#instructor probs

so basically I just have to pray that I make it to finals. this is my first tournament as a black belt. in the past as a color belt, I didn’t have a lot of people in my division so I often got a medal just for showing up. I’ve never had to do multiple forms or go multiple rounds so idk what to expect. also, I got my black belt this year and I’m in the senior division with people that win nationals and go to worlds and stuff. No pressure, right??

finally black belt 🥋😍😭 the bottom two pics are my instructor (#instructor probs) and my Grandmaster. there was a time of questioning after everyone had finished all their poomsae, breaking, sparring, hapkido, weapons forms, etc. my instructor mentioned that prior to doing taekwondo, I had been his Krav Maga student. What made me decide to get my black belt? I replied, “to prove I could.” He nodded, knowingly. Those words held more meaning than the audience could ever know. You see, about four years ago I showed up early for Krav class, and I saw the taekwondo students doing beautiful spinning kicks. I wanted to do that too. I told my instructor that, and he let me try a class. I loved it. Afterward I told him that I wanted to do taekwondo, and he told me no. I weighed about 250lbs at the time, had exercise induced asthma, and couldn’t get through a warmup without stopping. He frequently had to modify our workouts for me. However, I had been losing weight through doing Krav, and I was confident I could do taekwondo if I trained hard. Now before you begin attacking my instructor or telling me that anyone can do taekwondo regardless of size or skill level - while I was very upset at the time, I realize now that he was just trying to protect me. He didn’t want to see me get hurt or frustrated if I couldn’t keep up. He told me to keep doing Krav Maga, keep training hard and losing weight, and that we could revisit doing taekwondo later. And so I did. I trained everyday. I lost weight (currently around 200lbs, lowest was 190 but hey, I like to eat 😬). I sweat my ass off in the dojang and went multiple rounds in fighting. I passed my P1 and P2 tests. Over a year later, I asked again to do taekwondo, and my instructor said yes. My original desire in getting my black belt was to prove to him that I could. To prove to Grandmaster and all the parents who shook their heads at me when their 10 year old student outperformed me. To demonstrate that there’s a place on the mats for me. But along the way, I realized it was to prove to myself that I could. Breaking through that brick was a metaphor for me breaking through all the reasons why I couldn’t succeed. My instructor texted me last night and told me that I can do anything that I set my mind to, and that he was so proud of me. Those words were healing and empowering. I know that a black belt is just a piece of cloth around your waist, but reaching this milestone has set a fire in me. I can and I will. There’s nothing I can’t do with enough time, training, and commitment. I’m so excited for the next chapter.

I said I’d post pics once I had them from last weekend’s competition, here they are! 🥋🥈🥇 I earned gold in breaking and silver in poomsae. Hope you don’t mind the (poor) censoring - since I write pretty openly both about my struggles and triumphs at the dojang, I prefer not to disclose my grandmaster’s name, the full names of other students, or the name of our dojang. 😅😬 Also, long time friends of stephfitblr my notice my instructor (#instructor probs) standing next to me in the group photo. This is the first time I’ve seen him since our last state competition in March. He’s my favorite. ❤️

{hi hello hey here comes a wall of text because I haven't blogged in soooo long and I have all this stuff built up and I'm on mobile and have no idea how to do a read more so sorry just keep scrolling if you don't wanna read okay bye} so my Grandmaster posted this on my Facebook today. (and yes, before you ask, he has "Master" listed as part of his name because he's trained for like 50 years and nobody refers to him by his first name okay enough disclosures here) if you're just tuning in, I train in taekwondo. I have been for a couple years now. I'm currently an advanced blue belt. and I've loved it for the most part. It's been a huge part of my life, yadda yadda yadda. read my "steph does taekwondo" tag if you want more backstory recently I've been having a hard time. I have thought about quitting a lot. my main instructor predominately teaches at another dojang now, I only see him in passing maybe once a month. I miss him a lot. There was just a black belt class that tested, and most of them will stop training regularly. We've had a ton of changes in people, class time, focus, etc. sometimes I'm the only adult