#is this dramatic?

Point blank.

Do not upload my fanfics (or any of my original work for that matter) to other platforms. ESPECIALLY AI ones.

If I find out you've done so, not only will I block you on everything so you can never read my works ever again, but I will make sure every author and every artist that I know will know your name, too, so that you may be blacklisted from anything we ever create. I will make it clear to every creative within my reach that you BETRAY the very people who give you art by STEALING it. That you are undeserving of the products of our love and labor.

i don’t really know why, but i just have this urge to articulate some of the thoughts swirling in my brain this week. about how much i love the game, the atmosphere, the presence, the players, and everything else surrounding this sport.

i didn’t grow up around hockey, football being the most loved sport in my corner of the world. and honestly, i saw hockey as a ‘filler’ sport most of the time, no one ever really talking about it or watching it. it was just there. always browsing channels and seeing a game on, but never once giving it a second glance.

and i’ll be so totally transparent, the hockey romance books on tik tok are what got me, not a genuine love for the sport itself. i only started watching because i wanted to understand the lingo used and scenarios explained in the books.

i kept seeing all of these tik toks about various players, halfway paying attention and only really commenting on how attractive they were. but then, i really started watching them. i started seeing the personalities peek through each media post, how each one plays the game in their own way, the friendship among the players on and off the ice.

of course, i went through a couple different teams and ‘typical’ duos before settling on my team (the devils, duh). i actually remember scrolling through tumblr, seeing this random man keep popping up on my timeline, not understand why people kept talking about him or where he came from. and lo and behold, imagine my surprise when i saw nico’s face on the devils roster, my mystery man finally identified.

and all the time i’m asked by those around me (mostly the men) “what in the world got you so into hockey? and a team from new jersey at that?”

of course, no matter my response they all just assume it’s because of their looks, but how do you explain the abundance of feminine love and comfort that sits within you for a sports team of grown men, to a man? so i just laugh and go on, telling them i just liked the ‘good vibes’ of their social media videos.

but they won’t ever get it.

they don’t see the way i look forward to coming home from work every day during the season to watch a game. whether the day was good, or bad, or just okay. i know that there’s always that one good thing to be excited about. win or lose.

they don’t see the joy i experience when they win. i always celebrate in some way, even when i’m alone in my bedroom. a little victory dance, an air high five to my tv (if you read this no you didn’t 💔), a text to one of the various friends this sport has brought me.

but of course, they don’t see the friends i’ve gained from hockey. i know there’s some taboo-ness surrounding the idea of friends on the internet, but what else are you supposed to do when you were a teenage girl in the 2010s, where social media was everyone’s main source of communication (and still is). the world is so much more joyous when you can bond with strangers over common interests, no matter where you’re placed in the world. and duh, we all have common sense and know when someone isn’t who they say they are. we are professionals at this, after all.

they choose not to see the depth and layers to sports that so many of us are able to see. they don’t understand that sports aren’t a just a collection of wins and losses. they’re not just a database of stats. they’re these players lives. it’s something these people have worked so hard for —sacrificed for— since they were kids. they don’t hold the same compassion that we do for bad days or bad plays.

they don’t see the appeal of liking multiple teams, not understanding the joy in the fact that each team has something different to offer. it’s always black and white to them. you like one team, and hate all the rest. but, where’s the joy? where’s the joy missed out on in being able to discover and study a whole new roster? where’s the joy in only consuming content about one team? cause me personally, i find a lot of joy in witnessing the nuances of a team other than my own. i find joy in learning the history and traditions of different fanbases.

they don’t see the way that this sport has carried me through the first major loss of my adult life. the fact that when everything felt so wrong and dismal, the only thing to put a smile on my face was this silly game with its silly guys. it was something to be excited about on a day full of goodbyes and grieving. it was a distraction from the reality of the world around me.

so yeah, i’m sure when they see that i’m suddenly obsessed with a sport with large, fit men, they’re gonna chalk it up to the fact i just like looking at them. but they don’t see everything i see when i look at the sport of hockey as a whole.

and maybe i’m just being dramatic and too caught up in my own head, but there was something in me that just needed to write this down. organize it. and maybe you don’t care, but maybe you do.

but my love letter to hockey will always be ongoing, incomplete, and open-ended. because there’ll always be a new season to watch, new players to show love. i will always find new things to love about the sport, every game watched peeling back another layer to be observed.