#chellmasteroftheportalgun

It started out as stupid and pointless as any inside joke. Rabbitpaw had found a neat pebble and brought it to Tigerpaw, who said “That’s nothing!” and immediately found another pebble just like it but twice its size. Rabbitpaw responded by finding an even bigger rock. Tigerpaw responded by finding a rock that was shaped eerie similar to his mentor. 

Rabbitpaw found a smooth stone. He had been a drypaw at the time and Tigerpaw took advantage by bringing back a stone ten times as smooth from the river. Rabbitfoot spent their warrior vigil intently staring at a rock so that he could pounce on it and shove it in Tigerstripe’s face the second they were allowed to stop keeping guard. 

Tigerstripe hauled a boulder as big as himself over a two-mile range just to show it off to Rabbitfoot. Rabbitfoot found a teeny tiny rock and placed it on Tigerstripe’s leg, told him it was a blood-sucking beetle, and watched Tigerstripe jump half a mile into the air with a deafening screech. Tigerstripe hauled a swirly purple rock out of the river. 

Rabbitfoot’s turn. Every second of every day, throughout his warrior duties, find a rock was blaring in the back of his head. Any time he spotted something he could potentially one-up his best friend with, he dropped whatever he was doing to get a better look. But those purple swirl were hard to beat. A week passed to no avail. 

Until a night patrol under a moon one tick from full. Rabbitfoot padded tired along the border, the rest of his team already well ahead of him. He didn’t mind being left behind if it mean they didn’t complain when he fell. 

Out of the corner of his eye, a dazzling blaring light cut through the foliage and the tall marsh grass, so bright that at first Rabbitfoot thought the swamp had caught fire. He startled, gasped. But the pretty white-pink light wasn’t spreading. 

He approached with caution. Strong moonlight cut between the leaves above in pale dapples; one beam in particular had struck the corner of a bizarre…rock. 

It had to be rock. It was hard like a rock - and it certainly wasn’t any shell Rabbitfoot had ever seen. It looked like someone had smashed it from one coherent cylinder into several small, sharp lengths of clear glowing stone. 

The warrior carefully picked one up and carried it with him. 

okay so... 

AA characters as shitty early 2000s disney channel shows 

APOLLO’S SHOW IS CALLED “BAD MENTORS” beacause of FUCKIG COURSE IT IS hav u SEEN this boy????? help him. 

on paper the plot is that apollo justice (already a perfect name) is a middle school kid (played by a fucking college-age actor) who just got an internship doing some ~vague cool adult job~ 

but the show treats this “internship” as the same as a really exclusive high school the same way spongebob treats driving school like high school, so.. 

anyway. all his teachers are terrible, but theyre all terrible in like...redeemable ways. like the laid-back teacher is sometimes too laid back, the teacher who gives too much homework is really fun to talk to, that kind of thing. like ned’s declassified except terrible and i promise not to compare that masterpiece with this garbage ever again i am so sorry 

THE MAIN TWO TEACHERS are mr wright and mr wong (because pun). 

mr wong is an OBVIOUSLY EVIL MAN. he has a hand scar from a chemical burn shaped like a spooky face, he likes to rob orphanages, he has dreams of ruling the world...but he’s also really understanding and gives apollo all the warm, fatherly help he needs to pass his classes make it through his internship :) 

MR WRIGHT is, however, A WONDERFUL MAN who recycles, donates to charity, and baked cookies for the fundraiser. BUT HE’S ALSO A TOTAL DICK TO APOLLO. brushes him off and makes fun of his Dumb Hair and is just generally a deadbeat asshole. 

theyre also enemies. mr wright and mr wong are arch enemies. constantly fighting. fighting over everything. fighting over who apollo loves more. 

WHO DOES APOLLO LOVE MORE??? that’s the plot. 

also there’s a really anticlimactic mid-season-2 twist that mr wright’s daughter is ACTUALLY APOLLO’S LONG-LOST SISTER. 

(when Real Apollo sees this on TV he says “this show seems really familiar...” and looks over at phoenix/trucy...then at the tv...then phoenix/trucy...then at the tv... hmmmmm....)  

(”Nope. must be my imagination!”) 