training with a bunch of kids. sometimes grandmaster is too busy and the class is largely unstructured. sometimes he'll tell the black belts to do one thing, he takes the white belts, and then I'm left to just figure it out. I do a lot of poomsae on my own. in fact, since my instructor is at the other school right now, I'm alone a lot. Grandmaster largely ignores me. the other day, we had an unusual class of 10+ people, 8 of them lower rank than me, so I was at the front of the room (we line up in order if that makes sense). Grandmaster stood opposite of me, calling out various kicks and drills he wanted us to do. he commented on everyone's performance - "B, nice job. C, kick higher. R - switch your feet." etc etc. except me. he said nothing to me or about me and I was two feet in front of him. it was as if he was looking through me. I even purposely did the wrong moves for one drill just to see if he'd notice or say something. He didn't. a couple Saturdays ago, we had a "poomsae seminar" with a master from Korea that Grandmaster has known forever and really respects. it was three hours long. THREE HOURS. and guess how many times we did each Taeguek form? once. the first 2.5 hours were spent on just punching, kicking, stretching, and having to do punishment push-ups and stuff because the younger belts couldn't focus and kept mouthing off. I got a good workout, but I was sooo frustrated by the end. I was anticipating spending much more time going through each form, getting specific feedback, etc. the seminar was for colored belts, they had a separate seminar later that afternoon for black belts, and that's exactly what they did. they all said they loved it. Monday's class, Grandmaster asked students what they learned during the weekend's seminar. Each black belt stated something that the visiting Master taught them - the timing for a poom, clarification on whether it's a blade hand over a fist, the height of the kick or the degree of the turn. they were all happy with it. Grandmaster turns to me and asks me what I learned. I said "nothing new" which I immediately realized was the incorrect answer. He said, "nothing?" and I explained that I had envisioned spending more time doing the actual poomsae forms, since the seminar was called "poomsae seminar." I said that I felt like it wasn't for me and that I wasn't interested in doing another seminar. He. Went. Off. On. Me. And I know I'm overly sensitive. but he began ranting about how dumb I must be to think that we would have done poomsae for three hours, that poomsae is made up of each individual movement and that the focus was to strengthen each piece so that the whole would be stronger, and that he was watching me at the seminar and I was making a lot of mistakes and that it's foolish of me to think that I don't need to work on the basics and how dare I think I deserve to go to nationals if I can't even withstand a simple seminar I just kinda bowed my head and said okay and tried to not cry. he walked away from me and left me to practice my poomsae. but how do you practice after that? he just told me to do individual pieces, not the full forms. I have four different forms that could be selected for competition - which do I choose? do I pick the part I'm least familiar with, knowing he'll come by and tell me every little thing I did wrong, or do I do a part I know real well? but then I'm not practicing really. I was kinda frozen there when he turned away from the other students and back to me. he said, "well go on then, Stephanie." and I replied, "I don't know what you want me to do." he began speaking again but honestly I didn't hear any more of his words. because now is when I started crying. I work so hard, spend countless hours in the dojang, practice over and over, watch videos of other competitors to see what they do, and all I want is for him to see me and acknowledge me. I don't care if all he does is correct me, at least that'd show that he's watching. at the state competition last month, he didn't watch me perform. He didn't give me a pep talk before or criticism or praise after. he didn't even wave from across the room. my instructor watched me; he was the only one. I had just burst into tears in the middle of class and he. Kept. Talking. He didn't soften his tone or do anything to show that he even realized I was upset. I, completely embarrassed, said "I gotta go" and ran off the mat. I went into the bathroom where I proceeded to have a full blown anxiety attack. It took several minutes for me to calm down. Finally, i got it together enough to leave the bathroom, grab my gym bag, return to the bathroom to change my clothes, and walk out. I heard him ask, "are you okay?" and I said no and just kept walking. I cried all the way home. that was April 