Chronology of Guild Wars 2: Kestin Style
Okay, so there's this evil dragon. And you have to kill it. First you go around helping people and dealing with your character's backstory and all that. It's not really important and there's too many different options for me to sum up all of them. Then you go run some errands with a bunch of groups that are all trying to hire you because you're cool. You can either join the Book People, the War People, or the Secret People.
Book People quest: You join up with a tree to find a magic sword that's actually evil. The tree's boss is a member of a race of super smart house elves. He yells at the two of you a lot because the tree is kind of an idiot, but she's also endearing.
War People quest: You join up with a giant to break up some fights between humans and cats. This involves killing the giant's boss's son. She's totally cool with this.
Secret People quest: You join up with a cat to save a girl from her evil dad who wants to steal the throne from the queen, who's also the guard captain's kind-of girlfriend, so that's kinda stupid of him, really. Then she probably hooks up with either some rogue or the cat.
After that, you can either convince some Aztec frogs to stop letting their people become zombies, convince some tribal monkeys to stop worshipping a god that turns them into ice zombies, kill an ogre chief that got turned into a crystal zombie, protect the cutest, cuddliest race in the whole world from more ice zombies, or protect some hive-minded rats from evil lava rocks. You get promoted for it, right before you find out there's a ghost lizard in the capital city, and it's a harbinger of the dragon coming to fuck things up.
So you go with your new BFF to fight zombies at a fortress. A cat tells you it's impenetrable. He dies. So does your BFF. Also, you meet a tree who knows a lot about zombies because he dreamed about them in the womb. Then you have to protect the city from the zombies, and after you do that, the new tree takes you on a vacation into a dream world where you have visions about stuff, and then his psychic mom tells you your headquarters is being attacked by zombies, so you teleport there and fight them off.
Then you somehow convince the three different groups to join together into an army led by the tree. You all go back to the fortress, where there's a miniature version of the big evil dragon just chilling out in its new pad, and it tries to kill you with really bad breath, so you kill it by whacking at its toes. Then you do some more stuff that helps the new army bond or whatever. You also kill the dragon's eyes and mouth.
Also, there are some death traps you can walk into, and if you do, you get to reunite the totally whipped human guard captain with his cat ex-boyfriend, get an insecure giant to feel better about herself, help one of the small genius elf people kill her dead father figure's former son figure and then tell her to snap out of it and join the group, and help a lesbian tree not get back together with her evil ex-girlfriend.
Then you take these people and your army to the land of zombies and death, where you fly up into the sky on a magic boat and fire magic laser cannons at the evil dragon until it falls off a tower and dies. Partying ensues. A magician shows up and makes ghost birds appear, and then everyone dances. Then a dead king from a million years ago shows up to throw a giant Halloween party and play Simon Says while making bad puns. You can learn to make bad puns by dressing up as him.
Later on, some capitalists try to turn an island into a resort. Problem is, it's filled with evil crabs. One of the house elves manages to pin all the blame on a tree. Eventually the tree gets mad at the capitalists and makes all the crabs angry, so a guard blows up a ship. Then Santa Claus, who is one of the house elf gnome people, shows up in a UFO and fails to realize his robot girlfriend is evil.
After that, some Communist mole rats join forces with some evil cats, and you have to help a good cat and a teenage giant with the world's worst hairstyle go into another death trap. The cat wants to join a cat gang and the teenager is the insecure lady's long-lost son. The two of them will probably get together.
In the meantime, another of the tiny smart gnome creatures makes a magic video game where you have to fight monkeys with a stick and rescue him while he's wearing a princess outfit. Also, it involves clouds that have a few different emotions based on what difficulty you play in. If you play on easy mode, they eject rainbows from their asses. It's very helpful.
Anyway, after the tree from earlier does his whole crab rampage, the whole city throws a dragon-themed party and gives away lots of candy named after the dragon you killed in the sky. A very catchy song is involved. But someone kills a pirate, which makes everyone mad, so you team up with a detective and her girlfriend to find out whodunnit. Then people vote on who the next pirate should be. This involves sky people who worship the one non-evil dragon that ever existed and their magic crystals that make you run really fast and jump really high. The human orphan pirate beats the rich cat pirate.
Then the queen of the humans throws a party to show off her new sexy fembots, but a tree turns them evil and kidnaps some people. She strips the people naked and tries to cook them. The video game gnome guy accidentally summons an 8-bit genie that tells you how to sabotage his ex's boyfriend's science experiment. He also makes some angry clouds to go along with the happy ones from earlier. Some drama occurs with one of the dead dragon's minions, who gets bigger and stronger than before, and it takes a lot more damage to his toes to kill him.
So the lesbian tree from before goes back into her ex's hideout to hunt down the evil tree, the evil ghost king comes back with his even eviler ghost son who has a phobia of candy corn, and then the tree convinces some of the other evil trees who worked for the lesbian tree's ex-girlfriend to join up with some snake people to build a giant hallucinogenic tower.
The pirate who got elected pirate president before comes back and pokes her nose into a house elf's pocket universe, somehow changing its contents in the process, and Santa comes back as oblivious as ever. The evil tree attacks a snowy mountain with a giant sexy robot, and an even tinier genius house elf shows up to worship the evil tree. She gets over it eventually.
You do some more detective work with the human lesbians, the cat who wants to join the gang led by the guard captain's ex, the guy with bad hair, and the tiny smart kid who rides around on a not-sexy robot. You figure out that the tree is going to attack the capital city. So you warn the pirate cops. They don't listen. Again. Whole place goes kaboom, you have to fix it. You fail to stop the tree from poking a hole in reality and waking up a tree dragon.
