword. Your skills have improved, but you were way too cautious. Making the spar longer than it needed to be, and while you could block Vanir's attacks, when he began to bombard you is when you gained bruises and occasionally, some blood was drawn. 

Heading back to the hut was dreaded, but you steeled your nerves and landed with Eragon and Oromis just starting the lesson as you landed. Epona headed off to learn, and you headed off to the gallows. Eragon was already recounting the events of the wordless magic as you took your seat among them. 

   "In Ellesméra," began Eragon "I saw the Queen use magic with just the clap of her hands."

Oromis seemed a little reluctant to explain just how this happened, but according to the unique circumstances he explained how thinking the ancient language is the most important part of the magic. He went on to explain that magic itself was a mystery, which made you laugh because your world had none at all. 

The training continued after that like normal, and to your relief as well as your dismay, Oromis said nothing about your fairth, not when you clashed swords or during your magic duels in which this time, protecting your mind was the most important aspect. Epona kept quiet about the fairth as well, and before you headed to sleep that night Oromis put a hand on your shoulder stopping you before you could enter your hiding place of the dream world. 

   "It has come to my attention that you are unaware of the Blood-oath Celebration. And it is approaching quickly, it is customary that you and Epona create something to show when this Celebration takes place."

You were completely stunned. Your little issue that plagued you was blown away like the wind. It was never an issue at all and you worried for nothing, because he felt nothing. Sealing those useless doubts away you asked,

   "Is it alright to use magic to create?"

   "Small parts, but not in its entirety."

You nodded, and shifted off to Epona's visions, where she was flying among the clouds, spying prey in Ellesméra. 

   Are you going hunting? I want to join you. I miss meat. Epona agreed, and you returned to yourself. 

   "Thank you for telling me, I would have looked like an idiot if I showed up with nothing." You moved toward the door, ready to enjoy a nice meal in a long time. 

   "Is that all you wanted to tell me?" 

He stood there, his eyes  unfocused and far away.

    "You are going hunting with Epona? Still after all your meditation?"

You said yes, and he looked a little shocked.

   "I have felt the animals, but I really do miss meat, and while I understand why elves stray from it I, as Vanir has pointed out each day, am not an elf."

After a careful choice of words you added,

   "I hope it doesn't upset you, ebithril"

It only felt right to use that, since it felt beyond awkward to address him when you had embarrassed the both of you with the mistake you made with the fairth. 

   "Do not" said Oromis. "let needless anxiety fuel needless fears."

And then, he used your name. Not 'weasel' but the name that you used back home. It was such a shock that it stuck you in place, but you gave some form of acknowledgement and briskly walked to Epona, and then your mind was lost as you removed yourself from your own sorrow. You only became aware when Epona dropped a set of deer before you. 

   Cook them for me, I haven't shared a meal with you in ages. It is a missed feeling. 

Using magic, you created a fire, and watched as the meat cooked upon the flame. Here, in the quiet of the forest, and the company of Epona you cried. You cried for the home you lost, for the life you were ripped from, for the friendship you probably lost because you let feelings get the better of you. Epona shared your emotions, and her body shook with each sob that escaped you. When the fit was finally over, you ate the meat you cooked savagely. You fed Epona too, and she enjoyed it, but you didn't want to go back to the hut red eyed and puffy, so you slept there in the comfort of Epona. 

The days continued like normal leading up to whatever the Blood-Oath Celebration entailed, but to distract your mind, you spent most of your free hours - which were dead early in the morning - to creating your gift. It called for you to use magic to hollow the wood, but once that was done, you created holes with tools along the oval shaped instrument. Blowing through the top with select fingers on specific holes created a sweet melody, but it was still off, so you burned that creation with a single word and decided to take a break. Sometimes you would grab a scroll from Oromis' hut and try your hand at reading the ancient language which was a little difficult for you, but the scrolls you always ended up grabbing would be a story about an elf and a human. You would put those back as fast as possible and instead chose to read about the Urgals war history. 

Oromis was mostly busy with some type of illustration or painting, which you assumed were for whatever this Celebration was so you two didn't speak much outside of breakfast and sometimes he would hand you the tea he was drinking. 

It was a nice routine, and it never really strayed. Today you and Eragon were focused on the writing of the ancient language. You were better than him at it, but you assumed that was because of his difficulty with literature in the first place. You were in the middle of writing, when an unbearable amount of anxiety gripped you, and you spilled the ink all over the parchment you were given.