17, the last time I went to class. the next day, he called me. at least, I think it was him. I don't have his personal number. He called at 8:30pm, the time the last class ends - no one calls me then. But I was too scared to answer. He didn't leave a message. I have a lot of other things going on in my life right now, including a job promotion that starts Monday and my continued house hunting, and I decided to take a little break from training. It's been a major source of stress and I don't need that negativity right now. I didn't really choose a specific timeline for a break - I had my gym bag in my car but each day chose to drive home instead of to the dojang. As each day passed, the more anxious I felt about returning. I thought - "what if he's mad? what if he yells at me again? what if I have another anxiety attack?" So I haven't gone back. I also thought - "what if he doesn't care? I could just never return, would he notice? Would he say something?" So on one hand, I'm glad he reached out to me on Facebook. Because he must care at least a little. On the other hand, I'm apprehensive. What if this just blows over and then he goes back to ignoring me? Sigh. So that's where I am right now. I don't know if I'm going to nationals. I don't know what will happen. I don't know when I'll see my instructor again. I don't even know how to reply to his Facebook post. but I do know I'll be in class on Monday.

tonight was sparring class and it was light on students (this class tends to be hit and miss for attendance) so we did round robin sparring and I got to go a few rounds with my instructor my sparring has been...tentative...in approach lately because I'm still nursing a knee/calf injury. so I've been mainly only countering or lightly stepping with my left leg and doing all my powerful kicks with my right. it's been that way for about a month and I've missed a few sparring classes as a result anyway, tonight's class - my instructor and I were sparring and he typically begins slowly and then picks up speed and power as he goes. my leg was feeling okay so I just went full intensity from the outset, and I was trying to think smarter not harder...things like kicking and then moving to the side and launching a jump switch kick then a back kick, etc. we always practice combos of three kicks or so but I'm just now figuring out how to apply that to sparring my instructor was legitimately impressed. at first he was like "ooh nice" but as we continued back and forth he was like "NICE" and "yeah!" and "whoa" and "great move" and "now you're thinking!" He asked "where'd this Stephanie come from?" and was like "you're definitely a sparrer now!" He's always proud of me but I could tell today was extra special. ❤️

here's another photo I'm not sure I've shared before - maybe I have, idk, it's such a bother to search through Tumblr tags on mobile - anyway, whenever I have to miss a few days of training I always tend to get a lil sentimental and then reblog old stuff and remember old memories 🙈 this is from a board break of a previous testing. I like this picture of me and my instructor a lot, even though I can see little things I could've done better - my bottom foot should be rotated a bit more, my hip open a bit more, chamber higher, etc. but I see stuff I like too - my foot blade is on point, I'm focused directly on the target and not my instructor (a common problem for lower belts), I used my arms to balance well, and also my hair looks good 😊

I'm very happy to write this post (if you don't want to read everything, we're good now) 😊 Fridays we have sparring class. I got there a bit early, changed, and stretched in our side room while B practiced poomsae nearby. My instructor walked in and said "hello Stephanie" and I, trying to keep the peace, responded by bowing and saying "hello sir." He told us that we'd be sparring tonight but we could go without our hogu (chest protector) and helmets - it's 96 degrees today and our AC is broken. I got my gear on, helped a younger student get her shin guards on, and went out on the mats. He wanted us to practice old school point sparring where when one point is scored, you stop and bow and reset, and it's the first to three points. We ran laps, stretched, and did some kicks to warm up in our gear and I was already sweating buckets. My instructor partnered with me and had me demonstrate low/high roundhouse kicks (to the chest and to the face in the same movement). I kicked normally, he told me to kick lighter as it was just a demonstration and he wasn't wearing any gear. So I kicked a second time, lighter, but apparently too slow for him as he went "well okay not that light" so the third time I kicked him fast and hard. Then we actually sparred. We went back and forth exchanging blow for