#inspaceforever

Space: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Space: ‘Ello, Miss?

GLaDOS: What do you mean “miss”?

Space: (pause) I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

GLaDOS: We’re closin’ for lunch.

Space: : Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parent what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very lab.

GLaDOS: Oh yes, the, uh, the Michigan Gray…What’s, uh… What’s wrong with it?

Space: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!

GLaDOS: No, no, ‘e’s uh,…he’s resting.

Space: Look, matey, I know a dead parent when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.

GLaDOS: No no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s restin’! Remarkable rat, the Michigan Gray, idn’it, ay? Beautiful eyes!

Space: The eyes don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.

GLaDOS: Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s resting!

Space: All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) ‘Ello, Mister DADDY FATHER! I’ve got a lovely fresh HTML for you if you show…

(GLaDOS hits the cage)

GLaDOS: There, he moved!

Space: No, he didn’t, that was you hitting the cage!

GLaDOS: I never!!

Space: Yes, you did!

GLaDOS: I never, never did anything…

Space: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) ‘ELLO DADDY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!

(Takes parent out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Space:: Now that’s what I call a dead parent.

GLaDOS: No, no…..No, ‘e’s stunned!

Space: STUNNED?!?

GLaDOS: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin’ up! Michigan Grays stun easily, major.

Space: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That parent is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not ‘alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged programming session.

GLaDOS: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for the fjords.

Space: PININ’ for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got ‘im home?

GLaDOS: The Michigan Gray prefers keepin’ on its back! Remarkable rat, id’nit, squire? Lovely eyes!

Space: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parent when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its swivel chair in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

GLaDOS: Well, o’course it was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent ‘em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Space: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this dad wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! ‘E’s bleedin’ demised!

GLaDOS: No no! ‘E’s pining!

Space: ‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This parent is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the chair ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PARENT!!

(pause)