PHOENXI WRIGHT’S TV SHOW is called “THE LIE MASTER” and oh man lemme tell you...... 

so Nick is a generally well-liked but kinda troublemaker kid right?? he’s not popular but he’s kinda a putz, kinda a nerd, almost fuse nick with larry here. remember, this is what early 2000s disney thinks we think is cool. 

and he’s got a Big Test but UH OH!! HE DIDNT STUDY!! so he like...makes up a bunch of answers and turns it in. it was a written-answer test, not a scantron or anything.. 

and, because he was bullshitting absolutely everything, his answers are all JUUUUUUUST esoteric and cryptic enough that the teacher not only gives him an A+, but thinks he’s a FUCKIN G GENIUS!!!!!! 

AND HIS PARENTS THINK HE’S A GENIUS. THEY BUY HIM A LIMO. 

AND ALL HIS TEACHERS THINK HE’S A GENIUS. THEY gIVE HIM SPECIAL TREATMENT. 

AND ALL THE OTHER KIDS THINKS HE’S A GENIUS. THEY ASK FOR HELP ON THEIR HOMEWORK AND ESSAYS. 

nick is just wWALLOWING In the fucking attention, right?? ? HE LOVES THIS. he can just make up answers and as long as theyre absurd/vague enough he gets praise. it’s amazing. 

his rich snobby harvard-bound BFF Miles’s family starts to like him better than they like Miles even tho before they absolutely hated him, which drives a wedge between him and Miles.. Miles has known him for FUCKING forever so he’s just like 

“i’m onto you, Nicolas.” (because his name cant be phoenix) “I know you and I know you’ve never been that smart. I’ll find your secret. I’ll find it if it’s the last thing I do! THEN we’ll see who overshadows me and wins all the scholarships ive worked so hard for!!!!” 

but there’s antoehr problem. the only person who knows for sure that he’s making shit up.......is the girl hes got a crush on, Maya. she’s a STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN and the entire show teases them getting together but it’s only ever actually canon that nick has a crush on her. this is never resolved. 

SHE COMES UP TO HIM WITH HER ARMS FOLDED, POUTIN ALL SASSY-LIKE LIKE “You cant fool me! I KNOOOOW youre just lying!!” 

“What?? HOW?” 

“My sister did the SAME THING when SHE was our age! And now she’s in college to be an engineer-lawyer-astrophysicist! That’s THREE PhDs! She’s gonna get all her doctorates this year and she’s only 16!!” 

nick screams 

but Maya says dont worry, she’ll keep his secret...IF she can ride on his coat tails/he’ll make her popular by being her best friend. for the rest of the show she’s giving him advice based on what her sister would do. 

also whenever they need a deus ex machina, maya texts her sister for help. 

OKAY SO MILES 

MILES’S SHOW i havent titled it. oh well. 

after the ~mysterious death~ of his father (that’s never properly addressed as an actual life-changing tragedy), miles is adopted by a STRICT NO-NONSENSE GERMAN DAD and taken to GERMANY where things are DIFFERENT than in america! (but not too different because this is disney) 

(also this is early 2000s disney so the german is incorrect half the time, they couldnt be arsed to get a real translator) 

the show is poorly timed WWII jokes heavily influenced by Home Alone 2: Lost In New York and other wacky misadventures of kids lost in cities/cultures they arent familiar with. i am not going to mention rugrats here because that show was very intelligent and i wont dare squander its name. 

ANYWAY it’s miles and his WACKY TROUBLE-MAKING LITTLE SISTER FRANNY who is way too smart for her age. she keeps getting miles in trouble and then being soooooo cute and innocent that Miles gets blamed instead. 

franny is basically a fucking sociopath. she’s the unholy offspring of angelica pickles and megan parker. 

miles is please dont sue us, skype Video Chat™ friends with phoenix (whose name is actually allowed to be phoenix now that he’s the wacky side character) who knows miles from back in american school before he moved. 

miles can exposition to him freely. 

they either never address the timezone difference or address it way too much depending on the episode. 

after the first season, the studio said that the stakes were “too low,” so the writers introduced the possibility that miles’s father’s death was part of some kind of complex conspiracy scheme masterminded by von karma.