blow - he kicked to my head but I blocked it, I did a turn back kick but he hopped out of the way. He gave positive feedback as we sparred: "you can throw a punch there" or "when you do a back hand, do a kick at the same time" and even "nice block, that's it Steph." The rest of class was fine. Immediately after I got off the mats and changed out of all of my gear. I had plans to go out to dinner with friends after (omg pad Thai was so good) but as I was in the bathroom putting on my street clothes, I resolved to talk to my instructor. I was going to clear the air once and for all. I didn't want to feel awkward or upset every time I came to class, and I especially didn't want to be mad all weekend. B was talking to him as I walked out, she was just letting him know that she wasn't coming to class tomorrow. She left, and it was just him and I in the dojang. I walked right up to the counter where he was sitting. I was terrified of saying the wrong thing - I didn't want to set him off or have him yell at me. So I just kinda awkwardly said: "soooo are we good?" He paused and looked me in the eyes. It took literally all my resolve not to cry. I folded my shaking hands on the counter, stood up straight, and prepared for what he was going to say. He did rant a little at first - he admitted that he's been very frustrated with me this week. He said something like "I don't know what your problem is, and I don't know how to talk to you. You seem to shut down in class - you stop participating and you won't tell me what's wrong. It's like I have to force a response out of you, which is why I kicked you harder and yelled at you the other night. I'm not trying to beat you up, I just want you to be able to take a hit and to be stronger. I want you to be able to fight for yourself. We also need to ramp up the intensity in Krav Maga. When you're not working hard, no one else does. They look to you as an example and you're not setting a good one." I took a deep breath. I'm still amazed I didn't cry. I told him that the other night when I said he was being too tough on me, I didn't mean physically. I told him that he's been really critical, and that when I don't know how to do a technique or a move, sometimes I need a second to think it through and that when he yells at me for not being fast enough or good enough, it makes me shut down. This is where I totally expected him to get angry, but I was just satisfied that I was able to express my feelings. But surprisingly, he didn't get mad. Maybe having a day away yesterday gave him enough space to think about things and cool down. He responded: "okay, that's good to know. We're getting somewhere. What can I do to make this better? How do you learn best? Are you a visual learner or logical?" I told him that I'm not a visual learner, so it's not helpful to me when he says "just do this" and demonstrates a combination. It makes more sense to me for him to break it down to something concrete that I can understand: "you need to pivot your foot 90 degrees" or "the combo is rear leg side kick, roundhouse, back kick" or "the chamber is from your waist." He said that he understood and that he'd change his approach. He also said he realized that I was taking his criticism personally, and that it wasn't his intention to hurt me or my feelings, and he sincerely apologized. He said he was glad we had this conversation because he felt like he could cut the tension with a knife. I took this opportunity to apologize as well for being disrespectful, and I explained that I really deeply respect him but I was just so hurt. We then talked about respect in the dojang as a whole and he kinda laid out some expectations about what he'd like to see - that when we're on the mats, he's my master not my friend, so he'd like me to address him appropriately as such (in Krav we call each other by first name and that carried over when I started taekwondo). I told him I understood and that I'd be sure to set the example. I was happy with this resolution and the conversation ended. I put my shoes on and was just about to leave when he called me back over. "Stephanie? I just want you to know that I'm really proud of you. I know I don't say it enough. When I think about how far you've come, how much you've changed, it makes me emotional. It fills me with pride to be your instructor. Not just the weight loss, but the change in your character and demeanor. You're so much more confident, and you carry yourself well. You're so strong. I can't wait to see what you accomplish next." I was stunned. This was totally out of left field. I thanked him and said that I will be his best student, I just need to know that I have his support. Then the conversation actually ended, and I went out to get dinner with a smile on my face.