You were looking around, wide eyed as a doe, sending your consciousness outward to sense the danger only to find nothing at all. Your hands shook, and your body followed, hugging yourself to stop the tremors. Oromis eyed you with concern and placed his hands on your shoulders to help keep you still. 

   "What's wrong? What happened?"

You could barely form a coherent thought, and then you gripped your head as you fell out of the chair you sat in. It felt like a boulder was thrown directly at your forehead. Across from you, Eragon was similarly affected, and so was Oromis who clutched his arm in a vice grip. 

   Epona! You yelled out, desperate to reach her. 

   I am returning, calm yourself. 

It made it harder to calm down when Oromis grabbed his sword and made his way outside. You and Eragon followed him as you stood anxiously, with shaking hands. Finally, a golden and white dragon made it into view. Epona was anxiously flying around Glaedr, and the closer they got the more you could see the wound Gleadr had. Eragon ran to Saphira at the suggestion of Oromis, and he was out of sight before you could wish him luck. Epona seemed just as shaken as you, and sought out your comfort, curling her neck around you so that you were pulled close. 

   Saphira and I smashed heads like Urgals in greeting. 

Ah, so that was what you felt. 

   What happened? 

And Epona showed you, rather than spoke of the events. Saphira's advances on Glaedr went on deaf ears, and she attacked him. Epona had sensed the danger before Saphira attacked, and tried to defuse the situation, which led to the injury she sustained. When your anxiety subsided Epona let you go, and you cautiously made your way over to Oromis. 

   "Will he be alright?"

   "It's a mere scratch. What about Epona?"

You shrugged

   "Epona and Saphira butted heads, but nothing more."

The two of you sat close together, closer than you have been recently. Neither of you said much, but it was nice to be in the other's company. Gleadr recovered soon enough, and Epona hung around him, careful to avoid the place he was hit. Everything was calm by the time Oromis told you to grab your sword and start training again. You were doing well with both hands now, and you could call magic faster, and weave more complex spells. The nightly duels were a nice stress relief. In terms of magic, but each night seemed to carry with it an attack for Oromis. This night was no different, and you sat by him during each one, despite him saying he was fine. His muscles were relaxing now, which meant he was coming back to himself. 

   "We could stop doing the night magic duels, you know? I don't like watching this happen."

He laid there, his eyes locked on the many stars of the sky. 

   "It will happen regardless. I enjoy them anyway, it is a passion of mine, using magic."

You laid down next to him, careful to keep your distance. 

   "Could you make a fairth?"

The request caught you completely off guard, and it made you cringe at the thought of the last one you created. 

    "If this is about-"

   "It is, but I want to just confirm something."

   "And if I say no?" 

He turned to you, his grey eyes looked tired and worn. 

   "Then you say no, but you also don't know what I am trying to confirm."

   "I could take a wild guess." You offer, but he doesn't say anything more. Against your better judgment, you start creating the fairth. Rolling the odd thing in your hand, you decide to make it more clear to him what you meant when you created the last fairth. 

You straddled him and felt his body go completely still, his eyes watching your every movement. He didn't move as you touched his face, his body, and his hair, the last of which you enjoyed the most. When the fairth was done, you couldn't look at it, only hand it to Oromis. He admired it and clutched the object gently in his hands. 

   "The Celebration is tomorrow. I will take you to the menoa tree, and you must promise to never leave my side for the duration of the celebration."

Rolling your eyes, you laid down on top of him. 

   "Patience is the first thing I taught you. I hope you keep that in mind."

The day of the Celebration, you rode on Gleadr's back into the capital city. You kept your mask on, and the gift you created was safely tucked into your satchel. 

   "Have you said those nine spells I gave you?" Asked Oromis as you both landed, and were greeted very friendly by various elves, mostly Epona and Gleadr got their attention. 

   "Yes yes I have them, and I'll stay by you, I know the game plan Oromis, how bad can this forest orgy be?"

He rubbed his temples. 

   "It. Is. Not. An. Orgy. It is to celebrate the treaty with the dragons."

   "Magical forest orgy." You retorted. 

Various sort of camps were made around the massive tree that stood at the heart of the forest. You followed Oromis, where the both of you took a seat and watched as the Queen took a ball of light and placed it inside a little nook in the tree. 

After that, you were not very present mentally. At first you stayed by Oromis, but you remember being pulled into a dancing circle, where many of the elves touched your mask. Their laughter and joy echoed in your head, hypnotizing you to dance until your feet couldn't carry you anymore. After watching an elf play a strange instrument he made that let your mind ring and your head feel like shattered glass, you think it's a great idea to pull out your gift. 

