#is fucking hell

Minnesota is hell in earth, and I don’t know how Canadians, Serbs, or Russians can adapt. I spent my whole life here and I am still surprised how I can survive. Let me summarize the catastrophe of Minnesota weather.

Every Summer, in comparison to the South, have suffocating heat. Because of the moisture we’re gifted with via currents all year round, it’s literally like living in a swamp, except we barely have swamps, not like the ones you see in Louisiana and Texas with vines running amok. Nope. Our swamps are just lakes with lots of algae and weeds that like to tangle your motor and on your feet and drag you to the depths of hell where snapping turtles and giant fish like Northerns and Muskie like to hide in. (I’ll add pics later when I am not on mobile.)

Above you see our wonderfully monstrous Northern Pike. 

Below, are examples of our Muskie. 

okay, I am getting off topic. Now, you’re sweating NONSTOP. Once you open the door to outside, its literally like walking into the wall. You can feel the difference, and you lose your breath because you’re breathing air as you would if you in a sauna, and I am not exaggerating there. What would be 70-90 degree weather (and this is in farenheight because Americans are weird) but with humidity it will feel like 90-102, and then you have rain on a daily basis that is a perfect concoction for severe storms.

You’re looking at tornadoes, 50-100mph (not sure how to convert that into kilos) natural wind funnels of mass destruction that can take a house right off its foundation and drop off pieces of it a good 30 some miles away.

Hail the size of baseballs that can obliterate glass on cars and windows. Flash floods. Wind gusts that topple trees and god knows where those land. This goes on for a good 3-4 months if we’re lucky.

Lucky, you ask? But I just bitched about that for a good paragraph. How can I consider THAT lucky in contrast to what I am about to say next? Winter is a whole new level of Hell.

One would doesn't live here would assume this:

Here's the motherfucking reality: 

Easily in one night we get a good 3 feet of snow dumped on us, and it doesn’t fucking stop. FOR A GOOD 6 FUCKING MONTHS BECAUSE WE LIVE IN A ZONE THAT ALLOWS THAT BULLSHIT, we have to shovel more snow in a day TWICE than what a southerner will have to in a lifetime. We have to spend a fortune on winter apparel and taxes on snow plowers to pave streets they rarely ever get to. Meaning our cars are trapped under a mountain of snow, so cold that our engines fail, and our streets have a tendency to trap cars.

Think I'm kidding?

Now, snow is horrible, but ice? Its Satan’s way of fucking us in the ass. Black ice had me spinning on the road into reverse traffic and into ditches for the past 3 years. It doesn’t give a fuck if you have 4wd, you put a x ton vehicle on a road with black ice its instantly car hockey and you start praying JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!