#iplayoutside

If you would’ve asked me 6 months ago where I would be and what I would be feeling, I couldn’t have guessed this. Life is like that. We take ourselves on strange journeys. Most of the time without ever realizing it.

In the last six months, I feel that I have finally come into my own. I am owning my life for all of its flaws and all of its joy.

I sometimes think I lost myself around age 11 or 12. I didn’t realize I had lost myself until around age 23. It took me until age 25 to realize I needed to find my inner self again. I now feel that it took until 29 to become myself again.

I have friends that are low in quantity, yet so very high in quality. 

I have found a partner in life who supports my ambitions, my quirks, and most importantly my flaws. He may never embrace whitewater, climbing, sleeping in the woods, mountain biking, EDM, yoga, poetry, or any of my other hobbies and interests.. but he embraces me as a complete and whole person. That allows me to embrace him as he is and appreciate and support him in all his wonderful characteristics and even in his flaws. If he can tolerate the dirt under my finger nails and the way my gaze always is drawn to the window to look outside, then how can I not adore his night owl ways and his deep interests in the fermentation of hops and things. I’ve had many boyfriends and relationships, yet he is the only person I’ve been with that I would consider to be my partner. That is everything. 

I have a life that is messy and complicated. I am for all intents and purposes homeless for 7 months out of the year. [#vanlife] Partially it is a choice to embrace the lifestyle I desire. It is also a necessity to try to make any progress on paying down my student loan debt. It took a few years to recover from the financial mess I allowed my ex to drag me into. Through hard work, I have finally started to make progress financially and I am drawing closer to that excellent credit score.

I spend each year doing what I love. I just need to remember to appreciate and embrace the experiences I am gifted with. It’s hard in this age of social media to not have some envy at other people’s life experiences, but when we focus on others we miss out on the beauty of our own life experiences. Believe it or not, but everyday you have an experience that somebody else will never have. Maybe it is something as adventurous as kayaking off a waterfall, or maybe it is slipping into Vriscikasana as part of your daily practice, but perhaps it is a simpler thing. Walking along the beach in the morning? Catching the subway as part of your daily commute? Navigating a city street with ease? Sipping a morning coffee at the local shop where they know your coffee order? Maybe it’s waking up to see the sunrise? It could be something even more simple. Maybe it’s driving by the resort entrance and seeing children playing in the snow for the very first time. Or could it be just the smile you gave to a stranger who walked by. I don’t know what your unique experience is, maybe it’s a moment I couldn’t even imagine. All I know is that I’m sure you have it and it is uniquely yours. All we need to do is embrace it. I’ve never felt more uniquely aware of the simple beauty and pleasures in life. I only hope I continue to grow more observant and thankful for what experiences are given to me.

I find myself 29 for the first time and for the only time. I can never be who I am at this exact moment again. I want to hold onto it like a tight hug to one of my favorite human beings, but not hold to long. Let this moment flow in and out of my life like water moving downstream. I made a list of 29 things I want to do as gifts to 29 year old me. I’m excited to work towards completing the list, but I’m not putting any pressure on myself if the lift evolves into different things. I made a blog to record my experiences. I’m one post in.. If I make more than 3 posts it will be my most successful blogger venture yet! Maybe I will share it here eventually?

I hope whatever age you are right now that you see happiness in something small. I hope you recognize the magic and wonder we each hold inside ourselves. I hope you see that a coffee with friends or the feeling of the breeze is the joy you are looking for. Maybe everything I think is wrong. Maybe my narrative doesn’t fit you. I hope that you know that’s okay too.