Pulling out the wooden instrument you created, the Wooden Ocarina. You played Epona's song, and were surprised that she showed up and hummed along to the music. The elves cheered you on and, enjoying the attention, you played an iconic melody and the wooden Ocarina shifted to a dark blue. Everyone present cheered, and you played until you passed out, your music was still in the air, being sung by the birds and the grass alike. 

You woke up in Oromis' arms, he was cradling you against himself. You pushed him away in a feeble attempt to join the music again. 

   "You didn't stay with me, and look what happened!"

   "M'fine…."

He violently shook you like the idiot you were, and the force was shocking enough to bring you halfway back to reality, but not by much. Fueled by the anger in knowing you could no longer enjoy the music, you lashed out. 

   "You made me make a stupid fairth, twice and you say nothing about them. Why should I stay with you?"

His grey eyes had stars in them which made you laugh as you ran a hand through his hair. 

   "You assume they meant nothing to me?"

You nod, still laughing as you tugged at the roots of his stupidly pretty hair. 

   "I kept them because they showed me how you really felt. I didn't destroy them, but I knew how torn you were about showing them to me so I kept it to myself."

He put two fingers on your lips, and you did the same to his own. 

   "I realize now that was a mistake."

You're not sure what happened or who initiated all you know is he was kissing you, and you enjoyed it. Even surrounded by all the other elves you felt like only the two of you existed. He kissed you everywhere he could touch, your forehead, your hair, your hands. At some point you had lost your mask, and then you could feel the grass touch your bare back, and you realized you had also lost whatever it was you were wearing, but you didn't even care who saw you right now, all you wanted to do was drown in this moment forever.

You could feel his kisses trail down your stomach, onto your thighs, and there was a keen burning sensation each time his mouth connected to your body. Your heart was beating so loud and fast, that it sounded as if it was following the music. 

Then his mouth found the most sensitive part of you, and he licked and sucked the area leaving you in a soundless gasp as you dug your hands in his hair, coaxing him to continue, to never stop. Your legs were over his shoulders, his hands held your thighs in place as you squirmed the more he moved his tongue around. Your gasp became louder and you tried to cover them up but Oromis was quick to catch your hand. 

   I want to hear everything, I want to feel everything from you. I want to share it, let me into your mind, let me share everything that I feel with you. 

You let him into your mind, as fully and completely as you would Epona, and he did the same. The distant music that echoed in Oromis' head almost made you completely lose yourself if it weren't for the constant reminder that his tongue was slowly working you to a climax. The emotion you felt from him almost seemed to enhance the experience, as you felt your body building to release. You could feel him starting to move in quick strokes, and your entire body began to clench, his name coming from your mouth in between the gasps that escaped you. 

   "Oromis…. Oromis…"

You let yourself go, finally able to release just as the music hit a fever pitch. You lay there, exposed, excited, and still you wanted more, but for the moment Oromis held you as close to himself as possible as you let your mind wander into his own enchanting music. 

The rest of the Celebration was much the same with you and Oromis also taking time for yourselves, probably much more than needed but still, you and Oromis watched people present their gifts. Oromis presented his own, which was the illustration you always saw him working on. In your mind's haze it took you a while to realize what exactly it was, but the art looked impressive, and had skills even the most adept human from your time would have trouble to imitate. Epona and Saphira presented their gifts as well, both items were made from stone, but you weren't mentally present enough to understand what was in front of you. 

On the last day, your mind was the clearest as it could be, and you sat with Oromis, as some sort of play was taking place. 

   Pay attention, this is important history of the riders. 

Your minds were still connected, and it was an odd comfort, but still you watched as twin elves danced, finally forming a beautiful white dragon much like Epona which startled you. But they focused more on Eragon, as it touched him and then he fell completely limp. 

   Was that supposed to happen?

You could feel Oromis give you a stupid look, an emotion that said "no, idiot of course not" but you couldn't see what exactly happened to Eragon as he was being carried away by Arya. Before you could even make to follow them, Oromis grabbed your arm and pulled you away. 

    "Something is happening and the Queen requests your presence, put on your mask now." 

You dumbly followed as you realized you hadn't worn your mask for the majority of the Celebration. Oromis lead you into some sort of house, then down hallways of portraits, and finally into a room full of elves with the Queen at the head of the table that was in the middle of the room. 

You, Thief of Tierm, Weasel of Trades, and many more names people had called you, have made it into the war room of the Queen.  

———————————————————