I Don’t (Self) Care
Everytime I have the gall to feel dissatisfaction At the cataclysmic pass rate I've achieved That familiar little advice pops into my inbox The one that implies little confidence is elixir That unlocks all your widest dreams and reels them in And makes all forms of loneliness redundant Of course there's a little summant in that But I've been stargazing over the past few nights, and I wonder...
Is it so bad that It gets a little exhausting at times? I know, lift your head high and all that Take it from me: I've mastered the art Of a love so selfish; Narcissus would blush But it's still a blow to your entire life When your baby grimaces at your whole being
Cos it's not the isolation that stings That's a wound well and truly self-inflicted I'm not broken up about breaking up either It's the idea I've gone diving with the sharks again And for the all the gashes and cuts, I've come up cheap First Gold, then pounds and now merely pennies
It's that feeling that years of love won't protect you From your special one treating you like chewing gum Just something to be spat out, when the flavours unfamiliar They'll listen to enough whispers in the grapevine Start to see your low maintenance in incredible highs Start to tickle your guilt: For the unforgivable sin of being
No matter how intense our love had been No matter the years of memories and affection we've built It can all come undone in a matter of minutes Cos my autisticness starts to become noticeable Cos after a bad day, my disorders are too intense "Why can't you perform these ultimately inconsequential Social acts exactly the same as everyone else?" That's an easy one: Cos no one's cared before you honey
That's the part that really starts to sting Where a soap opera really turns into a tragedy You can make yourself better if you're an arsehole You can spruce yourself up if you've gotten in a rut But how does one feasibly address a review like that? Time and time again romance only serves to prove You're only good for a temporary pit stop A source of thrill and spills, before it's back to work Cos no one like you is forever
So my god, how I got self love in abundance I got time for a staring contest with my reflection But the fact I gotta reserve so much love from myself Cos there's no chance I'm getting any from my lovers I daydream of the day that love comes with no drama With someone who doesn't wince at my neurology
Is it really an exercise in the art of surrender To admit it leaves you tired every now and then? Leaves you feeling an extra stone or two? And after the fact, the idea of swimming for the social climate Just to find another lover who leaves with a gag After their vision starts to focus on who you really are? Oh it just leaves me feeling a little tired is all Makes me wanna take the summer off And catch up on all the sleep I've missed out on But of course that just delays the issue So tell me how hard do I have to love myself? Until someone sees that summant in me that I see And how many people do I have to let down before I get there? Sebastian Noël