(part two meaning there's more context in previous posts) so the other taekwondo student, the mother, let's call her B, she did speak to my instructor about me last night like I thought we have multiple dojangs, so tonight my instructor was teaching elsewhere while my grandmaster taught our class. when I arrived and parked my car, I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized his wasn't there I walked in and B waved. grandmaster led class as normal, having us do lines of various kicks and blocks across the length of the room. then he divided us up and had us each do our poomsae. I'm currently working Taeguek Sa Jang (this is my favorite form so far actually) and he stood and watched me do it. He gently corrected me, "Stephanie-shi, it's a spearhand strike to the solar plexus, tuck your thumb in" and "your inside block is too short, elongate the chamber. like this. one and pahng. Okay I'm watching. Do it again. MUCH better." In contrast to the harshness from my instructor, this was a nice and welcome change. At the end of class he spoke briefly with myself and B before heading into his office to do some work. I could tell he wanted to say things to me in response to seeing me leaving in tears the other night, but he let it go. B turned to me, and asked, "so are you okay?" I took a deep breath and replied "you want to talk about last night?" and she said "yeah." She told me that she pulled my instructor aside with the intention of speaking to him as a friend, not master to student. She told him that a private conversation with me would've been more appropriate than him yelling at me in front of the whole class. She didn't disagree with his desire to get me to do better, but rather in the delivery. She reminded him of the time that grandmaster scolded him in front of her, and how embarrassed he was, and tried to get him to emphasize. She also told him that she's noticed that he's been increasingly harsher over the last week or two, that it's very out of character for him, and that she's concerned because it's affecting the whole dojang (apparently I'm not the only student who has complained recently). The way she relayed the story back to me made it sound very positive. I was sure it was going to have a happy ending. Apparently it wasn't though, and he didn't react kindly to her words. This is the part of the conversation that I saw last night from my car where he was gesturing very angrily. He told her that she was being very disrespectful, that he was her master not her friend, and how dare she speak to him in that way. He said that the tone of the dojang has been very low energy, disrespectful, nobody is trying, nobody is respecting or obeying the upper belts and masters, and he's just trying to whip us back into shape. She said she understood where he was coming from and his desire to tighten things up a bit, but that his approach was wrong, and that he's hurting his students. He said that he's not being too harsh, we're just being too sensitive, especially me. He said that his correction during Krav last night wasn't as bad as the time grandmaster scolded him and that I was overreacting. Unfortunately B said things just got worse from there. My instructor had no interest in changing his behavior or even just listening to her. He didn't acknowledge any of the things she brought up but instead accused her of being a bad student. And so, after spending nearly an hour trying to get her point across, she left. She told me that she's going to distance herself from him for the time being. She encouraged me to do so also, to just come to class and train and to be respectful but don't seek any relationship with him outside of class. She said she considered them friends previously, but because of his behavior lately she now considers him just an acquaintance. She told me not to waste my energy or emotions on him anymore as he obviously doesn't care for me. She told me to let him go and move on. That's really tough because I love him so much. I have so much respect for him. I don't know what he's going through right now but there has to be something in his personal life that's stressing him out. B did share with me that they closed one of the dojangs this week - maybe that's the cause? He isn't acting like himself. I know him to be so much better and I believe he can be. B did tell me that the reason he went straight in his office last night was to hide from us, he didn't want to have a conversation. I still want to have a conversation with him - not to bash him, as I feel like part of his anger is a defense mechanism. I just want to understand and maybe reach some sort of common ground. I feel like if I start the conversation with an apology about my behavior, and to ask for his help, that maybe he'll also be willing to apologize and move on. He should be teaching tomorrow. We'll see how things go. Overall I do feel better after talking with B, because I realized that it's not just me being overly sensitive - there is an actual observed problem happening. She did tell me that I shouldn't waste my time trying to talk to him as he's likely to react in anger again and that's only going to hurt our relationship. But I don't want to give up on him just yet. I think there's enough grace and that we can get past this.