This weekend, I did a lot of thinking and realized that my desire for a relationship isnât about loveâitâs about distraction. A way to avoid the work I need to do.
My mind has latched onto this man because moving forward scares me. Doing the work, achieving what I truly wantâitâs daunting. Because the truth is, change and growth are terrifying. What if, even after I accomplish everything, Iâm still not happy? What if Iâm still not loved?
I know this is just an unhealthy coping mechanism, but I havenât figured out how to break the cycle yet. Itâs the same with overeatingâjust yesterday, I spent 40 euros on KFC. Itâs the same with online shopping. I keep telling myself that he doesnât like me, that this is nothing more than a distraction from reality, but the thought still lingers.
The truth is, this isnât about relieving stress. Itâs about giving my brain somethingâanythingâelse to fixate on. Like procrastinating with Netflix or doom-scrolling on YouTube, this is just another way to put off facing what actually matters.
On a brighter note, Iâve been doing well with my weight loss. I havenât been as consistent with the gym as Iâd like, but Iâm still making progress, and that counts. Tonight, Iâm just going to study and unwindâI didnât sleep well last night, and Iâm exhausted. A quiet evening sounds perfect.














